Chaos envelops the Agency X office. Deadpool backflips while shooting at his obese employer Alex, Agent X. Bullet wounds and shurikens decorate both combantants and office supplies fly through the air. As Alex brings down a large axe onto what was once his desk, a bored quartet of Weasel, Sandi, Outlaw and Bob sit on the couch, watching the scene. Weasel half-heartedly asks if this involves contract negotiations and the two girls nonchalantly confirm.
Wade screams for his wide-load boss to "Show me the money!" Alex chides Wade for using an anarchic reference and suggests that he try watching TMZ in order to “get with it.” Alex explains that if Wade stopped taking so many pro bono jobs, then he would have something to pay Wade with and something to pay him for. Besides, the hourly rates of using the Fantastic Four's time-travelling equipment are very, very steep.
Wade grapples Alex from behind and holds up a shoddily hand-written piece of notebook paper, which reads that Deadpool will shoot, stab, kick and head butt stuff for money. Add twenty-five cents per useless pop-culture quip. Wade argues that he has done this, including many quips, and asks if Dr. Strange paid for the whole soul-repo job. As Alex falls back to his with the time-machine rates defense again, Wade counters that there is no way the Fantastic Four charge for that. C'mon! He has rent to pay and porn and ammo to buy.
Hasn't Hydra paid for Bob's ransom yet, Wade asks as Irene Merryweather obliviously walks through the front door. Excuse me... she inquires before having to duck a hail of bullets. Alex explains to Wade that Hydra responded that they can't pay ransom in monthly installments because of some accounting issues. Wade notices Irene and suddenly stops the fight to ask her if she got his message. She confirms that she did, but informs him that there are laws against the international transfer of pornographic materials... Moving on from Wade's continued talk about porn, Irene brings up Cable's death. He'll probably be back once they have a big crossover, Wade assure her. Confused, Irene instead continues that she has been working in Rumekistan, the small European country that Cable liberated, with the newly elected president by the Dayspring Initiative, a platform based on Cable's beliefs. "And you want me to assassinate him?" Irene quickly shoots down Wade's suggestion and Alex jumps in to volunteer instead.
Frustrated, Irene explains that part of the initiative involves securing lost or abandoned weapons caches before they are found by terrorists. Weasel speaks up that this would seriously drive up the prices. Irene continues that they also want to secure abandoned weapons bases or science labs before they fall into the wrong hands. One base, built by Magneto, that's of particular interest is in the Savage Land. Magneto must be stopped and only Deadpool's insider X-Men expertise can take him out, Wade wrongly concludes. Irene describes the bases electro-polarity reconfiguration engine, a device that siphons energy from the Earth's magnetosphere and transforms it into electricity. She thinks this technology could revolutionize the energy industry and, since the U.N. cannot contact Ka-Zar to allow Rumeki scientists in, she has decided to hire Agency X.
Alex asks if he can wear loin-cloths and Irene reluctantly agrees as long as the job gets done. They can't pay very well and it may be too ambitious but Irene believes that it is what Cable would have done. Wade ponders a moment and very seriously stands up and assures Irene that of course they'll do it. Thank you, Wade. Deadpool commands Bob and Weasel to get their loin-cloths ready! Cowering behind Alex, Bob confirms that he meant to say Bob and not Alex. Alex protests that he called first dibs on the loin-cloth. Sear that in my brain, snarks Wade before dismissing Alex as a giant chicken nugget meal for a T-Rex. Weasel on the other hand views this as a perfect opportunity to test his new Pene-traitor technology. It can teleport multiple targets to a destination by attuning itself to specific wavelength polarities. Easy as pie!
Soon after, the trio teleport into the middle of the Savage Land jungle. Confirming that they have arrived, Wade cannot wait to kick a dinosaur's ass. They need to pay for allowing Jeff Goldblum to survive two Jurassic Park movies. Why should “Earth girls be easy” for him but not for Wade? Wait... he means of course they are. Bob informs Wade that his HMO does not cover dinosaur bites. Deadpool compliments Bob, saying that his Hydra training has made Bob into the best stealth operative he has ever met. He sometimes cannot find Bob anywhere. Bob asks if he can go be stealthy now and Wade tells him to wait for it...
Suddenly, a giant, carnivorous dinosaur bursts through the foliage! Okay, Bob, go for it! Maybe this native can show us where Magneto's base is? Weasel questions Wade on whether the dinosaurs here are sentient and Wade responds that they are no more so than the rest of them... The trio's savior arrives in the form of a large sabretooth tiger, leaping out of the shadows and tearing out the throat of the large lizard. Bob panics and exclaims that he must take evasive action 423, to hide behind the person in front of him. Weasel encourages Wade to shoot the intimidating beast but Wade swears this sabretooth seems familiar. Heck, if Ka-Zar lived his whole life in the Savage Land, surely they can last five minutes.
