One day, Deadpool and his bestest friend in the world, Blind Al, took a trip to the Bay City Aquarium, where they saw all manner of wondrous sea creatures. As sometimes happens when one mixes sea creatures and hollow point .45 rounds, a handful of the beasts weren’t breathing very well by the time Deadpool and Blind Al had left. In fact, they weren’t breathing at all, and that left the local constabulary in a bit of a tizzy. So, they put out an APB on Deadpool and Blind Al and, within minutes, the friendly policemen were within sight of the pair, anxious to interview them with their Billy clubs and maze.
“I just noticed something, Al. There’s too much fuzz in San Francisco, and it’s giving me the hives. What say we go somewhere new?” asked Deadpool, lifting Al into his arms, being careful not to snap her hip. “Sounds like a plan t’me.” Al quipped. “I’ve done hard time, and let me tell you, it’s no picnic, especially if you got gams like mine… but where can we go?” Al truly wondered. “I have an idea!” Deadpool cried, and teleported the two of them far away.
The funny little mismatched couple magically appeared in Boston, but were too tired from the trip to teleport any further. They found a nice place in the Public Garden, with a little island in it. “The very place to spend the night,” smiled Deadpool, “We can fish in the pond, string a hammock between the trees, and make fun of passerby for our amusement! It’s like heaven!” Wade felt happy. “It’s delightful,” grumbled Al, who was anxious to get back to their real home in San Francisco. After all, “Matlock” was coming on in an hour, and Al never missed an episode, dead dolphins or no.
Just as they were getting ready to mock the well dressed people on shore, a strange enormous bird came by. It was pushing a boatful of policemen, with one sitting on his back! “Deadpool,” Al sniffed at the air, “I smell bacon! Are you cooking breakfast?” “Not me, Al, that’s a Swanful of grade-A flatfoot you’re catching a whiff of. From the looks of them, they’re none too happy that we’ve set up shop on this island either,” Deadpool remarked. Al sighed. “Why is it wherever we go, the Man always tries to break us down?” Deadpool shrugged his shoulders, saying “I don’t know, pal… it must be the trail of corpses.” Man, oppression stinks”, grumbled Al, as the policemen prepared to dock their swan.
Deadpool and Al waded ashore, in spite of the rude comments and waving fists thrown by the policemen, and headed for the highway. “Al, can I ask you a question?” Wade wondered. “Sure,” Al smiled, “So long as you make sure I’m not about to step on any fragile Swan necks as you talk.” Deadpool took a deep breath. “Do you ever think that maybe the policemen are after us because deep down, I’m an incurable psychopath with a complete disregard for safety of the human life? That there is a completely objective good and evil in the universe, and I have violated the good part through innumerable, unspeakable acts of violence against my fellow man?”
Al was quiet for a moment, and all Deadpool could hear was the whine of sirens, and Mike the policeman’s whistle blowing for him to stop. Finally, Al took a breath to answer.
Unfortunately, just as Al started to tell Deadpool the secret law of the universe that would explain why his whole life had been a string of blurred nights, unrequited love, and bloody bloodshed… the first policeman stepped on his breaks – SCREECH!
Then the second policeman flew through his window -- KISHHH!
And officer Mike took some flying glass in the face -- DEAR MOTHER OF MERCY! MY EYES!! MY EYES!!!
Soon, all around them, chaos rained down like tequila at Cinco de Mayo, and Al’s voice was lost in the symphony of screeches, and the cacophony of chaos. When the last hubcap skittered to a stop, and the last of the wounded fell silent, Deadpool and Al crossed the highway in peace. “Let’s go home, Al,” suggested Deadpool, wiping a piece of policeman from his collar. “Just in time for Matlock!” clapped Al. “Hey Al, before the crashing and the booming and the screaming, you were about to say something… what was it? Deadpool wanted to know.
Al smiled, taking Deadpool’s hand. “It was nothing, really. Just the secret of your existence. Basically, it boiled down to four words: make way for Deadpool!” Deadpool thought about it for a moment and grinned under his mask, thinking: “Yeah…. Yeah.” And they continued to walk home.
There are things we all should and should not do. Save lives versus taking them, preserve evidence as opposed to destroying it. Well, you got the idea. And now, lessons in politeness and appropriateness from both Deadpool and Captain America!
Captain America helps little old ladies cross the streets.
Deadpool dresses little old ladies up in underoos.
Captain America always takes the time to separate his recyclables from his perishable waste.
Deadpool sleeps in his refuse.
Captain America always makes an effort to locate those who would do good and honor them.
Deadpool always makes an effort to locate those who would do good and mock them.
Though he doesn’t share their viewpoint, Captain America is considerate of the feelings of his vegetarian friends.
Deadpool bounds up vegetarians and force-feeds them meat loaf.
