Somewhere on Long Island, sunrise…
A woman sits, apparently alone, in a nuthouse. She cuts little women shaped figures out of a piece of paper, and they all have the same, weird hairstyle. An evil voice wonders what she is doing now, besides wasting her time again. A good voice warns the evil voice to go away and leave her alone. The evil voice thinks that the little girl is going to cry again, but he knows that there are no tears left. Perhaps she will grab the razor now and actually pull the job. It is certain, however, that the woman couldn’t pull it off, thinking she is too weak for it.
The good voice tells the evil voice to say what they want; she isn’t listening anyway. She is just glad that it will be over soon. The voice thinks that the good voice is correct, but for a whole different reason. It will be over soon, and sarcastically says that the best babe can win.
Elsewhere, in San Francisco…
Deadpool and Blind Al have been playing basketball for a little while now, on the roof of their house. Wade is winning, much to the disliking of Al. Al sarcastically tells Wade that he must be proud of himself, defeating a blind woman. Wade pities her. She is so angry in her own, little world, consisting out of Bingo and calcium supplements, when there is so much to be happy about. This is too weird for Al. She hasn’t had enough caffeine to handle Deadpool-lyte, and needs a breakfast.
Al asks what Deadpool is so happy about. Wade is glad she asked. It’s like the cream filling of a Twinkie, or the paradoxical allure of Chelsea Clinton. It’s something unexplainable and alien, but in a good way… that which is a woman. Al warns Wade that, if he keeps up with this, she will hurl all of her food over him. Wade is just psyched that Siryn believes in him. Al has heard enough emotional junk, and asks Wade if he scored.
Wade isn’t sure. Siryn fell on top of him in the snow, but doesn’t know if that counts for anything. Al asks Wade to stop, as she has heard hotter stories on the weather channel! She thinks she hasn’t taught Wade anything. Wade knows he hasn’t got the best track department in the l’amour department, but he knows that this is different. He never felt this way before. Al agrees, as she never saw Wade this way before either. Wade doesn’t know. One look at Siryn, and he knows she has that look of a “good girl.” And if a “good girl” like Siryn really believes in him, well that means something.
Maybe that even means that Wade can be good for something besides breaking kneecaps. He means, he isn’t going to turn into a sissy like Sabretooth, but it makes him feel good, that’s all. Al looks up, and speaks to the Lord above. She knows things haven’t been that good between them since the Vatican event, but, if Siryn is really going to turn Wade around, she wants the Lord to give her a sign first. Wade leaves, and Al decides to try throwing the ball again. She fires, but the ball misses the hoop, and hits a little kid below instead!
Later, at the Hellhouse…
Wade says “hi” to the other mercs when he enters the house, and most of them do the same, though others don’t even know who he is. Wade sarcastically has brought some gifts from neutral land for them, like a big clock, and gives some others cheese with holes in them. And they are completely free (well, except for a small customs charge of course).
C.F. welcomes Deadpool. He even kept his chair warm for him. Of course, the original chair broke under C.F.’s weight, but he made it up by buying Wade a new one. Weasel welcomes his bud, as it hasn’t been the same around here without him. He notices that Wade’s finger has healed. Wade confirms, but only wishes he could do something about that awful itching sensation. He notices Patch approaching, and asks the mustached geezer if he’s got a new mission for him. Patch angrily says he’s got nothing, and shouts at Wade that he’s on probation for three days.
Patch is angry at Wade for leaving on a personal matter without even telling him, leaving Patch behind in the middle of arson season! Wade jokes around, calling Patch small-hearted as ever, and wonders if he can make it up with the sweet, duty-free Swiss Novelty Chocolates he brought for the little guy. Patch’s mood immediately changes for the better, and asks if they are Edgads. Wade denies that, but they do have Nougat. Patch wonders if it’s legal to do that to a confectionery. Patch is speechless at the gender. Patch thinks he goes to put these back in his office, you know, to keep them safe.
