A gang of men waving money surround two praying mantises as they fight to the death. Just as one mantis is decapitated and declared the winner, a foot comes down and squashes it with a CRUNCH. “Ugh. Disgusting…” an elderly Chinese man remarks as he looks down at the bottom of his shoe. The owner of the mantis approaches the man, swearing, shouting and asking who he thinks he is to kill his mantis. “WHO AM I? WHO AM I? I AM WOO PING YEUN!” the elderly man shouts back, which causes the owner of the mantis to back away with a gulp.
(Two Days Ago)
An old man in a wheelchair and breathing through an oxygen nasal cannula sits in front of an open fire. “You come highly recommended Mr. Wilson,” he remarks to Deadpool, who stands a short distance behind. The man then goes on to agree to Deadpool’s fee of one million dollars because he feels a man should get paid what he’s worth. But he warns Wade that his generosity should not be taken as a sign of weakness just because he is in a wheelchair.
The man explains he took many risks when he was young, including taking opiates and running in bull races at the same time. This caused him to lose the use of both legs, lose both testes and now he pees through a tube. “But I survived,” the man says. He then makes it clear to Deadpool that he wants him to give it 110% on his assignment. Deadpool agrees whilst picturing the old man as the Monopoly game’s Uncle Pennybags, complete with top hat and monocle, but wearing a T-shirt tabled “sucker.”
The man further explains that, despite his injuries, fertility doctors were able salvage some sperm and a “miracle boy,” Julian, was born. Julian had the best toys, the best schools and he had anything a boy could want. Unfortunately, spoiled lazy boys become spoiled lazy men and he created a monster. When the man presents him with a photo of Julian, Deadpool asks if he is an actor. “Yes. Acting,” the old man confirms. “The only profession one can claim without actually doing it.”
The man goes on, telling Deadpool how Julian’s acting jobs dried up to which the actor blamed reality TV for. Julian hated reality shows but eventually the old man stopped enabling his son to try and get him to grow up. “It was time to get off the teat.” The man hasn’t seen his son in a year but he heard word from a fellow actor that Julian was going to audition for a seedy Japanese reality game show. “The very thing he loathed.”
“Pain Factor?!” Deadpool remarks, looking at promotional photo. “It’s like UFC meets Survivor. Half the competitors are maimed. The other half are never seen again.” The man asks Deadpool to find out what happened to his son. And, if something bad happened, to make sure to punish whoever is responsible. To this, Deadpool informs Mr. Kilgore that these game shows are buried so deep underground you have to dig past China to find them. How does he propose he find them?. “With this,” Mr. Kilgore replies pulling out a mask from a draw. “A mask! Hey that’s…”
The owner of the mantis is now unconscious on the floor as “Woo Ping Yeun: father of the flying guillotine, renowned master of the patented serpent strike death touch” stands over him.
Mr. Kilgore explains that the real Woo Ping Yeun is a renowned gambler who has gambled away a chain of successful children’s dojos worth tens of millions and now is in debt. Yeun was willing to lay low while his identity was used for this operation. Everyone knew Grand Master Yeun was broke, he explains. They just made it clear he was interested in making some money, fast. “And lo and behold we got a bite.”
Mr. Kilgore tells Deadpool that he will be traveling to international waters to a remote island where the game show is taped. The owner of the show lives on the self-sufficient island and, once Deadpool sets foot on there, Mr. Kilgore will be powerless to help if something goes wrong.
Wade summaries his operation to Mr. Kilfore: “You want me to travel to an impenetrable remote island, compete in an illegal winner-takes-all game show where the contestants fight for their lives for a cash prize, and all of this is to find out what happened to your spoiled-rotten, failed actor son?”
“Uh…yes” the man replies.
“Mr. Kilgore I’m good with that.”
Deadpool, now disguised as Woo Ping Yeun, is being shown to his room on the island by a female assistant. She makes sure “Yeun” is comfy and proceeds to warn him that guests shouldn’t leave their rooms at night because of wild animals. Deadpool asks the when he will meet the host of the show. “Tomorrow at the games. Again if there is ANYTHING you need…” she replies, caressing his face. “They call me Poo-en,” she says as she leaves.
Alone in his room “Yeun” takes out his sai and leaves to roam the island dressed as Deadpool. Unbeknown to him, he is being watched on CCTV by a man in a suit and a large muscular man. “Well, well. The guest of honor,. the man in the suit remarks. “This is pure ratings gold.”
BONG!!!! A Japanese man hits a larger metal cymbal as the host of the shows comes to greet all the contestants at breakfast. He welcomes them to the island then proceeds to psyche the contestants up. “As you know most of you will not return – at least not in the same way you came. And for one man who does make it out – he will have something no man can take away! He will have the admiration of millions.”
“ADMIRATION!” the contestants cheer.
“Not to mention a million dollars and a year’s supply of Cialis! Get your mojo going,” the host continues.
“MOJO,” the contestants cheer.
“So. Let’s get this party started,” the host goes on. “PAIN FACTOR!™ The show banned in every country except Bangladesh! And they’re working on it. I’m Gene Dell’abate – your host – and this is the fourteenth installment of the world’s most nefarious game show.”
