(The Planet Ongulia, Six Years Ago)
Two blue humanoid aliens stand on a cliff overlooking an ocean on their planet. Holding hands and staring at each other the male alien, Wongus, tells the female, Bluzia, that the Ongulian defensive fleet needs him. He tells her he doesn’t want to raise a family in the shadow of terror.
Bluzia asks if he wants a family and Wongus replies that he does and then asks her to be his wife. Bluzia happily accepts and tells him she will invite her whole spawning group to the wedding. They will freak when they see she is engaged on Spacebook. Wongus apologizes and tells her that the wedding will have to wait, as he is reporting for duty in the morning. Bluzia is disappointed but Wongus tells her to consider the night sky their chapel and the twinkling stars their guests. He points to the glowing moon and tells her that will be their chaplain.
Bluzia is won over by the romance but then looks puzzled and asks Wongus why there are two moons. Wongus looks up at a bright light next to the moon. He tells Bluzia that it isn’t another moon. Before he can finish what he is saying, the two lovers are vaporized by a bright energy blast. Their entire planet is then destroyed by a gigantic moon-like entity that has a face on it. The entity laughs as the planet rips apart in a fiery explosion.
(On board the command ship of the Ongulian defensive fleet)
On the bridge of the alien vessel, Commander Kak is in shock that the Ongulian homeworld has been blasted to dust. One of the crew informs him a blast wave is approaching the forward gunships at incredible speed. Commander Kak tells him to send the order for evasive maneuvers but the crew member tells him it’s too late and the ships are already gone. Realizing they stand no chance against the oncoming blast wave and planetary debris, Kak sits down and tells everyone to brace for impact.
As he tells them it’s been an honor serving with them, a strange snorting noise rings out across the ship. Everyone looks confused and Kak asks what the noise was. He suddenly looks out through the viewing window to see the blast wave and debris gone. His crew member tells him there is nothing left and nothing to even prove of Ongulia’s existence. Kak stands up and tells him that there is something and it is them. They are what remain of Ongulia and it is up to them to avenge their family, friends, neighbors and their very world. One crew member asks how as there are so few of them. Kak shouts out that there will be more. They will scour the galaxy and raise an army of fierce warriors willing to fight at their side. Another crew member delicately asks if he meant suicidal instead of fierce because that is what they would have to be. Kak tells him that that is what they would have to be then.
Deadpool is driving Macho Gomez’s space-car through the galaxy. One of his inner voices asks what they are looking for and Deadpool says validation. His other inner voice says they haven’t seen anything like that yet, so maybe they should look at the map of the stars they picked up. Deadpool opens up a Hollywood map of the stars and examines it, before asking if they are really that unprepared. Suddenly, the space-car makes an alarming “klunking” sound and Deadpool looks at the dashboard. He is almost out of fuel and a screen lights up that says a distress signal has been sent.
The space-car idly floats around in the vastness of space. Deadpool is suddenly blinded by an extremely bright light and one of his inner voices points out they are moving backwards. Deadpool realizes it’s a tractor beam but his other inner voice corrects him and tells him it’s a tow truck. A little way off, another spacecraft has latched onto Deadpool’s car with an energy beam. A logo on the side of it says “Funtzel towing and recovery.” A voice radios through and says that they got Gomez’s distress call and they will have him back at the station in a sec. The voice belongs to the driver of the recovery craft. He is yellow and has one eye and four arms.
(Back at the space station (in just a sec) )
At the Funtzel space station Obb, the tow truck driver, goes up to Funtzel and tells him Macho ran out of gas. Funtzel, a large hippo-like creature with four eyes and pincers for hands, asks if he is wasted. Obb says he probably is, to which Deadpool buts in from behind and says he definitely is. Standing in the doorway to the office, Deadpool says he is the one who wasted him and then introduces himself and says they have probably heard of him. Funtzel seems surprised that Deadpool killed Gomez and tells him there will be consequences for doing that. Deadpool doesn’t seem bothered and then asks again if they have heard of him. Before anyone can answer, an angry voice comes from behind and says to Deadpool he killed her man.
