At a radio station, a call-in psychiatrist radio host comes on air and greets his listeners. He introduces himself as Dr. Feelgood and welcomes them to the personal power hour. He goes straight to his first caller – Lester. He says to Lester that he understands he is having some problems making decisions. He then asks if he means in general or does he have a specific problem?
Lester tells Dr. Feelgood that he is a fan of the show… and his name. Listening intently, the doctor thanks Lester and tells him he does what he can because he can. Lester tells the doctor that he is having a dilemma. He says that he really hates his boss but really loves his job. The doctor sips coffee and mutters assuring sound bites to let Lester know he is listening and understanding. Lester continues and tells the psychiatrist that his current assignment involves him killing a man he has wanted to kill for a long time. But now that it’s “go-time” he thinks that he actually enjoys the thought of killing him more than the actual act of killing him.
The doctor goes wide-eyed and spits out his coffee. Through the sound-booth glass his equally shocked producer signals for him to end the call. Stunned, Dr. Feelgood starts stuttering, and then tells the listeners he is going to hang up. Lester continues and asks if he should decapitate the man and grind him up into hamburgers like his boss wants.
At the other end of the phone, an obese man wearing a bloodstained apron tells Bullseye that he is a weird guy. He then asks if they are on or not. Bullseye, dressed as Hawkeye, tells him to relax and hangs up his phone. The two men are standing in a meat preparation room with animal carcasses attached to hooks and chains hanging from the ceiling. Deadpool, with an arrow impaled through his head, is lying on a slab in the middle of the room. The obese man asks if it’s legal, to which Bullseye says that according to H.A.M.M.E.R it’s legal but to the FDA… it’s less so. To this, the obese man says to %*$£ the FDA. In reply, Bullseye replies “cool” and then tells the man that he is now a vegetarian.
Suddenly, Deadpool moans and sits upright. Angered, the man tells Bullseye that he said that Deadpool was dead. Calmly, Bullseye replies that he was dead when he told him. Deadpool stands up and hurriedly staggers towards the open door to the amusement of Bullseye. Still with the arrow in his head, Deadpool makes it outside and continues to stagger away from the farm in which he was being held. Bullseye stands in the door and mocks him, shouting “fly you beautiful bird” after him.
As he makes it past some cows and into a field, he mutters that he can’t think good or move. He pokes the arrow in his head and realizes he has a brain problem. Before he can continue, he suddenly hears a new voice inside his head. The voice says that if he is looking for advice then he has come to the right place. The voice goes on to guess that he feels utterly powerless and completely unable to deal with the situation he finds himself in. As Deadpool agrees to the statement, he spots a huge radio transmitter ahead of him. The voice in his head says that Dr. Feelgood is here to help.
Bullseye asks the obese man if he realizes that if Deadpool gets away then he will be guilty of attempted murder. When the man acts confused, Bullseye continues and says that, as a servant of the law, he would have to arrest the man. When the man asks if he would do that, Bullseye replies no, he would just kill him.
Dr. Feelgood continues speaking and says that the first step is to identify the problem. Not realizing that he is picking up a local radio station transmission, Deadpool slowly tells the voice that he has an arrow through his head. The voice says that you may know what the problem is but how about you let the doctor take a look…because odds are you have more problems that they think. Suddenly, the obese man appears behind Deadpool, wielding a huge meat cleaver. He swings it down, missing Deadpool’s head but chopping off the end of the arrow. Deadpool is now unable to hear the radio transmission. A scared Deadpool puts his hands on his head and asks if the voice is still there. He falls down to his knees and throws his arms in the arm and shouts “what’s my problem?”
A foot suddenly slams into his head and the man says that he is the problem… plus he’s got an arrow in the head. Lying on the ground, Deadpool looks up at the man and splutters that he isn’t a doctor. He suddenly imagines the man as Dr. Killbrew. Surrounded by fire and holding a scalpel, “Dr. Killbrew” tells Deadpool that he is a doctor.
Deadpool yells Killbrew’s name, which evokes confusion in the other man. Deadpool quickly swipes his legs, knocking the man off his feet. He picks up the meat cleaver and advances on the worried man but stops a second to pull the arrow from his head. After it comes out, he feels much better and realizes that the man on the ground in-front of him isn’t Dr. Killbrew. The man stutters and says that he is Owen Pasternak. Deadpool repeats his surname and contemplates something for a few seconds. He then slams the cleaver into Owen’s head, spraying blood everywhere. Deadpool begins to walk away but turns back and crouches down next to the man’s body. With the cleaver jammed in Owen’s head, he asks him if he is picking up Dr. Feelgood on it as he really needs some advice.
One of Deadpool’s inner voices suddenly speaks up and asks if he really thought the man would answer. When Deadpool pauses for a moment to delight in the fact his brain is back the inner voice tells him “more or less.” Making his way back to the farm, he is confused by this but then his other inner voice mumbles some nonsense. The first voice chips in and says that’s what it meant by more or less. Getting to the meat-processing warehouse Deadpool says he foresees a problem, to which the second voice utters more nonsense. The first voice replies that there may be many problems. Deadpool corrects his inner voices and tells them the problem is that he is unarmed.