Wade isn’t interested, and demands today’s hit list instead. Patch tells Wade to help himself. He himself walks away while admiring the chocolates, never having known they could be shaped like that. Wade takes the list, and quickly watches it through. There’s an assassination needed for a murder on a president in Madripoor, and a drummer is requested for Spinal Tap, but Wade isn’t interested.
Weasel cuts in, asking Wade if he can use him for anything, since he is a few bucks short since he has been eying on that Abmuncher. Wade denies, as he notices nothing mostly but junk. When looking deeper on the list, he thinks he might have found something. A woman needs someone to bust her out of jail. The location is the Gutman Institute for the mentally unhinged, room 5B. Wade is interested. Weasel has looked further, and warns Wade that there is also a job for a murder on the exact same woman! It’s a daily double.
Wade recalls that he can’t do that, as he promised that he would stop killing for money. Weasel has an idea: they could break the woman out of jail, collect the money, but don’t kill her yet. But, if the woman gets on their nerves, Weasel could kill her instead, and Wade would be guilt free. Wade likes the thought, and Weasel has now made him proud. He starts describing to Weasel what they will need.
Later, at the Long Island Institute…
Wade, while using his image inducer, has faked the identity of a concerned citizen. He begs a receptionist to take care of his friend. Weasel has been put in a wheelchair, and talks to a carrot. The receptionist isn’t thrilled with it, as no paperwork has been done about the patient, and he doesn’t even have insurance. Wade begs the receptionist for help again, as his friend thinks he is… Ricky Lake!
Weasel fakes he thinks he’s doing a show, with the topic wondering if Bob Barker should be spayed or neutered. The receptionist feels Wade’s pain, and promises that she’ll go find a bed.
Wade pushes Weasel through the hospital, explaining their next move. Weasel has to go the garage and secure their egress, and Wade warns Weasel to keep his wrist radio on this time. Meanwhile, he’ll check the secure ward. Apparently, their mark has been moved here from Ravencroft. Another mental patient notices Wade, and thinks he’s a doctor. Wade asks the poor guy what’s wrong. The patient claims he isn’t crazy at all, and wants to leave. Wade believes otherwise. He turns his image inducer off, and reveals his true self, and scares the poor patient by shouting at him. The patient starts to sing, thinking he’ll have his medicines now. That’s ten years of therapy going down the drain.
They move closer, and Weasel leaves to do his part of the job. Later, in the secure ward, Wade finds his subject’s cell. He notices that there’s a minimum on security and, since he has his maximum skills to use, he thinks this will be a piece of cake. He remembers that he’s at ease with the whole Siryn thing, and jokes that the only thing he needs now is a sponge bath. A beautiful nurse approaches Deadpool, immediately recognizing him, and points Wade to the sponge room. Wade is impressed by the girl’s beauty, but then he recalls having heard his Deadpool name. This is curious, since he still has his image inducer on. He claims to be a successful doctor, at least he plays one on TV.
The nurse jokes that the doctor can call her anytime, but she prefers to be called… the Vamp! She punches Wade, and he flies across the entire room! Wade turns back into his normal Deadpool self. He thought he was supposed to grope her before she punched him. He wonders if they might be able to go a few steps back. Like, to the part where the Vamp knew his name.
The Vamp tells Wade he can call it a woman’s intuition, or perhaps telepathy; that works too. She is fully aware that Wade is either trying to kill or rescue a woman named Mary from room 5B, but it’s tough to actually tell what Wade is actually planning to do, since his mind is hard to read. Either way, Vamp is here to make sure that Wade fails miserably. Deadpool tries to make another joke, but Vamp wastes no time and hits him again.
Mary notices the battle outside her cell, and comes to take a closer look. Meanwhile, a group of patients are discussing their fears. One of the patients, Bob, has almost lost his phobia of midgets, and another, Marv, starts talking about his fear of women. At that moment, Wade and the Vamp crush through the meeting room’s window. Wade jokes that Vamp can’t try to kill him at least until after their first date. Vamp gets angry, telling Wade to keep on talking, as that makes it much easier for her to kill him. Wade manages to get the upper hand, and bounces Vamp’s head on the ground.
