In a park one day, while ordinary citizens go about their lives, half a dozen pre-teen kids are enthusiastically exclaiming over Kidpool’s martial arts moves. “That’s gotta be the coolest thing I’ve ever seen!” says one. “Oh, yeah? Well, check this out!” replies Kidpool, “The Iron Tree Frog Stance… I used this one once while I was surrounded by these Super-Skrulls!” By his side sits Dogpool, scratching himself fiercely. Kidpool strikes another pose and continues, “And this one’s called the … err… the Stalking Mantis! Had to break this move out on Galactus this one time. Done properly, there is no de…”
“What’s wrong with your dog? He sure is scratching a lot!” one of the kids interrupts. “Oh, he’s fine… we just tussled with some mutant space fleas, and his healing factor hasn’t taken care of all the bites yet.” Kidpool attempts to continue “Now, let me show you exactly how I put the smackdown on Sabretooth when he started causing static…“ “Guys! Guy! Check this out!” Another kid comes running up with a huge box full of toy robots. “Look at all these awesome robots!. “Cooooool!” The kids quickly gather around the newcomer. “My uncle’s working in Japan right now, and he sent these to me for my birthday!” “Is that a Mecha-devil X? That’s totally limited edition!” one kid exclaims. “Robots are so much cooler than martial arts moves!”
Their attention now completely on the toys, all the kids rush off leaving Kidpool and Dogpool behind. “You know what else is limited edition? Awesome moves like this! The Unwavering Orangutan!” Kidpool tries – and fails – to regain their attention. Kidpool sits and sulks, “I’d like to show him what he can do with those toys! Robots are for babies, anyway… Unless…” Dogpool scratches so hard he falls over. Kidpool has a brainstorm, “C’mon Dogpool! We’ve got work to do!” “Grrrf?” is the only response.
Kidpool and Dogpool break into an undisclosed Prohibited Area, beating up the guards and sneaking around as they search for something. “All right, stay frosty! I had to dish out a lot of punishment to get our informant to sing on this one… it better be worth the trouble!” Kidpool says as he gets to work picking a door lock. Dogpool’s only response is to growl and urinate on a bound guard. Getting the door open and peering inside Kidpool can only say with awe, “Oh… it was so worth it!”
The next morning…
Kidpool is in the cockpit of whatever he found. “Let’s see… stabilisers… stealth cloaking… weapon systems… seems pretty standard to me. And everybody says video games are good for nothing!” he says as he fiddles with the buttons and pulls on the joystick. “If this doesn’t get me some hits on YouTube, nothing will!” Dogpool sits behind him eyeing up his own tail “Growf!” CHOMP!
Meanwhile the other kids are back in the park, playing with the toy robots and shouting back and forth. “This one’s got spring-loaded missiles!” “That’s nothing! This one can separate into five different vehicles!” One kid glances up into the sky. “Uh…guys?”
A shadow falls over them all as they stare intently upwards.
“YOU GUYS LIKE APPLES” Booms a voice from above as they all go slack jawed. “WELL, HOW D’YOU LIKE THESE APPLES! LEMME INTRODUCE YOU MUGS TO JET FALCHION! THAT’S “JET” AS IN FAST AND SLEEK AND “FALCHION,” WHICH IS… I DUNNO… FRENCH OR SOMETHING!” Kidpool shouts through the mechanical speakers.
Before them stands a very large Gundam-esque, humanoid robot with the Deadpool symbol painted sloppily on its chest. Kidpool has positioned the robot with the head right in front of the sun for maximum effect. Inside the cockpit, Kidpool is feeling very pleased with himself. “Either way… you guys like cool robots… and I’m in control of the coolest of them all!”
GRRRMM! The robot starts striking poses as Kidpool says “LEMME SHOW YOU WHAT THIS BAD-BOY CAN DO!” GGRRM! Another pose. “AND ONE OF YOU GUYS GET A VIDEO OF THIS, OKAY?” The robot leaps into the air to rapturous praise… “Sweet!” “Woo-hoo!” “Giant robots are so much cooler than toy robots!” … before landing on the collection of toy robots abandoned on the grass, crushing them completely.
Suddenly, two fighter planes fly past the Jet Falchion, very closely.
“ATTENTION!” a voice shouts out. Kidpool sits in the cockpit looking, “Who said that? I thought we were leaving the inner voices out of this story!”
