Deadpool fights the patrons of the Three Strikes Bar, shouting “Where is T-Ray?!”
Slough tries to explain they don't know where T-Ray is because he has been lying low, but is interrupted when Deadpool's quarterstaff slices through his silly putty body. The pieces splay onto Conrad behind him, whose only power is to pick up the bar tab and survive the nightly mayhem of the bar. Meanwhile, another patron, Infinity T.A.P., shouts out his catchphrase “I shoot you!” while attempting to do just that to Deadpool with his temporal guns. Wade tells him that, if he keeps saying that, then maybe he will hit the broad side of a barn one day.
Slamming his staff into the head of Infinity T.A.P., Wade commands for the terrified barkeeper to tell him what he knows, as all bartenders know everything. Trying to back away, the barkeep claims that it would be against union policy to tell Wade anything. Changing tactics, Deadpool holds a gun up to an alcohol bottle in his hand and says that it will get it if he doesn't talk. The barkeeper refuses to believe Wade would do it, to which Wade calls the bluff and shoots the bottle, horrifying every patron in the bar. Grinning maniacally, Wade holds up a new bottle asking if the barkeep thinks he will run out of bullets or bottles first. To this, every villain in the bar yells frantically at the barkeeper to just tell him.
In the nighttime countryside of Hillsborough, New Jersey, Deadpool recounts that T-Ray holing up at an old farm makes sense for such an anti-social, anti-city kind of guy. As he surveys the land with his binoculars, he reassures himself that he loves cities and socializing... and is not T-Ray. From the flatbed of a nearby pick-up truck, a morbidly obese Agent X asks what Wade sees. He replies that he sees several families watching American Idol, one old lady watching porn and not a single kid doing homework. Bob, Agent of H.Y.D.R.A., casually leans against the truck and asks what kind of porn, but is interrupted by Agent X asking about Sandi and Outlaw.
Wade thinks about how much he wants to shoot the pair of them but reasons that shooting Alex just because he is fat wouldn't be right. Plus he owns Agency X, which has made Deadpool their go-to primo agent. Wade also believes that shooting Bob would be like shooting a fish in a barrel, which upon reconsidering actually sounds a bit fun. An oblivious Bob asks Wade what he is staring at him so intently for, to which Wade decides he can't shoot him after all. He remembers that he kidnapped Bob from a H.Y.D.R.A. base in Pakistan where he accidentally left Weasel behind. It was a trade, one for the other Wade decides and recalls how it was only hours since they got back to find Outlaw and Sandi missing. Deadpool wonders how Weasel made out.
Back at the H.Y.D.R.A. base, Weasel stands manacled and complaining that the magnetic resonator feels loose and he could slip out at any time. He suggests that if these H.Y.D.R.A. agents that captured him wanted them super tight they would calibrate the field to the lubricant ratio of the hostage's perspiration rate. The annoyed agents demand that Weasel shut up.
Back in New Jersey, Deadpool concludes that Weasel will probably be dead within the hour and that it is a good thing he has Bob as his new buddy. Rushing off down the hill to rescue Outlaw and Sandi, Bob asks if Wade wants him to come along, to which Wade states it would be too risky. Deadpool takes this statement as a sign that Bob is brave and noble like a steed. As Bob turns and states to Alex that it was really more of a statement than a genuine offer, Deadpool revises his opinion that Bob is a coward.
As Deadpool rushes toward a house, he considers that the likelihood of booby traps or T-Ray lying in wait is doubtful. T-Ray will want the “full Deadpool Monty” engorged with virile vehemence and verbal venom. Thinking he would accommodate the crazy man, Deadpool crashes through the window and rolls forward, pistols pointing... at a terrified elderly couple playing backgammon. As Deadpool leaves the farmhouse of the now irate and expletive shouting couple, he apologizes and confirms that the house he wants is one farm over.
Repeating the same crashing through window routine, Wade shouts “You wanted me-you got me...?” This time his pistols are trained on the tied up Sandi and Outlaw, struggling to warn Wade. He has time to ask them “He's right behind him isn't he?” before T-Ray knocks him unconscious with a baseball bat.
Over at Cable's South Pacific Island think-tank safe haven Providence, Irene Merryweather, chief of staff, asks Black Box, Gareb, for a status report. Gareb uses his mutant powers of monitoring electronic signals to report that Cable remains very busy with the X-Men. He also claims that six people have declared themselves as candidates for the presidency of Rumekistan and that elections are set for six months. The transition of power from Cable to the elected president should run smoothly. Irene believes this is one less thing to worry about but Gareb contradicts her, stating that Rumekistan's success has made at least twenty other countries want the same treatment. Gareb concludes this will mean that, unless something drastic happens, Irene will be more overworked, harried and cranky than ever. Where is a world devouring alien when you need one? she jokes.
