The steamy, rank jungle of Bolivia…
It’s more humid than a church on Sunday. And quiet… só deathly quiet. A man sneaks up on armed soldiers, and hides in the many bushes so they won’t spot him. One of the soldiers notices their enemy anyway, and think he is… talking? No duh, stupid, it’s called narrating! The costumed man jumps out of the bushes, and starts kicking some soldier butt.
Along the way, he mentions that a literary device allows him to establish tone, exposit information, and in a pinch, it’s a lively way to distract a pack of feebs like the rebels themselves! And as a fringe benefit, it gives the man something to listen to besides the soldiers weird Bolivian language or whatever. “And as soon as it begins, the hunt has ended. Such is the way of the jungle!”
With most of his enemies defeated, the man tries to escape, and is revealed to be… hey! It’s Deadpool! But unfortunately, it also seems to be the way of the jungle to call in reinforcements! Other soldier troops soon arrive, and start shooting at Deadpool, but miss him at every turn. He takes a hike for it. And so, he sadly has to conclude, the prey-turned-predator again becomes prey, praying that the predators in pursuit are as poor with projectiles as their pulverized pals. What Deadpool wouldn’t give to be Marlin Perkins right now…
Or, at least, Deadpool wishes that the power in his broken teleporting device on his belt gets back on line. He hopes for Weasel that he didn’t take out the batteries of the teleporter to play on his Game Boy again, or else Deadpool will Super Mario kick his butt into a body cast. PWANNG! “Pwanng!?” Deadpool wonders what he has bumped into. Trees don’t go “Pwanng!” Llamas don’t go “Pwanng!” Nothing in nature goes “Pwang,” which means Deadpool is once again in serious trouble. He looks up, and finds out he stumbled into battle robots!
Deadpool decides to take a pop quiz. You’re nose-to-nose with a fireball XLS Thunderbird super duper set of titanium under-roos. What does one do, Deadpool wonders. What do you do?! First thing he’ll do, Deadpool wonders while sticking his sai into the robot’s leg, is that he’ll tell Keanu that he’ll grab Sandra Bullock and hightail it on the bus and let the rest burn. He takes out his sword. Then, Deadpool continues while slashing his sword, they’ll build their little love nest outside of Hollywood, and… scratch that, outside of Pequoima, and they’ll spend the rest of their lives baking brownies and beheading the ever-present paparazzi! Deadpool manages to slash one of two attacking robot’s legs, and it collapses.
He jumps to the other robot, and continues rambling. Deadpool corrects that the relationship will never last. He thinks that Sandra is probably more of a gun girl than a blade babe, and Deadpool does so enjoy running with sharp objects! The controller inside the robot freaks out when he sees Deadpool jumping straight at him. Deadpool makes it on top of the robot’s head. He takes out his sword again, and mentions what a digress this is. He jokes that the robot guys sure know how to throw a going away party, but Deadpool feels it’s time they’ll get to the part where he’s going away!
The controller starts to panic and begs for help. Deadpool on the other hand realizes that the battery is connected to the armor, and that the armor is connected to the helmet, and so, the wire he spots on the helmet should carry the charge, which he can reconnect to his teleporting device. Deadpool cuts the wire, connects it to his teleporting device, and it gets power again, though Deadpool gets electrocuted along the way as well. He’s unharmed, and thinks that was cool. And so, we have one plasma cannon, a lingeon-shake, and a deep-fried merc… to go! Deadpool teleports away, leaving the soldiers confused behind.
Seconds later, Deadpool arrives in another swatch of the jungle, namely outside the rebel camp. He hands over the weapon to the general leader, who is pleased that Deadpool has liberated it from their government oppressors, and is glad that their revolution can begin. Sure, Deadpool jokes that he’s all for power to the people, but he wants his money!
At the back, two people are cloaked, and they look at Deadpool. The male one asks the female if she’s certain that they can’t see them. The woman is certain, as the man’s cloaking devices are working perfectly.