Outside, an angry mustachioed man shouts into a radio. “To the terrorists who have hijacked United States super-robot designated Jet Falchion! This is General Conrad Davenport of the United States Army! I’m hereby ordering you to cease and desist your current plan of action and surrender the robot to me immediately!” The army have arrived, and they are heavily armed and they are angry. “I am authorized to use catastrophic force if you do not comply!” Jets, tanks and infantry surround the robot which puts its hands up. “Billions of tax-payers dollars be damned! I’ll blast that robot into scrap and drag whatever’s left of your charred, mutilated carcass out of the wreckage to stand trial for treason!” General Davenport continues.
Inside the robot, Kidpool is panicking, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Waita-minute! I’m no terrorist! I’m just a kid! I’m just going on a little joy ride!” The noise starts to distress Dogpool “Grrfff! Rrf! Rrf! Grrf!” as he runs around. Kidpool frantically scans the controls, “Just let me find the “Off” switch and we can just go our separate ways…” “Grrraaff!” Dogpool runs into the back of Kidpool’s command chair, sending him sprawling all over the controls with an Oof!
Jet Falchion fires its right fist smashing through concrete. “Sweet mother…” Davenport is stunned, but only for a second, before screaming his troops into action, “We have a rampage event! I repeat, we have a rampage event! I’m not going to have another one of these death machines going berserk on my watch! All units! Attack! Bring that behemoth down!” The jets start firing missiles on the robot. It evades some but takes one square on the right shoulder.
Inside the cockpit, Kidpool scans his controls furiously, “Aw, man! C’mon! How do I shut this thing –“ He is interrupted by the onboard computer “ATTACK DETECTED. SURVIVAL SEQUENCE INITIATED.” At this, Kidpool despairs. “Survival sequence? I bet that’s not good. But... but…” The robot starts returning fire, its missiles also painted with a Deadpool and crossbones. “This isn’t my fault!”
Kidpool and General Davenport come to the same conclusion at the same time, “It’s out of control!” Civilians flee as the Jet Falchion fires its laser eyebeams towards the ground, while military jets and helicopters return fire and are felled themselves. “ENGAGE RAGING FALCHION!” the mech states as it pulls out a glowing sword. “Raging Falchion!? If this robot starts slicing and dicing with some sort of flaming French Ginsu, I just know someone’s gonna try to find a way to pin this on me! Only one thing to do!” Kidpool says as he reaches for a large red button marked “Danger.” “CONTROL MODULE DISENGAGED.” Kidpool has triggered the escape procedures and he and Dogpool are safely blasted clear of the melee in the control module. “See ya, suckers!”
The army has found the crashed and abandoned control module on a nearby beach. “Jet Falchion stopped its attack as soon as the control module jettisoned, but I want the person responsible found and brought to justice. We’re dealing with a dangerous mind here! We don’t want someone like this free and wandering the streets!”
Kidpool is free and wandering the streets, “That’s it, Dogpool! I’m done with mischief and mayhem! I mean, if other kids don’t like me for who I am, that’s their problem!” Dogpool voices his agreement “Rraff!”
Kidpool hears something and motions Dogpool to sidle up to the wall so they can listen, “Hey… hold on a second…” A voice carries from around the corner “This is awesome!” Kidpool peers around; it’s the neighborhood kids from before standing around a new arrival. “A pet iguana! That’s the best!” “Lizards are so much cooler than robots!” While the tail of a helicopter sticks out of a smoking hole in a nearby building, Kidpool spins around and exclaims, “Lizards, huh? C’mon Dogpool! Next stop… the Savage Land!”
The West Village, New York. Lady Deadpool is slouched onto a table, drinking whiskey and cough syrup, while trying to convince Headpool to kill himself. “The way I see it, it’s the Sword of Damocles, what we do, man, but you, you’re dead weight. You’re an upturned vase with ears. You can’t fight.” Headpool bounces over to her, challenging her to try to kill him with his usual charm. Lady Deadpool picks up her knife and begins describing how she would ensure he stays dead, before coming to the realization that Headpool can’t kill himself, as he has no thumbs. Headpool responds to this by claiming to be the love of her life.
“Ahem,” a third party interrupts, drawing their attention. It is a professionally dressed woman in her thirties and Lady Deadpool and Headpool are not in some dive bar but are instead in an office - her office. She asks the two of them why they think they are there. While Headpool claims to have no idea, Lady Deadpool ignores her and instead engages in a conversation with the voices in her head, claiming to herself to be far more attractive than the woman is.
