Somewhere deep beneath Chinatown, a large, sumo-looking man plods through the terrain. As he does so, he mutters to himself “three chickens, two wenches and five bottles of wine.” No… no, make that two chickens, three wenches, eight bottles of wine and one steak. One big, fat, juicy steak. Stuffed inside a turkey. Or maybe… maybe just a warm bath and a soft feather bed and assurances from all the gods that he need never see the inside of another cave so long as he lives. No, definitely the wine. And the wenches. And at least three chickens.
Somewhere else deep beneath Chinatown, Logan, Gorilla-Man, Master Po and Yuen Yee face off against the combined forces of Soulstriker, Rock of the Buddha, Razorfist, Darkstrider and foot-soldiers of the Jade Claw. Squaring off against Razorfist, Logan asks him didn’t he kill him once before. Razorfist tells him not good enough he didn’t. Confronting Master Po, the six-armed Darkstrider tells him to stand down old man before he tears him in… gaaaaghhh!
Just then, Po breaks one of his arms. As he does, he remarks that he’s never broken six arms in one fight before. Five sure. But never six. When Gorilla-Man asks Soulstriker why they call him that, he gets his answer when Soulstriker jams his fist into his chest. One of the foot-soldiers of the Jade Claw asks Yee if he’s gonna show them his Kung Fu too. Shooting him in the chest, Yee says right, because all Chinese know Kung Fu. You racist *#$@.
As Logan faces off against Darkstrider and Gorilla-Man goes up against Rock of the Buddha, Logan tells Gorilla-Man to stop dancing and fight, you lazy knuckle-dragger. Gorilla-Man remarks it’s official. Logan’s rogue gallery is just as unpleasant as he is. That guy over there just punched him in the soul. Logan replies that need he remind him, his enemy’s the one using dragons to run drugs through a tunnel from China. Gorilla-Man says that’s the kinda crazy he’s used to. But not Kung Fu crazy. Not the “punching people in the soul” kinda crazy. Logan tells him he ain’t people. He’s a damn primate. Gorilla-Man quips says a guy whose back’s just as hairy as his. Does he see what he sees? Logan tells him to be ready to move. Just then, they leap out of the way and narrowly avoid being burned alive by fire spewing from a dragon’s mouth.
Soulstriker calls out to the dragons to claim their meat for themselves but their souls belong to him. From behind him, Po asks him if that is because he has no soul of his own. That would make him more worm than man, would it not? Come then, little worm. Claim his soul if he dares. As Soulstriker goes to attack him, Po is able to kick him in the mouth with a jumping high-kick. Following up with a punch to his face, Po tells Soulstriker that he has dishonored his family there today. What he has done to these noble dragons, forcing them to server as his drug-ferrying beasts of burden, will forever be his shame. Soulstriker asks noble, he says? He doesn’t know much about dragons.
While Logan and Gorilla-Man continue their battle, Soulstriker suddenly calls out enough. Standing in front of two dragons with Yee and Po in each of their mouths, Soulstriker tells Black Dragon (Logan) to stand down or he will show him what a real dragon can do. Po calls out don’t do it. Let him kill him if he wants. Just don’t give the bastard the satisfaction. Yee says don’t let him kill him. Just a kid here. Hello? Putting his hands up, Logan surrenders. Gorilla-Man asks him what the hell he is doing. Either way they’re dead. He knows he knows that. Logan replies that the kid’s too damn smart to die and the old man is too damn tough. Gorilla-Man asks yeah, where does that leave them?
A short time later, Gorilla-Man and Logan are drawn between two dragons by their hands and feet, back to back, opposite of each other. Realizing he has learned the answer to his previous question of where that leaves them, he remarks “why there of course.” How silly of him. Soulstriker tells them he regrets he cannot tarry in order to see them torn asunder, but the Jade Claw doesn’t pay them simply to take out the trash. They have a big wide world to pollute with narcotics. What? Nothing to say? Aren’t they at least going to beg for the lives of their friends? Tell him how this has nothing to do with them? That they’re just a kid and an old man and he should let them go?
