(UBC Studios, Manhattan)
In a TV studio, a smartly dressed woman greets Norman Osborn. Addressing him as “Director,” she shakes his hand and thanks him for agreeing to the interview. He replies that, unlike its predecessor, H.A.M.M.E.R. welcomes public discourse. The woman says that on a purely personal level she would just like to say…
However, before she can finish, Osborn interrupts her and tells her that’s exactly where he feels he needs to connect with the public: on a personal level. He continues and tells her that he wants people to know in their hearts that H.A.M.M.E.R. will continue to do everything in its capacity to ensure their safety and the safety of generations to come. He says assurances are easy to make but he wants to inspire faith.
Sitting down in some chairs on the stage, the woman tells Osborn that was a great speech but it was too bad they weren’t rolling. She then says that her producer hadn’t heard back about the questions they had submitted. She starts to ask if that means they are good to go but Osborn interrupts her again and passes her a piece of paper. He tells her that he has brought his own questions. She is surprised and a little confused but Osborn continues and tells her that the questions on the paper are the only ones he will answer. As one of the stage crew yells that they have ten seconds left, Osborn smoothes down his hair and asks the aghast reporter how it looks.
Still reeling, the woman tells him that the interview is taped so they can postpone if it he likes and they can submit some different questions if that’s the problem. He calmly tells her that she can either ask the questions on the paper or she can kiss the interview goodbye… the choice is hers. The crewman yells that the tape starts in five seconds. As he counts down the time, the woman looks around to her producer, who is watching in the wings. The two give each other exasperated looks and she decide to proceed.
As the interview starts, she greets him and thanks him for agreeing to do the interview again. Just as Osborn starts to repeat his earlier speech about how he welcomes public discourse, one of the production crew loudly swears with surprise. The crew looks towards Osborn and talk amongst themselves, all as surprised as each other. Osborn starts getting annoyed and the director yells “cut!” The producer goes to Judith, the interviewer, and asks if she is okay. Visually shocked she tells him she is a little shaken. Osborn walks towards them loudly asking what’s going on. The director is looking at a monitor over the shoulders of one of the production crew. He tells the man to stop and then go back a few frames. Osborn barges forward and tells them to let him see. His eyes widen as he sees what is on the tape.
Norman Osborn is standing in front of a large TV screen with clenched fists. He snarls one word….”Deadpool.” On the TV screen behind him is the still frame from the TV interview. Osborn can be seen in the forefront of the still and behind him stands Deadpool, holding up a sign that says “RESPAWN LOL” and holding a teleporter device.
Standing, facing Osborn, are his newly formed Dark Avengers team. Venom asks what the problem is and says he thought the Thunderbolts took him out. Osborn replies that he did too but they are both obviously mistaken. And to make matters worse, Deadpool has his teleporter prototype. Captain Marvel speaks up and asks if he wants them to help out, pointing out that it seems like a lot of firepower for such a small target. Osborn agrees and says that’s why he is only sending one of them… someone who has a shared history with him. Daken, assuming it is him, tells Osborn that he can’t do it, as he is washing his hair. Bullseye points out that he isn’t talking about Daken… he’s talking about him.
Bullseye asks if Osborn has any idea where Deadpool can be found. Osborn replies and says that he will soon as he has started a media campaign to flush him out. Deadpool has started taking ads out on Craigslist as a gun-for-hire.
Later & elsewhere, a man stands in his hallway and yells through the door that he didn’t order a pizza. At the door, a man wearing a motorcycle helmet holds a pizza and says that he isn’t paying for it as he is not in great financial health. With that the delivery man continuously rings the doorbell until the homeowner gives in and opens the door. He says he will take the pie but he didn’t order it. A voice comes from behind him and says he knows he didn’t and that “I did.” The man turns around to see Deadpool standing there with a gun aimed at him. He asks the delivery man if it’s black olives and pineapple and the man stutters that it is. He then asks if they burnt the crusts and the delivery man quickly tells him no. Deadpool replies that he specifically told them to burn the crusts. With one gun aimed at the homeowner, Deadpool points the other at the delivery man and tells him to get inside.
Inside the house, Deadpool scoffs the pizza down whilst muttering to himself. The delivery man wonders who he is talking to, whilst the homeowner asks Deadpool what he is doing in his house. Deadpool stops eating and tells them that he is there to do a contract killing. Putting his arm around the homeowner, the delivery man tells Deadpool that it’s really cold to sneak into the man’s house, order and eat a pizza and then kill him. Deadpool tells Gavin, the delivery man, that he isn’t there to kill the homeowner… he is here to kill him.
Startled, Gavin starts stuttering and asks why. Deadpool asks if the name Tanya Patterson rings any bells. Deadpool decides to refresh his memory. Back in high school, when Gavin was a popular jock, he decided to start a rumor about Ms. Patterson… one that had no basis in fact. The rumor was so heinous that her then-boyfriend Lee dumped her immediately. No other boys would date her and none of the other girls would talk to her.
The homeowner apologizes for interrupting and asks what the rumor was. Deadpool signals for him to come closer. He then whispers the rumor in the man’s ear, which causes the stunned man to swear at Gavin and call him names. A scared looking Gavin yells that it was nine years ago. Deadpool continues and says that the rumor haunts the woman to this day and people still snigger at her. No decent man wanted to marry her, so she ended up dating a loser and having kids that are even worse than their dad. Gavin ruined the woman’s life. With tears streaming down his face, Gavin backs himself to a door and says that he is sorry but then says that the bitch needs to get over it. Deadpool points his gun at him and tells him that she is about to. With that, he fires and the bullet goes right through Gavin and bursts out the other side of the door.