As he turns around, he is head-butted by a female alien of the same species as Funtzel. As Deadpool picks himself up off the floor, Funtzel introduces the woman as Orksa, his sister and Macho’s wife. Orksa shouts that she is going to stomp Deadpool’s head off. His inner voices chip in and say she means it and this will be awful. However, Deadpool lifts up his mask and says that it won’t be that bad. He then plants a huge kiss on Orksa’s lips, surprising the angry woman. Deadpool replaces his mask and says that stops them every time. His inner voices say it does but then they puke or call the cops. Instead of killing him, though, Orksa picks him up, hugs him and says she accepts. Obb looks on in disbelief and Funtzel puts his head in his claws and says not again. He reluctantly welcomes Deadpool to the family business and calls him brother.
One of Deadpool’s inner voices asks what just happened and the other replies he just got space married to Orksa. Deadpool doesn’t seem too bothered though and hugs the smitten alien.
(Soon… after a brief and thoroughly disturbing honeymoon)
Deadpool, wearing a dressing gown, enters Funtzel’s office and asks what the family business is. Sitting at his desk he replies that it is towing and recovery, just like the sign says. Deadpool asks what they recover and Funtzel replies that it’s anything of value. Deadpool asks what Macho did and the annoyed Funtzel says that he brought him in to help Obb with the repos but then he hooked up with his sister. His sister is also his partner and Macho convinced her they should branch out into skip traces, bond revocations and other stuff. Deadpool asks if he was good at it and Funtzel says he was the best. Deadpool says he was when he was alive but then he met him.
Funtzel says he takes it Deadpool plans on continuing where Macho left off. Deadpool replies that he will be taking it to a whole new level as he’s now going intergalactic. Funtzel says they are already intergalactic as it says so on the sign.
Obb enters and tells Funtzel he has a location on the stuff for Terra-co. Funtzel is pleased as that one is a juicy little payday and he asks if Obb is taking off now. Obb says he is and he already has the anti-grav units packed. Deadpool jumps up from his seat and excitedly repeats he wants to go. Funtzel tells him to relax and Obb asks Funtzel if he is serious as Deadpool doesn’t know the first thing about what they do. Funtzel tells him he is about to learn and then goes over to Deadpool. He tells him that repos are touchy as nobody wants their stuff taken away and they take it personally when you do. The best way to do it is to get in and out quickly and to keep a low profile. He asks if Deadpool can do that, to which the merc just stares blankly back at him.
Deadpool and Obb are ducking down behind a rock as lots of lasers and explosions ring out around them. Deadpool, wearing a breathing helmet, grabs Obb’s head and pushes it down. He asks if he knows what low profile means. He asks who they guys firing on them are and Obb replies they are the Exto Clan who are the toughest mercenaries in the galaxy. The rocky landscape is littered with numerous members of the Exto Clan, who are all firing on Obb and Deadpool’s location. Deadpool is pleased to hear this and asks if they missed a payment on their guns or something. Obb guesses they are there to protect the Uranium mine from black marketers.
Deadpool gets out a scope and asks what they are doing here. Obb tells him they are going to repossess that. Deadpool looks through the scope at what Obb is indicating too and gets excited and says that it changes everything. Obb says it doesn’t change everything as that is the reason they are here. Deadpool asks him if he is familiar with the term “synchronicity.” Obb says he isn’t and Deadpool tells him he will explain as they run. Obb asks why they should run and Deadpool asks if he is familiar with the term “tank.” A little way off, some Exto members have an alien tank, which fires a rocket into the air, aimed at where Deadpool and Obb were.
