1st story:
We live in a world of incredible wonders. A world inhabited by fearsome monsters (Man-Thing), fascinating myths (Sub-Mariner), and amazing marvels (Silver Surfer). Join us on our exploration of everything from the supernatural to the superhuman on “Monsters, Myths, and Marvels.” The Wendigo. Legend has it this cannibalistic creature has long terrorized the Canadian wilderness. They say…
Laying across the Wendigo’s arms, the buxom blonde actress yells out cut. The “Wendigo” remarks for Crissakes, what is it now? The director, Gordon, tells the blonde, Diane, technically he’s the only one who’s supposed to yell cut around there. He means, he knows they don’t have a real director for these crappy reenactments like friggin’ “Unsolved Mysteries” did, but still… Diane points over to the “Wendigo,” Mike, and tells Gordon that he grabbed her boob. Mike asks he did what? She’s got to be kidding him. Besides, it’s not all his fault. She… she… Diane angrily asks she what? Mike replies she knows, hangs over. Enraged, Diane yells at Mike that her proportions still don’t give him the right to cop a feel. She’ll have him know if she… Stepping in between them, Gordon tells them both enough. How about they all take a 5 minute break and cool down.
Walking away, Diane pulls out her cell phone and says wait until she gets that crappy agent of hers on the phone. She goes from being on “Lost” to this garbage? And she doesn’t care if she was only in a background scene. She was on the damned show. And that means… Just then, she notices the cameraman, Jimmy, recording her. With piercing eyes and anger in her voice she calls him a toot and says that tears it. Jimmy tells her she’s got him all wrong, he was just… Diane cuts him off and says he was just giving her an excuse to sue all their asses for sexual harassment, that’s what he’s doing.
Dialing her phone, she says she’s getting her $%^ lawyer on the phone right… Upon seeing glowing eyes in the forest behind her, Jimmy asks Diane what is behind her. Diane tells him nice try but if he thinks she’s gonna fall for that old trick he… Watching a clawed hand emerge from the woods, Jimmy tells her that she should seriously turn around. It’s some sort of… Before Jimmy can finish his thought, the Wendigo proceeds to smack Diane’s head clean off. Still recording, Jimmy says holy $%^&, holy $%^&, holy $%^&.
In the town of Lac Saint Jean, an officer of the local police force stops the tape, turns to Gordon and Jimmy, and proceeds to ask them if they want to tell them what they’re looking at there. When they don’t answer, he says to them that they still have nothing to say, huh? He’d say they had better start talking quick. Holding up a picture of a grisly murder scene, he tells them that somebody had better have something real $%^&!@ important to say about the biggest mass murder this area’s ever seen. In another room, the senior officer’s partner asks him if the detainees have said anything. When the senior officer tells him not a word, the other officer asks him about Jean Guy. After the senior officer asks Jean, his partner tells him that he’ll give him three guesses where he is.
On a boat out on a lake, a man is holding a fishing pole and getting ready to take a bite of his sandwich when he catches a fish. Before he can enjoy his catch, a bunch of police cars pull up on the shore. As a female officer, Sonja, exits one of the police cars, she calls out to Jean Guy, the man out on the lake. Jean says hell. His best day of fishing and he can’t even enjoy it.
As they make their way towards the police station, Sonja tells Jean that the victims were found half eaten and ripped to shreds. She’s never seen anything like it. Entering the station, Jean says okay. Sonja asks okay? Is that all he has to say? Jean replies no and then tells her to have somebody go get him a poutine from over at Le Bonet. All he had to eat all day was a little sandwich. Sonja tells him all right but there’s one other thing he needs to know about. Pointing to a room with an Alpha Flight poster on the door, Jean opens the door, peers in, grunts, and proceeds to promptly close the door, saying only okay.
