Wednesday. A mercenary, his matron and his image inducer.
Al meets up with Al, who’s sitting on a bench in at the park. Wade wants to know what she’s still doing there. Al jokes about it, asking Wade if it could be that he shoved her through his infernal hoosie-whatsis on her way to the “loo” during the daily show commercial break? Wade jokes the hip kids call it a bodyslide portal as it’s for teleporting. Wade activates his image inducer and looks like a Jamaican citizen. Al tells Wade he can call it Eleanor Roosevelt on a Go cart for all she cares, but she isn’t on the can right now and she needs it.
Wade, transforming in a black man, asks Al to put her… needs… on hold for a second, as this is important. He needs to know why she’s still with him when he already set her free. Al claims that Wade knows how she A.A.R.P. people are: it must have slipped her mind. Al really has to do her business and asks Wade if there’s a bush nearby or something. Wade, transforming into a fat man, doesn’t know how Al could forget she’s free. She can go wherever she wants! There are no strings attached and no games played. Al doesn’t believe that, telling Wade he knows what a kidder he is. She thought he was just joking around.
Wade claims he wasn’t. He is serious like a heart attack at forty thousand feet. He changes into a surfer, and explains to all that those LL&L people he told her about, that Californian Raisin called Monty, made some predictions about him. And they’re coming good, true stuff. Big things were told about him, like where he’s heading to and what he’s becoming. For the first time in a long time, the big brass ring is at Wade’s fingertips. He’s on the verge of being a real hero and heroes don’t keep blind ladies trapped in a booby-trapped cage. Al can buy that.
So, Wade tells Alfred again: she can hit the bricks. Skip town. Vamoose. She’s free… for real. Al doesn’t know what to say. In herself, she wished that Wade would stop making it so easy for her. She wonders if he has any idea how badly she wants to walk out of this life forever. But, if she left, Al could never forgive herself. Some debts can’t be ignored. Some penances… they burn deeper than others… and the one Al owes Wade is a doozey though she hopes God will help her if Wade ever realizes that. Al tells Wade she doesn’t want to leave and will stay.
Wade apologizes but he thinks he didn’t catch that last part. That must have been the spinal tap he cracked at eleven. It sounded a lot like “I don’t want to leave.” Al doesn’t want to make a big production out of this. The offer is tempting, she knows how few and far between Wade’s bouts with lucidity are, but she wants to just chalk it up to “old ninny with fear of living on her own” syndrome and wants to call it a day. Wade doesn’t know what to respond. He’s feeling all misty. He promises he will do right by her, but right now he’s got to jet back to LL&L, as he feel water works coming. Al asks Wade what he’s doing. Wade simply waves Al goodbye, as he doesn’t want her to ruin this moment and tells his roomie he’ll see her around. Wade teleports away, but… Al still has to use the can!
At his lab inside Landau, Luckman & Lake, Monty is busy trying to feed his ‘children’ but they don’t want to eat and don’t say a word, upsetting Monty a bit. Suddenly, one of the children does seem to speak, and questions Monty’s social skills! Monty is startled to hear one of his children finally speak. The child claims that, of course, he can speak, as he was just pretending to be comatose so he could score disability. Of course, he’s holding out for the real score. Suddenly, a yuk is heard. It was actually Wade talking! Monty should have seen the look on his face. Monty isn’t amused by the prank. Monty can’t believe they were actually concerned about Wade having gone missing. He’s not capable of expressing the rage he’s feeling right now and asks Wade to leave.
Wade doesn’t want to, as he wants to talk to Monty. Monty thinks that must be the joke of the millennium. Wade apologizes for making fun of Monty’s veggie friends, but what he has to say is really important. He asks Monty if he remembers the time when he pulled the fortune cookie routine on him. The things Monty told Wade about his future. Monty does, and asks Wade if he believes his prophecies. That he is the one who will spearhead the Mithras Directive? Bingo. Of course, Wade is probably just as deluded now as Monty and Culloden, but after what he has been through the last few days, it’s comforting to know it all pays off, because he’ll get something right to do, something good. So, Wade thanks Monty for spilling those beans.
