(Deadpool voice-over, flash-back)
“Okay… if today is “must wretch TV” day, then it was a Sunday, which is usually my “fun day. My “I-don’t-have-to-run” day. But instead, I’m on a gig outside Al-Muzahmiya, wondering how I can pronounce the name of this place without chocking on my own phlegm. And his highness, the great El-Cain Akreplach starts his schtick.”
El-Cain isn’t pleased with his soldier’s performance, and starts calling them names. The soldiers defend themselves that it wasn’t their intent to ruin the sacred day they were celebrating, but they were trying to protect it. They were dealing with a villain that had entered their grounds and attacked them. Another soldier drags a bag inside the meeting room, explaining that they killed the villain and now have brought it to El-Cain as prove and in his holy name. They killed the villain because they know their master has so many enemies already.
“You know how those oil-barons get on their wedding day, no matter if it’s the seven or eight hundred around. Akbar and Jeff do their best to cover, but then, mister “I-was-an-extra-in-Lawrence-of-Arabia” gets all street.”
El-Cain recalls that his enemies are indeed many, as are his “clichéd posturings.” The soldier’s loyalty buys them life and El-Cain wants them to show him how the inept interrupted infidel. One of the soldiers bows, reminding El-Cain that, though the battle was brief, it was bloody, so he may not want to see this. El-Cain reminds his soldier that he killed two hundred men with his bare hands to build his empire, ate his enemies’ children and sat through Ishtar not once, but twice. “Bloody” means nothing to him and wants to see the body.
“Of course, the psycho is into it, I mean… who wouldn’t be? This was a work of bothering art. Okay, maybe he didn’t say it exactly that way, but that was the gist of it. After all, I practically drew them a map of where to shoot me, and I’m an artiste, non?”
El-Cain stares over the body inside the bag and finds it really spectacular. He loves the way the soldiers sliced across the pectoral and the nice grouping of bullet holes. He can really feel the energy the soldiers put into the battle. On that very moment, Deadpool’s hand reaches for El-Cain’s head and starts crushing it!
“Okay, Hammond Organ time. Cut to the soap opera in progress upstairs at the palace. Enter Princess Ophelia, the jewel of the desert. Nice and dunes.”
A handmaiden notices how sad Ophelia stares in front of her and tells her not to look so glum, as it’s her wedding day approaching. She can at least try to smile. Ophelia doesn’t know how she could, when she is being forced to marry someone she doesn’t even love. She’s forced to marry someone whose breath is worse than the stench of a tuna sandwich left in the desert sun. She wished that she was a braver woman, so she could have hurled herself from this tower months ago. The handmaiden is surprised Ophelia dares to say this. She reminds him that the sultan’s entire private army has gathered for the ceremony.
Ophelia looks down to the grounds below her, and notices that the handmaiden is correct: lots of army tanks and soldiers have gathered. The handmaiden suggests that Ophelia can think of all the prime rib that would go to waste if she was to die before the reception. Ophelia thinks the soldiers should starve for all she cares, as perhaps then her true beloved, Jasper, would be able to lie siege to this tower and rescue her. The handmaiden is afraid that there isn’t any time for that.
Suddenly outside, battle noises are heard. Before either Ophelia or the handmaiden can react to it, El-Cain’s head gets pushed through the door! It’s Deadpool! He rushes into Ophelia’s room and apologizes for it, but the curve on Ophelia’s belly button is all that and a bag of humus. He reminds Miss “Ernest Borgnine” that she sure is a looker. Ophelia wants to know who Deadpool is. Deadpool introduces herself to the girl, and warns her that if she does exactly as he tells her to, he might even save her life.
“There’s the usual barrage of questions, like: “Why is the sky blue? Have I ever hooked up with anyone from the cast of Trinity? Am I all cut up and bleeding on the Persian rugs?”
While running away together with Ophelia, Deadpool explains that what she sees is just an old injury from his stamp collecting days, claiming it acts up whenever it’s going to start raining sassy chicks in silk. He notices Ophelia not laughing, and tells her to just relax a little.
“Brides are always so tense on their wedding days. I think it’s because they know instinctively that marriage and death go hand in hand. But since that’s too much to process, they fixate on centerpieces and finger foods until their eyes bleed.”
Deadpool and Ophelia stumble into the main hall, where lots of soldiers were already waiting for them and start attacking. Trying to protect Ophelia at the same time, Wade kicks and punches around trying his best to survive.
