And so, Deadpool finds himself lost in space, wearing nothing but a space helmet so he can at least breathe. He tries to get a lift back to his home in Hoboken. He tries to remember how he got himself into this mess.
a few minutes ago…
The aliens have Deadpool outnumbered and are ready to crush his face. But, Dirty Wolff rescues his new pal since his crew had sent him to rescue him. Wade jokes that actually it was more like a barter thing. If he succeeded in rescuing Wolff, he got himself a free cookie (and a ride home). Wolff thinks that’s reasonable, and kicks the aliens off of Deadpool. He helps Wade up, and thinks it’s about time they get this party started! More aliens quickly show up.
Deadpool reminds Wolff that his ship got blown into pieces a few minutes ago, and he doubts the guy can hold up his end of the deal. Wolff defends that he can get Wade back to his “mudpool planet.” Still, he can kill him as well, should he choose to. Wade compliments Wolff on the nicely timed threats. He takes out his gun and points it at Wolff’s head, shouting to everyone to stop fighting them or else he’ll kill the guy! He shouts at everyone to step back. Wolff remains unimpressed, and eats Wade’s gun! Wade, at first speechless, takes a look at the remains of his gun and wants to know how Wolff did that.
Dirty Wolff doesn’t think so, because he would kill Wade first. He knocks Wade away and starts fighting his way through. Wade starts fighting his way through the aliens as well and, once he gets a free spot, he takes out two other guns and shoots at Wolff. He falls down but is unharmed, and the two start fighting each other.
Earth, present time…
Constrictor and Titania have hijacked a truck. Frank tells Skeeter his point. It’s just like buying the car to him, but instead you’re only really paying for the amount of time you actually use it. Then you decide you want out, and can sell it back, or even trade it. Or heck, even dump the wheels. And there are also the tax benefits to consider. Skeeter asks if she should write “used as getaway car for robbery purposes” on her taxes. She doesn’t even know where she could write such a thing down: under “Schedule V” perhaps? Besides, she adds, keeping a mileage log is too much work for her. And the interest can kill a man.
The tied-up truck driver explains to the two villains that they can’t really talk about interest. It’s the L.E.V. actually, which is a short for Lease-End Value, and that can get to a man. He had lots of times when the dealers overvalue the car, so it has no trade-in value at lease end. And the one selling it ends up screwed at the end. The trucker explains that leasing often can be a good way to lower one’s drive-out costs and monthly payments. But the price of the car has to be negotiated about, and not just the monthly payment. Then, total payments and the L.E.V. to get a price of the actual costs.
Frank still believes that, if you want something in life, you have to get it the old-fashioned way and steal it. Then you can pay off some DMV guy for an untraceable VIN number. They arrive at the place they had to be: at the place where the Mexican pirate ship is docked, ready to smuggle the cars on their stolen truck over the boarder. He believes it’s time for them to get into character. Titania gets out of the van and lifts up a car, lying to the site workers that she’s helping them out, claiming she’s got clients waiting for the cars and that Constrictor will handle the paper work.
Constrictor notices a site worker, and mocks that he doesn’t look much like a pirate. He doesn’t even have a bird on his shoulder. The guy doesn’t even say an “aye, matey” to him. Suddenly, something smashes through the van’s window! Frank quickly jumps out of the car, and asks Absorbing Man what his problem is! Creel believes that Frank is trying to mess with his deal. He explains that he’s got three trailers filled with Hot Porches, and jokes there’s only so many suitcases of cash to go around. He wants Frank to take his business elsewhere.
Frank starts attacking Creel, not thinking that’s going to happen. He defends that he and Titania had their deal set weeks ago! He admits that he doesn’t know what lovers spat Creel is having with Titania, but he suggests to keep it out of the business. Creel grabs the coils and absorbs their power, not knowing what the Constrictor is talking about. He claims this has nothing to do with Titania. Frank defends that this was Creel’s estranged wife’s idea. Creel gets even more confused, and doesn’t appreciate the Constrictor calling his wife names, especially not with the condition she’s in currently. Frank jokes and wonders if by “condition” Absorbing Man means that there’s a Creel Junior on its way.
Absorbing Man reminds Frank that he warned him, and angrily states that now he has absorbed the properties of his vibranium coils and the electricity flowing through them, he’ll shut Frank up personally! Using the absorbed power, Creel is able to stretch his arm and hits the Constrictor! He slams Frank against some boxes and defends that Titania is currently lying in bed. A confused Frank corrects that Titania is actually standing right next to him and calls out for her help. But, he doesn’t get a response, as… Titania is gone? He wonders what’s going on here.