Meanwhile, in her cell, Mary watches the battle. The evil voice notices that everyone seems to want something out of this. The evil voice mentions that the Vamp is insurance, and that she doesn’t need a man for this like the other two do. The evil voice is content with a contest. Mary keeps watching the battle.
Wade jokes that it might work between him and Vamp if they stop trying to kill each other. Realizing Vamp isn’t interested in that, he asks her to tell her why she is also interested in this Mary person before he kills her… permanently. Vamp calls Wade a demented soul, and thinks she’ll be doing the world a favor by killing him. Marv, the mental patient, keeps talking to himself that he must get over his fear. He suspects Deadpool to be the bad guy, and pushes him away from Vamp!
Deadpool angrily takes out his gun and points it at Marv, angry for pushing him away from where he wanted Vamp. Marv defends that women need to be loved and treasured, and that he does just that. Wade jokes he does to and, to prove it, he throws a grenade at Vamp, and it explodes right above her head! Wade jokes that he likes his women extra crispy.
Marv still can’t believe that Deadpool killed a woman. Wade explains that he didn’t. He didn’t kill Vamp exactly because she needs information about this Mary person and, besides, he could never kill a looker like her. The grenade didn’t exactly kill Vamp, as it was made from something Wade learned back in Chemistry class, something called Hepburn Tracy.
Suddenly, as the smoke starts to clear, it’s not Vamp that arises, but… Animus! Animus shouts at Wade that he should have killed Vamp when he got the chance, but he won’t get that same opportunity again with him. Wade thinks he might be on Candid Camera or something. Wade is disgusted by the whole thing, that Vamp turned into a man! Marv, trying to convince himself that women aren’t monsters, can’t handle the situation well and faints.
Animus attacks Wade using a blast coming out of his head, and wants Deadpool to feel his wrath. Wade, not really wanting to feel anything, dodges the attack by jumping over it. He mentions that, back when Animus was still Vamp, he had romantic plans for the both of them, but now, not anymore. He takes out his gun and shoots at Animus! But since Animus can bend space, bullets mean nothing to him. He creates a forcefield around himself and the bullets bounce off.
Wade is still disgusted, and was even having NC-17 fantasies about him and Vamp. He is still freaked out that she turned out to be a man. But now, Animus has got Wade thinking and that he might have been hitting on the wrong mutants all this time. He wonders what that sexy Professor X is doing this weekend. Animus attacks Wade again, this time using a much bigger force and blasts him through a wall.
Exhausted, Wade is still alive, but thinks he’s still with Siryn and apologizes for the mess, telling that this has got nothing to do with them. A voice calls out to Wade, begging for his help. He thinks it’s Princess Leia talking. It’s actually Mary Walker, the woman from the cell and the one who hired Wade. Wade mentions that as soon as he’s got himself back together, they can skedaddle out of there.
Mary corrects Wade that she didn’t hire him to bust her out. No, she hired Deadpool… to kill her! Wade jokes that he is surrounded by crazy women lately, and that his life has gone to hell. Mary explains that Wade doesn’t understand it. She is insane and can’t live with it. She keeps hearing voices in her head, that want Mary to do very bad things she doesn’t want to do. The other voices are about to come out of her head, and she prays for everyone when they do. She shows Wade one of the paper women she made earlier and on the back of it is her Swiss accounts bank number, and Wade can have it all once he killed her.
Deadpool knows that the customer is usually meant to be right, but usually they don’t beg him to kill them after he spend three days with them hazing them with toilet brushes. Mary thinks that’s fine. She takes Wade’s gun away from him, wanting to commit suicide. Animus approaches the cell. Deadpool has a better idea: he’ll bust Mary out of the mental institution and, if she still wants to kill herself once she’s out, he’ll see what he can do.
Mary warns Wade not to do it but, when Wade notices Animus approaching, he doesn’t listen to her anymore and runs away. The voices in Mary’s head are glad that Deadpool isn’t going to kill her, and tell her to enjoy the nothingness and thank her for the body. Wade picks Mary up, and she orders to put her down, not knowing what kind of merc he is supposed to be, running back to his mommy like a rookie. Wade resembles that remark, but stops kidding when he notices that Mary’s voice has suddenly changed.
