San Francisco, Deadpool’s house…
Blind Al impatiently calls out to Wade. He has activated his image inducer, and looks like an almost-normal man eating breakfast. He’s thinking. Deadpool wonders if anyone else ever gets the feeling that, by some bizarre cosmic twist of fate, every sweet ounce of common sense someone ever had sloshing away at their brainpan got evaporated through their pores all at once and left them a few peas short of a casserole?
Al again calls out to Wade. She begs him to stop Deuce from licking her face. But Wade just ignores her. Wade means, he thinks he has done a good thing… but all that what happened with Typhoid Mary back in New York, it’s got him second thinking.
Al threatens that she’s going to make German Shepard cakes for Wade for dinner if he doesn’t get the dog off her back. Wade still ignores her. He thinks that this isn’t what the “sort of good guys” are supposed to do… help insane women get back on track instead of just blowing them out of their keds with a bazooka? He means, that’s what Siryn did for him (minus the women technicality), so why wouldn’t he do the same for Typhoid? Still, Wade realizes that something isn’t that kosher. Mary took it a little too well for his liking.
Al begs Wade to get the dog off of her. She’s dying here. Wade, putting on his Deadpool uniform, mocks that things always have to be about Al, don’t they? “Deadpool, I forgot how to work the salt shaker again… Wade, I can’t stop bleeding… Help, I’ve fallen and can’t reach my beer! ” Wade doesn’t like that much. Al swears that, once she gets up, she’s going to make Wade’s life an undreamed of hell on Earth.
Wade is starting to get the impression that Al doesn’t like her present much. If she keeps up with this attitude, he might have to bring the dog back to its original owner. Al begs Wade to get Deuce away from her. She’ll do anything. Wade doesn’t think that’s necessary. Al already does everything: she’s the cook, the maid and… the prisoner. The next time they meet, Wade suggests that they’ll discuss table manners and the lost Brady episodes. For now, he plans on going back and figure this whole thing with Typhoid Mary out. He thanks Al for nothing. Next time, he’ll write dear Flabby. He teleports away, without helping Al out at all! Once he is gone, Al proudly stands up and looks the dog scarily in its eyes. She asks the dog if he has ever been fixed with a chainsaw. Deuce immediately bounces off, and leaves Al alone.
Queens, New York…
Deadpool teleports inside an old, abandoned warehouse. He meets up with Typhoid Mary, whom he had chained and sat her on a box, having left her alone for the entire time so far. He says hi to Mary, asking how she’s feeling. Typhoid doesn’t answer. She just smiles. Wade remarks that, apparently, Typhoid isn’t much of a morning person. He guesses that’s what you would call that “awkward moment the morning after.” But, at least, they won’t have to worry about morning breath, or who hogged the covers.
He walks up to a motion detector that he had put in front of Mary. Wade hopes that the detector didn’t keep her up, but the gun wouldn’t shoot itself. Wade managed to score them some breakfast, and asks Mary if she’s hungry. He jokes that, when you buy before ten, Achmed throws in a commemorative Gandhi falafel press… it flattens falafel peacefully. Mary still doesn’t say anything, but now she looks a little angrier.
Wade thinks that ends the small talk portion of his rambling. He guesses that Typhoid is waiting for an explanation as to why he set her up. That’s fine. He reveals that recently… he has had his outlook on life shifted a little eensy-teensy bit towards the positive. He jokes that they are talking minuscule here, like paramecium butt small, but still. As a result, Wade thought that, instead of letting Mary execute her revenge on Daredevil, he decided to help her like he would have been helped. Not in some B.S. psychobabble way like Mary was getting back at that asylum she was in, but in a knock-down tussle with her demons so Mary can come to terms with who she is.
Typhoid looks a little ashamed, but interested. Wade takes out a key and releases her. He knows that Mary was plenty P.O.ed but, unless he knows that she was all chilled out and ready to talk, he isn’t going to let her out. And, she’s going to starve to death and end up as rat food, which would sort of be the whole “him helping Mary help herself” thing put in actual counter-producing. He asks Mary what she thinks. Typhoid still remains silent, but now looks at Deadpool. He looks back, a bit unsure. Suddenly, Typhoid kisses him! Wade jokes that if he says “guh,” if he can have his lips back.
Weasel and some other mercs are talking about Deadpool. C.F. wants to defend Wade too, but isn’t sure. Fenway thinks that Wade left the field like a coward would, like a “say it ain’t so” disgrace. Weasel doesn’t think it was that bad. He means, what T-Ray did was the equivalent of a stupid prank. He wonders why Wade should waste ammunition retaliating against that? C.F. doesn’t think it actually was a prank: T-Ray burned Wade’s face off!
