(fourth wall break, addressing the reader)
On the title page, Deadpool and Bob stand posed back to back, explaining the events leading up to this final adventure. Bob introduces himself as someone that doesn't have time to blog but does have time to pose. Deadpool mentions the nice vignette they have of their so-called legless supporting cast standing behind them. Bob continues by introducing Wade Wilson, the Merc with a Mouth, only for Wade to interrupt him and chide the audience if they were so late to the book that they didn't already know this.
Bob moves past this to explain that Wade works for the private investigator company Agency X. It is run by the weight challenged Alex Hayden aka Agent X with his “Girl Friday” Sandi, and the pilot/driver Outlaw, who's an all-around great gal. Wade interjects that Bob just likes her rack, to which Bob admits but stands by his “great gal” comment. Last and always least is Weasel, Wade's pal and weaponeer. Wade, Bob and Weasel went to the Savage Land to procure technology that would help Cable's former country of Rumekistan. Wade brags about getting to kick some dino ass, and Bob admits that they encountered some problems that lead to said dinosaurs running around Manhattan. Wade claims that urban dino ass-kicking is even better. Finally, Bob concludes that these dinos were exposed to a symbiotic alien that transformed them into...
Symbiote-covered velociraptors do their best to eviscerate Deadpool and Spider-Man, as a horrified Weasel and Bob look on. What did you do? Spider-Man yells to Deadpool. An offended Wade rebukes Spider-Man on jumping to conclusions and assuming that Wade is responsible. Does two plus two equal five all of a sudden? Spider-Man repeats the question and Wade admits to accidentally teleporting these dinosaurs into midtown Manhattan. He assures Spider-Man that he had nothing to do with the venom look-alike gig, though. Weasel confirms this from below the carnage. Spider-Man sarcastically comments how great it is that he has sidekicks now, to which Wade corrects him that they are his loyal supporting cast. Wade didn't even have to make a deal with Mephisto to have it either, he tells a perplexed Spider-Man.
As Deadpool continues to battle the raptors with a katana, he comments that the whole alien underoos thing was Spider-Man's shtick. Spider-Man explains that they are a race of alien symbiotes that bond to a host like chest hair to David Hasselhoff. Wade retorts that even Spider-Man's pithy references have been time-twisted, confusing him, but Spider-Man has no idea what he's babbling about. Wade tells him to forget it and switches topics back to the dinosaurs. What kind of powers do they have? Spider-Man lists off super-speed, strength, agility and indestructibility, but fire and sonics really bother them. Deadpool suggests that if they are weak to sonics they should subject them to the painful experience of listening to the Jonas Brothers, but thinks that the ASPCA would get on his case for that.
Wade gleefully remarks that these things are like his dream arch-nemesisisis...or nemesisisi--? He can keep pummeling, gouging, eviscerating, and mutilating them and they will still keep coming. A raptor above Wade bites down onto his right hand that is holding his pistol. That's my favorite gun, Wade proclaims before firing through the top of the dino's skull. He then yells to Spider-Man that he found a new weakness—lobotomizing them. He shoots a raptor giving Spider-Man a hard time through the head and bets that Spider-Man wishes he thought of doing that years ago. He tells Spider-Man that there is no need to thank him as he stabs another raptor in the head.
Spider-Man replies that shooting like a trigger-happy maniac, endangering innocent lives and annihilating endangered species is totally his thing. He suggests that they start thinking big picture and asks if he can trust Wade to avoid shooting civilians as he slaughters the poor rampaging dinosaurs. He admits to himself that that was a stupid question and tells Wade not to do anything until after he takes a look around. As he swings away, he threatens to come down on Deadpool if he sees Wade screwing up. Ah, go web your zipper closed, Wade mutters.
Are we safe? Weasel asks from the dumpster he and Bob have been hiding in. You're always safe with me around, claims Deadpool. Weasel exits the dumpster and says that he has been thinking about how to stop the dinosaurs. Teleported objects retain a tachyon particle signature. Deadpool interrupts the boring science explanation, telling Weasel to go ahead and do his Bill Nye thing while he and Bob stop the dino-hordes. A nervous Bob tries to get out of this plan by saying that maybe Weasel might need him. However, he is suddenly grabbed by the tentacle of a rampaging symbiote Triceratops. As Bob is dragged away screaming for his life, Deadpool remarks how brave it is for Bob to go chasing that Triceratops like that. Weasel tells Wade to go save Bob from his own bravery, while he starts reversing the polarity… Head ache now, Wade interjects as he goes into action.