Irene continues that there was no way she could have been sold on the idea that Cable could succeed in his ridiculous goal of changing the way the world works. She can buy the idea of super heroes fighting, killing each other and locking each other in prison. That they would set up a superhuman military squad in every state and turn super-villains into toys was believable, but to try to change the way people think, act and govern for the better was just a crazy plan. Who could truly believe in something so hopeful?
Back at the farmhouse, T-Ray grins manically and demands the “imposter” Deadpool to wake up. A restrained Deadpool is duct taped to a chair and sounds of complete gibberish come from his awkwardly angled mouth. T-Ray advises for Wade not to talk, as is jaw is shattered. T-Ray caresses his metal bat as he explains that, before Wade's healing factor can mend the broken bones, he will break it again. The last statement is emphasized by T-Ray violently striking Deadpool across his face with his bat, causing Wade to crash to the floor helplessly. Setting the chair back upright, T-Ray declares that he will do all of the talking this time. Wade thinks to himself that T-Ray forgot the caption boxes, and T-Ray quickly responds that he did not forget the caption boxes. He has ways of taking care of them too he yells, striking Wade across the side of the head with the bat.
Dazed and on the floor yet again, T-Ray assumes Wade must have been wondering where he has been all this time. He mentions that he felt their last encounter was rather anticlimactic. Despite that he was all revelatory, baring his soul to Wade and all the readers (yes he knows who we are out there), about his searing story of lost love and stolen identity, of vengeance percolating for years, yet nothing came of these revelations. As T-Ray talks, Deadpool produces a tiny knife from his glove, still strapped behind the back of the chair. T-Ray laments that Wade kept on being the same psychotic idiot he always has been and NO ONE CARED! He pauses his tirade to bring the bat back down on Deadpool's head.
T-Ray continues about how much he has thought of this situation and how it all turned out to be a joke on him. He believes that readers should have dropped their support of Deadpool once they discovered he wasn't Wade Wilson. Instead, they mulled it over like fetid spiced tea. “He killed a man? He stole his name and wife? We don't care as long as he's funny!” Wade manages to make a small amount of progress cutting away his bonds. T-Ray leans in close and informs him that it's going to take forever to cut through the duct tape with that itty-bitty knife. Wade murmurs something unintelligible then suddenly bursts free from his bonds and yells out “So screw it!”
As a surprised T-Ray stumbles back, Deadpool delivers a solid kick to the chin. Deadpool informs T-Ray that he is sick and tired of everyone else moaning and groaning about how rough they have it, because it takes away from Wade moaning and groaning about how rough he has it. As Deadpool rushes across the room, he forward flips over the captive Outlaw and Sandi, draws his katana and slices free their bonds all in one smooth motion. All the while he performs this feat, he continues to explain that he is there taking control of the situation in an apt metaphor for taking control of his life.
Moving over to T-Ray, he attacks him with the katana, this time suggesting that he thinks it is about time that everyone in his life got their status quo ducks all lined up in a row. KLANG. The katana is blocked by T-Ray's gauntlets and Wade remarks how lame the sound effect sounds. Deadpool recalls that, last time they fought, T-Ray had fancy magic shields and weird Oliver Stone dreamscapes on tilted angles with very disconcerting jump-cut editing. It gave Wade a tummy ache.
An angry T-Ray swings at Deadpool with a nun chucks, screaming for Wade to silence himself. Wade simply mocks him that it is unlikely and that he should be ashamed for resorting to duct tape and farmhouses. Wade wonders where the magic in their relationship went, as he delivers a spinning kick to the face. He concludes that their never was any magic or at the very least that no one can say for sure, since they are both screwed-in-the-head self-indulgent psychopaths. He emphasizes the last statement with an upward elbow to the chin. Deadpool then swings his katana diagonally across T-Ray's throat, clipping off his bangs and T-Ray clutches the bleeding wound. “Oooh, right across the throat, gotta sting,” mocks Deadpool. It should be okay though since if he really is Wade he should have a healing factor. “Oh wait...you don't have a healing factor? Why would that be—unless you're NOT me!”
Outlaw and Sandi point their guns at Wade and demand to know what he just did. Deadpool looks at them and asks them to give him a minute to prove a point. Face to face with T-Ray, Deadpool explains that he's a mess because the healing factor regenerates his decaying brain cells at such a hyper rate that it screws with his mind. He doesn't know T-Ray's excuse but he does know that a good friend of his, who is not anymore, helped fix his head a bit, getting rid of some of the black spots that were fudging his short and long term memories. It didn't stop him from being a wild and crazy guy but it stopped the brain hiccups and made any lingering doubts about himself and T-Ray disappear. T-Ray's story had more holes in it than Dick Cheney's hunting partners, he concludes as he points a pistol at T-Ray's temple. Outlaw and Sandi, still pointing their guns at Wade, look uncertain. So the question is... will T-Ray admit it or not?
