Amazing X-Men (2nd series) #7

Issue Date: 
July 2014
Story Title: 
No Goats, No Glory

Kathryn Immonen (writer), Paco Medina (penciler), Juan Vlasco (inker), Rachelle Rosenberg (colorist), Virtual Calligraphy‘s Joe Caramagna (letterer), Chris Anka & Chris Sotomayor (cover artists), Frankie Johnson (assistant editor), Nick Lowe & Mike Marts (editors), Axel Alonso (editor-in-chief), Joe Quesada (chief creative officer), Dan Buckley (publisher), Alan Fine (executive producer)

Brief Description: 

Firestar and Iceman are doing the grocery shopping for the X-Men on the day of a big game. Packing the groceries into Wolverine’s car, and in need to get back to the mansion for the game, they soon find a baby in their shopping cart, only for Spider-Man to appear, demanding the baby and claiming that he has been chasing it all day. Spider-Man and Iceman briefly discuss Spider-Man’s return, while Firestar starts to call Child Services, until Spider-Man stops her. Spider-Man reveals that the baby is not human, and Iceman soon discovers that when the winged alien baby leaps out of its blanket at him. Iceman starts to feed the baby alien lots of sugary food, before Spider-Man points out that there is less than an hour to kick off, and swings away with the baby. Firestar and Iceman pursue him, and retrieve the baby after Spider-Man slams into Iceman’s ice-slide. Spider-Man informs his friends that there has been a kidnapping - of a VIP, the state’s mascot, which doesn’t impress Firestar. Iceman tells the others that he thinks the baby needs changing, but when he opens its diaper, there is an explosion of green energy. Spider-Man takes the baby from Iceman and travels to the Central Park Zoo, where an alien spaceship has landed. Spider-Man plans to trade the baby for the goat, but the baby doesn’t want to leave Iceman who has continued to feed it sugary food. They trick the baby into going over to its parents by throwing a packet of chips at the aliens, and the baby is reunited with its parents, while Spider-Man retrieves the mascot goat. When they finally return to the Jean Grey School, Wolverine thinks something is wrong with his car. He opens the boot, and is bombarded by green energy.

Full Summary: 

Westchester County, New York. It is game day. A Pik ‘n’ Pay store has a closed sign up on the door. Only one purple car remains in the parking lot. A raccoon scuttles past with a large cookie. One of the staff speaks over the store intercom, announcing that the store is now closed. They thank customers for shopping and asks them to bring their purchases to the front checkout.

‘I can’t read any of this. What is that, “cat treats”? That’s a mistake’ Angelica Jones a.k.a. Firestar remarks as she reads off a shopping list. Bobby “Iceman” Drake tells her that it is not a mistake, it is Broo - he likes the ones with the chewy middle. ‘They’re actually pretty good’ he remarks. ‘And this… what…”pop”? I don’t…’ Angelica begins. Bobby explains that it is soda for Northstar. ‘I keep telling him but you know… Canadian’.

Angelica reads the next item: “Beer. Many”, to which Bobby points out that it is Logan, and suggests to Angelica that she get something with a fancy name, so Logan will take it personally.

Angelica sees “chopsticks” on the list and remarks that it looks like Nightcrawler’s scrawl. ‘That doesn’t make any sense, how can he…’ she begins, to which Bobby tells her that he thinks Dr McCoy needs to tie up some orchids. ‘Oh, okay. Because I can’t imagine. And Bobby -’ Angelica begins, before another announcement can be heard: ‘We’re closed. That means you, aisle five!’ Holding a large ham, Angelica calls out to Bobby, who tells her that it is just a giant ham and that it is not game day without sammiches. ‘Go team!’ he jokes as he puts some paper towels into the shopping cart.

Angelica tells Bobby that she doesn’t understand everybody’s TV sports obsession. ‘Spend enough weekends stuck in Westchester at the Jean Grey School for Lower Earnings and you will’ Bobby jokes.