“I tell Ophelia that I played a little trick on her would-be beau. I left his boys think they whacked me, so I’d get a one-way ticket into the castle. Hurts like a mother, but what the hey, I got a high tolerance for pain and a healing factor to boot. It beats trying to break both in and out of the place. I was about to share my second credo “Look out where dem huskies go, don’t you eat yellow snow.” But that’s when I was rudely interrupted.”
One of the soldiers uses his gun to punch Wade into his face. Wade continues to fight but, as more and more soldiers seems to arrive, he thinks there’s only one thing left to do. He grabs Ophelia tight and jumps through the window with her!
“Hey, I quietly asked the gentleman soldier to remove the gun out of his face, when it suddenly hit me that the dweeb wasn’t to blame for his injury,” I knew he had himself to thank for that. Something had distracted me and left me open to be attacked. Was it the princess with the come-hither lips? Nah, she had gams but nothing I couldn’t see on a mannequin at target. No, it was something else. Something I couldn’t quite identify.
It was like when you just drank something you shouldn’t have at a party, and you’re not sure whether to “flush with milk” or to “induce vomiting.” But I didn’t get much time to ponder, as one of the remaining soldiers fired a bazooka.”
As Deadpool and Ophelia jump out of the window, the bazooka blast just barely misses them. Ophelia cries out shouting how much she loves Jasper. Deadpool jokes that from up here, the big tanks below just look like little tanks. Suddenly, they land. Ophelia doesn’t know what just happened. Deadpool thanks Ilaney for the help, as she just demonstrated German engineering at its finest. He suggests they fly the plane once around the oil fields and then back home. That’s fine by Ilaney and she smiles at Wade.
“It was sweet. A real international coffee moment. I may be self-destructive, but I don’t want to die. You can quote me on that. I always have a backdoor, even in mid-air. Ilaney Brünker is a tectonic temptress of the skies. Duct tape two saltines to the back of a Warthog, she can fly it. Then she’d probably make a schnitzel out of it and wolf it down in one setting. She’s a good, hefty people.
The rest of the trip, I learn everything I ever wanted to know about Jasper. What he east for brunch, how he ties his shoes even his favorite movie. I roll my eyes under the mask, thankful that Ophelia’s at least good to look at, because she keeps messing up the stories about her long lost love and has to start over. Finally, we land in a desert. Ilaney does whatever she does to her plane. That’s why I hire her: to do that stuff so I don’t have to narrate about it. Plus, I don’t want Ilaney to see what’s going to happen next.”
Deadpool and Ophelia step out of the plane and walk for a while. Ophelia wants to allow her to have the honor of making him dinner, claiming that Jasper has a fine flat. Wade thanks Ophelia but he doesn’t like to eat after a plane landing. Ophelia is certain that her family would love to meet Wade and to thank him for what he has done. Wade wants Ophelia to put her mouth in neutral for a second, because he’s got a serious migraine coming up. They notice a limousine approaching, and Ophelia thinks Jasper must have hired it to pick her up, thinking about how romantic that is. Wade thinks that love is just grand.
Ophelia stares at the man stepping out of the car and is startled, as she doesn’t get to see Jasper, but instead… El-Cain’s twin brother! The stuttering brother is glad to finally see Ophelia, glad to finally understand why his brother went through the kidnapping of such a fine looking girl. Ophelia angrily shouts that this isn’t Jasper she is seeing and warns Deadpool that he has been duped. But Wade defends that he never said anything about going to a guy named Jasper; that was all her. Ophelia thought that, because Wade said he had come to save her. Wade did: he saved her for the little brother.
He takes off and wishes them good luck with the marriage, hoping they’ll send him a piece of the cake. El-Abel thanks Deadpool and promises to wire his fee as promised. Back in the plane, Ilaney doesn’t think Ophelia looks that happy, but Wade jokes that screaming is a way of showing happiness in Arabia. Besides, he mocks, he doesn’t pay Ilaney to think so she can take off. Preparing the plane for take-off, Ilaney calls Wade a jerk.
