Deadpool (3rd series) #5

Issue Date: 
February 2009
Story Title: 
Horror Business (Part 2): Raw Deal

Daniel Way (writer), Carlo Barberi (penciler), Juan Vlasco & Sandu Florea (inkers), Marte Gracia & Raúl Treviño (colorists), VC’s Cory Petit (letterer), Jason Pearson (cover artist), Paul Acerios (production), Jody Leheup (assistant editor), Axel Alonso (Editor), Joe Quesada (Editor-in-chief), Dan Buckley (Publisher).

Brief Description: 

Deadpool has been captured and locked up in stocks. Zeke’s wife explains that Zeke couldn’t pay for her procedure as he was broke. Dr. Lovosno enters and tells him that Zeke offered his wife to the doctor but then changed him mind and offered him Deadpool instead. The doctor says he wants to use Deadpool to feed his patients. The nurses begin to eat Deadpool but soon spit him out, as he tastes bad. After realizing that the Weapon X experiments have made Deadpool unusable for food, he orders Deadpool to be killed. However, Deadpool makes the doctor a deal and tells him he can get hundreds of humans that no-one will miss. Sometime later, Deadpool has Zeke’s wife and meets with Zeke, but Zeke hasn’t brought any money, having instead bought armed guards. Suddenly, the men realize they are surrounded by zombies, who tear into the armed men and start eating them. Dr. Lovosno himself captures and gags Zeke to eat him later. His part fulfilled, Deadpool departs but then blows up the castle, which he had previously set up with plastic explosives, killing everyone within. Afterwards, Deadpool is sitting in the cargo hold of a ship sailing home when the hull is suddenly ripped open. As the hold is flooded, Tigershark swims through the opening towards Deadpool.

Full Summary: 

(12 Hours Ago)

A dazed Deadpool wakes up to the sound of a zip being undone. A beautiful blond woman stands in front of him, holding the trousers of his costume. She smiles as she says “You won’t be needing these…” to which Deadpool yells “Safeword!!” repeatedly.

Deadpool has his hands and head locked in an old-fashioned wooden stock torture device. Hooks attached to chains hang from the ceiling and a furnace blazes nearby with pokers resting in it. Deadpool’s katana and pouches lie to one side in a pile on some steps. When she becomes confused by Deadpool’s response, he tells her that he isn’t into that kind of stuff and guesses that she is Zeke’s wife. When she confirms this, he tells her he was sent by Zeke to save her. He begins to ask her to release him but she interrupts him by asking if “that’s what Zeke told him?”

She goes on to tell Deadpool he was sent here as payment for service rendered and that results like this don’t come cheap. She tells Deadpool that Zeke is broke and, when he asks about Zeke’s large house and gun supply, she tells him that it was all bought on her credit. After hearing this, Deadpool realizes that Dr. Lovosno only accepts cash, to which Zeke’s wife again confirms.

Just then, Dr. Lovosno enters the room. Wearing a smart suit and sporting dark, slicked back hair, he continues to explain the situation. He tells Deadpool that Colonel Zeke was unable to pay for the procedure that his wife desperately wanted as it was incredibly expensive… because it is illegal. He says that under normal circumstances he would have refused to perform the operation but because Zeke’s wife so beautiful he found himself making her a proposal. He walks over to her and puts his arm around her and she says that they have an arrangement.

Becoming slightly irritated, Deadpool asks what it has to do with him. Whilst embracing Zeke’s wife, Dr. Lovosno says it has nothing to do with him but Zeke didn’t approve of the arrangement the doctor had come up with and he would rather pay for the procedure with a trade instead of cash. Becoming alarmed, Deadpool tells him that if he is thinking of using his DNA in any experiments then he should ask the Skrulls.

The doctor tells him it’s nothing like that and then points out that Deadpool may have noticed that the local police have become aware of the special needs of his patients. When Deadpool says he had noticed, the doctor walks up to him and explains that his patients are of high stature and they value their privacy. That’s why when he heard about Deadpool’s unique regenerative characteristics he readily accepted Zeke’s offer. Still confused, Deadpool says he has no idea what the doctor means. However, before he finishes, the doctor interjects and tells him that he is going to feed him to his patients… forever.

With that, some of his nurses appear behind him, all sporting gaunt faces and green skin. One of Deadpool’s inner voices asks if they won’t be getting paid again, to which the other voice points out that Zeke has screwed them over. An angry Deadpool airs his inner voice and asks if Zeke has screwed him over. The doctor asks him if this surprises him and tells Deadpool that Zeke is the ultimate dirt bag. As the zombified nurses advance on him, Deadpool begs them to wait and points out that he is going to find a way out of this. When the doctor tells him he doesn’t see how, Deadpool calmly replies “I do.”


A stunned Zeke, dressed in a black turtleneck sweater and hat, is amazed that Deadpool actually did it. Deadpool, holding Zeke’s bound and gagged wife, tells him it was no thanks to him. Zeke nervously agrees and tells Deadpool “no hard feelings right?” Deadpool replies that there wouldn’t be if he had the money, but he doesn’t.