Inside another room, Jean sits across from Gordon and Jimmy and asks them if they want a beer. Jimmy says sure, he’ll take a… Before he can finish, Gordon peers at him and asks him really? Jimmy then tells Jean no thanks. Sipping on his beer, Jean tells them both not to worry. It’s not a trick. They have a saying there in Lac Saint Jean – “fais comme chez vous” – make like you’re home. Around there, a man comes to your home, they offer you a beer. Make like you’re home. But what does he mean by “home?” Well, home there for them means they can leave their doors unlocked at night. They like to fish a lot, hunt moose, play hockey and snowmobile on the lake when it freezes up come winter time. They know all their neighbors’ names and their kids’ names, and their kids’ kids’ names. And home for them also means the biggest crime that has ever hit this area is when Real Besson’s truck got stolen two years ago. That made the front page of their local paper and everything.
Holding up a picture of the slaughter at the campsite, Jean remarks that home for them doesn’t mean that. It doesn’t mean the arrogant tete carres TV star Americans can come up there and think that they’re just a bunch of simple French Canadian frog drunks who can just be dismissed after 4 people get butchered in their woods. He then tells them to take the damn beer and start answering their $%^& questions.
After taking the beers, Jimmy begins drinking his and says to Gordon that they should just tell them. Gordon angrily tells Jimmy that he doesn’t know what he’s telling them and that’s the problem, so just keep his mouth shut and do them all a favor. Jean asks why that is. Sighing, Gordon answers because he’s just going to confuse things. He thinks he saw something he didn’t. And he’s just going to make them look insane and he’d rather not… Jimmy pipes in that it was a Wendigo.
Looking at him, Jean asks ‘pardon me?’ Jimmy again says that a Wendigo killed those people. The other police officers in the room start laughing hysterically. One of the officers tells him that the Wendigo is sort of a joke around there like Big Foot or the Loch Ness Monster. It’s just a local bogeyman legend good for a few bucks. They’ve even got a Wendigo festival every year over in Roberval, for crissakes. Wendigo rides, Wendigo howling contests, and just last year they started a Miss Wendigo beauty pageant that…
Jean cuts him off and says enough. He then asks Jimmy if he’s got this straight. Is he expected to believe they came there to film a show about a Wendigo and were attacked by one? Jimmy replies well, uh… yeah. But don’t believe him. Take a look at the footage on the tape and they’ll see. Pushing play on the tape, Jean says let’s just do that then.
On the video tape, Gordon is holding a microphone and standing in the woods as the snow comes down. He says the names Cartier, Georges Baptiste, Francois Lartigue, and most recently, lumberjack Luc Lemay. These men are among those who are reputed to have become the monstrous man-eating beast as a result of the curse of the Wendigo. A curse said to fall upon an individual when he resorts to acts of cannibalism there in the woods of Northern Canada. And there’s nobody who knows these woods, or the Wendigo for that matter, better than famed cryptozoologist Andre Simard.
Looking over at Andre, Gordon asks him what they are looking at there. Andre informs him Wendigo tracks, and fairly fresh ones in fact… mon dieu! Upon hearing Andre’s excitement, Gordon asks him if he sees something. Andre tells him damned right he did – Wendigo feces. Only an hour or so ago, he’d wager. When Gordon asks him how he can tell, Andre tells him easy. Poking his finger into the feces and bringing it up to his nose, Andre states that Sasquatch feces tends to have a nuttier aroma but Wendigo fec…
Just then, Jimmy vomits. Enraged, Gordon yells cut and asks Jimmy what the hell that was. Jimmy tells him he’s sorry he yakked. He tried to hold it in but, dude, he thought he was gonna put it in his mouth. He just lost… At that moment, the Wendigo yell permeates through the air. Andre points into the woods and tells them that the call of Wendigo came from that way and implores them to follow him. As Andre runs deeper into the woods, Gordon tells Jimmy to follow him. Jimmy asks him is he #$%^in’ nuts, he ain’t goin’ in there. He, Gordon, goes in there if he wants to go.
