Wade is stranded on Baron Zemo’s orbiting space platform, thanks to his former interns, who were actually super-wanna-bees from the Taskmaster’s Crime College. They left him fat, mind-wiped and jammed into a disabled escape pod, earning them an “A” in clever cliffhangers. Wade, while trying to bring himself into safety, sings “Sometimes I run… Sometimes I hide… Sometimes I’m scared of you…” Wade can hear the narrator saying, “is this curtains for that wily merc-with-a-mouth?” “How will he escape?” “Is Shelley Winters available to play him in the movie?” “Tune in tomorrow kids – same tune, same dead time – same dead channel!” “But first, a word from our sponsor.” (cue Nelson Riddle)
Wade finds an emergency disk and puts it into his space ship’s board computer. Most of the pod breaks apart, but Wade manages to steer himself out of the danger zone and happily waves his enemies goodbye. However, he still can’t remember his own name. Electa’s, or Deadweight as he prefers to call her, mind-wipe really gives him good buzz. He knows that they trained for that, and figured the “good” guys would have Zemo’s platform flagged. However, they set up a perimeter, looking to pinch him on the re-entry. But Wade doesn’t see the need of a re-entry. He is way too scrambled to even know which way he is going, even though he’s apparently heading towards the moon.
He is also seriously peeling out, but won’t start to mention about those ugly facts. He jokes that those Germans make some nasty warp engines. Suddenly, his pod hits something, but Wade doesn’t know what. But it has to be something big. Something big and invisible. Something like Puff Daddy’s talent. At the speed he is going, Wade realizes he couldn’t stop his “Deadpod” from bouncing along this invisible barrier, like a stone skipping across a pond. Though to be fair, Wade is too logy to much care. Before he passes out, he gets a look at what was hiding behind that cloaking field, and he wishes that he let Titania keep this stupid assignment. And he still wants a cookie.
Earth…
A deliveryman enters before the Dead-lounge. He asks if this is the secret hideout from Deadpool, the Constrictor and Titania, and also the sublet from Doctor Octopus. Frank answers the door and asks the deliveryman what he thinks. While carrying a giant box inside the lounge, the man jokes that, when you’ve seen one secret hideout, you’ve seen them all. Titania asks Frank if there has been any word on their friend Wade. Frank explains that SHIELD picked up the three interns that tagged along with him, but there is no word about Deadpool. But Frank believes that’s only a matter of time.
Skeeter knows that Frank doesn’t believe that more than she does. She states that Wade Wilson, their roommate and torturer, lives a charmed life. She mentions that Wade charged her 800 dollars to walk into the Taskmaster’s trap and, as her sources told her, Skeeter mentions that Wade shook Taskmaster down for another 600. She knows for sure that Deadpool is still alive. He has got to live long enough to rub everyone’s nose in it. She tells Frank to tip the delivery guy, but Frank doesn’t know what they did for him. Skeeter doesn’t want to go into it, but Frank is serious: they ordered a fridge, and they brought the fridge. He doesn’t want to pay some preset percentage above the cost of the thing for that.
Titania warns him not to go into it. He defends that the delivery guys charged them a delivery fee. A delivery fee! A fee which has the purpose of delivery, according to him. He apologizes but he just doesn’t see the point of it all. He believes that tipping is like a circular logic, like a time paradox. Titania tips the delivery guys, but warns them not to tell anyone where they are or else they’ll be dead before they can spend the money. The delivery guys promise they’ll be discreet. Titania is confident that Deadpool is coming back, with 1.4 million of her money in his bank. And when Wade does come back, he’s going to have to deal with her. Frank can’t believe Skeeter did that.
Space…
Wade believes he’s going insane. But luckily, he is still too dimwitted to be scared. All he sees is pretty lights, waiting to hear Regis shout “who wants to be a millionaire?!” Suddenly, another spaceship electrocutes Wade’s pod! Wade notices that the lights are getting brighter. He figures he’s going to pop out of the whiteness and that someone is going to tell him his luck has run out. But, the tingle in his shingle suddenly reminded him that none of this is really happening. Instead of being confused and disoriented, Wade figures to just go with it and see where the ride takes him.
Wade jokes that he has to walk towards the light. However, he makes a memo to himself to stop making fun of crash test dummies. He realizes that he’s got his marbles back. And, while sitting in a strange, green light, Wade realizes he has grown slim again as well! He thanks the Lord for that. For as everyone knows, his wit is his actual super-power. He guesses that the transport beam filtered out.
However, Deadpool finds himself surrounded by several alien creatures and panics a bit. He asks the aliens if they are in line for the N’Sync tickets. He apologizes for ramming their thug-boat up there. He mentions that they can file any claims with Baron Zemo on Earth. Though the guy is dead, Wade doesn’t think that should stop them. None of the aliens respond, causing Wade to think if they can understand what he’s saying. With an alien tongue, the aliens explain to each other that their prisoner must be from “that backwater planet” Earth. They suggest that they toss Wade back in space and watch him explode. Wade is willing to bet that this is a bad sign. He tells the horn-headed alien he pays him 700 grand for his part and he promises not to strangle him with their cute little swords.