As Deadpool stands in the doorway of the warehouse, Bullseye aims his bow at him and draws it. As he fires a volley of arrows at him, Deadpool dances and dodges them whilst wishing he had brought the cleaver. He crouches down behind a large garbage skip and tells his brain off for not thinking of doing that. The first voice tells him that’s not his department and the second one utters more nonsense. Deadpool asks what its department is, to which his inner voice replies that it’s the more esoteric realms of thought. As Bullseye continuously fires arrows from the other side of the warehouse, Deadpool’s inner voice gives him an example.
“In mortal danger.
Step into the light.”
Realizing that his brain just made up a haiku, an outraged Deadpool stands up with arms outstretched and calls for Bullseye to kill him. As he does this, Bullseye fires three arrows above the skip that subsequently explode, sending Deadpool flying. As Deadpool realizes that if he had stayed back there he would have died, his inner voice speaks up and tells him that poetry just saved his life. The voice tells his to deal with it… but first, run. Deadpool sprints towards some double-doors as Bullseye fires more arrows around him.
He runs through the doors and slams them shut, only to then realize that he is in a walk-in freezer. Around him hang skinless carcasses of large animals. Deadpool realizes he has trapped himself and his inner voice tells him the only way out is the way he came in and that it wasn’t very smart. When Deadpool tries to defend himself by saying he only has half a brain, his second inner voice tells him to be the meat. A confused Deadpool asks what it means and the first voice tells him to ignore it. He pauses for a moment and starts thinking.
Outside, Bullseye has his bow drawn tight and aimed right for the door. Deadpool shouts out to him and asks if he is out there. Bullseye replies that he isn’t but Deadpool tells him not to lie. Deadpool offers to end it the old fashioned way, with fists. Mano-a-mano.
Still with his bow aimed at the door, Bullseye tells the mercenary okay. Deadpool shouts through and says he is going to come out and then asks if Bullseye is unarmed. Not letting his bow drop, Bullseye tells him to hold on and then goes silent for a few seconds. Smiling, he shouts “yeah,” at which point Deadpool tells him he is coming out. Bullseye fires the arrow but then the smile is wiped off his face. He mutters “are you serious?” to himself and Deadpool replies “no.” Standing in the doorway, using the meat from the freezer as a suit of armor, Deadpool tells Bullseye that he is the meat. Bullseye’s arrow has impaled into a legs of meat that Deadpool is using as a shield.
Surline Elementary school: 28 years ago
The young Wade sits at his desk with his hand raised, shouting for the teacher to pick him. The teacher picks one of his classmates, Julie, instead. A ginger girl with pigtails and big, rounds glasses stands up and says that when she grows up she wants to be a famous tap-dancer. Deadpool groans in the background as the girl goes on to say she takes lessons every Wednesday. The teacher tells her that it would be a wonderful career.
The elderly female teacher stands at the front of the class. Behind her on the chalkboard read the words “When I Grow Up.” She begins to ask if anyone else would like to go but Wade interrupts her and repeatedly says “mememememe.” Finally giving in, she lets him go and he immediately tells her he wants to wear a meat suit and then fight in it. With that, he stands on his desk and starts high-kicking as his other classmates look on.
Back at the meat processing warehouse Deadpool charges. Bullseye keeps on firing arrows but they only become stuck in the meat armor. Bulleye reaches for another arrow but realizes he is out, by which time Deadpool reaches him and kicks him in the chest, sending him falling backwards. As he kicks Bullseye, Deadpool yells out “take that Ms. Myers.” As the two men engage in hand-to-hand, Bullseye guesses that she was Deadpool’s teacher. As he punches Bullseye in the chest, Deadpool asks how he knew that. Bullseye simply replies “Mrs. Bolton.”
PS 178: 27 years ago
A young boy stands in front of a chalk board with the words “What do you want to be when you grow up?” on. Wearing a black robber’s mask, he tells the class that he wants to be the bad guy when he grows up.
Back in the fight, Bullseye kicks Deadpool square in the groin and then runs off. As Deadpool follows him, his first inner voice tells him that the meat suit is very heavy. Deadpool quickly tells the voice not to dis’ the suit. The voice points out that it’s great for defense but what about… Deadpool finishes the thought and says a weapon would be awesome. With that he opens a door and finds a room full of meat hooks and cleavers.
He suddenly hears a voice behind him and turns to see Bullseye, holding a circular, electric saw above his head. As Bullseye attacks him with the saw, Deadpool’s second inner voice finally speaks up and exclaims that he is beating their meat. As Deadpool gets two meat chain-mounted meat-hooks and wraps them around Bullseye’s feet, his two inner voice banter between themselves. Deadpool trips Bullseye up and then wraps the meat-hooks around his neck.
As Deadpool pulls the chains tight, choking Bullseye, he repeats “say it” to him. Finally, Bullseye splutters “get your filthy meat-hooks offa me.” Delighted, Deadpool loosens the grip on the chains so that Bullseye can breathe. Deadpool then he tells him no as he pulls the one hook tight and thrusts the other one through Bullseye’s chest.