Typhoid confirms to Deadpool that she means it. What Wade has shown her about herself… no one has ever done that before. Not even Daredevil. She just wanted to thank Wade… in her own, unique style. Wade wonders if this thanking involves dream fulfillment of any kind. If it does, he’s got a few doozies. Mary moves closer to Wade’s face, smiling. She wants to show Wade who he really is, just like he showed her. She calls Wade a hero!
Wade asks if today is Sunday. He hopes he isn’t sporting Friday roos. Mary mentions that, somewhere in this city, a serial killer is on the loose. Every twenty minutes, an innocent person is going to die by that person’s hands. Wade doesn’t know why that should bother him. Mary explains that the killing won’t stop unless Wade stops her. And he has to do that, because stopping murders is what heroes do. Wade asks Mary to hold a minute, but then wants to know who the murderer is.
Mary smiles that Wade can take one guess. She takes out Deadpool’s wrist, and… snaps it! This isn’t good. Typhoid mentions to Wade that he’s already got Mary. Now, she wants to find out if Wade can handle Mary’s disease. She jumps out of the window, with her sword ready for the use. She hopes that Wade can make it to the upcoming party.
Deadpool tries to hold her back, but with no such luck. This isn’t good. And just when Wade thought he was getting good with women. This has gotten him a really bad feeling. He takes his broken wrist, turns it around and, though it’s painful, manages to turn it back to normal! Wade thinks that this event might not have been the best of his kooky madcap schemes.
En attendant, dans Paris…
Oú une conversation a lieu. Une conversation de la haute importance. Gerry est parler avec un vieux homme.
Gerry crois que les écrivains des X-Files, pas Carter, c’est un faux. Il veut dire le vrai truc, les vrais écrivains savez-vois ce qu’il leur est arrive. Le vieux homme s’excuse. Gerry dit c’est cela, c’est vrais. Personne ne sait. C’est a quel point ils sont bons. C’est comme si les écrivains ne nous ont jamais donne l’épisode du Cafard.
Gerry crois c’est parce qu’ils sont appris a verite de ce qu’il y avait la, juste qu’ils ne savaient pas que ça avait des dents. Gerry dis Wade qu’il est dans ils point de mire, et maintenant, c’est fini. Totalement fini. L’homme demande Gerry si il est parler avec lui. Il ne comprend pas. Gerry dit il ne fais pas, mais l’homme peut vient un jour… il veut vient un jour. L’homme appele un agent, parce qu’il crois Gerry est mauvais.
(Deadpool, while covered in shadows, jumps over a wall. He thinks he can fix this. He knows he can. He knows that Mary is just bluffing. She has to be. Maybe he’s on candid camera or something, and Mary will pull off her face and she’s really Allen Funt. But, probably not going to happen. Either way, he’ll catch up with her any second, and this earlier section will be translated at the end of the summary)
Back to normal reality…
After following Typhoid Mary’s trail for a while, Deadpool lands on a roof, and steps into a pile of blood. He looks up, and finds the corpse hanging on a flagpole! Maybe Typhoid wasn’t kidding after all. Wade doesn’t think that his intention of “conquering old demons” is going to work out. She duped him real good. But, it’s fine by him if Mary wants to play a little game of cat and mouse. He’ll give her a game. But, they aren’t playing with Typhoid’s rules anymore. She is in Deadpool’s house now!
He continues his search. After jumping across a few other rooftops, he finds Typhoid right below him! She notices Wade too, and laughs, wondering what is going to happen next. It’ll be fifteen tick-tocks until they find out.
At a place where compasses and clocks cease to function. It’s the Psi-lab of Landau, Luckman & Lake, called Fleshwerks! Monty is in psychic contact with Typhoid. He doesn’t know what her “tick-tock” remark means. Noah fears that this is a very bad situation. He knew they should have never let Deadpool get that close to Typhoid. Zoe isn’t interested in the “what ifs.” What happened, happened. She thanks Monty for the update, and wants to be kept informed. She turns around, and notices a file lying on the ground, which reads “Mithas Directive – Stage One.”
Suddenly, Zoe leaves! Noah asks where she’s going. She just responds that she’s going to Chicago and fix some things.