The aliens becomes upset, wanting to split Wade apart instead. Wade sighs, joking that everybody wants to do it the hard way. He jokes that “Mister Snout” brought this on by himself. Wade moves closer to the alien and… kisses him! The alien gets disgusted, and Wade takes advantage of the confusion by shooting him. The alien is still alive, but stays on the ground until Wade is out of ammo. He jokes that it’s always like this when he’s having a good time. This means he’ll have to do it the old-fashioned way, and uses his gun to hit the alien on his head a couple of times! Another alien attacks, but Wade wastes no time on this one and starts beating him, and eventually kills the alien by breaking his arm.
Wade walks towards another alien and suggests that he helps him get a ride home. The first alien that attacked Wade wants to know who he is. Wade jokes that the first answer to the alien’s is that he’s got to shut up. He introduces himself. The alien gets up and decides that he gives Wade a tour around their ship. He reveals that all the aliens here are called the Last Men, the most feared band of plunderers in 12 galaxies. Wade noticed that. The alien further explains that every man on this ship is the last of their race, and that many have died because of them. Wade cheers for that, but wants to know why the aliens are sneaking around in an invisible cloak.
The alien claims that they’ve been planning to find a way to free their leader, who’s been imprisoned by a galactic moral council known as the Code! They make it to the control room of the ship. Wade wants to know why “the Code” name suddenly sounds so familiar to him. He asks the alien if he’s the boss until they rescued the original one. He confirms that, but knows he won’t be for long. He opens a video screen, and reveals to Deadpool that there exists something called the Penal Colony, where he wants Wade to liberate their leader from “Damnation City.”
Wade wants to know when he signed up for this gig. The alien confirms that’s because when Wade beat him, he became the most feared one amongst their band and now he has to lead them. Wade thinks he brought this on by himself. He hates it when that happens. He wants to know that if he helps to save the aliens’ boss, they’ll give him a ride home. The alien promises to do whatever Wade commands. That’s fine by Wade. Right now, he commands for Tic-Tacs… for everyone. He wants to know what the name of the leader is. The alien admits that their leader has many names: Violator of Worlds, Great Deathbringer, Daddy-killer and even Mon-Tel. But to the Last Men crew, he is referred to as…
skip a few hours later…
Wade finds himself in an ocean, trying to sneak into a maximum security prison which is located deep inside a barren asteroid. He remembers the ship is cloaked up again, so it’s hidden from detection, and he hopes his own cloaking device works as well. Actually, his biggest fear is the leader’s name. He can’t believe his name is “Dirty Wolff.” He believes he’s an idiot for trying to rescue a loser with that kind of name. He jokes that, as soon as he rescues the guy, he’ll make him change that codename.
Deadpool breaks open a hatch, and swims it up. He makes it into a bathroom and checks around. He notices a mirror, and sees that Loki’s curse still counts. He defeats one of the guards and steals his armor. He merges with the other security guards, in the hope to gain some information about Wolff’s holding cell. He notices a goat-like alien, who orders the guards to take away most of the prisoners for research. Wade believes this should make his job easier, and the only thing he’ll have to do is find an empty cell.
Wade looks around in the huge ship, and eventually finds Dirty Wolff, all alone and chained up in a cell. Wade asks if he’s the one he’s looking for. Dirty Wolff angrily admits his name, but wants to know who Deadpool is. Wade confirms that he isn’t a cop like all the other guards of this ship are, and that he’s there courtesy of the Last Men. Dirty Wolff jokes he must be being set up if that’s the case. Wade releases Dirty Wolff from his chains and tells him to go. He still feels a little hurt due to the beatings he took, but quickly manages to get himself back together.
Dirty Wolff shouts that he doesn’t want to leave without his bike. Wade doesn’t want to waste any more time, but Wolff is stubborn to take his bike back. They make it to the stockroom, where they find lots of animals locked up. Wolff spots an electrical chair and believes that’s exactly what he needs. He goes to sit on it and orders Wade to activate it. Wade thinks he’s dealing with a real psycho here, even crazier than he is, but activates it on full power.
The extreme surge causes the entire ship to get out of power, and all of its prisoners are free to escape from their formerly wired cells, and go on a riot! Dirty Wolff gets up, claiming the shocks are exactly what he needed to regain his full strength. The fight starts to surround them. Dirty Wolff is happy to be able to fight again, but Wade just wants to get out and go back home. He tries to make it back to his ship, but he notices that the blasters from this ship destroy his! He knew he shouldn’t have accepted this mission. Dirty Wolff tells Deadpool to cheer up, and welcomes him to the party.