“Yeah, I’m a heel, so what. Heels make good dough. Of course, they also get rubbed in you-know-what all the time. Fast forward. Monday. I have nothing wise to say on Monday. We’re back in the new place in Bolivia, working like a three-dollar-an-hour-slob, to try and turn the new Deadhut into a home. Usually, I’d have my pal, Al, for that but not now. Ahem. It’s a nice joint, overall. It used to belong to a Generalissimo in the Bolivian Army who decided to pick a fight with me during my “darker period”. There’s a stain from him still under the fridge. It’s all that’s left. Like I said: “darker period.”
I’m putting more work into this crib than my last one. Statistically speaking, I figure it’s a safe bet. How many times can a guy’s blown up? I mean, assuming the guy’s not an Avenger or an X-Man? So, in the middle of welding the whoosie whatsis to the thingamajig on the flux capacitor, I get that feeling again. That distraction, like I’m on TV. Or in a comic book, being watched, so naturally that an approaching lizard chooses that moment to get skittish.
I’m going to spare you the sore details, but suffice it to say, this wasn’t one of my finest moments. My head still smells like Kentucky Fried Iguana when I shower.”
In his new home, Deadpool is busy installing a new, more advanced Box. While working on it, a desert lizard approaches him and stares at Wade. He laughs at it, and the lizard attacks him. Wade tries to defend himself and takes out a flamethrower, hoping to kill the creature with it. But instead, it jumps away, and on that very moment Wade hat activated the flamethrower and instead puts his own head on fire!
Monty approaches the on-fire Wade, joking that it appears he’s taking on a more Ghost Rider-esque approach to pain and misery. He thinks that’s smashing, but warns Wade to watch out for trademark laws, as Monty heard Ghost Rider’s lawyer is the devil’s advocate. Wade ignores him and tries to walk away, but Monty stops him. Monty wants to know if Wade’s going to speak to him again as all of the other cockroaches are getting a little dull on him. Monty just wants a little companionship and they don’t even have to talk about… that day. Wade corrects Monty that he just did and takes off, leaving Monty behind alone. Monty tries to tell Wade that he has to face up to it sometime, as the past does not die quietly.
“Outside, Godzookie does his best impression of Anna Nicole Smith’s acting career, when Monty messes it all up. I admit I forgot the guy was on the porch; otherwise I’d never have gone out there, especially without my “face mask” on. Monty ain’t been much fun since… the incident. Can’t blame him for that two-ton chip growing on his shoulder though. Guy used to be able to see in the future with 20/20 vision, but now, he couldn’t guess the ending of a Steven Seagal flick. Yeah, he’s a real Dear Freakin’ Abby, that one is.
So, one hijacked lear jet later, I’m in Instanbul for a meet an’ greet with an old colleague of mine. And this is where things start to get hinkey. Alestaire Finchley. A broker of illegal activities and an animal lover. Look, I’d tell you exactly what he said, but then you’d be fixating on his problems and that’s not why I’m here. Suffice it to say, Alestaire’s on the ASCAP’s top ten most wanted list, not to mention that of a few other choice organizations.”
While torturing a rabbit, Alestaire gets approached by several costumed and angry people. They shout at Alestair that he owes them money, women and rights to Beatles songs. Alestaire congratulates the costumed men on the fine John Lennon joke. He sarcastically smirks that he’s certain that obviously he has done something to upset them and wants to set things right without violence. The only thing he needs is his bag. The costumed people take out their swords and are ready for a battle.
“His bag. Here’s a crimebuster tip for you. Alestair ever asks for his bag and you’re in the room, kill yourself with the nearest spoon. It’ll be less painful and the end results will be the same. Unfortunately for Alestair, the ninja’s already knew about Alestair’s reputation with his bag. Fortunately for the little twist, I wasn’t late for our date. Incidentally, here’s another little nugget for the fact file: Hand ninja’s all have a suicide tooth. Snatch it before they’re scared enough to use it and you’ve got yourself a little party.”
Deadpool attacks the Hand ninjas and snaps all of their necks. Wade is a bit disappointed, as even the three Disney kids from the “Three Ninjas” movie could have been more of a challenge. After dealing with the ninjas, Wade tosses Alestaire some Egyptian bon-bon candy as a gift. Alestaire is surprised that Wade remembered. Wade smirks that some things never change. Alestaire knows that some things do change, however. For example, the sadistic methods Wade used to dispatch their attackers.