Jimmy states that was the last they seen of him. Well, until the Wendigo dragged his dead carcass back with him when he attacked them back at their camp later that night. Sort of weird that he did that, kind of like he was savin’ him to eat them all together. Maybe he wanted a little French Canadian “surf” to go along with his American “turf.” One of the officers remarks that could’ve been anything, just some nut yelling in the woods. The other officer adds yeah and asks if it could be what attacked them was just some maniac in animal skins or something. It’s a lot more believable than saying their friends got butchered by something out of the weekly world news. Jimmy asks just a guy in animal skins, huh. He then tells them to fast forward a little ‘til they get to the part with them in the tent, and then still tell him it’s a guy with animal skins.
On the tape, Gordon and Jimmy are hiding in a tent. Frightened, Gordon asks Jimmy if he thinks it saw them go in there. Just then, the Wendigo enters their tent. After Gordon and Jimmy scream, the Wendigo removes his mask and Mike tells them it’s him. He says to them that they have to help him. That thing out there thinks he’s a female. He thinks he’s trying to…
Before he can finish his sentence, the real Wendigo grabs hold of his leg and pulls Mike away. As it does, Mike yells that this is God paying him back for what he did to Diane. It was true, he groped her. It was truuuuuue… Once Mike is pulled away, Gordon says poor Mike. Jimmy replies $%& that degenerate. Better him than them. He just hopes… At that moment, the Wendigo reaches into the tent and reaches for Gordon and Jimmy. Before it can reach them, three blades of adamantium extending from a fist slices the Wendigo’s arm off.
Pausing the tape, Jean asks what just happened there. Jimmy states that he sort of forgot to mention that but that’s how they got saved. A short hairy guy with claws cut the Wendigo’s arm off. They kind of high-tailed it outta there so he didn’t exactly get a good look at him. Plus, Gordon was screaming like a woman the whole time so… Gordon shoots back that he was so not and tells Jimmy that he is so fired. Jimmy states that he knows how this all sounds – Wendigo, crazy mysterious claw guy – but… The arm! That’s it. They have to have found the arm at the site, no? The cops look over at Jean and tell him that if he’ll excuse them for a minute. Returning to the room, the cops drop a normal looking severed human’s arm onto the floor. Jean asks Gordon and Jimmy that it’s not what they expected, right. With that, Jean excuses himself from the room.
Entering the door with the Alpha Flight poster on it, Jean asks the six men in suits inside if they’ve seen enough. The leader says to him right to the point, huh. He doesn’t even want to know what agency they’re with. Jean asks what difference it makes. Whoever they are, he’s sure they’re the guys who show up whenever there’s talk of a Wendigo or a UFO or whoever the bogeyman is at the moment. All in the name of the general public’s “best interests.” And since he’s certain they’re going to tell him what to do there, let’s get on with it already. The head of the group tells Jean to let them go. Nobody’s going to believe their crazy story. Plus, just gauging Allsworth’s reaction, he’s not too keen on telling it anyway.
Entering the room, Sonja hands Jean a document he asked for. Jean then asks the men what the official story he’s giving to explain the incident. The leader replies like he said – crazy serial killer guy in animal skins. Another of the agents asks what about a polar bear. Don’t they come down to towns every now and then, sifting through garbage and mauling people? He saw that on the Discovery Channel once. Peering over at him, the leader tells him this is Quebec moron, not the North $%^& Pole. Jean mentions that he’s only asking because he got some interesting bit of information his deputy just handed to him. He had them check the fingerprints on that severed arm and what do you know. They belonged to Luc Lemay, the last known person thought to be a Wendigo. How about that, eh? The leader of the men says yeah, how about that. He then tells his men that he thinks they’re through there.
Epilogue:
At a gas station, Gordon complains that the stupid map is written in French. How the hell is he supposed to follow all these backwoods roads back to the highway? Jimmy tells him that he doesn’t understand. Gordon remarks that he doesn’t understand French either. That’s the friggin’ problem.
Jimmy proceeds to ask him how he can still refuse to believe what happened there. Gordon tells him because he is a man of reason and science. He doesn’t believe in Wendigos or the Loch Ness Monster or the Smurfs. When Jimmy asks him if he’s buying the serial killer explanation, Gordon tells him yeah. More importantly, they need to find out where the hell they are.