The general hands Deadpool over a briefcase, and in it is two million dollars, as they agreed. Deadpool opens the case for a checkup. The money is there, but it isn’t worth anything, as on the money stands the head of the general, and not the current leader! The general smiles that is the currency of the revolution. He is confident that the money will overflow their nation’s coffers in a few years. That is, of course, assuming that they win the war.
Deadpool gets angry hearing the words “assuming” and “in a few years.” Deadpool grabs the general by his clothes, and asks them if he has to teach them how to handle the cannon he stole. The general defends that they know it works, but Deadpool insists. He warns the soldiers to get nice and cozy to each other so he only has to explain this once. The soldiers obey, and Deadpool asks if he’s got all of their attention.
At the same time, the male spy doesn’t think that Deadpool is the one, as he’s undisciplined and unreliable. The woman asks the man to give Deadpool six seconds. Suddenly, they hear the cannon go off, and loud screams coming from the rebels, and the sound of Deadpool teleporting away. The two spies step out of the shadows, and are revealed to be Zoe Culloden and her friend, Noah! Zoe smiles, and replies that Deadpool has taken out the whole bunch of the rebels and teleported away without a trace. Noah agrees, and thinks that the only thing left is finding a suitable test site.
Chicago, the former Sister Margaret’s School For Wayward Children…
The school used to be a place where unadulterated children ran thick in every hallway. In the fifties, it was infested by rats, most of whom, as it turned out, were on the board of directors. The scandals that followed were of an unspeakable nature. Since then, Margaret’s has been burned, condemned, demolished, rebuilt and burned again, but the rats have remained a constant.
A man behind a desk asks who’s next on Nightline. He’s got a C.E.O.-napping for fifty G’s, a firebugging for ten, and someone wants Elvis’ bones for sixteen-fifty! And, the man asks his hired goons, if anyone is interested, Interpol is looking for a Black Ops freelancer, but he doesn’t really trust Interpol on its word. Suddenly, a voice from behind calls out to Patch. Patch is pleased and informs everyone that Deadpool is back. He asks how the mission went, and where his share of the bargain is.
Deadpool angrily shows Patch the fake money he received, and promises the old man that, the next time a client crosses him, he’ll make sure that Patch pays for it. As Deadpool continues shouting, he doesn’t notice Noah standing nearby him, and he is glad to discover that this is the place where Deadpool gets his missions from. Deadpool walks over to Weasel, who wants to know what happened to the general. Deadpool jokes that the revolution will not be televised. He notices C.F., another merc, sitting on his chair, and shouts at the guy to get out there. C.F. panics, and tells Deadpool to calm down, as he’ll just go away like he says. Deadpool refuses to wait, and gets a clear lock on C.F. He panics, and as Deadpool throws a grenade, C.F. runs through the wall!
Weasel jokes that he’s sensing some negative vibes around Deadpool. Deadpool tells Weasel to shut up, and wonders what kind of a world it is they are living in where arrogant, dolphin-hating, hippie-kicking mercs can’t even score on a job well done. Deadpool moves part of his mask up, so his mouth is revealed and he can drink a beer. Wade notices that Deadpool is once again down in his self-pity mood. Deadpool wants to know what it all means. Who wants to exploit human misery if it’s already so empty? Weasel jokes that its getting stiffed bites, but it could be worse, as for example, that Irish pretty girl with the name of Siryn could be hanging around the place. Deadpool slaps Weasel in the face upon hearing Siryn’s name, and breaks the guy’s jaw. Deadpool thinks that him and Siryn was just wrong.
Antarctica, the bottom of the world…
There, a covert scientifically facility bustles with an eleventh hour activity known as Project Michelangelo! Dr. Walter Langkowski and his partner, Lab, are staring at a crystal in a green stasis field. Walter mentions that the gamma core is locked down and that they’re as good as gold, although they would be platinum if they ran one more simulation. Mack agrees, as it’s always better to be safe than dead and embarrassed. Mack mentions to Walter that he has been here for a few months now, freezing his butt like the rest of them, and wants to know if Walter doesn’t miss being a member of Canada’s number one super hero team.