Space, a few moments ago…
The battle between Deadpool and Dirty Wolff has gone on for a while now. Wolff grabs Wade by his throat. Wade tells him it’s time to finish their plan, though he isn’t sure Wolff gets it. Wolff thinks that “now” means that “Deadpool is passing out now.” Wade denies that. Wolff doesn’t understand what Wade is jabbering about. Wade wants to know from what planet Wolff is. He explains that he’s from Benzewezil. (Wade claims it was just a rhetorical question). But Wolff does realize what Wade’s plan was, and jokes he was just kidding.
They team-up together again and kill some more aliens. Wade recalls that while he was posing as one of the guards to rescue Wolff, he learned a short cut out of this ship, but right now the doors are probably shut. Wolff doesn’t see that as a problem, since he’s got a key. He knocks out one of the guards and steals his key. Wade is impressed and follows the guy.
Elsewhere on the ship, the warden, Lucifer Rasputin, has been informed about the riot and isn’t pleased. He wants all of the inmates back in their cells. One of the guards gently touches Lucifer’s shoulder, promising they’ll do their best. Lucifer doesn’t like being touched and, according to the rules, that’s good enough to get a man killed no matter what side he’s on. So, he has the guard dragged away! He sarcastically smiles he also knows a nice way to stop Wolff, and activates the comm. system. Rasputin reports that the entire base will self-destruct in 15 marks and all the guards are to evacuate in an orderly manner, and he smirks that all of the inmates are on their own.
Everyone starts running to escape pods, and Deadpool wants to do the same thing. But Dirty Wolff claims to have a better ride. Wade thinks he’s dealing with an idiot, but follows him. Wolff brings Wade to the place where his bike was stashed. Wade jumps onto Wolff’s bike and asks him how to activate it. Wolff shows it to him, and Wade quickly drives away at top speed. Wade admits that he doesn’t even feel bad about leaving Wolff behind.
A battle damaged Constrictor returns back home. He angrily demands to know where Titania went during the battle, and why Creel thinks she’s sitting at his home. Titania, while doing the laundry, tells Frank to just let it go, blowing it off as simple husband-and-wife stuff. That’s not good enough for Frank, as Creel bit into his arm! Titania tells him to let it go and instead to concentrate on taking on Deadpool when he gets back.
Wade enjoys the bike ride through space, but he notices he gets followed. It’s Lucifer! He thinks Wolff escaped, recognizing the bike, and attacks Deadpool thinking that it’s Wolff under the ridiculous costume. He pulls off the mask, and recognizes… Thom Cruz? Wade pulls of the jetpack from Lucifer’s back, and kicks him into an asteroid, which explodes once Lucifer hits it! Wade is surprised by it, mostly because he heard the asteroid exploding, which means that there is sound in space. He didn’t know that. However, the explosion did cause his bike to explode as well, and now he’s stuck.
(this brings you summary readers up to speed about the weird beginning of this tale)
A bit later at the Deadlounge…
Frank thinks that maybe they got lucky and Wade was blown into smithereens in outer space, but Titania believes otherwise. On that moment, Wade comes back home, carrying with him some comics and Chinese food! Frank goes to grab the poison detector and some chopsticks. Titania angrily demands her money, but Wade refuses to give it to her. Frank wants to know how Wade managed to get back. Wade doesn’t think it’s a story worth telling, but decides to give it a go for Frank’s sake.
A few hours ago, in space…
Wade remembers almost being out of oxygen, when suddenly a big spaceship with a bright light appeared. Wade thought he was done for, but then a door from the ship opened, and a man showed himself. He introduces himself as Corsair, and wants to give Wade a ride once they are finished with their current mission. However, since Wade isn’t interested in cosmic adventures, he thanks Corsair for the offer but decides to take the next ride. Corsair steps back into his Starjammer and continues his voyage.
Earth, current time…
Frank doesn’t think it makes much sense that Wade declined a ride back home from space. Wade explains that it turned out that the Starjammers radioed a passing freighter, who were nice enough to let him hitch a ride home (of course, Wade had to punch in a few heads first). Suddenly, a hand puppet appears and greets the three friends. Wade wants to know who the mysterious man is.
The man claims that he will be their new client, one with a special assignment tailor made for them, and their little dog, too! It’s Achebe!