Deadpool is at home, watching TV in his underwear for several days while commenting on various programs and cleaning his weapons. He watches the Daily Show and thinks the kid from That 70s Show is “screechy, but oddly appealing.” He also watches Michael Wilbon on ESPN and Katie Couric on the Today Show. Deadpool becomes angry when he hears that Mischa Barton was elected the most beautiful person by People Magazine (“She’s a stick!”) and his beloved Bea Arthur still doesn’t get any recognition. When Full House is on, he wonders as usual if it’s going to be Mary Kate or Ashley in today’s episode.
His musings are interrupted when the phone rings. The caller asks for Deadpool, so Wade puts down the phone and leaves. The caller wonders if anybody is there and that he has some special needs. Deadpool returns, wearing his mask, and answers the phone. The caller asks if he is a mercenary but Deadpool states he prefers “well-compensated establishment provocateur.” The caller asks him if he knows about the Dominus Corporation. Deadpool doesn’t. The caller tells him it’s in California but Deadpool replies that he refuses to go to California on moral grounds and several outstanding warrants. The caller is willing to pay a handsome sum and that’s enough convincing for Deadpool.
Due to his recent friendship/alliance with Cable, Deadpool now feels obligated to ask what the job is before taking it, while he shoots a couple of pillows. The caller tells him that he needs to steal something. Deadpool thinks that should be all right and wants to know how handsome the sum is. He is disappointed by the amount, calling it “Elijah Wood”-handsome, while he was expecting Brad Pitt. He is in no position to barter though and accepts. He is annoyed to hear that he has to fly from Laguardia airport and has to fly coach, but he has no choice but to accept.
A couple of hours/days later in LaJolla, California. Deadpool is breaking into the Dominus Corporation, while singing Who can it be now by Men at Work. He is seen on the monitors by the B.A.D. Girls. Diamondback warns her colleagues that Deadpool is very dangerous. Asp is not impressed: “So are we.” Black Mamba concludes that they can’t allow Deadpool to steal the hard drive terminal. Diamondback agrees, because they are in the middle of stealing it themselves.
Hanging from a rope in a white room, Deadpool comments on how incredibly white the room is. The Ku Klux Klan could hide themselves in it and it’s clean enough for Felix Unger to lick the floor. He feels rather exposed in his black and red costume. Diamondback replies that he should and attacks him from above, kicking him in the lower back. Deadpool is offended: only he is allowed to do dirty sneak attacks.
Diamondback responds that cheating is allowed these days. Deadpool thinks he knows her and asks her if he had sex with her and left her in a motel in Dubuque. Asp enters and replies that, if Diamondback did, she is now out of the group. Asp fires her bioelectric sting at Deadpool. Deadpool wants to call her a bitch, but Black Mamba tells him not to say it. Deadpool replies that he wanted to call Asp a biscuit, rambling on while being distracted by Black Mamba’s cleavage before being overcome by her Darkforce powers that summon his deepest desires (“funny-bone flavored beer?”).
His darkest desire turns out to be even more disturbing. He sees a beach and wonders if this is the dream where he eviscerates Anette Funicello with Frankie Avalon’s toenails, but in fact he sees himself giving Cable a massage.
Amazingly, at the same time, Cable is receiving a similar message from a woman on Providence. Irene Merryweather jokes that he has turned from a soldier to a metrosexual. Cable responds that he carries 200 pounds of techno-organic material around all day. Irene apologizes and moves on to today’s agenda: trade agreements with Australia and Japan, and Johann Kriek wants to talk about immigration quotas. Cable replies that he will meet him, but he doesn’t want any quotas. Irene points out that their living space is limited. Cable points out that Providence is artificial and that he can always add some more parts to it.
Irene wants to know why. Cable wants as many people as want to forge a new future and the island will have to be big enough for all of them. Irene is worried that the governments of the world will be agitated about the non-stop flow of people to Providence. Cable replies that people come here of their own free will. Irene points out that Cable uses any form of media available to extend his invitation to any and all. Cable blames his loss of telepathy. Irene tells him that the governments of the world will lose patience soon. Cable answers that they will find out that he lost patience a long time ago.
Back in the Dominus Corporation, Deadpool wakes up from his soft-erotic fantasy about Cable and wonders if he said it all out aloud. The look on the B.A.D. Girls faces tells him enough. Deadpool tries to prove his masculinity to them and blames Black Mamba’s Darkforce for the homoerotic fantasies, but then notices that Diamondback is using an electronic lockpick and asks them if they are breaking into this place like he is. Diamondback corrects him and tells them that they are doing it successfully unlike him. He just thought they were the prettiest security guards ever and tells them to forget about the hard drive and he will show them a real hard drive.