One sunny morning, in the skies bright and blue, a jolly ol’ airplane climbed up high and flew. He zipped and he zagged, smiled wide as he soared, so happy because he had great cargo on board! A special-icious payload, who all would agree, could make even a grumpy old plane happy. It’s good captain Bob, usually stern, cracked a toothy smile as he zipped and he turned. The flight so great, the trip so fun, that he’d almost forgotten that he threw his military career in the can over a night in Taipei with that Missionary’s daughter… uh… ahem.
Even the Stacy stewardesses, usually glum, were perky and bouncy, not hum and not drum. So why was everyone chock-full of glee? It’s simple, dear reader, in a short while you shall see. The reason for all that laughter that day… was Blarney and Deadpool, best pals out to play!
The Merc-With-A-Mouth and the Dino-With-Dentures did take to the sky for a special adventure! Down south of the Andes a party was raging, a birthday fiesta for a kid who was aging. His birthday wish, his ultimate dream, was to see ‘Pool and Blarney, that super cool team!
But no one knew that the plane was quite ill… and left his home airport without taking his pills. Outsourcing and budget cuts had taken their toll, worn down his body, his heart and his soul. A scab airline worker forgot his big part: to come up with the pills that would save the plane’s heart. He wheezed and he coughed, trying not to be sick, but the old plane’s old ticker, it ticked its last tick.
Inside, the passengers started to yell, convinced they were on an express flight to hell. Some animals were praying, convinced they would die (though the birds didn’t worry, because they still could fly). Our heroes were frightened, their hearts filled with gloom. When the plane hit the mountains, with a jolt and a boom!
But Blarney was padded, and Deadpool could heal, so landing abruptly was not that big a deal. They gathered the presents, stepped over the dead and skipped towards the party that lay straight ahead. “We’ll walk there,” said Blarney with a wink and a nod, “While the rest of our plane-mates shake hands with their God.” “A great idea, Blarney,” said Deadpool with a grin, “we really should be there, when the birthday begins.” “Do you know the way? The distance or timing?” wondered Blarney. “Just skip towards the west, where the sun is still climbing!” joked Deadpool.
So, they ran and they laughed, tripped and they skipped, while off in the sky, the sun started to slip. But their compass was off, the directions all wrong, and in a few hours, the sun… it was gone! “We’re lost. Miles from home and later for the party,” worried Deadpool. “Yes Wade, I know. And it’s rude to be tardy. But don’t start to worry, don’t you dare fret. In my stuffed animal heart, I know we’ll get out of this yet. As long as you’ve got me, Wade Wilson, you’ll never be stuck. Never in trouble, or down on your luck. A friend is a friend is a friend in deed, and no friend of mine suffers, whenever he is in need,” cheered Blarney up.
Deadpool felt better. His best friend was right. So they set up camp and dug in for the night. The darkness was frigid, with no relief in sight. So, they had to burn all the presents, or else they had to freeze in the night! Blarney was worried, warmth came with a price “If we show with no presents, we won’t look nice,” he warned. “We’ll think of something. There’s no way we’d be rude, but Blarney, there’s something that troubles me dude. There’s a creepy wet sound coming out of my gut,” Deadpool said. “That? That’s your stomach its hunger, you nut,” Blarney joked.
“Hunger? Oh, no. I need something to chew. Do you have anything, Blarney? Anything will do.” Deadpool began to panic. “Nothing to share, Deadpool. Nothing to eat. My pockets are empty, from my hips to my feet!” Blarney sadly had to respond. “Nothing to eat? I’ll starve! I’ll grow thin! And anorexia went out, with last year’s cleft chin!” Deadpool began to panic even worse. Blarney apologized “I’m sorry chum, I don’t know what to do! If I had even a morsel… I’d share it with you’.” Deadpool, he thought, cogitated and pondered till a single idea, into his head wandered: “I know! I’ve got it! It’s on your rear end! Your tail is nice and filling, my big boned green friend,” Wade said sarcastically. “We can dine just like kings, we can have a great feast, dinosaur tail’s a delicacy, in the west and in the east!”
Blarney freaked out. “My tail!?! Friend Wade, you are cracked. If I gave you my tail, what would hang on my back,” he wondered. Wade sod a little “But we’re buddies. Pals. Amigos. Friends. You said I’d never suffer. Not ever again.” Blarney was hesitant, but remembered himself saying those words. “That’s true. I did say that but didn’t mean…” Blarney felt red embarrassment, flushing up through his green. Deadpool was right. That oath he did say, and an Indian giver? Blarney? Uh-uh sir, no way. But his tail… his tail! It was his proudest feature. Should he just feed it to Deadpool… like an old seafood creature? So, Blarney thought and thought, till his wheels spun fast, till he realized his promise was one that should last. He promised Wade he’d do it “Yes. Okay. But you’ll have to do it for me. You’d feet me your left arm, your hands or your knees.”