Walter admits that the adventures he had together with Alpha Flight were the best times of his life, though he also lived through some dark days at the time. Honestly, however, the pursuit of science is inherently more stimulating to Walter than sparring with super-villains. Besides, Walter adds, he never had his head bashed in under controlled lab conditions. Walter suggests to his team of scientists that they better get this thing started.
While Walter and his partners prepare themselves, putting on safety goggles and the likes, they are not aware that they are being watched by the cloaked Zoe and Noah. Zoe thinks that this is the ideal location for the test, and a high risk. Noah agrees.
Four hours later, San Francisco…
An impatient and rude girl scout rings a doorbell. A blind lady opens the door and asks what the girl wants. The rude girl shouts that she’s selling cookies. “What,” the girl wonders, is the old woman blind. The woman sarcastically denies that, telling the girl that the glasses she wears are just for protection. In fact, she adds, the thin thread of barrier of treated glass is all the protection the girl has, from the old woman’s deadly x-ray mutant power! The woman smiles, and wants to demonstrate her “powers.” The girl believes the woman and freaks out, and runs away, dropping the cookies. The old woman smiles and drags the cookies back inside with her.
The woman goes back inside, and smiles that everyone knows there’s no such thing as x-ray vision. She orders the computer to drop the holo-den, and the house transforms back into its original, old state. The woman goes back to her visitor, and tells him that if he’s done pouting she might find it in her heart to share the cookies with him.
The guest is none other than Deadpool, with his mask off, and he mocks that he isn’t pouting. The woman doesn’t believe Wade, and asks him what he would call holing himself up in his workroom, sucking down Brewskis, and listening to Maudlin music. Deadpool replies that he calls it “me” time, and tells Blind Al to get out. Al calls Wade pathetic, and smells smoke. She wants to know what he’s doing.
Wade smiles and reveals that he’s welding an impressionist sculpture on the private shame of simple chronic halitosis. Wade asks Blind Al if she wants to… see… what he’s talking about. Wade realizes his mistake, and jokes that he kills himself with all the laughter. Al gets upset and throws the cookie box at Wade’s head. He wants to know what’s wrong. Blind Alfred corrects Wade that, if he wants to patronize her, he’ll have to do it by using her proper name. Wade doesn’t like her smart mouthing, and thinks it’s maybe time again that he throws her back in the box.
Blind Al proudly tells Wade that he can try, but he’ll have to find out for himself if he’ll afterwards ever find his Happy Meal toys again. Wade stops his treats. He tells Al if she really wants to know, he is working on his Sunday suit. Al’s confused, as she knows it’s Tuesday today… oh, she knows! She jokes and asks Wade if he is going to go see Siryn again. Wade denies that, telling Al that he’s just going out for some fresh air, and teleports away. Al laughs.
The core is on-line, and it can begin in five counts. Walter notices that the gamma levels read strong, he removes the safeties, crosses his fingers and activates the project. The crystal starts to break and, after it engages, it breaks through the roof, leaving a giant green light behind!
All of the other scientist clap their hands for Walter, glad that he managed to do the job. Walter corrects that they worked together like a team, and thinks that the beam must have looked spectacular from the outside. Walter undresses and starts changing, and asks if someone wants to join him for a first-hand inspection of their fully-operational faculty. The docs call Walter crazy as it’s forty below out there, and they’ll freeze! Walter hands over his glasses, and transforms into Sasquatch! The cold won’t bother him.
Walter knows he shouldn’t have broken protocol like that, but doesn’t care much about that. After all, what better reason to assume the form of an ancient Canadian god than to enjoy one’s life’s work. Walter admits that he finds it a pity that James and the rest of Alpha Flight aren’t with him to share the moment. He would have find it nice for them to see an ex-teammate thriving in his element, challenging the boundaries of science in his human form instead of that of Sasquatch. Walter takes a look around, and thinks that the aurora borealis can’t compare to the beauty of the sky he is seeing right now.