Monty thinks that was beautiful. He knew that buried underneath all that… violence, there was a sensitive, vulnerable man waiting to be nourished. Wade walks over to Monty and pulls his plugs out of the computers, telling Monty he had to go and ruin the moment, didn’t he? Monty panics about his monitor feeds and shouts, wanting to know what Wilson is doing. Wade, picking the beanstalk out of his wheelchair, tells Monty he can relax. Like Wade said, he’s there to thank him and not to spank his Stewart Smalley butt or something. Monty doesn’t need to be thanked but wants to be put back into his chair.
Wade doesn’t think so, as it would be a shame if Monty would miss their field trip. Monty doesn’t know what that means. Monty fears they must be going outside, which has been a very long time for him. A portal opens, and a scared Monty calls out to security as he’s being abducted. Wade doesn’t know why Monty freaks out like this, but thinks the guy’s lucky he has a pal like him to keep him solid. Monty wonders why nobody of the guards is answering his call, but that’s because Wade knocked them all out. They step into the portal and vanish.
A few moments later…
Wade and Monty arrive in a beautiful hotel. He was thinking to himself the other day how he could thank Monty. Then, it struck him today on the can doing the search-a-word in Highlights magazine. There’s only one place a guy who can tell the future, whose name is Monty, can be brought to: the fabulous Monte Carlo! Hence, one bodyslide later and… boom! Here they are. Two dermatological challenged studs on the prowl. Wade tells Monty to take a sniff from the air and take a look at the babes. Monty, a bit disappointed, correcting Wade that Monte Carlo is not in Spain: they are at the French Riviera! Monty wants to know what the thing on his head is.
Wade mentions that this is Monty’s disguise. They are in a house of high rollers. He can’t just traipse in, looking like a three-day old pecking duck! And to complete Monty’s cover, for the duration of their mission, Monty is a seamstress named Consulea and Wade will be his benefactor, Armando Khan! Wade uses his image inducer to look like a stylish clothed man in a white tuxedo. Monty hates that he’s on an actual mission. Wade mentions that they’re going to take Monty’s unique precognition skills, mix them with one shiny silver dollar, shake well and fill up their piggy bank!
Another few moments later…
Wade is talking to a cashier. He finishes a story, telling her how he pick-pocketed a small diamond he holds in his hands, a diamond he stole from a little runt named Logan. It’s brought him luck so far, and the admiration of pouty-lipped cashiers ever since. The cashier fakes she’s fascinated by the story. Wade jokes he really is. He asks the cashiers if they shag nor or later. He’s just joking.
He asks the babe to give him the cash and suggests she keeps the diamond on the side so he can buy it back later. The cashier hands Wade a glass-like frame and tells him to have a good time but warns not to spend it all at the same place. Wade, unfamiliar with the glass, is upset about the small size of it and wants to know what he’s supposed to do with it. The cashier has a few suggestions, but she’ll let Wade figure it out as she’d imagine he has experience with small things.
Wade walks back to Monty and tells “Consuela” that he’s on. It’s time to take those precognition powers of his and turn this humble little chip into a fat donation to the Wade Wilson Pocket-Filling fund! Monty corrects that he’s a finely calibrated precognition, and that what he is suggesting to do is a petty and insulting abuse of his gifts. He refuses to cooperate. Wade tells Consuela that he has two choices. One is to have fun with his pal, Ricardo, cheating a casino out of a few paltry dollars, and the other is listen to him snap whatever part of Monty’s spine hasn’t gone mushy in his gimp rig. Monty calls Wade a hideous man.
Three hours later…
The casino owner walks startled in and asks the cashier what’s going on. The cashier is angry and notices it’s Wade, who has by now broken the bank at almost every table. She has never seen so much luck. She thinks that between him and Monsieur George, they’ll be lucky to make a profit for the week!
Wade tells a watching crowd, calling them Smurfs, that it’s all about the technique. First, one has to address the play machine by inserting a coin in it, and then the money can roll in. “Consuela” warns “Armando” that he better tries to use his technique on a different machine now, feeling that machine won’t pay again until tomorrow. Wade thanks Consuela, remembering his mate who has the golden touch here. Monty gets furious when he hears that. He knows there’s no technique here. Wade wins because of his ability to see the future and Wade operates that lever like a trained monkey!