A young employee with a broom approaches Bobby and Angelica and informs them that he is supposed to tell them they are kind of closed now. ‘I always forget something. I don’t know why I volunteered to do the snack run’ Angelica mutters as she pushes the cart off in another direction. ‘You’re a people pleaser! And you’re detail orientated! And you’re the only one with a clean driving record!’ Bobby rattles down, adding that Wolverine won’t lend anyone else his cars anymore. ‘And it’s fun! We’re like the mom and dad in Oliver Twist, in charge of an adorable clan of urchins!’

When they make their way to the checkout, Angelica tells Bobby that it was a rhetorical question and asks him if he actually ever read Oliver Twist. ‘It wasn’t phrased as a question, Angelica. And I know it’s about eating… so, duh’ Bobby replies as he puts the groceries on the conveyor. ‘Then why did you answer if - oh, shoot!’ Angelica mutters, she announces that they forgot the ice. The man operating the checkout tells her to pick it up outside and asks how many bags she wants. ‘Hey! Ice! Me! I got it covered!’ Bobby points out. ‘Nobody is going to want to put that in their drinks’ Angelica replies, to which Bobby promises that it will be upper body ice only.

As Angelica pushes the cart out of the store, she apologizes to the operator for holding him up, and thanks him for being so patient. ‘Do us all a favor and order online next time. We got a big delivery radius and discount ‘cause you work at some kinda school, right’ the operator replies. Holding two bags of ice, Bobby mutters that he still thinks it is a waste of money.

‘Wow. That sun is bright’ Angelica declares, looking up at the sky, while Bobby remarks that he can’t believe this place isn’t open twenty-four hours. ‘This is America! Land of the free! Home of the never closed!’ he jokes. Suddenly, the brightness of the sun disappears. ‘Where’d the sun go?’ Angelica asks. ‘Do I look like an astrophysicist? Or was that a rhetorical question phrased as an actual question this time?’ Bobby asks as he loads the ice into the trunk of the car. Angelica starts lifting the bags of groceries into the trunk and tells Bobby that it was really weird, but she is distracted when she notices something in one of the bags: ‘Bobby, you said you’d stop putting stuff in the cart that wasn’t on the list!’ Angelica scolds him.

‘Look, I don’t know what it’s like in Lady Land but I’m living with a bunch of toilet paper stealers!’ Bobby replies. ‘It’s not toilet paper’ Angelica replies, staring into the cart. ‘Okay, look, I know it probably seems like an awful lot of cheez whip but it is ever so delicious and nobody ever buys it because stupid health and - what is that in our cart?’ Bobby exclaims. Angelica smiles and reaches into the cart, ‘Don’t touch it!’ Bobby yells at her. ‘Awww, Bobby, come on… it’s a baby!’ Angelica replies a she pulls the baby out.

Bobby frowns and wonders where it comes from and what it wants. ‘To not have been abandoned, I expect’ Angelica replies as she looks into the baby’s eyes.

Suddenly: ‘Drop it, sister!’ a voice calls out - ‘Spider-Man!’ Angelica exclaims as Peter Parker a.k.a. Spider-Man swings down towards them. ‘I’d put that down if I were you’ Spider-Man warns Angelica. Bobby ices up and exclaims that he knew it - it’s a baby bomb! Spider-Man stands next to Angelica and instructs her to give it to him, and then nobody is going to get hurt. ‘I’ve been chasing that thing all day!’ he adds.

‘Who chases a baby? It can’t even walk! You’re both nuts!’ Angelica declares, holding the baby close. Spider-Man announces that he has been all over town looking for that thing - and by town, he means state. He tells Iceman and Firestar that he can get by without skyscrapers but that when the high tension wires go and all that is left is shrubs and lamp posts, well, he realizes he should have driven. ‘Gimme the baby’ he exclaims, before turning to Bobby and asking him how he is doing. ‘Why the cold shoulder?’ he asks. ‘You know’ Bobby frowns. ‘Pal, let it go. It’s not good for your chakra alignment. I was mind-swapped with a super villain. I wasn’t myself. Angie forgives me, right? Angie?’ Spider-Man calls out, but Firestar has moved away from the men and is in a telephone box nearby. ‘Hello, I’d like to -’ she begins, before Spider-Man fires a web towards her and yanks the phone both away. Firestar screams and covers the baby, then turns to Spider-Man and shouts ‘My phone battery was dead! And that was my last quarter!’