Weasel decides to call Alex at Agency X. As dinosaurs continue to rampage outside, Alex answers the ringing phone at his place of business and starts into a sales pitch about how, for a nominal fee, they can provide security from the stampeding reptiles. He quickly realizes it's Weasel on the phone and unenthusiastically agrees to his unheard proposals. Outlaw and Sandi ask what the situation is from outside his office, and Alex explains that Weasel asked him to call the Fantastic Four, the Avengers, or SHIELD to help him assemble a tachyon polarity reverse field generator. However, he won't do it until they've gotten a few calls for corporate security support and he has a few more twinkies. Outlaw chastises him, saying that Alex needs to get back on the bull. Deadpool is out there tryin' to do the right thing, while Alex is sitting there looking to cash in and pig out. If he doesn't get back on the bull, he's going to lose everything he's worked to build here.
Back on the streets, Irene Merryweather wonders what's going on, as dozens of people shove her aside in there panic to run away. What they are fleeing soon becomes apparent as a big T-Rex lumbers down the road with a jubilant Deadpool hanging off its symbiote tendrils. Wade shouts out to Irene, going into a long exposition of her history. Explaining out loud, he recounts her former reporter background, turning into chief of staff for his former best friend Cable (former co-star of this now solo team-up book who died and came back in a successful cross-over that he wasn't invited to). She now works to maintain democracy in the nation of Rumekistan, Cable's Eastern European nation-building experiment. A very irritated Irene yells at Wade, asking him what he did. This gains the attention of the Symbiote-Rex and leads to a terrified Irene running for her life. The dinosaur extends dozens of tendrils that Deadpool heroically leaps in front of to prevent the skewering of Irene. Ow! Ow! Ow! Wade remarks upon the squishing noises of his body being massively penetrated. You okay sweetie?
I think I peed my pants, Irene admits. Wade claims he does that all the time, because after all, why would he want to miss the commercials. The tendrils raise Wade up towards the waiting open maw of the T-Rex, and Wade remarks on the major dog-breath emanating from his seeming doom. Suddenly, several energy blasts strike the dino from behind, saving Wade. Ms. Marvel and Wonder Man hover slightly away and Carol asks Deadpool what he did now. Ms. Marvel and Mr. Wonderful, my fellow Avengers, exclaims Wade. Wonder Man corrects Wade on both his name and that Wade is not an Avenger. Deadpool argues that he registered and that should make him part of the Initiative. That means he is a loyal goose-stepper to this vague analogy of current events. You're an idiot, remarks Carol. A disheveled Deadpool looks up at the skin tight costumed figure of Ms. Marvel and claims that may be, but he's an idiot with a great view. He also points out that killing the dinosaur did not stop the symbiote, as the one covering the T-Rex slips into the sewers.
What a surprise, you know more than you let on, says Ms. Marvel. Wonder Man follows up that they also know who Irene is as well. Deadpool admits that the dinosaurs are his bad, but then pointedly asks if they can explain how they got all symbioted. Wonder Man seems a bit embarrassed by this remark, and Wade whispers to Irene that he has them on the ropes. Time for her to break out the diplomatic immunity card. Uh... stammers Irene. You don't have diplomatic immunity, do you? Carol grabs Wade's shoulder and claims they don't have time for all this. Both Wade and Irene are coming with them to answer a lot of questions when this is all over. Deadpool argues back that how about he asks just one question on the O’ Reilly Factor… How did the Avengers fail to prevent killer alien snot from leaking all over Manhattan? How about I ask that one boss? A very irritated Carol sneers at him and simply remarks that there is work to be done. Deadpool concludes that, rather than standing here watching her pretty pert lips flapping about, they should go be heroes.
Up in the air, the Human Torch lobs a fireball at a Symbiote-infested Pterodon. He remarks that just when you get to the point that you think you've seen it all... Reed Richards yells from the nearby Fantasticar for Johnny to be careful, as it's registering highly anomalous readings. Johnny yells back that he should hope so as it's not for nothing they call him the Human Torch. He punctuates that statement with a blast of fire towards the creature, causing the symbiote to detach itself. Sue Richards remarks on this fact, while Reed asks her to secure it with an invisible lasso while he sucks it into his high pressure extraterrestrial containment unit. As the symbiote is sucked into this vacuum looking device, Deadpool flies up on the back of Wonder Man like he's on a surf board. Ms. Marvel carries Irene and hands her to Sue in the Fantasticar. Wade comments that device Reed used is cool and he thinks he's seen one just like it on a porno site. I find that highly unlikely, starts Reed before Sue tells him not to humor Wade.