Gene introduces the nine contestants vying for the one million dollars. Klaus Van Der Beek, a fourth-degree black belt. Crazy Boy, president of the notorious Mexican biker gang, “the Cretins.” Kariem Williams, a fan-favorite amongst martial arts enthusiasts and zaftig white women. Fu Ji, known for his over the top Kung-Fu antics and stylish attire. Viper, with twenty years of black-ops under his belt, this mercenary is sought after for war crimes and human rights violations. Jed Booker, this legendary Texas ranger was fired from the force due to repeated allegations of excessive force. Master Woo Ping Yeun, like week-old Chinese take-out, this contestant never loses his flavor. Eightball, straight out the mean streets of Red Hook, Brooklyn. And finally, Vito, martial arts instructor to the stars.
The first game involves running through trenches towards a finishing line as giant boulders hurtle towards contestants. Vito is the first to be eliminated as a boulder decapitates him. Master Yeun, however, nimbly jumps over the boulders to win the round. P>
Eightball is incinerated in the second round, which comprises of escaping an explosion on mini-bikes. In the third round, Jeb Booker is killed as contestants must run on treadmills, or else they will fall into a wood chipper. Round four has all the contestants in a circle holding a gun to the man standing next to him. Five guns are fake but one is real, which Viper finds out as he is shot in the head.
Klaus Van Der Beek is eaten alive in round five as the men have to pogo across an area filled with killer African red ants. In round six, Fu Ji is blown up when he fails to catch a ball made of TNT during a volleyball game.
With three contestants left round seven begins which involves the men skating around a roller-derby rink full of booby traps. Crazy Boy elbows both other contestants out the way but fails to see a giant circular saw and is cut in two.
As Yeun and Kariem, the two remaining contestants, catch a break between rounds, the host of the show enters the arena. Getting his film crew to show a close up of Crazy Boy’s remains, he remarks you don’t see brains on the Apprentice. He approaches Yeun and remarks this is where the games get really interesting, as they have themselves a little twistaroonie. Only in this case: TWO twists. He then rips the mask of Yeun’s head revealing him to be Deadpool, who is wearing his trademark red and black costume. Gene then reveals the second twist of a last minute contestant, the large muscular man who was accompanying him earlier. “He’s a half-ton of malicious fun. He’s a lover, a poet – no he’s not. He’s a total savage. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the beast from the east… BATAAR.”
As the final round begins, Bataar takes out a battle-axe, Kariem has a chainsaw and Deadpool is equipped with his katana. Bataar swings and chops off Kariem’s afro, which causes the man to drop his chainsaw on his own foot. Deadpool takes the opportunity to attack Bataar but the man charges forward and uses his “elephant stomping technique” to snap Deadpool’s leg. Kariem attacks Bataar from behind, then runs and grabs a flamethrower off the wall. He blasts the man with fire but it isn’t enough, as Bataar chops him in two with his axe.
“Now little man… it’s just you and me,” Bataar exclaims looking at Deadpool.
All of a sudden, a trapdoor with a tiger in opens up next to Wade. He maintains his balance but the tiger slashes his face. Deadpool leaps out the way of another swing from Bataar and then psyches himself up by licking the blood from the tiger wound. “Okay… let’s do this.”
Deadpool and Bataar charge at each other’s, weapons drawn, until they collide. As both move past each other they come to a stop. Bataar starts laughing hysterically but Deadpool doesn’t move. “Wait for it… Waiiit fooooor it… YES!” he exclaims as Bataar splits in two.
The host comes out he talks into the camera. “We have ourselves a winner! And as sad as I am to lose Bataar – friends come and go – but video is forever.” Deadpool is then presented with a giant novelty check of one million dollars as the host wraps up the show. As the cameras stop rolling, the host orders the crew to kill Deadpool, much to the merc’s surprise. However, he soon chops the men into pieces in front of the still rolling cameras. Deadpool then turns on the host. “Someone’s got some ‘splainin’ to do” he says as he grabs the man by the hair.
“Now get ready for a little twistaroonie of my own,” Deadpool announces. Remember the reason he came to this island… to find you-know-who? “Ta-da… hello Julian,” he says as he rips a rubber mask off the host’s head, revealing him to be the man he has been searching for. Julian Kilgore smiles nervously, stating that he can explain, but Deadpool ignores him and starts slashing him with his katana.
(the Next Day)
Deadpool meets with Mr. Kilgore at his home again, once more sitting in front of his open fire. He shows the man a picture of his dead son and tells him the person responsible for his death has paid. Mr. Kilgore hands over a briefcase with one million dollars inside but Deadpool “tsk tsks”... stating that it looks a little light to him.
The confused Kilore asks what he means. One million dollars. That’s what they agreed on. Every cent there. “Uh-uh. It’s TWO million,” Wade replies, claiming he also won the contest. When Kilgore begins to ask what does that have to do with him, Deadpool explains that he had been set up and he was sent to the island as a gift for Kilgore’s son in the aim to improve the show’s ratings. How could a failed actor like Julian get that type of cheddar to bankroll and operation like that? Only one way pal: He’d have to have a sugar daddy… or a REAL daddy. .
Mr. Kilgore then confesses to his disappointment in his son and says he would rather his son be a criminal than a bum. At least it was something he was passionate about. He just wanted him to have some… purpose… “
Deadpool then wheels Mr. Kilgore closer to the fire. “Show me the money or you’re gonna get a tan.” Mr. Kilgore hands over another briefcase and tells Wade to count it. “Count it? Hm Let’s see. You hired me to travel to a remote island to compete in a game show where contestants fight for their lives and a cash prize… only to discover the subject of my search – your spoiled rotten, failed actor son – was actually the host and would try to kill me!”
Sheepishly, Kilogre confirms, eying the flames before him. “Nah, It’s cool! I trust you,” Deadpool says as he walks away from the man, who stares sadly into the fire.