‘See! You’re not cut out for parenthood. I bet you don’t have Kleenex, mints or a juice box, either!’ Spider-Man tells Firestar as he walks over to her. Firestar explains that she was calling Child Services, as this baby needs the authorities. ‘I’m not giving it to you!’ she adds. Spider-Man tells Angelica that there is something she should know. ‘What?’ she asks. ‘It’s not human’ Spider-Man announces. ‘Shut. Up’ Angelica declares. Spider-Man suggests that she poke it, then she will see. Angelica tells him that she can’t, and adds that it looks like it is going to cry. ‘We can’t give a nonhuman baby to a bunch of humans. It never turns out well’ Angelica points out. ‘Oh, let me do -’ Spider-Man begins, when suddenly, there is a bright light, ‘Yow!’ Angelica calls out, shielding her eyes. ‘Dang!’ Spider-Man exclaims, and suddenly, ‘WHOA!’ Iceman shouts as the baby flies towards him. It has large wings and appears somewhat alien in its appearance. ‘Get off me!’ Bobby declares as he falls to the ground, dropping the packet of biscuits he was holding.

Angelica picks the squawking baby up. ‘What did you do to it?’ she asks Bobby, who leans against the car and rubs the back of his head. ‘Me? Me? It’s the one crying acid!’ he replies, before looking at the car and exclaiming hat Wolverine is going to kill them. ‘How do we make it stop?’ Firestar asks, while Bobby covers the car in ice. Bobby gives the alien baby the packet of biscuits and it sits on the ground, eating them. ’Nice call, Bobby’ Spider-Man remarks. ’Yeah, well, I wouldn’t expect you to think of how to make someone else happy’ Bobby replies, while Firestar remarks that it can’t be good for the baby - those things are full of chemicals and sugar. ’You forgot “joy”!’ Bobby remarks. Spider-Man looks at his wrist and announces that it is less than an hour to kick off. He fires some webbing at the back of the baby, and then swings upwards, dragging the alien behind him. ‘Kick off?’ Bobby asks. ‘He wouldn’t dare’ Angelica remarks.

They take off after Spider-Man, Iceman on an ice-sled, and Firestar flying alongside, now in her costume. ‘You sure? I know he says he’s not still taken over by a super villain, but it kinda fit him like a glove, know what I mean?’ Bobby remarks. ‘What’s that say about the fact that you’re kind of an idiot most of the time?’ Angelica asks. ‘Yeah, but no gloves, Firestar…no gloves’ Bobby replies. ‘That’s not your baby!’ Iceman calls out as they close in on Spider-Man. ‘It’s not yours, either! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!’ Spider-Man calls back. ‘But I know how to make it happy!’ Iceman boasts, when suddenly, his ice-sled forms in front of Spider-Man, who is about to swing right into it. ‘Oh no!’ Firestar calls out, blasting a microwave energy ball forward, it melts through the ice-sled, enabling the baby to sing through it, Spider-Man signals Firestar, before he crashes into the ice-sled.

Firestar grabs the baby, whose wings are restrained by webbing, and suggests to Spider-Man that he tell her what is going on. ‘There’s been a kidnapping!’ Spider-Man declares. ‘I know that’ Firestar replies. ‘Not the kid, you ding dong! I was doing a friend a favor!’ Spider-Man calls out, revealing that he left for ten minutes - actually, a couple of hours - and when he gets back, he finds that thing sucking on an energy drink that he doesn’t think it paid for. ‘Someone’s got Ding Dongs?’ Iceman asks. Firestar tells the baby that it really shouldn’t drink that stuff, as the caffeine alone has been shown to have deleterious effects - not to mention the potential for insulin spikes and migraines. ‘It’s an unregulated industry!’ she exclaims, patting the baby on its back, burping it. ‘So, kidnapping. Isn’t that right, shnook’ Iceman remarks.