Alestair asks Deadpool if he knows what’s going on with his former employer back in Chicago, Patch. Wade admits he does and smirks that the mustache guy is still spending his time at the Hellhouse. This tells Alestair all he needs to know, namely that Patch’s side of their vendetta with the Hand has not been settled yet either. That’s unfortunate news. Suddenly, Wade’s common sense is tingling. He thinks they are being watched and quickly turns around and pulls his guns out, but there’s nobody there! Alestaire reminds Wade that they haven’t worked together for six years now, and doesn’t want to relive seeing Wade having one of his episodes. Wade claims that won’t happen and that he’s cool and wants to know what the gig is. Alestaire hands Wade over some papers, which describes his next mission: a nice, easy cold murder.
“A murder. I haven’t signed up to do a 187 in a dog’s age. A real old dog. Like Old King Cole. Regardless, of what they say in the movies, killing does not get easier the more you do it. That’s just some screenwriter talking who’d pass out if he got a paper cut trying to impress his girlfriend. Killing someone, especially when you have enough time to plan it, order Domino’s and do some bathroom reading before the trigger pull, it’s not like having your tonsils out. With no anesthetic using a rusty fish hook. So why do it, right? Why even take the stupid job? Why put myself through it again?”
Deadpool sits hooded in some bar and takes a look around. One of the female waiters is attracted to him and tries to flirt. She can feel that Wade is in pain and promises to take it all away so everything feels nice again.
“Last time I heard that, lady, there was nothing nice about it. The incident with the Destroyer. Ultimate peace and joy were in my hands, and I plunged the world back down into its own waste. But hey, at least we all got free will out of it, right? Whoopie… I can choose between “Monday Night Nitro” and “Dr. Quinn” reruns with a clear conscience. I tell the girl that I’m not looking for company. Don’t worry about her feelings, she’ll be fine. She’s used to this sort of thing, occupational hazard.
Why would anyone want to take a murder gig, you ask? Because once those tonsils come out, once you pull the trigger and do it, do the mark, do the deed… everything else falls away for a while. Everything gets quiet because the world is afraid of you. I NEED a little quiet.
It’s quiet where Ilaney lives, at the edge of the Black Forest in Germany. She’s an ex-German Army pilot. She hangs out there with her plane and plane parts, taking in strays and outcasts from the animal world and nursing them back to health. Her halo’s on back order though. Things got slowed down up when she tried to park a pond-jumper in the Swiss Alps without using landing gear or a Tarmac, if you get my drift. Something like twenty people died. Your first time, you keep the count.
We met when I buried her house in an avalanche a few months back. Best thing I could have done, really as she’s much happier now. Near-death experiences are often liberating. Okay, maybe not. But it makes me feel better when I realize I wrecked her quiet little life. Now, we have a business relationship-thing going on. I get her out of the house to see the world. She carts me around when I need transport and a getaway car, plane or helicopter. Even though Ilaney doesn’t like to admit it, I know she’s into the danger. But I keep her away from the rough stuff. I… I don’t want her to get dirty. HEY! What are you looking at me like that? I know what I’m doing… Honest!”
At her home in Germany, Ilaney lands her plane and meets up with another pilot. He hands Ilaney over an envelope, which contains a map. She takes a look at it and the place where Ilaney has to fly to next is marked with a big, painted “X.”
“Back home, the night before the gig, and I’m thinking again. I hate it when that happens.”
Deadpool remembers Blind Al leaving. Al believed that she couldn’t help Wade out this time, and instead told him she needs to do this before she loses her nerves. Al took goodbye and up and left.
“It’s my own fault. Matlock’s on. I should have checked the listings. Should have turned it off. Monty interrupts my nostalgic interlude, which is fine because I don’t want to talk about Al. But I do find it amazing that a guy who can’t even clean himself without dislocating his wrist is so skilled at pressing my buttons, I consider pushing the back of his skull out through his face for a second. But, I just had the stone floors bleached.”
Deadpool takes out his cell phone and thinks about contacting Al. Monty reminds Wade that, whatever he’s thinking, Al wouldn’t like it. Wade takes out his gun and points it at Monty, but withdraws it. Wade admits that he likes Monty and warns him to stop interfering with his own business so they can remain friends. Monty corrects that he didn’t ask to be pulled away from his climate-controlled corner of the world. He believes that Wade brought him there for some kind of purpose but, if he doesn’t want his wise counsel or his advice, then Monty sure wants to know what Wade does want from him.