Human Torch turns to fight a second Pterodon until it spits a piece of the symbiote at Johnny's face. Gross! Dino loogie, Johnny complains before realizing that he doesn't feel so good. His flame suddenly extinguishes but Reed catches him before he falls too far. Reed postulates that the symbiote must have released some kind of toxin. Wade laments having to leave the brawny shoulders of Wonder Man as he roughly leaps off and flips onto the back of the Symbiote Pterodon. As he stabs the creature through the head with his sword, he tells Reed that he believes the proper grammatical term is symbiont. He learned it from Howard Stern. As the Pterodon starts plummeting to the ground, Wade remarks to himself that maybe stabbing its brains while in midair was not very smart. At least it's pretty fun and if he has to go out some way, it might as well be in style.
Deadpool crashes amongst an ongoing fight between the Avengers and a herd of various dinosaurs. He is pleasantly surprised to be alive and notices that he is being addressed by the Thing. Ben Grimm is holding back the foot of a huge Brontosaurus and asks Wade if he's just going to sit there picking daisies or if he's going to help show this creep what time it is? Wade is taken aback that the Thing, ever loving idol of millions, is asking him to help out. Maybe he finally belongs.
From the diary of Agent X: Ill-fitting clothes from poor overseas manufacturing or possibly a result of a few extra pounds. Unlikely, being that he's a trim, lean fighting machine. Note to self: start just say no to ten more twinkies diet. Sandi and Outlaw need me and they were right about me rediscovering Alex Hayden.
The obese Agent X wears a traditional sumo wrestling loincloth and stares down at the street where the two girls are fighting for their lives against a pack of symbiote dinos. He braces himself and flip dives multiple stories from the building. He thinks to himself: grace and sinew match, reflexive memory functions like coiled pistons of driven steel. Okay, actually a bit chilly. Note to self: wear underwear beneath loincloth. He lands with a boom onto a pack of the dinos. Sandi marvels that Outlaw's little speech did the trick and Outlaw agrees. Agent X stands in a crater of concrete surrounded by defeated dinos. Did someone call for Agent X, master of kung-fu, tai-kwon-do, jeet-kun-do and apparently sumo wrestling? Well you got him, because I'm back baby! Which dinosaur wants to get eaten first?
In Times Square, Bob is screaming profusely. The Triceratops continues to drag him unwillingly around by its symbiote tendrils. A news crew films the spectacle of the onslaught of rampaging dinosaurs, which they say has left Manhattan yearning for heroes. As Bob enters the frame of the cameras, the tendrils fling him skyward to slam into the back of a billboard. He hangs onto the bottom out of desperation and the charging Triceratops momentum tears the giant sign down and onto the back of itself. The resultant electrical discharge from the severed cables electrocutes the beast killing it and the symbiote. Bob crouches down unsure of what just happened as the reporters describe the scene of the daring and stunning maneuver that has downed the dinosaur. They rush over and shove microphones in his face, asking if the H on his Hydra uniform stands for hero because that is what he truly is today. Bob quickly stands up and declares the H does stand for hero as that is what he truly is. His cell phone rings which he quickly realizes is from his wife Alison. The message reads that she saw him on TV and that it was SO hot. Call me <3.
Back at the battle with the Avengers, Deadpool marvels at the other heroes fighting together. Ms. Marvel and Mr. Wonderful, Spider-woman and the Thing, Dude I Don't Know (Ares), the Sentry and the Wasp. All of them fighting together with me right beside them. When you come right down to it he doesn't even feel out of place. Of course, maybe standing next to ice cold super spy Black Widow might alleviate some of the out-of-place thing a bit, but even so, they don't look at him funny. She says cover my flank and he doesn't make a joke about it. He simply does it. The heroes continue to slice, shoot, and punch the horde of creatures, including Wade throwing a few grenades while covered in mini dinosaurs. The grenades go off in another dinos mouth just in time for him to be swatted by a large brontosaurus tail. As he flies through the air, he concludes that he does this fighting so well because, even though he may be an annoying, brain-addled, absurdly conflicted individual, he can still kick ass better than the best of them.
