Deadpool is fighting clowns, lots of evil clowns that maliciously make children laugh and bring joy to their hearts. These purveyors of hope and all that is pure in this world, he yells, should Die! Die! Die!
Black Box is looking at a monitor: the fight is taking place within Deadpool’s head. Black Box comments that the clowns are ‘funny’, but that Deadpool’s ferocity and skills are off the charts. He concludes that Wade could be very profitable if he can be malleable first. He asks his minions how the surgical procedure is going along. The scientists respond that Deadpool’s mind is difficult to sequester, like grabbing an eel with oily palms, but that they can manipulate his aggression somewhat. Black Box is intrigued.
Several days later, they are still trying to brainwash Deadpool. Black Box asks Deadpool the greatest threat to the public safety. Deadpool replies “Clowns,” without a moment of doubt. Black Box sighs and is willing to admit that clowns are indeed a threat, just to get beyond Wilson’s fixation with clowns. A bigger threat than clowns? Simon Cowell!, according to Deadpool. Even bigger than that? Galactus!, Deadpool responds. Less than that? Karl Rove is Deadpool’s answer. Black Box is getting tired so he wants a threat somewhere between Galactus and Karl Rove (who is a respected paying customer). Deadpool remains silent. Black Box gives up and tells Wilson that superhumans are the greatest threat and that he, Wade Wilson, should go out and eliminate them to become the world’s greatest heroes. Without another word, Wilson bodyslides away. Black Box wonders where Deadpool went. The scientist think he is obeying and is trying to eliminate what he perceives is the greatest threat to mankind.
On Providence, Wilson is fighting Prester John again, but he is in fact looking for Cable. John tells Wilson that he should know that Cable is not there. Wade retorts that John shouldn’t be allowed to break Hank Aaron’s record. In his mind, Deadpool lists the information on Prester John that he knows: a time-travelling former conqueror that came to Providence to find a better way to live. John reminds Deadpool that he has been banned from Providence for the murder of Barat. Deadpool responds that he isn’t wanted anywhere and throws a dinner plate at John’s throat, thinking to himself that John is a clown and clowns are of course the second biggest threat to mankind.
John tells Wade that he only let him live last time because of Cable’s wishes. Deadpool wonders how John can eat anything with that giant moustache of his, it would be like eating through a broom. Their combat is ended by a sonic scream that Deadpool immediately recognises and likens her voice to Ella Fitzgerald on helium.
Siryn and Cannonball (mistakenly named Cannonballs by Deadpool, who loses all respect for Sam when he realizes his mistake.) Deadpool tells them that they are both junior X-Men and mutants that fight for a world that hates and fears them.
Cannonball slams Wade into the wall and tells him that a) he is not a mutant and b) he is not an X-Man either. Deadpool decides not to fight them, just because Cannonball has rocket-power farting powers, but he is willing to reconsider if a fight means Siryn’s clothes will come off. Siryn tells him that they don’t want to fight either; they just want to find Cable.
A few moments later, Deadpool discovers that Cable is missing, sacrificing himself while fighting the Skornn. Sam and Terry have been trying to find him for days now using Cable’s teleportation matrix. Deadpool suggests they use his genetic link to Cable. Terry and Sam are surprised: that is not a bad idea. Four days later he is still linked up too machines to find Cable and doubts their chances at success and he really needs to go to the bathroom now. Irene suggests that he hold it in. He has been holding it in for 2 day, he reminds her. She thinks he will be fine, but Deadpool thinks that, as long as she isn’t inside his pants, she can’t speak for his bladder. Irene tells him that the brought in a specialist. Deadpool hopes for a urinary tract guy.
The specialist is Forge. Forge explains that Cable is not on Earth, so he has reprogrammed the harness with interspatial and intraspatial fluctuators. Deadpool responds that he has both after eating at Taco Bell. Forge explains that every time he bodyslides, Deadpool will get closer to Cable. Deadpool thinks it is cool and immediately bodyslides away. Forge is furious and wants to know why nobody warned him that Deadpool would do that. Siryn tells him that Deadpool would probably have not done that if they had warned him.
Siryn tells Sam that it will take three minutes for their harnesses to find Wade and then they will follow him. Sam hates to leave a maniac like Deadpool alone for 3 minutes. Siryn tries to defend Deadpool, saying that he is just reality-challenged, but will let Sam slam him into another wall if he wants. Irene asks Forge if he can find Deadpool. Forge responds he can, he just has no way to tell where “where” actually is.
Deadpool arrives in a broken world: a city on fire with buildings in various states of collapse and giant Egyptian-style obelisks and a statue of Apocalypse in the center. Deadpool concludes that this is the Age of Apocalypse. Then corrects himself that this is probably an Age of Apocalypse, not the Age of Apocalypse. He thinks of the problems of world-domination and the lack of a follow-up when the Horsemen arrive to kill him.
Their leader, Death (this world’s Archangel) orders Pestilence (Spider-Man) and Famine (the Blob) to kill him. Deadpool identifies Death as Angel, the “sissified rich bird-boy X-Man with pretty fluffy wings, ‘cept when you were all cool metal wings and blue skin, kickin’crap across every continent on Earth... uhm sort of like you are now.” Death dives towards him and cuts him with his wings.
Deadpool thinks that this must be a really terrifying alternate Earth if Angel is capable of smacking him around. He hopes that John Kerry didn’t win on that planet because of his awesome charisma. Deadpool uses the sword Cable gave him recently to cut through Death’s wings and makes a mental note that the balance of the sword sucks, but being able to cut through nearly anything totally rocks.
Pestilence webs him up and threatens to suck his marrow. Deadpool surrenders, but Famine tells him that there is no surrender: he hungers. Deadpool mutters that Famine could probably live for 50 years of his own fat. Deadpool tries a backflip to kick Famine off the building’s edge, but the Blob doesn’t move if he doesn’t want to and hits Deadpool with his giant hammer. Pestilence jumps in for the kill, while Death orders them to take him alive to the master, but cripple him first, especially his jaw. Deadpool asks them if they could fall on his sword.
Pestilence spider-instinct goes off before he hits Deadpool and he is hit in mid-leap by Cannonball. Deadpool is glad to see ‘Cannonballs’ again, which causes Cannonball to reconsider saving him. Siryn takes out the other two Horsemen. Deadpool thanks her, but wants to be sure she is the real Siryn (though her lack of evil universe goatee makes him suspect that she is.) Siryn asks him who else knows that he cried when they cancelled “Manimal.”
Once freed, Deadpool likens this world to the scene in Animal House, when the marching band walks into a dead-end alley. Cannonball is worried: if they could even corrupt Spider-Man on this world, what could be next? Deadpool thinks Sam shouldn’t think too well of Spider-Man: he tried to suck his marrow and, even with a healing factor, that privilege is reserved for the Lombardi twins. Sam thinks that this world is what their world would be like... If we X-men were not around to stop Apocalypse, Deadpool finishes the sentence.
Sam doesn’t care enough to correct Deadpool and wonders what went wrong with the harness instead: it should have taken them to Cable. Deadpool instead feels ripped off: he was promised four Horsemen and he only got three. Both their questions are answered when the Fourth Horseman appears and attacks the three. After his initial telekinetic attack, Wade hopes that the fourth Horseman is called Codeine or Six Days of Sleep. Instead it is War, also known as Cable, who is happy to hear Deadpool’s Demi Moore voice again and been given another chance to silence it. Deadpool still thinks that the name is pronounced Demee.