Zeke asks what made him think that and of course he has the money. Not believing him, Deadpool looks at Zeke and the three dozen armed men standing behind him and asks if the guns are full of money. Realizing the game is up, he tells Deadpool he doesn’t have the money but he does have a lot of armed men and that he should do himself a favor and hand over his wife. With that, the men arm their guns to try and intimidate Deadpool. Thinking about it for a second, he tells Zeke he is not handing over his one bargaining chip. With that, he grabs Zeke’s wife and positions her in front of himself to act as a human shield. Zeke mutters under his breath it’s more like a zombie shield and then reassures his wife that the men won’t aim for the head.

Suddenly, a voice comes from behind Zeke shouting for him to drop his weapon and that he is surrounded. One of Zeke’s men, with a very worried look on his face, points out that that they aren’t kidding. They see Dr. Lovosno and dozens of his zombified nurses and patients surround the armed men from all areas of the castle. A stunned Zeke asks if this is really happening, to which Deadpool tells him “Welcome to my world Zeke.”

(twelve hours earlier)

Still in the stocks, Deadpool screams as the zombie nurses bite chunks of flesh out of him. They chew the meat for a few seconds before they suddenly stop and spit it out on the floor. One of the nurses tells Zeke that Deadpool tastes terrible and, when he pushes for a better answer, she says he tastes artificial. She says he tastes like rotten tofurkey that’s been marinated in formaldehyde. A slightly offended Deadpool asks that it’s not that bad is it?

The nurse suddenly vomits and tells Zeke that they aren’t eating whatever that is, as she points to Deadpool. Zeke picks up a bit of Deadpool’s flesh and sniffs it but reels away from it disgusted by the smell. He throws the flesh on the floor and starts to walk away, telling Deadpool that whatever procedure his body has been subjected to has ruined him as a source of sustenance. One of the voices in Deadpool’s head thanks Weapon X.

As he walks out the room, Dr. Lovosno mutters what an utter waste of time that was and orders the haggard old woman from the village to have that thing incinerated. The voices in Deadpool’s head whispers something to him and Deadpool yells out for Dr. Lovosno to wait. Taking cues from his voices, he offers a proposal to the doctor. Provided that he is let go, he asks the doctor what if he can get hundreds of minimally processed free range human bodies that no-one will miss, within twelve hours. The doctor says he is interested and Deadpool replies that there is more as well… what if one of the bodies belonged to Zeke?


The zombified patients leap down from the castle walls and start attacking and eating the armed men. Crouching on the floor and with his toupee missing and blood running down his head, Zeke pleads with his wife to save him. Dr. Lovosno says that they should save him… for dessert… at which point both he and Zeke’s wife start laughing.

Amongst the chaos of the fight, Deadpool calmly stands and tells a now bound and gagged Zeke that he had it coming. As he walks through the castle gates, one of his inner voices congratulates him on another feat of mercenary-ism that he won’t be getting paid for and that they are going home empty handed. He tells the voice to tell him about it, as he doesn’t even have a chair to sit on.

Many miles away, Deadpool’s apartment is lacking a certain chair created from plastic explosives.

(eleven hours and 56 minutes ago)

A now free Deadpool stretches and tells Dr. Lovosno that he needs to take off for a bit to make some preparations. He then tells him that he had a bag with him, at which point the haggard old woman brings his duffle, which he tells her he is going to need.

(seven hours ago)

After Deadpool finishes attaching the plastic explosives to the walls of the castle, he rings Zeke. He tells her he has his wife and asks why he sounds so surprised. He tells him to meet him at an abandoned castle southwest of the village Zeke sent him to. After he hangs up the phone, he muses that, if Zeke was surprised now, then he ain’t seen nothing yet.


Deadpool sings a song and hits a detonation button that causes the entire castle to explode in a huge fireball. As debris and body part rain down, a withered voice comes from behind, Deadpool telling him he has betrayed them all. He looks down to see the burnt head of Dr. Lovosno, who repeats that Deadpool has betrayed them all. Standing over him, Deadpool coldly replies “Duh,” as he boots the head into the flames coming from the castle.

(two days later)

On a large freighter, one of Deadpool’s voices simply comments “this sucks.” When Deadpool tells it to quit its belly-aching, the other voice chirps up and repeats what the first voice said. Shivering in the cargo hold, he comments how his butt-cheeks just froze together. He stands up and hugs his body and says that it can’t get any worse. At that moment, a huge ripping noise is heard and water gushes into the hold, knocking Deadpool off his feet. Now submerged underwater, Deadpool cannot see Tigershark, who swims towards him through the hole in the hull.

Characters Involved: 


Dr. Druek Lovosno

Zeke’s wife

Haggard old woman

Numerous zombified nurses and patients

Colonel Zeke

Numerous armed men belonging to Zeke


Story Notes: 

Deadpool was sent to Eastern Europe to rescue Zeke’s zombie wife and kill the surgeon, Dr. Lovosno, responsible for making her that way. However, he was drugged and captured by the surgeon in Deadpool (3rd series) #4.

When Deadpool tells Dr. Lovosno to “ask the Skrulls,” he is talking about his recent mission in which he pretended to side with the invading aliens. The Skrulls used his DNA in a new batch of super-Skrulls that subsequently mutated and died, due to Deadpool’s cancer. [Deadpool (3rd Series) #1-3]

“B-b-b-baby, you just ain’t seen n-n-n-nothin’ yet!” are lyrics from You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet which is a song by Bachman Turner Overdrive.

“Tofurkey” is a tofu-composed meat substitute specifically designed to resemble turkey.

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