‘Look, professor, I don’t know if that baby is some kind of changeling left behind by the fairies or what, but I do know it wasn’t there when I left and it’s the only thing I’ve got to trade!’ Spider-Man exclaims, hanging from the ice-sled. ‘Trade for what?’ one of the two mutants asks. ‘Let’s just call him a VIP okay? God, have you always been this nosey?’ Spider-Man replies. Bobby holds some snack bar towards the baby, ‘Want some?’ he asks. ‘Bobby, what are you -’ Angelica begins, while the baby burps once more. Suddenly, it burps again, and this time, a huge burst of fire is emitted from the baby’s mouth. ‘Goodness!’ Firestar exclaims, holding the baby away from her. ‘Point it away from me!’ Iceman exclaims as he dodges the flames. ‘I told you to stop feeding it junk!’ Angelica scolds Bobby. ‘I did! I was going to!’ Bobby replies. Angelica hands the baby to Bobby, ‘Here. You hold it. Cool it down,. Pat its bum. Reassure it’, and adds that it’s not the baby’s fault, poor thing. Bobby looks a little surprised as he holds the baby, while Angelica points a finger at Spider-Man, who is now free from the melted ice-sled, and shivering. ‘And you! All that jostling! No wonder its stomach was upset’. She then asks him what he means by “VIP”, ‘Like Ban Ki-Moon?’ she enquires. ‘Not exactly’ Iceman responds.

Elsewhere, several adult aliens with similar appearances to the baby gather around a goat, which munches into some cables. The aliens speak to each other in their native tongue, while trying to remove the cables from the goat, as their space ship is in orbit around Earth.

‘A goat?’ Firestar frowns. ‘It’s a symbol’ Spider-Man replies. ‘Who cares? It’s an even-toed ungulate that likes to climb and eat garbage - just like someone else I know’ Firestar remarks, pointing at Iceman. Spider-Man tells her that the whole state is watching, and that game today and the mascot is missing. Bobby sniffs the baby alien, while Spider-Man asks Firestar if nobody cares why they were spending the school’s operating budget on a celebratory feast for the game of which said goat is the mascot of it. Firestar tells Spider-Man that he lost control of that sentence. ’I know. I know’ Spider-Man replies, throwing his hands to his head, he explains that he told a friend he would baby-sit the goat until game time, and he had it under heavy security and it was mistaken for an important earthling, which it is. ‘I don’t believe you. I don’t believe you have friends’ Angelica declares. Bobby holds the baby away from him and tells the others that he thinks it needs changing. Bobby starts to pull the diaper back, when suddenly, ‘NO!’ Firestar screams. ‘Don’t open that space diaper!’ Spider-Man shouts, and Bobby swears as a green energy explodes around them.

When the energy clears, Bobby’s ice-form has a few holes in it. ‘Whose baby is this?’ he shouts, before remarking that they can stop referring to it as “it”. ‘Meaning what?’ Angelica asks. ‘Meaning it’s a boy. It’s got a thingy’ Bobby announces. Angelica tells him that he doesn’t know anything about this species and that he has no right to impose their stupid gender constructs on an alien race. Spider-Man creates a web-papoose to carry the baby on his back and suggests to the alien baby that they go find its real parents. ‘Hurry up, if you’re coming along!’ he calls out to Bobby and Angelica as he swings off. Following on an ice-sled, Bobby declares that he is not going to give it one of those either / or names like Chris. ‘Or Bobby? It’s not a stray dog! You’re not keeping it!’ Angelica points out. Bobby tells her that she is just jealous because it likes him better. ‘Really? How’s your face doing?’ Angelica replies.

Meanwhile, at the Central Park Zoo, the alien space ship descends over the penguin enclosure. Visitors to the zoo gather around, while Bobby, Angelica and Peter arrive on scene. ‘Citizens of New York! Do not panic! The penguin building is still open! And there are new ducks in the bird enclosure! Don’t let this ruin your day!’ Bobby calls out. Angelica asks Spider-Man if Central Park Zoo is his idea of top security, to which Spider-Man tells everyone to hide in plain sight, as it is the oldest trick in the book. ‘You ever think about how Central Park kind of stands out from the air, like a giant landing pad?’ Firestar asks, enquiring how the species makeup of this area is significantly different than the rest of Manhattan. ‘You ever notice how hindsight is twenty-twenty?’ Spider-Man calls back, adding that he also may have forgotten to take off its super-sparkly special mascot collar.