Wade tries to tell the crowd not to listen to Consuela, joking his diaper’s pitching. Monty reminds Wade he’s won more money in three hours than most men see in a lifetime. He suggests they play the slot on the left now and then they can go home. Wade calms down agreeing to switch over. Another few moments later, Wade once again literally swims into the money. He suggests they go take a Las Vegas vacation now. Monty feels filthy. He suggests that Wade has his footmen cash out his ill-gotten booty while he’ll be waiting in the lobby. Wade guesses they’ve done enough damage for one night.
Suddenly, he smells Baccarat. He recognizes Monsieur Georges hanging out with two beautiful girls. He smiles, telling his darlings that there is no need for luck or skill when one is born to win! He knows the universe always smiles on the righteous. He asks Wade if they’ll put an end to this tediousness and retire to his suite. Wade walks over to Georges, as he couldn’t help but overhearing his theory about a perfect universe. He’d like to bet his lucky silver dollar plus or minus a hundred G’s, that he’s full of fois gras. Monty refuses to be a part of this any longer but Wade ignores him.
Georges explains his second theory about the universe, namely there’s a sucker born every minute and tells Armando to have a seat. Wade tries to introduce his ‘assistant’, but Monty is too upset joking that the future is too cloudy and that Wade is on his own now. That’s fine by Wade, who claims he doesn’t need Monty’s luck anymore, thinking he knows enough now. But a hand later, Wade has already lost everything. Georges is not surprised. Georges thinks that perhaps this will teach Khan and his misshapen friend to stick with crochet and tiddlywinks. He knows that both are providence and baccarat are reserved for real men like him, not for insolent boors and their crippled.
Overhearing that statement Monty gets upset. He humble begs George for a shot at redemption, wanting to play one more hand for two million dollars. Wade wants to know what Monty is talking about. Georges admires Monty’s foolishness, as it just proves his point. He’ll take the challenge and, though he doesn’t have the cash on him, he’ll back his wager with the following. He shows Wade and Monty a golden key, which opens his personal suite, which is the most opulent room in all of Monte Carlo. Wade thought that gambling was a petty and insulting abuse of Monty’s gifts. Monty defends that it still is, but this isn’t gambling: this is war. He tells Wade to ask for two cards, and to get ready to be the center of attention.
And so, a few ands later, Georges is broke and ‘Khan and his crippled’ have won the game. Wade is enjoying the female attention he gets and orders “Tattoo” to bring his him mai-tie and to stop trying to look up Barbi Benton’s dress. Wade tells George not to look so glum. Sometimes, the broken old universe is just funny like that. Wade tosses his first coin to George. It’s a partying gift, thinking George earned it, but warns if some smelly midget with a funky quaff and bad manicure ever asks, he didn’t get it from him.
George ignores it and lets the coin fall on the ground, but is angry and wants to make Khan pay. He picks up the coin and throws it at Wade’s face, but he easily grabs it back and lets the coin stick through his hand. He explains universal law number three, namely that George never has to judge a crook by his cover. He suggests that if George wants to talk shop sometime, he can come visit them… in the VIP suite. George, angrily walking away, tells Khan he can count on that.
Meanwhile, back at the LL&L base…
Dixon and Noah find Monty’s empty wheelchair, with a puppet put in the place and a bag over its head, which reads that he’s asleep and doesn’t want to be bothered. If he weren’t so utterly livid, Dixon would find this amusing. He supposes Deadpool is behind this. Noah confirms, as Security has a tape of him carrying Monty through a bodyslide. Dixon wants to know how Wilson foiled their security net. Noah believes he drugged the guards with tranquilizers hidden in a box of… uh… junior mints. Dixon wants to see those guards fired and then Noah has to find out where their families work and get them fired too and then burn their houses down.
Noah realizes that his boss is upset, but he warns about making rash decisions. Dixon thinks someone has to be held accountable for this infraction. He believes they are too close to realizing the Mithras Directive for Deadpool to be running amok. Noah agrees but wonders how they can punish Wilson. He thinks that any effective reparation would surely threaten the Mithras Directive. Dixon isn’t talking about punishing Deadpool. He knows he’ll hang himself before he ever needs to deal with him directly.
Noah doesn’t understand. Dixon thinks about Montgomery. Monty is too important to believe that he is above the program, that he is anything more than a piece of equipment. Deadpool has already tainted Zoe, and Dixon won’t have him ruin their fortuneteller as well, with his little “outing.” He orders Noah to call the Spine Doctors, and to tell them to sharpen their drills and get down here, as Dixon’s got a job for them.