(flashback, the previous week)
Outside a large office block, lit with floodlights, where a “super-sensitive, high-risk mission” is taking place. Lady Deadpool is berating Headpool for claiming that, as the only woman in Deadpool Corps, she is therefore the lowest in the group pecking order. She points out that, as he is only a head, he has no identifiable gender anyway. Over the radio a voice calls for aid from Wanda, before it is cut off as the entire building explodes.
The woman reads from her notes, stating that Deadpool is deeply concerned and ,that unless the two of them resolve their issues, they will be kicked out of Deadpool Corps. Asking them how this makes them feel, the therapist looks up to see Headpool coaching Lady Deadpool on blowing a bubble with some gum and simultaneously filling it with the whiskey. The therapist then lay out her theory for the hostility between the two. “Have you considered that the friction between you is simply sexual tension?” The bubble bursts. Lady Deadpool reacts, grabbing her knife again and holding it to Headpool’s temple and shouting, “Did you put her up to this?” Headpool denies this, telling her to face up to the fact that she is infatuated with him.
Flashback to a jungle, Lady Deadpool is in green camo gear and aiming a rocket launcher right at Headpool as he argues with her. “I dare you! Do it! You’re Cuhraaaazy if you think they’d be as scrumptious 365 days a year. The Girl Scouts have to withhold, it’s Keynesian economics! Why are you so dumb?!”
Another flashback, another argument, this time Lady Deadpool is scaling the side of a building with a rope, wearing ninja gear while Headpool sits in a pouch on her utility belt. This time she is lecturing him “Screw the last tour… Mr. Armstrong is the most best specimen of virile fortitude and holistic amazingness known to nad cancer…” She then sticks her club into his mouth to stop him replying and states it is time for him to get out i.e. she’s going to drop him.
Back in the therapist’s office, Lady Deadpool claims to have no idea what she’s talking about, but after Headpool calls her a liar she admits there was this one time…
Deadpool Corps are at a very fancy bar, the men are in tuxedos and the women (including Lady Deadpool) are in ballgowns. Deadpool and Kidpool are passed out drunk on the floor, while Headpool sits in a top hat on the bar counter, talking with Lady Deadpool sitting listening attentively. “Look, I know I’m not puuuuuuurfeck. My left ear hangs lower than my right, right? But I’m a great judge of character… I just want a complicate woman with a smokin’ bod… I’m damaged. I know I’m crazy, everyone is. And that’s okay. At least it is by me.” His words resonate with Lady Deadpool, who, realizing this, quickly makes for the bathroom.
In the bathroom, Lady Deadpool dunks her head into a sink full of water, while the other women look on with disgust. Lady Deadpool looks at herself in the mirror, pulls out her knife and begins trying to threaten herself from thinking the thought that had popped into her head. Her inner voices, however, are keen to discuss this notion, one desiring to keep Headpool calling him special, and the other repulsed by the very idea. Lady Deadpool begins voicing a pro/con list, while her inner voices mock her. As a response, she sticks herself in the leg with her knife and then hassles the toilet attendant.
The following morning, Lady Deadpool wakes up in bed, dressed in a unicorn costume and surrounded by a birthday cake, tacos, a whip and a saddle. Feeling warmth next her, Lady Deadpool begins to panic as to who it might be. Peering under the covers reveals “a completely random petri dish of crackhead” she’s never met and leads to a triumphant solo dance party. Her sensible inner voice recommends that she goes to the sexual health clinic to get checked out instead.
Back in the therapist’s office, Lady Deadpool has been cutting herself while recounting this anecdote, drawing a rocket ship in her forearm and ends by saying “The fancy was fleeting. I know Headpool and I have a complicated relationship…” Headpool interrupts “Don’t deny it, lover. We’re besotted all up in each other. I just want a respectable but fair dowry… And the understanding that, of course, I will be engaging in extramarital loin wrangling with the option of taking on an additional younger bride should the mood strike and many mistresses.”
Following his train of thought Headpool turns to the therapist and bounces over “I’m looking to diversify immediately, if you’re picking up what I’m putting down.” The therapist is not keen on this idea, pushing him away from her. Lady Deadpool, however, is warming to it. “Not a bad idea. It could work if it was a polygamous situation. Variety spice… I could use the female companionship. We could talk. Undermine each other. Exfoliate and foliate. Ooooh, we could go to yoga and watch romcoms… Just love a romcom.”
The therapist tries to change the conversation, claiming the session is coming to an end. Headpool persists, only to be rebuffed more vehemently by the therapist, who has had enough of the pair of them. Neither Headpool nor Lady Deadpool take kindly to this rejection. Lady Deadpool draws her sword from behind her back, while the therapist tries to calm them both down, but also drawing a gun out from under her desk. The therapist snaps, screaming “Sit down now! I’ve been listening to you bitch and moan while you bleed all over my things… you’re so crazy… so revolting! You’ll never learn. There are never any real consequences to your selfish actions for you and your kind.”