Spider-Man hands the baby to Iceman and as the space ship platform opens, the aliens appear with the goat. ‘I’ll go negotiate. It’ll be like that time we got Angie out of North Korea’ he remarks. ‘I was never in North Korea!’ Firestar exclaims. ‘That’s what you say…but I wasn’t talking about you’ Spider-Man replies. Spider-Man steps onto the platform, and asks the aliens to hand over the goat and then they will get the baby back. ‘There will be no negotiation’ he adds, remarking that they will not sweeten the deal, will not respond to threats. ‘Don’t even think about it’. One of the alien says something in its native language, before Spider-Man calls out ‘Man of ice! Woman of fire! Bring me the baby!’ However, the baby clings to Bobby’s neck, as if it doesn’t want to leave him. ‘What have you been doing?’ Angelica asks Bobby, who replies ‘Nothing! Much’.

Spider-Man takes the cable wrapped around the goat’s neck, but the alien doesn’t want to let go. ‘Uh, Bobby? Now would be a good time. Like right now’ Spider-Man calls out. ‘You’ve been feeding it junk food! I warned you!’ Angelica exclaims. ‘Bobby tells her that he wanted it to be happy, and now it likes him. ‘It likes high fructose corn syrup and red dye number 5!’ Angelica mutters. ‘Who doesn’t?’ Bobby asks. ‘Guys!’ Spider-Man calls out to his friends, while Angelica points out that they will never get rid of it now. ‘Back off, aliens!’ Firestar declares as she fires a blast of microwave energy towards the aliens. Spider-Man sees a boy standing nearby and tells him that he needs his back of chips. The boy is holding a packet of chips and asks ‘Me?’ before throwing it towards Spider-Man, ‘It’s gonna be high and inside’ the boy calls out. This causes the alien to fly out of Bobby’s arms and grab the packet of chips - landing in the arms of one of the aliens, who looks down, lovingly at the alien. The baby alien looks back, content. ‘Man, I love little league!’ someone calls out.

Later, at the Jean Grey School for Higher Learning: ‘Fire the ref!’ someone calls out. ‘Aw, maaan!’ someone else complains, while another asks if anyone has seen the pool sheet. ‘C’mon, guys! You promised you’d use the coasters!’ someone else remarks. The announcer on the sports game states that the clock is ticking down, they are going to have to get something going if they have any chance of making the last conference spot. ‘Wait, wait. There’s a commotion on the field…is that the missing goat? It is! This could turn it all around for them! This could be just the ray of hope they need, not to mention a free time-out!’ the announcer declares.

‘I thought you said you had the key’ Bobby mutters as he and Angelica stand at the front door of the school, shopping bags in hand. ‘It doesn’t take a key, but I could use another hand if you wouldn’t’ -’ Angelica begins, when suddenly, ‘Where have you two been?’ Wolverine asks as he opens the door. ‘Logan!’ Angelica exclaims. ‘Thanks, pal!’ Bobby, once more in his human form, declares. ‘Don’t ask’ Angelica tells Logan as she walks inside. Logan tells her that it is part of his job to ask questions, before enquiring as to how the car is. ‘Not a scratch on it!’ Bobby tells him, before reminding him that he is always telling the students that there is no such thing as a bad question. ‘You might wanna rethink that’ he suggests.

Wolverine sniffs the air and asks ‘What is that smell?’ Angelica asks Bobby where the ice came from, and he tells her not to worry, that it is totally legit. Angelica remarks that she keeps feeling like they have forgotten something, while Wolverine goes over to his car, dripping in ice and water, he pops his claws. ‘Angie, I always feel that way but I usually ignore it’ Bobby tells her. Wolverine opens the trunk of his car, and swears as green energy explodes.


Characters Involved: 

Firestar, Iceman, Wolverine (all X-Men)





Pik N Pay staff


Story Notes: 

Spider-Man, Iceman and Firestar are the main characters of the cartoon “Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends” which ran for twenty-four episodes from 1981-1983. This cartoon was supposed to star the Human Torch but for legal reasons he was unavailable to the studio, so they created Firestar in his place. Firestar would later go on to appear in Marvel Comics proper, first in Uncanny X-Men (1st series) #193, before going on to star in the first New Warriors series. The cartoon also introduced two other original characters, Lightwave and Videoman.

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