Grr? The sabretooth tilts its head in recognition of Ka-Zar's name. Wade finally recognizes the animal as Zabu. Where's Ka-Zar, boy? Did he fall into the well or get trapped on the railroad tracks? Did he get his loin-cloth stuck in the tractor? Grr? Wade agrees with Zabu that they have indeed used the word loin-cloth too many times in just a few pages. Zabu looks over his shoulder. Weasel sarcastically interprets this as Zabu telling them that his master is trapped in Magneto's base just a dozen feet away. Wade concludes that Magneto must be using Ka-Zar's loin-cloth power to take over the world. Whoops, he said it again...
Weasel asks what the game plan is and Wade lays out the facts. There are two-hundred ton lizards along the outer wall, pterodactyls guarding from an aerial assault, and probably an army of blood-thirsty mutants inside. So, the game plan is... Charge! Guns brandished, Wade runs towards the front door, singing out a crude version of a theme song starring Deadpool, Bob and Weasel. "Honey we're home," proclaims Wade as he kicks down the door.
Oh hey – Ka-Zar, Lord of the Savage Land. Deadpool continues to address the stern-looking, muscular man dressed in nothing but a loincloth and large hunting knife. I'm Deadpool. You probably already know that from the Savage Land Daily Gazette or YouTube. Looks like you've got everything taken care of here, so I'll just grab that Magneto-tron doohickey and get out of your flowing golden locks. Behind Ka-Zar stands two savage land mutates, the beautiful female Lorelei and the shabby-looking man Piper.
Ka-Zar draws his knife and attacks Wade the "outlander," who protests this label, proclaiming himself an American. Wherever democracy rears his head is where Wade calls home. Bob, in confusion, asks why Wade is fighting Ka-Zar and the gloating Piper explains that Ka-Zar has joined the mutates ranks, due to the hypnotic serenade of Lorelei. As Lorelei sings close to the tussling pair, Weasel zooms in on Lorelei's ample chest and claims that it certainly was her voice that got his attention. Piper reveals that his power is to control beasts with his flute and soon proves it by turning Zabu on a panic-striken Bob and Weasel. Ka-Zar chides Piper for talking too much and claims that the words will mean nothing to them, once they are all dead. With that, he pins Deadpool to the floor and drives his knife completely through the side of Wade's head.
Inside a control room filled with various dinosaurs, Brainchild has Shanna the She-Devil held captive. He claims to have predicted that so-called super-heroes would arrive once again to thwart his plans... but it is too late. By utilizing the electro-polarity technology, he will disrupt electrical signals all over the world in order to expand the Savage Land's domain. Shanna spits back at him that he hasn't won yet and that Ka-Zar and she will stop the power-mad mutate. My dear Shanna, Brainchild responds, your husband seems to be taking orders from another woman.
Bob provides chorus to the crooning Lorelei and Weasel snaps at him to stop ruining the mood by singing along. A stabbed and seemingly deceased Deadpool suddenly sits up, asking if someone had said the word Chimichanga? Never mind, it was just the sound of his skull and brains healing. Wait, he can't hear his own voice! Is my gift to the world gone? Grabbing Ka-Zar by the throat, Wade blames the golden-haired, well-toned, gorgeous jungle god before realizing that he said those descriptions out loud. Frustrated that he is lost without being able to hear his own witty banter, he throws Ka-Zar into Lorelei, interrupting her song with her yelp of pain.
Snapping back to his senses, Ka-Zar clamps his hand over Lorelei's mouth, claiming she missed that last note. Piper then sics Zabu on Ka-Zar, distracting him long enough for the two mutates to make a hasty retreat. Deadpool removes the knife in his head, realizing that he can still talk, and it was the knife through both his ears that was the problem. He wonders why no one said anything to him about it. An outraged Ka-Zar explains that Brainchild is behind all of this and that he and his wife tried to stop him from using the polarity engine to attack the outside world. Deadpool informs Ka-Zar that the engine is what they came for, so they can make poor eastern Europeans happy again. Ka-Zar denies them permission from walking out with that technology.
Brainchild, meanwhile, watches the conversation conclude on a monitor from his control room, as Deadpool corrects Ka-Zar that they were actually going to teleport out. He claims they should all split up to cover more ground and find the engine, and guesses that Ka-Zar is not going to apologize anytime soon for the head-stabbing.
Fools... contemplates Brainchild. With my superior intelligence, I can predict every move they're going to make. He then orders the four-armed Barbarus and frog-like Amphibius to deter Ka-Zar in the southeast corridor, while deeming that releasing the velociraptors will be enough for Bob and Weasel. As for the one called Deadpool, he'll most certainly be climbing the stairs... No... then surely the... hmm... not there, either... Impossible! I've thought of every logical possibility... every intelligent decision... How could he possibly outsmart me, questions Brainchild. Is Deadpool some kind of tactical genius?
Swimming through the sewer pipes, Deadpool labels his method as the Super Mario strategy. If it works for him, why shouldn't it work for Wade as well? A giant, crocodile-like dinosaur appears in front of Deadpool, blocking any further progress. Deadpool thinks that this is one hell of a guard dog and makes for a very convincing argument against his trying this approach. Wade's rebuttal comes in the form of a concussive grenade. The blast ruptures the pipes and sends Deadpool bursting out of a pipe, right into the room with the very machine Irene sent him to retrieve. Wade concludes that this must mean he is some kind of tactical genius.