A huge explosion rips through the area and the clan members confirm the target is down. Two of them move forward to search the area but they don’t find any bodies. They wonder where the two men went. Elsewhere, Deadpool is urging Obb to move and says this isn’t a drill. Obb corrects him and tells him it is. Deadpool replies he knows what he meant. The two clan members hear a huge noise coming from behind them and they are showered in earth and rubble. They spin around to see a huge, blood-covered, mobile drilling machine has burst through the ground. They look on as Deadpool pops out of the top and greets them. He introduces himself and one of the aliens asks who he is when they don’t recognize the name. Deadpool shoots the other alien in the head, causing the remaining one to flee in terror. As he runs away, Deadpool says he is the guy he will be telling everybody about.
(Back at Funtzel’s)
Deadpool triumphantly returns to Funtzel and tells him the mission was accomplished. Not only did he repossess the mining equipment but he also launched a brilliant marketing campaign. Funtzel goes over to Obb and asks what the hell happened. Obb simply points to Deadpool and says he did. Deadpool starts to celebrate his victory but Funtzel angrily tells him it isn’t what they do. Deadpool says it’s what he does and then goes over to Orksa, who is waiting for him. Obb turns to Funtzel and tells him they need to talk.
In his office, Funtzel says the egotistical glory-hound is going to put them out of business if he doesn’t get they killed first. He wonders what to do as he can’t fire him because he’s family. Obb points out Macho was too until he died and then asks Funtzel if he knows what he means. Funtzel gets up and closes the door and tells Obb he doesn’t know if he can do that. He would be making Orksa a widow twice in the same month. Obb says he would be doing her a favor, as she can do better than Deadpool and all the other losers she ends up marrying. She’s unique, beautiful, funny and kind and she deserves to be with someone who knows that. Funtzel looks at Obb and says he really loves her. Obb dryly tells him to let him make a few calls, as he thinks he can solve both their problems.
Elsewhere, the Exto Clan member who ran away from Deadpool is in a bar taking to another alien. The other alien doesn’t seem to believe what the Exto member is telling him. He says not to laugh as he wasn’t just one man; he was like a violent, stupid force of nature. A little way off, the surviving members of the Ongulian fleet are sat at a table. The bartender shouts out if there is a Kak in there and Kak raises his hand. The bartender holds up a phone and tells Kak he has a call. Kak picks up the receiver and the voice on the other end reminds him about the job they passed on a few months back. The voice, belonging to Obb, says that they have reconsidered. Kak asks if Macho Gomez has changed his mind. Obb says Macho is out and they have a new guy named Deadpool. Kak looks at the table with the Exto member and says he has heard of this man.
Back at Funtzel’s, Obb goes to see Deadpool. Orksa answers the door in nothing but a bikini. Obb doesn’t know where to look and nervously asks if Deadpool is around. Deadpool, wearing nothing but a bikini and his mask, asks him what’s up. Obb tells him there is someone who wants to see him. Deadpool asks what it’s about and Obb says it’s about a job.
As they walk to the meeting, Obb asks if Deadpool is going to change his clothing. Realizing he is still wearing the bikini, Deadpool tells him it’s a good idea as first impressions are everything. A little while later, he meets with Kak and the other Ongulians. They seem a little taken aback by him. Deadpool stands before them, still wearing the bikini but now he has numerous belts and weapons strapped to him. Kak introduces themselves as the last remaining members of the Ongulian race and they are prepared to pay an exorbitant sum. Deadpool says he likes it already as they hand him a tablet-like device. Deadpool looks at it and it contains a picture of the planet-like entity that destroyed the Ongulian home world. Kak says they want Deadpool to aid in the destruction of the intergalactic entity known as Id the Selfish Moon.
Obb informs Deadpool the job is too dangerous and it’s almost impossible. Funtzel adds that if he does it he does it alone. Deadpool inspects the data and asks Kak if he wants him to kill a planet. Kak corrects him and says it’s a moon. Deadpool says he wants him to kill a planet and tries to get Kak to say it. Kak tells Deadpool that he wants him to kill a planet. Deadpool picks Kak up and hugs him with glee.