At their hotel suite…
The stadium falls quietly as Wilson breaks into his sprint, cavalierly throwing a kiss to his adoring squeeze. Milla Jovovitch, who’s turning heads in her diamond-encrusted teddy and matching fez, watches Wilson hits his stride and vault! Wade fantasizes, and jumps into a pile of money lying on a table. It’s a perfect ten! Monty thinks he must be ill. He can’t believe that he actually swindled that man out of his money and this palace. And yet it felt so good!
Monty asks Wilson if that’s a wrong feeling. Wade corrects that Monty should never feel bad about hurting a guy who deserves it. Especially a Frenchman. Monty mentions that these feelings, this blurring of morality and ethics, he thinks he’s beginning to understand how Wade must feel like sometimes. For example, who wouldn’t think himself a monster after the way he was forced to abandon Vanessa.
Wade suddenly gets quiet and angrily looks at Monty. Monty wants to know what’s wrong he was just saying. Wade tells him to shut up. Monty didn’t say anything and he didn’t hear anything. Because if Wade did, it would be the last time sounds that passed for words would escape Monty’s lips. Monty wants to know what’s wrong. Wade takes off and tells Monty to get dressed. He needs some fresh air, and Monty has been stinking up the place.
Soon after, they hit the streets of Monte Carlo. Monty tells Wade that if he’s going to insist dragging him along on his little constitutional; the least he could do is speak to him. Wade thinks that’s fine and tells Monty to drink. Monty mentions that unfortunately, unlike a certain mercenary psychopath, he cannot drown his sorrows in that demon brew. He jokes that some of them require their grey matter to function with a degree of efficiency. Monty’s metabolism must be maintained. Wade overhears the word ‘maintained.’ He thinks the people at LL&L sure seem to have Monty whipped into shape. He bets Monty pushes on a big metal bar when it’s time for his pellets. Wade asks Monty if he sleeps in a habitrail or in a shoebox.
Monty asks Wade if he’s treating him so badly because he hasn’t won him any money this hour, or if he’s just plain evil. Wade tells Monty he breaks his shoes because he likes his skeletons in his closets, and his house of secrets locked tight. He doesn’t like people knowing his business. Monty corrects Wade to stop wearing his heart on his sleeve, and people won’t notice. But Monty thinks there’s more about Wade than he does, and he knows Wade is too afraid to ask Monty what he sees. Hesitant, Wade mentions that might be the case. Or maybe he doesn’t like guys who got it good, but Monty can whine and moan about it if he likes, Wade doesn’t care.
He opens up a whine bottle. Monty defends he doesn’t have it “good.” Wade doesn’t think Monty knows how good he has it. Aside from the swank digs and all the protein Monty can slurp back at LL&L, he can see into the future and will always know how the wind will blow! He will always know where to stand when the sand falls. Monty gets to live a life without ever having to wonder about the question “what if?” Wade would kill to know how “the Deadpool show” ends to see if there was a big pay off for all this work, to see if he should even bother.
Monty smirks that the grass is always greener, isn’t it? Monty claims that his “gift” didn’t come to him cheap. It cost him the enjoyment of a surprise ending to a novel, like the anxiety of living hand-to-mouth, the heart pound before a kiss. The daily unknowns that make human existence so precious. Perhaps that’s the worst part Monty has to endure thanks to his “gift.”
Suddenly, a man and his girlfriend stare at Monty and are freaked out by his appearance. Monty mentions that was a clear picture of his life to come. A life that shall never pass for normal, where he will always be trapped in this withered body of his. Denied of his greatest desire, until the day he dies. He tells Wilson that knowing everything in advance gives you more time to feel the hurt. Monty doesn’t even know why he’s telling this to Wade, knowing he probably doesn’t even understand.
Wade picks Monty up and wants sun dried to get one thing straight: just because he doesn’t watch “Touched by an Angel” or sing “Kumbaya” doesn’t mean he can’t be sympathetic. In case Monty wasn’t paying attention, Wade mentions that under his mask he himself looks like a shot for Pizza Hut and that they both got shafted in the looks department. Monty helped Wade to give himself a little hope about his life and he aims to return the favor. Wade suggests that they start with this “great desire” of Monty, asking what it is besides having a normal skin.