Wade calls Weasel on his phone to give him the teleportation coordinates. On the other end of the call, Weasel is very eager to receive them, as he and Bob have managed to retreat onto some high ground, barely out of reach of a pack of raptors. Bob shoots his gun wildly with one hand over his eyes, as Weasel manages to teleport them both to Deadpool's location. Now reunited, Weasel instructs Wade to set up the teleportation device, while he hacks into the computer mainframe to download the blueprints and operation schematics. Wade asks what that other folder is, up in the corner of the display, and Weasel discovers that it is… Brainchild's porn collection?! They both want to know what kind of freaky stuff a guy dressed in a brown diaper that turns people into frogmen has stored.
Brainchild realizes that someone has accessed his... special files… and concludes that they must be in the control tower. He orders Piper to send his pets up there to give the outlanders a warm Savage Land welcome. In the control tower, Weasel incredulously comments that he will never look at a stegosaurus the same way again. Wade questions if he has looked at them in some way before but is distracted by the sudden company that has arrived. Walking out onto the narrow and incredibly high connection bridge, Deadpool faces down an army of dinosaurs in the thrall of Piper. Brainchild stands triumphantly beside him with a chained Shanna in tow. Wade yells to Bob to tell him what the Hydra handbook says about this situation, and Bob yells back from his hiding place that he'll go... check...
Brainchild gloats that their efforts are wasted. Magneto blessed him with the power to rule the world, and he'll surely reward him for his actions. Wade counters that just cause a crazy guy gave him power doesn't mean that he gave him a purpose. Brainchild claims that Deadpool can't change his destiny, and it looks like Wade is to become dinosaur food! Deadpool programs the teleport device he is holding to the coordinates of Genosha and yells out that, if Brainchild likes Magento so much, why doesn't he send him a little gift? Wade tosses the device into the middle of the dinosaur army and, in a flash of light, the army has disappeared.
Not so tough without your dinosaur army, taunts Deadpool. Brainchild claims to have other strategic gambits, but turns around to find that Ka-Zar and Zabu have freed Shanna and have chained up Piper. Blast, a defeated Brainchild exclaims! Lorelei, Barbarus and Amphibius suddenly fly under the bridge on pteradactyls and Lorelei yells for Brainchild to escape. Brainchild jumps, with Piper in tow, onto her beast, bluffing that this was just as he predicted. He yells back that this is but a small setback. Inevitably, victory will be his. Ka-Zar curses that Brainchild has managed to escape again. Deadpool assures him that he didn't and uses a pistol to shoot the pterodactyl's wing. This plunges the mutate towards the waiting mouths of several T-rexes.
Shaking the hand of a grateful Ka-Zar, Deadpool suggests that he try using some guns. Ka-Zar thanks him and tells him to give his regards to the X-Men. Wade says he'll definitely give his teammates the message, as he totally talks to them all the time. Shanna also informs Wade that her husband is sorry about stabbing him earlier. He’ll call them even if he lets them take Magneto's polarity engine, Deadpool replies. Machines don't kill people; people using machines kill people. We can use it to improve the outside world, as Ka-Zar wouldn't believe what a barrel of oil costs these days. The country Rumekistan, that hired them, just wants it for a better energy resource to churn butter or whatever. Also teach their children and worship a benevolent god. You're pushing it, warns Ka-Zar. So can we have it, asks Wade. Will it get you to shut up pleads Ka-Zar.
Wade...? Weasel asks with concern. Where did you send those dinosaurs? Genosha. Let Magneto deal with them, Wade answers. Isn't Magneto dead, questions Weasel. Wait till the crossover, starts Deadpool. Weasel cuts him off to inform him that it was actually the Genoshan embassy that he sent them to. Isn't that in Genosha? It's in Manhattan, exclaims Weasel! Oh, my bad, apologizes Wade.
On the streets of New York, a squadron of police cars and several superheroes are escorting an armored car. The Thing is driving the car and comments to himself how it is so much fun to be transporting some outer space goo from the Avengers HQ to the Fantastic Four so that Reed can do research on the thing. Let's also make him drive. Sure, bashful Ben Grimm's got nothin' better to do than to lead a convoy with some alien symbiote snot. Over the radio, Ms. Marvel asks Thing to hang in there. They are only a few blocks away, thankfully, because she could really use a good day for once.
At that precise moment, a bright light engulfs the street in front of the convoy and an army of dinosaurs stampedes towards them. What in the name of Aunt Petunia, yells Ben as he swerves the truck. Unfortunately, it is not enough and a Triceratops rams into the side of the vehicle, tipping it over. Then an Apatosaurus steps on top of it, releasing the venom symbiote out the back door and onto the dinosaur's legs. Ms. Marvel frantically tries to discover the conditions of Ben and the symbiote. Thing merely answers that he hates to say it but it looks like it's Clobbernin' Time! The army of dinosaurs is now covered in a rainbow of different symbiotes and they all look ready for a fight.