While Walter stares, Zoe tells Noah that everything is ready and that they should go get “him.” Noah tells Zoe to consider him got, and that the call has already been placed to Patch.
San Francisco, Golden Gate Park…
Wade is playing with his image inducer and has transformed into a black man, as he talks to his old friend, Gerry. Wade asks Gerry to look at the people around him, and thinks they are just bugs with walkmans. Gerry couldn’t agree more. Wade thinks that the humans’ entire gig is based on the misconception that the world is basically a good place, and calls everyone idiots. He transforms again, this time in a big, hulking blonde model like guy.
Wade mocks the people around him that they have no clue that people like him exist; ugly people, that is. Wade suspects that if the beautiful people did knew though, they’d be home barricading their windows instead of blading and AB-rolling through Fantasy-land like they are doing now. Gerry thinks so as well. Wade changes his look again, this time in a rapper. He mocks that puppies die, “Cheers” gets cancelled and presidents get faded and all that without rhyme or reason. He thinks that there’s no order to the entire world.
Gerry tells Wade that he’s bringing him down, and wants to know what the point of all this talking is. Gerry also jokes that he doesn’t like Wade’s current look and suggests that he changes again. Wade changes again, and transforms into Kane! He explains to Gerry that the point is that there is no point. Which is exactly Wade’s point. It’s all just random. Wade asks Gerry if he likes this face better.
Deadpool stops talking, as his beeper is going off. Wade apologizes and transforms back into his normal look, and mentions that he’s got to go. That’s fine by Gerry, but he wants Wade to confirm to him that he isn’t just a figment of his fractured and demented psyche. Wade denies that, and reveals to Gerry that he’s just a figment with a holographic teleporter, and jokes that Gerry is just screwed up in his head. That’s okay by Gerry, and he wishes Wade good luck, and looks forward to see him again Sunday.
Deadpool teleports in, and is welcomed by Patch, who stands on a table and with a whole bunch of other mercs standing around him. Wade apologizes for being late, and jokes that he overslept because his dog ate his note. Patch shouts to Wade to shut up. T-Ray says hi to Wade, as they haven’t seen each other for a long time. Wade doesn’t think it has been long enough, and sarcastically asks T-Ray if he has killed any more babies this week. T-Ray jokes back that he only killed the ugly ones.
Patch starts explaining the mission, and calls it a piece of cake. It’s about demolition of an unmanned scientific edifice, remote location. There’s only one special request, that the merc who accepts the job should be familiar with Canadian military ordinances, and that Weapon X experience is a plus. Wade has heard enough, and volunteers. But Patch is angry with Wade for being late, and wants to give the mission to T-Ray instead. Wade apologizes for being late and points his gun at Patch, and a pwetty pwease later he gets the job.
A few hours later, Antarctica…
An ice-cold Deadpool tries to make his way through the thick snow, and is upset at Patch for giving him the mission, and promises to strangle the guy once he’s home and has the feeling in his hand back, and also promises to snap Weasel into two for teleporting him so far from the battle field, as now Wade has got to carry his weapons all the way through the ice cold snow! He also wants to kill the dude who invented the snow after the job, but Wade corrects that snow has probably been invented by a woman, as only a woman could have made it so cold.
Though Wade is confident that, once he’s safely inside, his healing factor will kick in and patch him up and he’ll taste better than chicken soup. Wade notices a green light show up ahead, and thinks there must be the place for him to be. Wade wonders what’s up with the thing though but, since he isn’t paid for asking questions, he decides to go over to the fun part of his job. He arrives at the science building, and places a time bomb on it. He activates the counter, but gets disturbed by scientists who came out to smoke. Deadpool is a bit annoyed by them, and calls out to them. The scientists suspect that their friend Simon is behind it.
Deadpool proves them wrong and tackles the scientists, joking that he isn’t Simon, since Simon wouldn’t kick their butts like he’s doing and, of course, Simon would of course have not installed an incendiary device on their main building, now would he? Wade corrects that by seeing the scientists, they have taken out the “un” part out of “unmanned” post, so either way he’s at the wrong station or he has been set up.