Looking out the window, Gordon asks a man on a motorcycle if he knows how to get back to the highway. The man ion question, Logan, tells him, “Sure thing, bub. Just go straight about a mile then hang two lefts. Ya can’t miss it.” As the motorcycle speeds off, Jimmy exclaims wait a sec. Was that the guy with the… Gordon asks Jimmy was that what and tells him to shut up and drive already and get the hell out of this God-forsaken country. And if he never sees it again it’ll be too soon. O Canada, my ass.
2nd story:
In a bar in Oklahoma, a groggy Wolverine wakes up and wonders what the hell happened. Last thing he remembers is the bartender gave him that shot and…
Just then, he sees Lady Deathstrike standing over him, telling him that he doesn’t look so good. Slamming her up against the wall, Wolverine tells her maybe not but he’s about to look a hell of a lot worse. When Wolverine asks her what she drugged him with, she replies that she doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He passed out and she was only trying to… Wolverine tells her not to play dumb with him, he ain’t in the mood.
Sniffing the air, Wolverine thinks to himself that if he’s right about what he’s picking up in the air, his mood ain’t about to improve. From behind him, a voice tells him to leave her alone. Turning around, Wolverine sees the combined forces of Omega Red, Mister X, Bloodscream, Mystique, Cyber, Mauvais, Apocalypse, Mister Sinister, Bastion and Daken and realizes that Lady Deathstrike’s about to become the least of his troubles. Facing the crowd, Wolverine pops his claws and exclaims that ya gotta figure the odds are long, even for him. But he promises them all one thing, he’ll be takin’ some of them with him.
As he talks, he knows it’s big talk. All of these jokers are hard enough to handle one-on-one, never mind all together like this. But hey, ain’t like he has a choice. So if he’s gonna go out, he’s gonna go out with a ba… Just then, Wolverine feels a hand on his shoulder and hears a voice telling him that he has to figure there’s a better way to handle this, runt. He might want to start with calmin’ himself down. Wolverine thinks to himself that it can’t be. Turning around, he sees Sabretooth, alive? The scent says it is which means this party just got a lot hairier. And while he may be crazy, he ain’t stupid.
With that, he slashes Sabretooth across the face. Once he does, he realizes that it’s time to get out of dodge, regroup, and when he does, come back and kill every last one of these lowlifes. After Wolverine pushes past the villains and crashes through the door, Deathstrike asks Sabretooth if he’s okay. When he replies he’s fine, she asks what was with that guy. Sabretooth, in actuality Thor, informs the other patrons of the bar who in Wolverine’s mind looked like his vilest villains that thy guess is as good as his own. But he does know he is Wolverine. One of the most dangerous men Midgard hath to offer. And if he does not stop him, ‘tis sure there’ll be much more blood than that of Thor spilled this day.
Standing in a field outside of Broxton, Thor discovers this is where the tracks end. In this field, he awaits his arrival. At least, ‘tis what he would have him believe. When Wolverine descends from a nearby tree and goes to slash Thor, he is able to block it using his hammer which creates large sparks. Facing off against “Sabretooth,” Wolverine tells him that comin’ back from the dead must’ve taken him off his game. He thought he woulda sniffed him outta that tree a lot sooner. Thor attempts to get Wolverine to listen to him but instead gets attacked again.
As Wolverine slashes him again, he tells Creed the only thing he wants to listen to is him chokin’ on his own blood. Thor thinks to himself Creed? Verily, there is some sort of delusion Wolverine hath fallen upon, believing him to be Victor Creed, his mortal enemy, Sabretooth. Though delusional he may be he is no less deadly. Or evasive. He dodges his fiercest blows with the ease of a…
Before Thor can complete his thought, Wolverine connects with another claw slash. Surprised, Thor remarks that he connects whilst he misses yet again. By Odin’s blood, he is faster than he… Again, before he can finish his thought, Wolverine slashes him again. Grabbing Wolverine’s leg and tossing him away, Thor thinks to himself that he is too fast. Though his strikes have failed to do any damage due to the thickness of his Asgardian skin, that advantage won’t last forever. Rushing back towards him, Wolverine tells “Creed” that it looks like he traded some speed for strength while he was wormfood. It’s just gonna take a little while longer to carve him up, that’s all. Thor deduces that it will require him to change tactics a bit. For if Wolverine continues to evade his finest blows, then perhaps it is not Wolverine that he needs to hit.