Headpool decides this outburst is due to hormones and dismisses the therapists rant as she continues to insult them, until she insults Deadpool and all his parallel universe versions. Headpool defends his “family,” causing Lady Deadpool to call him cute. Picking him up, the two engage in a gross deep kiss. With tongue. Lady Deadpool and the therapist immediately vomit and Headpool gets tossed into the air. Lady Deadpool turns to the therapist and blames her for the kiss, for allowing it to happen and for the resulting hours of intense therapy she’ll require as a result. Lady Deadpool pulls out her sword and advances on the now crying therapist.
Lady Deadpool emerges from the building, carrying and arguing with Headpool once again. Her sword is covered with blood, and a scrap of the therapist’s shirt is stuck to the end of it. Deadpool, Dogpool and Kidpool are lounging on top of a car and ask how it went. “Great” they both reply. “We’re fixed. Can we go get smoothies?” asks Lady Deadpool, as she uses the scrap of shirt to wipe away the blood from her sword. “Sure, we were just waiting on you two,” comes the reply. As the fivesome walk away, Lady Deadpool asks Wade if they all think she’s the lowest on the totem pole because she’s a girl. “Totally. Oh, and you’re paying, sucka!
In Avengers Tower, Deadpool is being questioned by Captain America and Hawkeye about a recent mishap he had with an employee of the U.N., whom he confused with a cab driver.
Over in the corner of the room, Dogpool relieves himself on a decorative plant pot, unknowingly urinating on Ant-Man. An irate Scott Lang jumps out to confront Dogpool, stating that he was only hiding in the plant pot to avoid any responsibility, before discovering that his suit controls have been shorted out. Dogpool, however, grabs a knife and fork, as he sees his next meal. Ant-Man flees into the kitchen, shouting that Dogpool can’t eat him as he is an Avenger! Sort of. Further adding that he wants to die in bed with Vanessa Hudgens.
Cornered, he calls out for aid and is saved by a white blur that slams Dogpool into the kitchen cabinets. Sitting in front of Dogpool is a large, white purebred dog wearing a yellow cape. It’s Sunny, the Sentry Dog! Thanking Bendis, Ant-Man expositions his origin as the Sentry’s noble and heroic childhood pet who gained the powers of “1,000 exploding dog stars.”
Dogpool pops himself back into shape and hurls a drawer of knives at Sunny that effortlessly bounce off him, before hitting him in the face with a frying pan hard enough to dent the pan, although the only damage is to Dogpool’s teeth. Sunny punches Dogpool, launching him out of Avengers Tower and out to sea before giving chase. Soaring over Switzerland, Dogpool has an idea, conjures an anchor and crashes down into the CERN research facility in Geneva, swiftly followed by Sunny. As they lie dazed in the Hadron Collider, two researches exclaim in amazement over the dogs wearing costumes that just crashed through the roof. While one wishes to quickly remove them from the machine, the other wants to watch to see what happens and rebuts that other’s claim that it is dangerous and irresponsible by stating that “Zat is science!”
As they are debating, Dogpool slinks away and locks Sunny into the Hadron Collider before changing the settings dial from “Big Bang” to “???” and a picture of an explosion. Starting up the machine, an explosion indeed occurs and, in the aftermath, Sunny has been reduced to a puppy. Leering over him, Dogpool is suddenly tapped on the shoulder. Turning around, he is confronted by a huge, black mongrel of a dog. Introducing himself as Void Mutt, he thanks Dogpool for freeing him from inside Sunny and, as a thank you, promises him a slightly less excruciating death. Dogpool gulps as the picture shrinks into a circle behind a shutter. “That’s All Folks!”
Deadpool is wandering in the rain, reflecting on the recent changes to New York. Now that the mayor has run out all the lowlifes and strip clubs, he no longer feels comfortable here; the city has lost its edge. Perhaps he should dress in a mouse suit and dance around on Broadway with the costumed street performers – nah, a shotgun blast to the face would be preferable.
The last few days haven’t been easy. His apartment blew up along with everything he owns. All he has left are a few trusty weapons and $200 or so. And his life. There are those he could ask for help, but panhandling has never been his style. Deadpool walks into a hardware store and buys a shovel and a pair of construction gloves. He’s still wearing his mask, but in New York no one cares. Hailing a cab, he directs it to Fort Lee, New Jersey over the George Washington Bridge. With the rain and the traffic, the journey will take a while and Deadpool’s thoughts drift back three years. Back to Sandee.