Wade hands Monty over his gun and makes the guy point it at himself! Wade tells Monty he’ll let him put himself out of his misery and promises that the gun is loaded. Monty is startled to hear that Wade wants him to commit suicide. Wade jokes that he doesn’t want that. He wants Monty to guard his dollies with his life.
“Not the WHOLE dolly. Just the heads. Three hundred of them. Hey, I thought this was “non-judgmental” time. It’s a hobby, okay?! The day before the gig. Me and Ilaney start off on a bad foot. Being the eager beaver she is, Ilaney wants to know what’s going on.”
While flying over a desert and approaching a factory, Ilaney tries to guess the mission, thinking it’s either a bombing run or a rescue mission. Deadpool denies either of them and orders Ilaney to just fly the chopper. Ilaney tells Deadpool that she realizes that her job is to be the chauffeur, but she thinks she has a right to know. Deadpool angrily remarks that he thinks Ilaney has a right to sit on her fifty pound bag of potatoes she calls her backside and pay attention to her job before she crashes the helicopter and kills people before the job even begins! Ilaney gets quiet, but starts to cry. Deadpool feels a little ashamed but doesn’t say anything.
“Low blow. The lowest. I want to say I’m sorry. I want to tell her I didn’t mean it. That I’m not mad at her. That I’m messed up at the moment. Reviewing my dossier in my head, running through insertion scenarios. Visualizing the skill and my wreck of a life. About Al, and the Messiah thing. Thinking about Monty, the iron I left on, my head – and stomach ache…
When suddenly, the buzzing starts again. It’s loud, like a mosquito or a jackhammer in your ear. And something goes bloody in my brain.”
Deadpool stares out of the window, and sees a woman, driving on a giant, flying rabbit approaching him, ready to attack!
“Interesting? A lady on a giant saber-toothed rabbit pouring bourbon into a pitcher of milk while Patsy Cline’s “Crazy” plays softly in the background. And “Interesting” is all you have to say?!”
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had coffee yet since this morning. Um… very interesting?”
“That’s better. Initially, I handle the hallucination with my usual savoire faire, for about three seconds I look like I’m the hero of that day, because at that moment we get sucker punched by the local yokels from AIM! Ilaney just assumes I had some sorts of merc’s institution mojo working and took control to avoid the attack. I pretty much blow that out of the water the second I open my mouth and open fire in the cockpit.”
Deadpool freaks out and pushes Ilaney aside, shouting that they have to be brought into safety. Outside, a whole group of AIM agents with jetpacks on their bags fly towards Wade’s helicopter, firing upon it. Deadpool takes out his guns and starts shooting at the bunny girl, shouting that she has to die.
“Suddenly, the bunny woman is everywhere. Smiling and pouring, familiar but maybe not. Like when you’re walking down Fifth Avenue in New York City, and one of the bums looks exactly like Abe Vigoda and you say “Hey, Fish!” but he doesn’t respond and you’re not sure whether the bum was him and wants to sip his mad dog in private, or if he’s just a bum. Maybe not too much like that, but sort of, regardless, the situation was seriously snafu at this point.
I had completely blown the job, not to mention the fact that the innards of our ride were raining down like panties at a Robert Goulet concert. Those AIM boys really earned their money that day. I bet they all ran back inside their building and hugged. Worse… I wasn’t quite “with it” yet.”
Ilaney tries to warn Deadpool that they have to eject from the plane and escape. Deadpool feels dizzy and thinks he isn’t seeing Ilaney, but the bunny woman. The bunny woman doesn’t know what’s going on and freaks out a little. Deadpool freaks out and points his gun at Ilaney, still thinking she is the bunny woman, and shoots at her! The helicopter crashes.
“Okay, Okay that’s enough, Deadpool. I’m going to pull you out of it now. Three… two… BONGGG!”
Deadpool, sitting in an office without his mask on, thinks there’s nothing like a good old therapy session. He wants to know if he can put his mask back on now. His doctor wants Wade to wait for a moment and is interested in finding out what happened to Ilaney. Deadpool jokes he signed her ponytail, but missed. Next, he finally snapped out of it and they ejected. The doctor wants to know how Wade escaped from the AIM goons. Wade jokes that his enemies were AIM… ‘nuff said.
The doctor stands corrected. Wade wants to know what his verdict is. The doctor smiles that his humble estimation is that Deadpool has gone completely insane. So diagnoses… Dr. Bong! Wade sighs, joking “easy come, easy go.”