Heed the tale of Loki, fairest and finest of Asgard’s sons! In ancient realms with too many consonants in their names, he came to the aid of the warrior Sigurd who had got himself into a state of extreme fail with the sexy-dangerous Valkyries of death!
“Save me from the temptress-cannibals, mischievous one!” Sigurd cried. So hither came Loki, the mackable. Forsooth, he was smoking! Indeed, so studly was he that the dire death maidens forgot Sigurd and did beset Loki majorly.
With great magicks, he drove back their keen attentions but great magicks were not enough, for their make-out fu was strong.
By holy Odin’s battle trousers! Loki cried as he wove a spell like a boss that—
“Wove an imprecise and ragged scrap of sorcery that Sigurd misused—“Doug Ramsey aka Cypher translates. Hello? Butt out! Loki cries, this is his saga.
“And thus all Asgardians caught in the spell forgot their heritage and became mortal,” Doug continues in a trance. Hey fellow, Loki protests, “my saga, my saga!”
Why is everyone looking at him? What was he doing? Doug asks surprised. He was Bogarting his saga and was telling it in a way that made him look really bad, Loki or Lucas, as he is known in his mortal identity sulks. Is it possible to “Bogart a saga?” Doug muses. He supposes to. It just felt like the truth to him. They are in this terrible situation because Loki gave Sigurd a spell. A very bad spell. Loki started to talk and words started to seep into Cypher’s head. It’s the spell. The spell that’s taken Asgard out of everything. Sigurd cast the spell to protect himself from the – you know, the cannibal death valkyries they are not supposed to mention by name. And the spell is wearing thin. It’s being stretched. It’s going to tear.
X-Man, who is something of an expert when it comes to alternate realities, agrees. Reality’s been overwritten. Repurposed. He must be picking up echoes of the way things should be, Cypher agrees. Its true language is more subtle. A faint trace of it underlies everything. It vibrates more vitally than the dull normality that has been imposed ion it. If it reasserts itself and snaps back too suddenly, well, look out!
Bobby daCosta announces he hates Asgardian stuff. And reality twistiness. And he hates having his saga script-doctored to make him look like a sneaking thief, Loki sulks. Doug points out that Loki was always the sneaking thief.
Dani interrupts them; they have to get the situation under control. Bobby suggests calling the X-Men. Nate Grey disagrees. Reality is thin. Things are fragile, Doug agrees. They must tread very carefully or everything will break. As in? Dani asks. All of the Asgardians would suffer irrevocable harm and perish, Doug translates.
Okay, they are not cool with that, Dani decides. Nor does she want to risk deposing a horde of rampaging cannibal demigods in downtown San Fran. By the same token, they can’t do their regular hero routine of kicking ass and punching things in the face. They have to find another viable way of ending up the heroes here. So they stick with the original plan. The guy responsible for the whole mess is right here after all. Loki created the spell, he is going to uncreate it. He is going to weave the best freaking counter-spell that was ever woven ever! she stresses.
Loki agrees. Still figuring out how exactly he’s going to do that. Lots of things to consider. But of course he can - totally! They are talking a powerful counterspell. Serious, if they want to stop the Disir. Don’t say that! Dani orders. Say what? He asks. She spells the name. He said it and they didn’t appear, he points out. He think Mr. Pecs and Captain Smartass are underestimating how strong Sigurd’s spell is. By which he means his spell. His spells don’t undo easily. But he is aware of the looks on their faces so they’d better get on gathering some ingredients…
So the quest for ingredients begins. First the hammer of Thor… Arthur, the guy who runs he the repair shop (Warlock steals it while Amara and Doug talk to Arthur).
Next the spittle of Volstagg… the fat dude in the café where Doug and Roberto steal his sandwich while he is serving Sigurd who looks after them suspiciously, wondering what the mutants are up to.
Next up is a lock of hair from Fandral – the guy who runs the bar and really fancies himself, which Loki and Dani get from Hogun the hairdresser, whose blood they also get when he cuts himself with his scissors.
Not to mention the “grave goods” of Hela, goddess of death the crazy recycling woman who collects garbage. That’s Hela? Dani mutters in astonishment when she sees the recycling lady with the lopsided face.
Nate and Loki try to get the oath of Tyr the homeless vet who sleeps in the alley. When they wake him with Nate’s telekinesis he swears at them and they copy the “oath” with a smartphone.