Monty refuses to talk about her. Wade has heard enough upon hearing the word “her.” Looks like Monty is up for a little nasty. Monty claims that it isn’t anything like that, and that Wade doesn’t even know her. Wade doesn’t think so. He has only seen one hot-looking babe constantly hanging out at Monty’s LL&L base, namely Zoe Culloden. Wade mentions he knows a brother who’s into voodoo and could ask for his help, or perhaps Monty could just ask Zoe out. Monty doesn’t believe that Wade is actually that stupid to think Monty would ask Zoe out. He asks Wade if he can picture that woman holding his gnarled hand on a moonlight stroll. Wade doesn’t respond. Monty thought so. And he’s the lucky sop who can look into the future! Monty will have that drink now.
A few hours later back at their suite, Monty is drunk and starts mumbling that, on that day, the director’s going to make Titanic 2 because he needs the money to support his plastic surgery habit. Monty has another good sight from the future: Michael Jordan is going to win the Masters game in 2005! Wade sights, wanting to know where Monty was when he bought all those stocks in Marvel Comics.
Suddenly there’s a knock on the door. Wade hopes that’s going to be the room service. It’s Batroc! Deadpool doesn’t know what’s going on. Batroc, recognizing Deadpool as Khan, notices that he seems surprised. Batroc wonders if Deadpool really thought he would let him rascality in the casino unpunished. Deadpool jokes he didn’t think that. Though he expected Georges’ big retribution entry to be a little more… he doesn’t know… intimidating and ominous.
Batroc calls Deadpool a fool, warning him he’s about to feel his wrath! Deadpool laughs at that last statement. Wade apologizes for it. He knows Batroc is trying to be all intense, but he couldn’t resist the laughter. Batroc gets angry and kicks Wade into his face! Batroc challenges Deadpool, but he jokes he isn’t into sole foods.
Batroc thinks the taste of his boot must have been bitter, especially when served by a true master of savate kickboxing like himself. Deadpool has heard enough bad comment and breaks a wine bottle. Wade admits that Batroc caught him snoozing there, but by Batroc’s terrible taste in color schemes, but this is it! Wade has seen deadlier footwork on Lord of the Dance, and Batroc is no Michael Flatley. Batroc kicks Wade again. He takes out his guns and opens fire on Batroc. He manages to jump into safety and goes to stand right behind Monty’s chair and kicks him out of the window!
Deadpool immediately runs after Monty and luckily he has survived the fall. A crowd gathers and is curious about what’s going on. Wade walks over to Monty who has fallen into a fountain and thinks he’s hurt or something. But Monty isn’t, he’s actually laughing and trembling. Monty has had the best time of his life here, as there was only six percent chance that he could survive a fall of that height but he managed to do it! He knows that the world’s events can’t be predicted all the time and that anything is possible. Monty picks up a flower and has even enough courage to tell Zoe how he feels about her.
Batroc notices Monty still happy and hates that his plan worked out like this. Deadpool arrives back at the hotel room and they continue the battle. Thanks to a small cord, Deadpool manages to slip Batroc out of his balance and make him fall down. Wade ties Batroc up and since he has had enough of the guy, it’s payback time. Batroc defends not to let him fall on the concrete, reminding that he dropped Monty into the river. Wade doesn’t care and tosses Batroc out of the window.
The next morning, Batroc has survived the fall though both his legs are in caskets and he is bounded to a wheelchair. The hotel manager hopes that his accident didn’t prevent him from not coming back, but Batroc claims that certainly won’t be the case and shall return. His chauffeur helps Georges into his car and they drive away.
Monty and Wade have watched the whole thing happening and laugh. Monty can’t thank Wade enough for this day and promises he’ll never forget it. Two teleportation portals open, and Wade gives Monty the final advice to tell Zoe how he fells. Monty promises he’ll do that, and the two enter the teleportation portals separately.
One bodyslide later, Monty, still holding a flower, tries to figure out how he best tells Zoe about his feelings for her. Though on that very moment, Dixon and two scientists enter Monty’s lab, trusting he enjoyed his little field trip. Dixon is disappointed at Monty’s behavior, but he swears it wasn’t intentional.
Dixon doesn’t think that this behavior is acceptable and tells the scientists their patient waits. He has to be whipped clean and think that two days should be enough to finish the job. Monty defends that Dixon can’t do that but he believes otherwise. Monty is his property, and Dixon can do whatever he wants with that!