After slamming his hammer on the ground, Thor notices that the tremors from his quake have thrown Wolverine back into the field. While he flies overhead to find him, Wolverine is able to leap onto his back. Exclaiming enough, Thor slams Wolverine away with his hammer and angrily tells him that he hast pushed his patience to its very limits. Now shall he learn what it means to anger a god of thunder. As Thor flies up above, Wolverine thinks to himself Sabretooth callin’ on a storm, can’t be. Looking up, he remarks that somehow he’s thinkin’ he shoulda heard this guy out when he had the chance. With that, Thor strikes Wolverine with a large bolt of lightning.
Making his way down to the ground, Thor asks Wolverine if he is unharmed. Picking himself up off the ground, Wolverine tells him yeah, and back to reality, thanks to him goin’ all Ben Franklin on his sorry keister. Although ya think Sabretooth usin’ a hammer and flyin’ around and might’ve tipped him off a bit sooner. Thor replies verily. Though far more importantly, thou hast come to thy senses before anyone was injured. Holding his bloody side, he adds other than himself, of course.
After Wolverine apologizes for that, Thor tells him ‘tis not his fault, he suspects. For if he is correct, he hast fallen victim to the enchantments of Asgard’s most vile sorcerer, his step-brother Loki. Wolverine tells Thor that a lotta stuff had been goin’ on in Oklahoma recently. He figured he’d check it out fer himself. See if it was maybe somethin’ him and the Avengers needed to address. Thor asks so he tracked him to that bar. Wolverine says yeah. He had heard his alter ego, Don Blake, was inclined to have a cocktail or two there. Thought it was as good a place as any to start. Then that attractive female bartender gave him that shot. On the house, she said. And, well, he doesn’t remember much after that. Thor replies that he wouldn’t for he was felled by an enchanted drink. Dispersed by no mere barkeep, but as he suspects, ‘twas none other than Asgard’s god of mischief himself Loki.
Entering the bar back in town, Thor yells out Loki’s name and tells him that if he art truly behind these vile machinations, let it be known he art done. He then tells him to show himself. From behind, a voice tells him that Loki ain’t there right now and asks if he thinks they’ll do. The voice belongs to the Wrecker and he is flanked by Absorbing Man, Destroyer, Enchantress, Grey Gargoyle, Kurse, Mister Hyde, Ulik and the rest of the Wrecking Crew, Bulldozer, Piledriver and Thunderball. Spinning his hammer, Thor exclaims have at thee.
Joining the fray, Wolverine remarks that some people don’t know when it’s time to throw in the towel. So ya gotta do it for them. With that, Wolverine slashes Wrecker from behind with his claws. When he does, the Wrecker turns to dust much to his and Thor’s surprise. In short time, all of their adversaries are destroyed.
Handing a beer to Thor, Wolverine states that if this whole thing was Loki, he’s gotta be up to somethin’, huh? Thor replies he’s Loki, he’s always up to something. But truth be told, not everything hath to be about something. Sometimes a villain like Loki merely sees an opportunity for chaos and takes it. Wolverine remarks that they can’t even prove it was him. Any evidence to that effect’s lyin’ in a pile a’ dust back there on the floor. Thor says still, he is fairly certain it was Loki. Despite how he presents himself these days, he knowest better than anyone he is not above such actions. After all, his brother is not called the god of mischief for naught.
Wolverine says a pain-in-the-keister brother. Yeah, he hears that. Remind him to tell him about his sometime. But since they’re on the subject a’ keisters, he does believe he was about to kick his before he hit him with that lightnin’ and snapped him outta his little Manchurian Candidate trance. Thor grunts and says mayhap that enchanted drink affected him more than they thought. Wolverine chuckles and replies that he guesses that’s a discussion settled for another day. In the meantime, allow him to show him the mortal delicacy known as “jager bombs.”