Sasquatch angrily arrives, and recognizes Deadpool, and demands to know what he has done. Deadpool jokes that he’s fine, and has been busy with his usual knitting. Wade jokes that he was happy with the short introduction, but really has to go back to his job of wrecking the place. Wade throws chains at Walter hoping to trap him, but he jumps away from them. Sasquatch attacks Wade, revealing that he has no idea how bad he screwed things up.
Wade asks if it was as bad as the time when Walter found him rummaging through his main squeeze’s clothes, while she was still wearing them? Deadpool asks how Aurora/Jeanne-Marie is doing these days. Walter tells him to shut up and grabs Deadpool’s head. He orders to release him or else… Wade will lick his hand! Walter tries to calm down, and asks Wade to listen carefully to what he is about to say. Wade would love to, but jokes that Walter is shouting too loud. Wade takes out his sword, and stabs it into Walter’s hand! He screams.
While Sasquatch is screaming, Deadpool congratulates him on the new place he has, and asks if the Canadian government provided him with it. Wade jokes that the only thing they ever gave him was a golden watch and a lot of acne. Walter asks Wade if he’s just here because of some old vendetta. He thinks Wade has really sunk low this time, as he wants to take revenge on the entire world for the wrongs Department K once did to him. Wade remarks that he doesn’t want to make the entire world pay, just the do-gooding poindexters in dire need of electrolysis.
Walter tries to calm Wade down and wants to listen to him: if he damages the reactor any further, a meltdown will take place. Wade isn’t interested and takes bombs out of his bag, which on impact electrocute Sasquatch. Wade jokes he has forgotten how much Walter likes the sound of his voice, just like in all those therapy sessions Wade has gone to.
Walter gets up again. Deadpool is confused. Walter tells Wade that he can blame the Weapon X Program, he can blame the cancer, and he can even blame the Canadian government for turning him into a monster, but Walter makes it clear that no scientist twisted Wade’s soul. No doctor took away Wade’s sense of right and wrong. Walter thinks Wade has become a monster because he allowed his anger and self-pity to make his inside match his outside. Walter knows he can’t be a judge though, since he’s one of the good guys, and throws Wade against the back of a wall, and breaks the wall a little. Wade, exhausted, soon gets up and thinks that Walter may be right and wants to shoot himself!
Walter begs Wade not to move any further because the core has been damaged. Wade pulls the trigger, but the bullet misses his head and instead hits the core! He jokes that, after his terrible life, it seems he’s a bad hitter as well. The alarm system warns that the core will reach critical mass in about fifty seconds. Walter picks up a rock and presses it against the core, hoping it’ll prevent the explosion. Walter sarcastically congratulates Wade on his fine job, as he has now doomed the entire Southern hemisphere!
Wade wants an explanation. Walter isn’t surprised that he doesn’t understand it. He reveals that this facility is meant to suck ambient gamma radiation out of Earth atmosphere. To do that, they have to generate energy with a reverse polarity, but it doesn’t matter now. Deadpool doesn’t care as long as he gets paid and that will be the end of it. Walter denies that will be the end. He explains that a meltdown of this magnitude will irradiate the entire Southern hemisphere, and there will be no burns for the lucky ones, and others will end up getting mutations, like cancer. Wade thinks about it. Walter is not surprised that nobody told Wade about the effects, and that he will become a victim as well.
Deadpool has heard enough. But he swears that if Sasquatch ever tells anyone about this, he promises to shave him down like a French puppy! He starts climbing up the reactor, and asks Walter what to do, but wants to hear it in English. Walter mentions that the core will reach critical mass when the fluid in the tube runs out, and they can’t stop that. But they can keep the mass down by removing a large enough piece of the core. Wade asks how large they are talking. Walter doesn’t know. Wade wants to know how he can reach the core without frying his canastas off. Walter doesn’t know either.
Wade hesitates in what to do. He knows he can still go home and catch some sleep, but he decides not to and jumps into the gamma tank! This is going to hurt. As he dives deeper inside the core, Wade’s mask starts to burn up and his vision is blurring. He definitely should have gone back home and watch “The Nanny.”