Asp wants to know if he ever shuts up. Diamondback doesn’t think so. Black Mamba is willing to shut him up if necessary, but Diamondback wants to focus on the mission and they will forget about Deadpool soon enough. The vault opens and Asp tells the others that there is a problem: there is no hard drive there. Diamondback tells her that all their info told them that it should be there and checks the log. She finds out that a freelance security scrubber worked on it twenty minutes ago. She tells her colleagues how Dominus doesn’t trust its own personal with all its info, nor the freelancers and therefore every one of them only receives a small piece of information.
Meanwhile, Deadpool has freed himself. The girls conclude that the scrubber took the hard drive. One of them asks if nobody else could have taken it between the time the scrubber left and they entered. Deadpool tells them that it was a twenty minute window: who would be that good? Diamondback responds that they are. Deadpool wonders why they are empty-handed then.
Diamondback wants to know if Deadpool wants to fight. Deadpool doesn’t want to fight; he wants to prove his masculinity and drops his pants. The B.A.D. girls are shocked to see he’s wearing yellow, women’s panties. Deadpool is embarrassed and tells them that he let his laundry slide. He then tries to convince them that he is even more of a man for wearing these, but the girls leave him behind.
The B.A.D. Girls are fighting security guards in search for the hard drive, while Diamondback hacks into the computer to find the identity of the freelance cleaner. Black Mamba thinks this is far too complicated and there should be an easier way. Deadpool has found an easier way: he’s beating up the vice-president of accounting for information. The man tells him that he doesn’t know the freelancer’s name, but he knows that he is on his way to Long Island. He begs Deadpool to stop hitting him and he will do his taxes for 5 years. Deadpool asks for 10. The vice-president agrees, but Deadpool tells him he doesn’t pay taxes and knocks him out.
Providence, Cable and Johann are talking while Johann tests one of the advanced guns Cable has provided. He tells Cable that he will need more of these if he keeps letting people on to the island. Cable explains that it wouldn’t be a haven if people couldn’t come here and maximizing the population is all part of his plan. When Johann wonders what the plan is, Cable jokes about his secret, insidious plan to rule the world. Cable shoots a clay pigeon. Johann tells Cable that he can’t tell whether he is joking or not. Cable thinks for a moment, then asks Johann to prepare a skimmer jet for takeoff.
Deadpool has followed the freelance computer cleaner to the Rand-Meachum Corporation on Long Island. He has taped up the security guards with duct tape and goes on about how he loves duct tape and keeps saying duct tape. He doesn’t notice that another man is following him. Deadpool enters the office and sees a man lying on the floor, tied up, gagged and blindfolded. Deadpool asks the man if he is an office drone or the hired cleaner.
The man asks Wade if it is really he. Deadpool tries to deny it, but the cleaner recognizes his voice. Deadpool is annoyed: everybody recognises his voice due to the De-mee like gravelling sound and the funky yellow text balloons. He doesn’t recognize the gagged voice of the man before him and removes the gags. The man turns out to be Deadpool’s friend and sometimes sidekick Weasel. Weasel calls Wade an idiot. Wade asks if Weasel was the cleaner hired to steal the hard drive. Weasel tells him that he was the cleaner hired to clean the hard drive: he didn’t steal it.
Wade wants to know what the Dominus Objective is. Weasel responds that it is what Deadpool was hired to steal: a secondary hard drive that acts as a virus that acts as a server. Deadpool doesn’t understand the techno-babble and tells Weasel that once repaired a TV by kicking it. Weasel ignores him and tells him that he was doing a routine job here when he was knocked out and now he wants to access Rand-Meachum’s data to find out whether any data was stolen. The man following Deadpool before is now eavesdropping on their conversation.
Deadpool asks Weasel why he thinks it was a man that knocked him out; he knows that a six year old girl could knock out Weasel. Weasel is certain that no six-year old girl knows a one-finger poke that can paralyze a human like it did Weasel. Deadpool tells Weasel that he didn’t see anybody when he broke in. A voice behind him tells Deadpool that Weasel was lying: nothing was stolen from Rand-Meachum’s computers, but something was added.
The voice belongs to Danny Rand and he wants to know why Weasel infected his computers with the Dominus Objective. His friend, Luke Cage, threatens to hit them if they don’t tell them what they want to know. Deadpool manages a “Sweet Christmas, I’m gonna get a whuppin’!”