Wade lands in a pile of garbage, realizing that he had said the sound effects of fwooshing through the air out loud. A couple more mini dinos look on Wade, who declares them pesky and decides it must be about those port-a-potties Mayor Bloomberg is going on about. He looks up and sees a bright light appear, followed by a spear crashing into ground in front of him. Attached to the spear is a note that reads: To Wade, I thought you could use this. From the Future. Wade picks up the spear and thinks to himself that Cable didn't forget the little people who worked so hard to make him a top selling solo star. He stabs at the mini dinos whose symbiotes abruptly disintegrate. Wade admires that Cable would come up with a humanitarian weapon solution. He had told him about the Psimitar working off of psychic energy. He can mind-fry the symbionts and turn them into epileptic drinkable yogurts to be bottled up, and also save the day besides.
As Sentry, the Thing and Ms. Marvel struggle with a large brontosaurus, Deadpool rushes over with the Psimitar. He saves Wonder Man from a pack of tendrils before leaping up onto the massive brontosaurus. It's the Loch Ness Monster he remarks. Cool he says out loud. Cool says a black thought text box. Hello, inquires the normal yellow thought text box. Hellloooo.... teases the mysterious black thoughts. Now that is odd says Wade as he continues battling the dinosaur. Tendrils surround him as the black text tells him to shut up, to which Wade declares these thoughts odd and rude. Wade jumps onto the head of the creature and thinks that it is time to make like Eddie Murphy in tackling that dirty toilet in Daddy Day Care. More like John McClane in Die Hard suggests the black box. Yeah that's a better example admits Wade before realizing that his normal caption boxes are supposed to be yellow not black. What is going on here? The Psimitar absorbs the symbiotes psychic energy, amassing, building to the point that...
Deadpool is overcome by the symbiote mind and his facial features convert into that of the many toothed and long-tongued signature of the symbiotes. I want to eat your brain, it shouts! The yellow thought boxes indicate that Wade is fighting back. No... barely enough... to make a petit four... must... call... upon... Shatnerian reserves... and... fight... back...
NO!!! shouts the symbiote as Wade stabs himself into his brain with the Psimitar. He gifts everyone with one more out loud sound effect. Gusshkt! The energy of the act causes a bright psychic backlash destroying the symbiote in Wade and on the dinosaur. The loud scream is thought by Ms. Marvel to be the symbiote but Thing identifies it as Wade. As Wade falls to the ground, losing consciousness, he corrects Ms. Marvel that it is actually symbiont. He thinks to himself that the symbiote knew about his healing factor and that it would allow it to live forever. It would have made him... it an unstoppable brain-eating machine. Normally that might sound like a good idea... but not anymore.
He wakes up to the heroes and Irene staring down at him. You okay, Irene asks. Never better, he answers. He starts to get up and Ms. Marvel says that as much as it pains her to say it, Wade did a good job. Wade knows it was hard but thanks her for saying it and also he has always loved how that red sash works on her hips. He then notices the absence of the dinosaurs and begs them not to tell him they thought one of them was Devil Dinosaur and that all 70s throwbacks get offered Avengers membership. Thing explains that Weasel and Reed reversed the tachyon polarity blah blah blah. Headache now says Wade. Welcome to my life agrees Thing. There remains some questions about your status continues Ms. Marvel. You mean I can join the Avengers? Wade asks hopefully. No, she means... Never mind just go far away, she concludes. Thing at least tells Wade to come to poker night on Friday but that he should bring his own beer. Alcohol is not becoming to a super-hero, Mr. Grimm says Wade. He'll bring a keg.
Days later, Wade flips through the channels on his television. Several news reports are still discussing the alien dinosaurs and that the mercenary Deadpool was somehow involved. Click. He is disappointed that the next station discussing the sexiest woman alive is not Bea Arthur. Weasel enters the room and asks why he didn't go to the poker night given it is Friday. Wade says that it was nice just to be invited, but he'd rather hang out here. Irene sits down next and reaches for a cold beer as Wade thanks her for coming.
The news station in the background begins reporting on the violent history of the one known as Deadpool. Bob joins the group, followed by the members of Agency X. They explain that Alex is now on a strict diet and Wade assures them he has all of the rabbit food they could want. He even has... light beer... Also, he thought they were going to talk to Alex about taking off the loincloth but they tell him it is a long story. Sandi tells Wade he did good out there. Thanks he says, before asking what they all want to watch.