Snarling, Logan tells him that when he gets outta this, he’s gonna find him. And he’s gonna take that other arm. And if he asks him real nice, he may even take his head. Peering at him, Soulstriker says yes. Well, they both seem to be working just fine now, don’t they? With that, he pushes Master Po over the side of the embankment. As he leads his allies away with Yuen Yee in tow, Striker tells them good day. If by some miracle the dragons do not pull them apart and eat them, bones and all, have fun wandering these tunnels until you both go mad and eat each other.
Left alone and at the mercy of the dragons, Gorilla-Man asks Logan too young to die, huh? Logan tells him to just hurry up and untie them. Gorilla-Man says he’s way ahead of him. As he unties the rope around his feet and Logan’s arms, Gorilla-Man remarks “opposable big toe.” He bets he wishes he had one right about now. Just hold still and he’ll have them on their way in no time. Once free from one set of bonds, the dragon they are still tied to takes off running. After Logan remarks that they’re definitely on their way, Gorilla-Man tells him to shut up and kill it. Before Logan has the opportunity to do so, the dragon is stopped dead in his tracks. Emerging from the shadows, a large sumo looking man with a number of tattoos exclaims at last. He knew someone would come for him. He welcomes them, his rescuers, with the hug of a thousand thank yous. Now please, tell him they’ve brought food.
Inside a wagon being pulled by two dragons with a large dwelling on the back, a number of man servants tend to the Jade Claw every need. As they massage her, fan her, pour her drinks, they also bring her food. Today’s dinner consists of Cantonese noodles with seared hummingbird hearts and caramelized butterfly brains. Grilled bull elephant tongue with shitake mushrooms and bald eagle hollandaise. Curried Tyrannosaurus pate, imported fresh from the Savage Land. Baby seal soufflé a la mode and bacon-wrapped tiger eyes sautéed, as always, in the tears of her enemies.
At that moment, Soulstriker bows and begs Jade Claw a thousand pardons, but there was a bit of trouble with the last shipment. All settled now, of course. Peering at Yuen Yee, Jade Claw asks him what is this he’s brought her. Bring it closer. Soulstriker informs her he’s from Chinatown. Those with whom he came have since been dispatched. Grabbing hold of his cheek, Jade remarks hmmm. Not bad. Though just a bit too young to be a concubine, she’s afraid. Put him in the fields.
When Yee asks “the fields,” he sees out the window and states she has poppy fields… at the center of the earth. Jade tells him correction. She has a poppy field the size of Australia. Plus enough underground greenhouses and meth caves to supply whatever vice the world so desires. Chinatown is but the first inroad. Soon enough, when anyone anywhere longs to smoke, snort, swallow, or inject anything illegal, they will first pay her for the privilege.
With a shocked look on his face, Yee asks so that’s it? That’s her whole plan? To become the world’s biggest drug dealer? Smiling, Jade tells him that, every morning, she bathes in the finest wines. Every night, 1,000 doves are plucked, just to stuff her pillows. She daily has her feet washed in the still-warm blood of women who dared presume themselves more beautiful than her. Her least expensive bra still costs more than it would take to feed his entire family for a year. Let the men up top argue over who rules what. She’ll be down there, quietly ruling them all. Yee says okay, he takes it back. That’s a pretty awesome plan. Would she maybe reconsider that whole concubine thing?
Grabbing hold of Logan, the large sumo-looking guy says “Wolverine! My old friend!” He has come all this way just to rescue him? He owes him his life. After Gorilla-Man quips “great, more friends of yours,” Logan asks does he know this guy. The sumo-looking man replies it is he – Fat Cobra of the Immortal Weapons. World-renowned Kung Fu champion and defender of mystical Peng Lai island. Do not tell him he has forgotten the only man to ever drink him under the table. He does not blame him for not recognizing him, as he fears he has wasted away to practically nothing after being lost in these wretched tunnels for so very long.