Sickened, the homeowner vomits and Deadpool chastises him and says he just ate. The man apologizes and says that Gavin deserved it so he won’t call the cops. He then corrects himself and says that he is going to having to call the cops eventually but he won’t give them a description of Deadpool’s face. Deadpool points out that the man hasn’t seen his face. The man stumbles over his words as he agrees with him and then says that means Deadpool can just leave.
Deadpool, however, picks up a picture of a woman off of the mantelpiece. He asks the man where his wife is. The man gulps and says she is at their place upstate. Deadpool says he figured the man was rich. He, however, is broke and the Gavin job only put five hundred dollars in his Paypal account. When the man says that Deadpool can rob him if he likes, Deadpool puts his hand on the man’s shoulder and says it’s not really his thing but for him he will make an exception.
The man, carrying a box of his belongings, tells Deadpool that he cannot fit anything else in his Landrover. As Deadpool picks up a remote control, he asks if the man put the seats down. When the man says no, Deadpool becomes angry and tells him off and says that he should think about somebody else for a change. The confused man looks on as Deadpool explains how he is the one who has to drive into the city and he is the one who has to fence the goods. When the man apologizes, Deadpool informs him that he doesn’t want to be in the stinky house all night. The man explains that it usually smells really nice but there’s a dead body. Before he can finish, Deadpool tells him off for making excuses and says he has only been around the man an hour and already he never wants to see him again. He then makes the man show him how to use the remote control.
As the homeowner walks upstairs, Deadpool sits on the sofa and ponders how an unmotivated man ends up with so much. Before he can finish, he is suddenly distracted by a news report. The TV shows a newsreader sat at a desk holding some papers, with a picture of Deadpool behind him. The forlorn looking news reader says that it is the most despicable act of treachery committed in the history of the human race, but that’s just his opinion and he will let the public decide for themselves.
As the report starts rolling, the voice-over explains that the footage was taken from the stadium of a recent baseball game that was interrupted by a Skrull ship. Images of shocked people from the baseball stadium appear on screen and the voice-over explains that the camera crew wisely escaped but they left the camera on and it is only now the footage has been uncovered. Some segments of the footage were damaged in the explosion but even without the missing segments the picture is clear.
The news report flashes back to the news reporter at his desk and he warns the viewers that the next part is despicable. The stadium footage continues and shows Deadpool talking to the Skrulls amongst the debris of the Skrull ship. The news reporter explains that the masked mercenary is Deadpool and he is talking to the Skrull commander. The video then shows Deadpool saluting to the Skrull commander and saying that he is reporting for duty.
A stunned Deadpool stutters and then mutters that he has been besmirched. He leaps up off the sofa and punches the air and says the besmirchment will not stand! He walks to the stairs and yells up, asking if the keys are in the Landrover. When the man does not reply, he walks up the stairs, in search of the man. As he peeks around the bedroom door, his eyes widen and comments that this is just senseless. Slumped dead at the foot of the bed is the homeowner with an arrow square in the chest.
Deadpool opens the door wide and asks who commits suicide with a bow and arrow. He bends down close to the man, who has blood coming from his mouth, and explains that bows are for long distance and not for killing up close. He then asks didn’t he know that. But he isn’t talking to the dead man… He is talking to Bullseye, who is standing behind him, dressed as Hawkeye and has his bow drawn and aimed right at Deadpool.
Still facing away from him, Deadpool simply asks why he bothered coming into the house and then points out that was a stupid. Deadpool quickly uses his teleporting device just as Bullseye fire the arrow. When the arrow misses, Bullseye mutters that he forgot about that. From the en-suite bathroom, Deadpool asks if Bullseye forgot about that. Bullets suddenly shoot through the wall into the bedroom, which causes Bullseye to dodge out the way.
In the bathroom, Deadpool continues to fire through the wall and then finally stops. He leans against the door and asks if Bullseye is dead. Bullseye’s fist punches through the door and he tries to grab Deadpool, who thrusts his hand through the door too and grabs Bullseye. Both men reach a stalemate and Bullseye asks “now what?” Deadpool, however, drops a grenade next to Bullseye. As it explodes, both men, still fighting, go crashing down the stairs. At the bottom, Deadpool stands up, holding Bullseye’s mask and bow, declaring a win. However, Bullseye staggers to his feet and simply replies “,fail” as he holds the teleporting device and points Deadpool’s own gun at him.
As the building starts burning around them, Deadpool realizes that it isn’t Hawkeye. When he tries to figure out who he is, Bullseye tells him his name. When Deadpool tells him not to give hints, Bullseye points out they have worked together before. Becoming angry, Deadpool yells for him not to give hints! Still pointing the gun at him, Bullseye tells him he can’t possibly be that stupid. When Deadpool tells him not to underestimate him, Bullseye realizes the gun he is holding is empty. Deadpool says he is disappointed and then hits Bullseye round the head with his bow, causing him to reel backwards and drop the gun.
As Deadpool says he expects more from him, Bullseye doubles-over and grabs an arrow off the floor. Deadpool asks where his sense of humor is but Bullseye just replies “unbelievable.” He throws the arrow but it misses Deadpool. As Deadpool kicks Bullseye in the head, he asks if what that means and then guesses that it’s because he is beating Bullseye like he is his step-son. Unfortunately, Deadpool fails to notice the arrow ricochet off the picture of the man’s wife on the mantelpiece until it’s too late. Bullseye tells him that it’s unbelievable because Deadpool thinks he doesn’t have a sense of humor. With that, he stands behind Deadpool, who is now slumped on the floor with an arrow impaled through his head.