Flashback to three years ago in Wildwood at the Jersey Shore. It was Summer time and three thieves had made off with 4 million dollars from one of “The Donald’s” casinos. A big reward had been placed on their heads and Deadpool meant to claim it. It didn’t take long for him to get a tip on some guy throwing around a lot of crisp hundred dollar bills at a cheap strip joint called “The Crab Shack.” He later found out this amateur’s name was Jack Krush, a small-time thief in way over his head, but that doesn’t really matter. Their fight tumbled out of the bar and onto the boardwalk, and poor old Jack found himself flat on his back on the rollercoaster tracks, before finding himself in thirds. While onlookers screamed and vomited, Deadpool checked the trouser pockets on the bottom third. Finding only a bunch of $100s, he moved on to check the midsection and found in his shirt pocket a motel room key.
Scoping out the hotel, he found the remaining two baddies holed up in a room on the second floor with a young girl, maybe 15, who didn’t look like she wanted to be there. This is Sandee. Deadpool wanted to charge in guns blazing, but he knew that wouldn’t be a good idea so he had to get creative. Thirty minutes later, he was standing at their door with a pizza, his visage now disguised to that of a pizza delivery boy, who was happy to make a few extra bucks to scram. The crooks didn’t order a pizza but crime makes you hungry, this Deadpool knew, and they opened the door to take it. Deadpool clipped the shooting arm of the first goon but the second reacted fast and grabs Sandee to use as a shield.
Unfortunate but not unexpected. However, what happened next, he never would have expected in a million years. Sandee called out “Mom” and a gun is jabbed into his back! Now he’s the bad guy, imagine that! The mother shot him and he went down hard, and things kept getting worse. The standing robber panicked and started shooting, killing not only Sandee’s mother but his colleague as well as he struggled back to his feet. At this, the guy froze, giving Sandee the opportunity to rake his face with her nails and he panicked, charging forward towards the front door. He tripped over Deadpool, thug #1 and the mother in the process and his momentum carried him over the balcony to land face-first on the car below.
With Sandee’s help, Deadpool was able to grab the remaining money and get downstairs to her car. She drove him down to Cape May, and another motel and had him bandaged up before he regained consciousness. In so doing, she turned off his image inducer and, to his surprise, hadn’t freaked out. Tough girl. They spoke, or rather Deadpool spoke and she listened as he told her his life story, how he became a mercenary, the cancer, Dr. Killbrew’s experiments, his healing factor, all of it. He hoped it would help her, that if he could make it through all that she could make it through this. She didn’t say a word, but she smiled and his heart melted.
That’s when they heard it, right outside the room. The final robber was back, the fall hadn’t killed him and Deadpool hadn’t checked. He smashed in through the window and grabbed Deadpool, gun against his head before he started screaming at Sandee! “See what you did to your father?! Now your boyfriend’s gonna die!!” Her father! No wonder she was so screwed up. Sandee pleaded that it was a mistake, that she loved him and was just scared and asked her chance to prove it. Her father was won over, and passed her his gun. Sandee pointed it at Deadpool and winked. One shot, and this time daddy stays down. She collapsed in a heap and Deadpool resolved to help her.
Deadpool checked the bag and counted; he was around a million short. Putting two and two together he realized it was an inside job, an insurance scam by the casino to claim more was taken than actually was and be reimbursed accordingly. The robbers were never meant to be caught. Deadpool tipped off the insurance agency handling the case and they arrested the perpetrator at the casino. As a reward, Deadpool decided to keep the cash himself. For expenses.
Deadpool drove north to a psychiatric center. Highly regarded, he considered checking himself in for a year or seven but instead he left Sandee with the nuns in charge, paid for her care and left his phone number as her emergency contact. Sandee was so shell-shocked she didn’t even realize where she was. Deadpool hoped the change would set her on a new course, a new name, new home and new outlook on life. Instead, a week later, he gets a phone call. Sandee took her own life. Deadpool was her only next of kin. He took care of the details, made sure she had a proper place to rest. He left the rest of the money with her. It had too much blood and bad vibes connected to it now.
In the present day, Deadpool has arrived at his destination, a cemetery. He’s in a tough spot and has to do it. Sandee wouldn’t miss it, she would understand. He won’t let her down, they were family. Deadpool approaches a grave. “Sandee Wade 1983 – 2000.”