Left is the sweat of Sif the babe Bobby sees on the street sometimes when she’s on her way to self-defense class at the church hall. Amara raises the ground temperature and Bobby hands Tiff a new towel and takes it back afterwards. Amara accuses him of having way too much fun. Better the devil you know, he retorts.
Not long after, also in the church, the D.I.S.I.R. (support group for disordered eaters in recovery) is meeting. In the circle, Gondul gets up and announces she has been fighting food allergies since what seems forever. Another woman agrees. It’s awful, the hunger, the need to eat. And the fear that eating will hurt, Gondul agrees. It’s a curse.
Brun appears, her face smeared with blood. This is going to sound crazy, she announces, but something changed today. She discovered today she can eat. Properly eat without the allergies kicking in. It’s as if something has… interfered with the allergy patterns. She doesn’t know… But she has suffered for years. For years, just like all of them. Now she found she can eat again. It’s amazing! The hunger used to be bad… but the thought of eating was even worse. Knowing what would happen when the allergies started up. She holds up a paper bag. Her hunger hasn’t gone away, but the stranglehold of the allergies has. She believes they can finally beat their illness by defying it. She drops the food on the ground and urges them to try. The other women pounce on the food…
On the street, Doug announces it’s getting thinner. He can hear the language of reality trying to reassert itself. So he’s saying they got to hurry? Dani asks. Hurry a lot, he agrees. They’ve got to cast the spell and replace the old one before it breaks. It’s coming under a lot of pressure. X-Man who has just joined them also issues a warning about reality. Doug just said, Dani cuts him off. Just for once she’d love the problem to be “pizza’s late” or “I’ve lost my shoe.” Not “reality is about to have spasms and die.”
She turns to Loki, announcing the spell he gave to Sigurd is about to go ping and collapse. Is he ready with the new one? He’s got all the bits and ingredients. Dani warns him to get it right. Okay, okay, Loki sighs, seriousness of situation understood.
Inside, Dani stresses he has to reset everything and reassert the bonds restraining the D-I-S-IR. He’s totally with the program, Loki assures her.
Meanwhile, all around the neighborhood, the true nature of things begins to squirm out from under the bonds of the enchantment. When Arthur, the mechanic, hits his thumb with his hammer he swears “By the All-Father!” The homeless bum mutters he served in the wars. … The battle of Fenris…
In the New Mutants’ apartment, Loki brews the ingredients. For the next step, all females present must take their tops off, he announces. Cast the damn spell already! Dani orders before Amara can lynch him.
Arthur and the jogging Tiff hear a scream coming from the church. The Warriors Three also run out of Andy’s bar. Tyr, his puppy and the homeless pup that loves chasing Loki are also alert.
Oh, please, don’t tell him, Sigurd begs, as the Disir roam free on the streets… free and ravenous.
What the Hel? Tiff exclaims while Arthur wonders why these things seem familiar. The monstrous Disir begin attacking everybody and everything. What did those crazy mutants do? a shocked Sigurd mutters.
Holding his wrench like a hammer, Arthur shouts this will not stand. Gods! the baker exclaims, ordering his friends to drive the beasts back before they hurt someone. Back! he says and attacks one of them, as do his friends.
“And by the freezing winter ice of the ancient fjord, whimmy whammy!” Loki finishes his spell. Behold! he shouts. Nothing happens. What are they beholding exactly? Amara asks.
Well, that was fun, Loki announces. It’s getting late. He has to be home for supper. Dani shouts at him to wait. Nothing happened! Walking outside, Loki replies, of course, nothing happened. What did they expect? They really have to lighten up and--- he trails off as he sees the chaos outside.
Dani orders him to do something. The boy is confused. What is she talking about. He is Loki! she shouts. Yeah, when they are pretending, he replies. Because they were playing… it was fun. They are crazy, this is all crazy!
Dani realizes that “Loki” had been Luke all the time. He was pretending. He was lying when he said he realized he was Loki. Which, of course, ironically is a very Loki thing to do, Doug points out.
Dani announces they have to do something fast. Sigurd comes running. What did they do? he shouts. Dani tells him this is his fault. Powering up, Sunspot asks if they can please hit something in the face now? Dani apologizes. They should have done that in the first place. She orders the team to act before somebody dies. Don’t let them eat him! Sigurd pleads while Luke asks them not to leave him with Sigurd. He started it!