Wade doesn’t know how much explosion they will need, but places a giant bomb against the tube, hoping it’ll work. Wade jokes that he now had paid attention in physics class instead of staring to his teacher’s chest. Wade tries to swim back up, but the bomb explodes! Luckily, the plan has worked, and the core rendered inert. Walter congratulates Deadpool, but hopes that he’s still alive, if only to rearrange his face. Walter explores the room,finding Wade lying next to the tube, and picks him up.
Walter jokes that if he didn’t knew any better, Deadpool just committed a complete selfless act of heroism. Wade doesn’t care as long as if it impresses the chicks. Exhausted and almost out of breath, Wade promises he’ll still kill Langkowski, once he has recovered. Walter asks Wade for once in his life to just try not to talk, and he promises to make sure that the government will give him a hero’s burial.
Wade thanks Walter for the thought, but explains he’s got a healing factor, which will take care of his wounds. But if the day comes, he asks Walter to bury him upside down, and stick a Canadian flag up his… Sasquatch shouts at him to be quiet. Wade tells Walter that loud is bad. Walter thinks that if Wade has a headache, wait until he sees the bill he’ll get for this place.
New York, a few days later…
Noah complaints that their guest is thirty-five minutes late, and doesn’t think that Patch gave him the message and won’t show up. Zoe asks her partner to have faith. Noah mocks that faith is for children, and that he’ll call transport. Noah calls out the Alpha team, but then the doorbell rings.
An angry Wade, holding his guns, enters and is glad to meet his mysterious employer. He wants to know why they always have meetings in these kinds of exotic locals. He stops joking, and apologizes for his manners. He introduces himself as Deadpool, the guy whom they set up last week, and Wade wants to kill them both for it, but he will allow three seconds for them pointlessly defending themselves. Wade points a gun against Noah’s head and asks her to explain it in small words.
Zoe shows Wade a paper, and tells him to read it that Antarctica was a test, which he passed. And now, she and Noah are allowed to make Wade a special offer on behalf of… Landeau, Luckman & Lake! Wade notices that Zoe’s holding a contract, and explains that since he’s about to kill them, negotiations is not in order. Wade recognizes the name, and asks if L, L & L aren’t some sort of piggy bank or something.
Zoe reveals that she is the Expediter and, as per Wade’s question, she claims that their corporation has influence beyond the realm of finance. Very far beyond. But a chain of predicted events have began to transpire. If they are closely monitored and subtly influenced, these happenings will lead to a galaxy-wide rebirth, and result in an evolution of culture and civilization undreamt of on this or any other planet. This is a fact.
Zoe explains that they believe that Deadpool will play an integral part in the realization of this paradise, if he is ready, to fulfill his destiny as a guardian of humanity. Wade calls that barking, with him being the wrong tree. Zoe asks Wade if that’s true, why he stopped the meltdown and spared Sasquatch’s life. She suspects that perhaps Wade is a better person than he’d like anyone to believe and, perhaps deep down, he’s ready to become a hero!
Wade remains silent for a while, and thinks about it. But, he doesn’t think so. He jokes that Sasquatch owed him five bucks, and he couldn’t just let him Welch. He claims not to care half a spit what happens to this world, which is less than the world cares about him. He informs Zoe that, if she wants a hero, he has heard that Luke Cage is for hire again. He tells Zoe and Noah to go back to their bosses, and inform them that the next time Landau, Luckman & Lake mess with his life, they will be called Dead, Dead & Dead! Wade has a headache, so painful that he doesn’t even want to bother with Zoe and Noah anymore, and teleports away.
Once he’s gone, Zoe tells Noah that she still thinks that Deadpool is the man for the job. Noah doesn’t agree, and sees Wade as nothing but a loser, and mentions that the Psi’s were wrong about this one. It might be a gut feeling, but not only does Zoe believe that the Psi’s were correct, she also believes that Deadpool is going to be more important than they will ever want to imagine.