Logan remarks that he never drank him under the table. Turning to Gorilla-Man, Logan repeats that he never drank him under the table. Ignoring Logan, Gorilla-Man asks Fat Cobra how he came to be lost down there. Fat Cobra answers that the Oracles of Peng Lai warned of great trouble deep in the earth, so he went below to investigate. Perhaps he should have asked for more explicit directions, as he soon became lost in this confounding maze of tunnels. Since then, he has simply been walking the earth from the inside, searching for a way out, subsisting on a scat diet of cave moss, warm puddle water and three days ago an entire dragon. Come then, lead the way to freedom, his friends, and be you man or monkey he promises them the finest food, wine and wenches you have ever known.
After Gorilla-Man asks doesn’t anybody know the difference between a monkey and a gorilla anymore, Logan tells Fat Cobra tough luck. They’re just as lost as he is. Fat Cobra asks so... no food then? Looking around, Logan says he might have some beef jerky in his pocket. Gorilla-Man then asks Fat Cobra why he is looking at him like that. Fat Cobra tells him that he hears monkeys are considered quite the delicacy in some cultures. Gorilla-Man tells him don’t make him knock all his teeth out.
Just then, Logan tells them both to shut up. More damn dragons. Fat Cobra remarks one of each of them. Gorilla-Man adds that, if Jade Claw’s got a base down there, those dragons are the key to finding it. If they can follow them without being detected, they just might lead them right to…
Before he can finish his thought, Fat Cobra leaps over the rocks they were hiding behind and tells the dragons to prepare to be eaten. Following him, Gorilla-Man says so much for that plan. Logan asks him can’t he talk to them, tell ‘em they’re not their enemies? Gorilla-Man asks that he thinks he can talk to animals? When Logan asks can’t he, Gorilla-Man says no. Logan asks so he’s basically just a gorilla who talks like a man? Gorilla-Man remarks that he says that like it’s not impressive. Logan tells him it ain’t where he comes from.
Punching one of the dragons, Fat Cobra tells his friends not to lose heart. Their meat may be tough but ‘tis nothing a little tenderizing cannot remedy. Climbing another dragon, Gorilla-Man asks Logan what the hell he is doing. Standing in front of the third dragon, Logan tells him that he’s finding the people who stole his money and kidnapped his friend and threw his Kung Fu master down a bottomless pit. Ain’t but one way they’re ever gonna find their base. Ain’t but one way they’re gonna…
At that moment, the dragon chomps down on Logan. Upon witnessing that, Gorilla-Man tells Fat Cobra that he doesn’t believe it. Is he doing what he thinks he’s doing? Fat Cobra answers he doesn’t know. He just wishes he had gotten his beef jerky first.
Inside her temple, a concubine washes Jade Claw’s feet with the blood of a young woman who was killed. As he does, he asks if the Jade Claw requires anything else. Jade Claw says require – no. Desire? Oh, indubitably.
Out in the poppy fields, Yuen Yee asks one of the workers how one can apply to become a concubine or how that works. Meanwhile, Master Po continues his descent down the pit.
Just then, three dragons make their way to the temple. Inside one dragon, Gorilla-Man says this is never gonna work. Inside another, Logan tells him to be quiet. It will if he shuts up. Gorilla-Man adds that he can’t believe he let him talk him into this. That really hurt, you know? Logan says it’ll hurt a lot more if doesn’t be quiet. Hearing a loud burp, Gorilla-Man asks what that sound was. Inside the third dragon, Fat Cobra says his apologies. He ate part of an apple he found in there. It did not sit well in his stomach. Gorilla-Man says he’s not sitting so well himself. Logan tells them to both shut the hell up and focus on finding his money.