Deadpool was thrilled! “Thank you, buddy Blarney!” he said “This I’ll always remember.” He took out an axe, and said, “Now please… hold still… while I your tail I dismember!” So, Deadpool reared back, swung hard and swung tough, but of course, Blarney was thick, so one chop wasn’t enough. Through stuffing that burst and fabric that tore, Wade chopped till the tail was attached no more.
Later that night, Deadpool filleted the tail, precisely and quick, cooked it over the presents where the fire was thick. He gobbled it down, with a smile and a slurp, finishing his feast with a deep belly burp! When it was all over, the tail-less dinosaur turned, asking Wade, “So? Was it tasty? It seemed a tad burned.” Wade responded “To tell you the truth, that was hardly good dinner your tail alone won’t make me less thinner. Perhaps if we went for the end of your arm, that should be enough to keep me warm.”
“My arm!?!” Blarney cried, his eyes wide and white, “but what will I throw with!?! With what shall I write? You can’t eat my arm, Deadpool. I need it, I do. I have a snow cone instead. If you’re famished, have two!” Blarney panicked. “You’re right, big green Blarney. I don’t mean to be greedy. I hate my old stomach for being so needy. I’ll contend with the torturous hunger and pain, so you can play baseball and write songs again. Don’t worry about me, I’ll just suck on some snow, but when I blow away skinny, please wave as I go,” Deadpool cried.
Blarney was torn. His friend was in trouble. But he had given his tail, need he give double? He consulted both his good and evil side. His good side wondered, “Is Deadpool the one who’s filled with greed? You have two good arms; how many do you need?” While his evil side said “Let him starve! He’s already had tail. If you give him your arm, I swear you will have failed!!!”
He had an idea, and said “Wade l’il buddy, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll give you the left arm if that ends your meal. But please, just one favor, I don’t like all that spurt. When you cut off this limb, please… don’t’ make it hurt.” Wade was thrilled “Oh, Blarney! Oh Blarney! You’re the master of charm! I’m very excited to dine on your arm. There’s only one problem. It’s easy to see. My hands, well, from eating, they’re sort of greasy. If I do the cutting, I’m afraid that I’ll go slip, would you do the honors and make the first snip?”
Blarney saw no problem in that. “I’ll do it, friend Deadpool. I’ll make the cut neat. I don’t have a choice, as my friend has got to eat.” “Great!” Deadpool said, “use the chainsaw, it’s shiny and new. That should make it easy, it’s the least I can do.” Blarney thanked Wade “thanks my old friend, you’re really a sport. Now, I begin cutting… YIKES! OW, OW, OW, OW, OW!”
Blarney’s generosity was too much to bear; he fell down unconscious, the arm twitching there. But Deadpool, what an eater, sat down to his meal. The arm sliced like butta, and melted like veal. When the eating was over, and the chewing was through, Wade sat down with Blarney as friends ought to do. Wade said “Now that was good eating. That arm was the best, but that beast in my stomach refuses to rest! I still gotta manje, I still gotta eat, yet my food source Blarney is dead on his feet. He’s been so forthcoming, I don’t want to be rude, I probably shouldn’t ask for more food. But Blarney did say, yes, he said it himself, since we’re tight amigos, he’s concerned for my health! It would be far more ruder to disrupt his cat nap, just for a morsel, a smidgen, a scrap. So, I’ll let him sleep. Don’t want him to be sick. I’ll leave him in Dreamland, and me, I’ll just pick.
As an appetizer Wade began with barbecued knees, then on to the fingers, which he smothered in cheese. The dinosaur’s elbow, in a skilled flipped high, and a Chinese dish, fabric pow gai! With the buttered bunions stew, he thought he might stop, but desert, Blarney’s green feet, with a cherry on top. In the morning rose the sun, to find Deadpool, alone. The merc fit to burst, Blarney picked to the bone. Wade smiled, “Thanks to you, Blarney, you’re a heck of a friend, you sure went down easy, all the way to the end.”
When suddenly, a buzzing sound came to his ear: a new, shiny plane was lowering gear! Deadpool was saved, no more need to fear, when all of a sudden, it hit him: “Oh, dear. We burned all the presents to fight off the cold, but I still have that party, where that kid’s growing old! Can’t go empty handed, bad enough I’m alone. Showing up with no present would set a bad tone. If Blarney were here, he’d know what to say. He always makes problems of mine go away. Blarney once told me the secret of tact, and with his good advice, I know how to act! He said, “Never go empty handed, Deadpool. You don’t want to be rude. If you can’t bring a present, then always bring food!”
And so, a few hours later at the kid’s birthday party, Wade arrives. The kids all start screaming, because as a surprise, Wade didn’t brought a cake… but Blarney’s head to eat!