Queens, thirteen minutes later…
Deadpool has again lost track of Typhoid. He stands on a church clock, and takes out his binoculars hoping to find Mary. After a while, he finds Mary…. talking to a Father! She tells the unexpecting old man that she can help him if he wants to…. in any way possible. The father, realizing what Typhoid is talking about, thinks they need a little talk. Mary agrees. She asks the father about the time, as she’s expecting someone. The father does his best but has a hard time, since he’s having a terrible time with digital watches. Mary takes out her sword, and prepares to kill the priest!
Deadpool jumps down, and angrily kicks Mary in her face! The kick is so hard, that she falls through a glass window from a bar. She soon gets up again though, and informs Wade that it’s time for her favourite part of the story: the climax!
San Francisco, Deadpool’s house…
Weasel is nearby it, though he isn’t sure what he’s doing there. He wonders whatever happened to the life-and-let-fester Weasel of old. He wonders why he doesn’t go to a shrink, if he needs to talk about Wade. At that moment, Blind Al lets Deuce out to do his business in the yard. She warns him to do no funny stuff, or else Wade can go get him a Tagamotchie and have a ball of fur in return!
Weasel walks up to Al, and introduces him. Al panics. Weasel notices that Deuce is doing his business on… Al’s shoes! Al doesn’t want to hear a word about it.
Wade tries to make Typhoid drop her sword, but she doesn’t listen. She fears that, afterwards, Wade might take her to the authorities, as that’s what heroes do. But villains, they stay in the battle and wreck some havoc. And thanks to Wade, she has a new hobby. She lashes out to a bystander, and almost kills the old man!
Luckily, Wade puts his hand in front of the sword, though the sword now goes through his hand. His piano career is ruined, but at least he saved a life. He calls out to Typhoid, who has taken advantage of the confusion to kill one of the bar customers! Mary mocks to Wade that a real hero wouldn’t have allowed her to do this, and wouldn’t have blood on his hands.
Deadpool gets furious, and shoots at Typhoid! She smiles and tries to dodge the bullets, joking that that’s the real first attention her hero has given her today. Unfortunately, Wade manages to hit her in the leg, and she falls down. Mary agrees to give up, but wants to know what’s going to happen next. More sweet talk? Wade denies that, as they are on a whole new level now. He grabs Mary by her throat. Mary is glad to hear that Wade is sounding less and less than a hero by the minute, and loves it.
Deadpool punches Mary in her stomach, trying to make her understand that he’s trying his best to help her get things back together. Mary congratulates Wade for the nice move, and wonders where he learned it. Playing hero alongside the Avengers? Mary tells Wade to give it up, as the only thing he’s got in common with being a hero are a few vowels. He’s a broken serial killer, just like her.
Deadpool gets out of control and punches Mary against a wall, ordering her to shut up! Those were the wrong buttons on Wade to push. Mary doesn’t know what he’s talking about: can’t she call him a “hero?” Wade becomes furious and keeps punching Mary, but she just keeps on calling Wade a hero. Typhoid starts to bleed, and gives up. But only because now Wade can see who she really is. She claims that it’s much easier to live the real thing, than trying to live a lie. She collapses, and faints.
Wade looks at all the scared bystanders, wondering what kind of monster Deadpool is. He tries to ask them to call someone to help Mary, but nobody does anything. Wade thinks that nobody wants to be a hero, and walks away.
- Hey gang! Now, a few familiar words might come to your attention. It’s that wacky French section from above. We agree that the translation wasn’t that important, but we wouldn’t want to be accused of slipping one by you, our faithful audience. So, without any further rambling, here’s that very same section, but in English! -
Meanwhile, in Paris…
Where an important conversation is being held. A conversation of ominous portent. Gerry is talking to an old man.
Gerry believes that the writers of the X-Files… not Carter though, he’s a construct. He’s talking about the staff. The real scribes. He asks the old man if he knows what happened to them. The old man apologizes. Gerry thinks that’s right. No one knows. That’s how good they are. It’s like the writers never gave the audience the Roach episode, because they really did learn the truth was out there, and just didn’t know it had teeth.
You get in their sights, and it’s over, man. Big time. The old man asks Gerry if he’s talking to him. If so, he doesn’t understand a word of it. Gerry knows that, but is certain that the old man will, some day. Some day. The old man panics a bit, and calls a cop, since Gerry smells.
(Deadpool, while covered in shadows, jumps over a wall. He thinks he can fix this. He knows he can. He knows that Mary is just bluffing. She has to be. Maybe he’s on candid camera or something, and Mary will pull off her face and she’s really Allen Funt. But, probably not going to happen. Either way, he’ll catch up with her any second, and…)