Suddenly, a green magic barrier expands around T-Ray, shoving Deadpool back and discharging his pistol harmlessly into the ceiling. T-Ray declares that he doesn't know and he sure wishes he had his black magicks to help him decide. Now mystically covered in gold armor and holding a green sword of light, he wonders aloud that if this part of his tale is true, how much of the rest is as well? Drat, thinks Deadpool. An astonished Sandi asks how this is possible, since Wade slit his throat. He explains that it was more of a paper cut really, since he is trying really hard not to kill people. Unless he has a really good reason. Or he's mad. Or just in the mood. Drawing his second katana, the two angry girls exclaim their annoyance that saving them wasn't a good enough reason. He's here isn't he? Can he please focus on the magic-guy who thinks he is Wade even though he isn't?
Deadpool charges forward with both katanas and slices directly across T-Ray's armored torso, creating sparks. He knows that the armor is made of black magic but his katana was forged by the same guy who made the one on Heroes. SFASHOW! Better sound effect, asks T-Ray. Totally, agrees Deadpool. T-Ray punches Deadpool across the head with a mystically charged gauntlet, asking him what he thinks now. T-Ray's studies in the supernatural clearly are not a figment of his imagination and Wade has admitted to his own fractured memories, so how can T-Ray be the liar? T-Ray finishes by stabbing Deadpool through the chest with his mystic sword. SHUGGT. How about that sound effect, he gloats. “Didn't--like it--” admits Deadpool.
Standing triumphantly over a Deadpool on his knees, T-Ray explains that the sword is magic, so if Wade's healing factor even works against it, the healing process will take longer than normal. Pointing toward the scared girls with his sword, T-Ray proclaims Deadpool's dilemma. He can either save the women by risking grave injury-possibly enough to end his life, or he can run like the true coward they both know he is. This will ensure he survives but the girls will die. They both know what the real Wade Wilson would choose to do.
Drat again, thinks Deadpool as he stands facing T-Ray. This is exactly the kind of moral conflict he can't stand. Instantly, Deadpool's katana that he was just holding, appears protruding through the skull of T-Ray. As T-Ray collapses to the floor, apparently dead, Deadpool laments that he didn't want to kill anyone today. A relieved Sandi and Outlaw rush over to Wade. They hug him vigorously between them declaring him to be the greatest. “Ladies-ladies-plenty of hugs to go around-uhm... girls... gaping gut wound over here...”
Wade looks back over his shoulder to see a pink light envelop T-Ray and cause him to fade away. Deadpool declares how he hates magic. Sandi sounds surprised when she states that Wade didn't run away. Wade replies of course not. Is that what Wade Wilson would have done? asks Outlaw. Deadpool replies that it beats the hell out of him but it is what he did. As the two girls help him out the door, Outlaw tells him he can get his hand off her rump anytime he wants.
As they all leave, Wade thinks to himself that he doesn't need to tell them because he knows who he is. In T-Ray's mixed up memories-ones that he shared with Deadpool-Wade was wearing his Deadpool costume when T-Ray found him. However, Wade didn't become Deadpool until after he left Project X, where he got his healing factor to cure his cancer. This was also after his mom died of cancer when he was a kid, after his dad died in a bar fight because of one of his drunken friends and after he got kicked out of the army. Which he had signed up for as Wade Winston Wilson because that is who he is. Anyone that says differently is just imagining things. The katana that was formally lodged in T-Ray's skull hangs suspended in midair surrounded by a pink aura. The aura disappears and the katana KYEECHANNGs to the floor. Cool sound effect.
At Agency X, Agent X asks if anyone wants more pizza rolls. Everyone else yells NO! More for me, Alex shrugs and continues stuffing his face. Sandi points out that until Alex loses the weight, which could be never at the rate he is eating, Wade will be working with them. Wade concurs and includes Bob in the arrangement assuming pets are allowed. Wade asks if he gets a title. Nope. Business cards? Maybe. Use of the corporate jet? Sometimes. Finally he asks if they do pro bono work. Alex says yes but why does he ask. Wade answers that he might want to borrow the jet and points to the television screen.
On the TV are images of the X-Men Cannonball, Iceman, Mystique and Omega Sentinel battling an alien creature rampaging across Providence, the South Pacific island haven of the messianic self-styled savior Cable-who remains suspiciously absent from the fight.