Mary confirms that her former, uncertain self has indeed disappeared. Wade, not caring much, thinks that’s cool and calls out to Weasel for backup. Weasel answers the call, and is waiting in their van to escape. He hears Deadpool shooting and wants to know what’s wrong.
Deadpool tells Weasel to shut up, and just be ready to evacuate them. He asks Mary where they are, but she simply responds that Wade can figure that out by himself. Wade just loves the psychopath types. He starts describing the place he’s in to Weasel, as there are a lot of chairs and tables. Weasel suspects that they are in the Dayroom, but he can’t get Wade out from there, as that’s crazy. Wade angrily shouts that they are in the perfect place then, seeing they are in a mental institution!
Mary notices that Wade is apparently having trouble with his help. Wade starts to sing, ignoring her hazing. Animus enters, and Mary orders him to kill Deadpool. Animus obeys and opens fire yet again. Deadpool manages to jump into safety, but he is still exhausted.
Suddenly, bright lights spread into the room, and everyone besides Deadpool get blinded by them. It’s Weasel in the van. Weasel drives the car through the wall, and hits Animus. He is still alive, though, and wants to kill Weasel in return. Weasel pulls up the speed, and slams Animus against a wall. Deadpool thinks that surely must have killed the big headed goof, but Mary doesn’t think it will be that easy.
The evil voice confirms to Mary that Animus did die, and she knows what that means. The evil voice remains silent for a while. After that, he responds that that is “sweet.”
Afterwards, Weasel can’t believe Wade didn’t tell him that there would be icky monsters inside this place, as Weasel hates icky monsters. Wade locks Mary up in their van, asking if she’s going to come with them like a good girl or if they have to drag her. Mary jokes that she will follow her hero anywhere and anyway he wants her to. That’s fine by Wade. He closes the door, and asks Mary if anyone ever told her she is quite a hard pickle. Mary responds that people have, but they are all dead now. As they drive away, Animus’ body bursts up into flames.
Later, after dropping Weasel of at the airport, Wade and Mary find a hotel in the Bronx…
Not that having his ego kicked by over sized monsters wasn’t any fun, Deadpool would like Mary to pay him now. Mary promises Wade that he will get paid, as soon as his benefactor arrives. Wade isn’t in the mood for this cloak and dagger nonsense, and wants to know where he is.
Mary places her hands on Wade’s shoulder, adding that patience is a virtue. Plus, she corrects, “he” is actually a “she.” Wade finds that’s typical: more crazy women. They go deeper inside the apartment, but it isn’t that nice looking. Wade jokes he would sit somewhere and wait, but he still hasn’t taken any vaccinations this year yet, so he’ll skip that. Mary knows that the place doesn’t look that fresh but, after all, who knows what happened in this bedroom. She apologizes and goes to change into something more comfortable for their upcoming friend. She hopes that Wade can handle the suspense.
Deadpool can handle anything. To pass the time, Wade remembers how much Mary has changed since they met. He asks Mary if she has changed her mind about him having to kill her. Mary corrects that wasn’t her talking, but the other, weak Mary. Wade wants to know if Mary has any idea who send the Vamp after her. Of course Mary has… she did!
Wade is confused. Mary corrects that it actually wasn’t her, but the good, weak Mary, who is just a shade of the original, someone who doesn’t know how to have any fun. Deadpool wants to get this straight: one of Mary’s personalities hired him to kill her, but the other one…
Mary confirms, but that woman is gone now. Dead. That’s fine by Wade. He wants to know about the “Vaminus” that tried to kill him as well. Mary adds that she’s a lost cause now too, as she’s also dead. She jokes that Wade is as sharp as a golf ball. Wade wants to know which personality is left now. Mary mentions that the wildest dream is left. The worst reality. Something that bores into someone’s skull on a whisper.
She tells Wade, her tiger, to face it, as… he has just hit the jackpot! She wants Deadpool to come over to her, and… give Typhoid Mary a kiss!
“Uh-oh”, Wade thinks…
