(Vladivostok, Russia)
Deadpool is on a dock talking to two rough-looking men. He tells the two men that the boat they sold him a few weeks ago didn’t work out. The shorter of the two men ask him what he means, to which Deadpool replies that it sank. The man, who is also sporting a large black moustache, informs him that it was a submarine and it was supposed to sink.
Taken aback Deadpool ponders that revelation for a few seconds and then asks him how he was supposed to know that. The second, larger man tells Deadpool that if he wants another boat then they have many they can sell to him. Deadpool clarifies that he means a regular boat and then asks the man if he wants the same deal as last time. With an expressionless face, the man asks Deadpool if he wants to pay the same amount he paid for the nuclear submarine, to which the merc replies that he won’t pay a penny more. The smaller of the two men looks at his partner and coughs. The larger man agrees to Deadpool’s terms, since he is such a good customer.
Deadpool, standing on some treasure chests, then points into the harbor and says he wants that one. He is pointing towards a large grey boat with a tug boat moored in front of it. The larger man points out that he will need a crew to pilot the boat. Deadpool sarcastically says he knows and asks how dumb they think he is. He tells them his crew is on the way as he speaks.
Bob, Agent of Hydra, is standing at his door, holding a cardboard box. A voice calls out his name. His wife, a rather large, ugly woman dressed in a blue tracksuit walks into the room and asks who was at the door. Bob tells her that it was just Upex delivering a package. Before he can finish, she interrupts him and asks if it was the extra large girdle-briefs she ordered from Victoria’s Secret last week. He tells her no and that the package was for him. He looks down to see his name scrawled in marker pen on the top of the package.
As he opens the box his wife asks why he is getting a package. He tells her that he doesn’t know as he looks down at its contents; some headphones and a tape recorder. His wife yells back and asks where the toilet plunger is and Bob tells her that they don’t have one. Sat on the toilet with her pants around her ankles, she tells him they are going to need one… big time. With a grossed out expression on his face, Bob puts the headphones on and steps outside. His wife yells after him to get some ice-cream too and not the low fat kind. Under his breath, Bob sarcastically says that they wouldn’t want that but his wife hears and yells out at him. He replies, “correcting” himself and tells her “Not the low fat kind! Got it!”
He starts playing the tape as he walks from his small shack to his truck. On the tape, Deadpool tells him to put his boogie shoes on because he has a job for him. Bob yells “yes” out loud before suddenly fearing his wife might hear. He gets into the truck and drives off into the sunset. Deadpool informs him that he is finally rich and he has more money than he could have dreamed of but he has to lay low. He tried sitting around and watching TV but he blew his brains out but that was good because it made him have a vision. He and Bob are going to become pirates. He tells Bob to meet him in Vladivostok, Russia.
In Vladivostok, Deadpool tells the two men that he wants guns put on his boat. When one of the men points out that there are already guns mounted on the boat, Deadpool interrupts and says he wants crazy guns put on. The taller of the two men confirms that he wants more guns put on the boat, to which Deadpool tells them the biggest ones they can get. The man tells Deadpool that it will add to the cost. As he asks how much, he crouches down next to one of the treasure chests and opens it up to reveal it’s full of gold coins. He asks the men if this much will do.
The two men turn away from Deadpool, huddle together and whisper between themselves. When Deadpool asks what they are talking about, they turn around and tell him they are assuring themselves that this is not some insane hallucination. He assures the men that this is happening… he thinks. The taller man tells Deadpool that he is like a demented clown sent from heaven. The shorter man tells him that he wants to kiss him like a man kisses a woman. Feeling a little uncomfortable, Deadpool changes the subject and tells the men where he wants the guns putting on the boat. As he points out the locations on the boat, the men become confused. They confirm which boat he is pointing too. Instead of the big, military-style ship they thought he meant, Deadpool actually meant the small tug boat that was moored in front of it. The short man lurches forward and plants a kiss on Deadpool’s cheek, much to the mercenary’s disgust.
(Three days later)
Deadpool is trying to push Bob’s face away as the Agent of Hydra tries to kiss him. Bob apologizes and tells Deadpool he is really excited about becoming a pirate. As they walk along the dock, he asks Deadpool if they have a pirate ship. Deadpool laughs and then points towards the tug boat moored against the dock. However it’s now been kitted out with big guns all over it and skull and crossbones flag flies from a mast. Wiping a tear away, Bob tells him it’s the raddest pirate ship ever. Deadpool agrees with him and then stops Bob from kissing him again.
Standing on the boat, Deadpool has now changed his costume for a more pirate-themed one. On top of his usual uniform, he has a bandana, skull belt buckle and an old pistol strapped to his side. He asks Bob what he thinks and Bob excitedly asks if he gets a costume too. Deadpool says of course he does… what’s a pirate captain with his…
Before he can finish, Bob guesses “first mate” but Deadpool gets confused. He presses on, pulls out a green parrot costume and tells Bob he had something else in mind. A disappointed Bob asks if he wants him to dress up as a parrot. Deadpool says he wants him to be a parrot. His parrot. And every time he talks, he has to squawk like a parrot. Bob tells Deadpool he doesn’t think he will be able to do that but Deadpool assures him he can and that he’ll teach him. When Bob asks how, Deadpool gets out a wooden stick. An alarmed Bob asks what that is and Deadpool replies that it’s his teaching stick.
Dressed in the parrot costume, Bob asks Deadpool where they are going, but Deadpool hits Bob over the head with the teaching stick. Lying on the floor, Bob repeats himself but this time adds a squawking noise to make him sound more like a parrot. Deadpool tells him to call him captain and then says that they are going to Jallarka. He then hits Bob over the head again.
Deadpool starts to tell Bob all about Jallarka. Back in the seventies, an oil baron leased the island from the government of some weird country he has never heard of before. He used it as his hedonistic playground until the government he leased it from was overthrown. The oil baron offered the overthrown party the use of his private army in return for giving him the island forever. When the power was restored, the baron owned the island outright and that’s the way it has been ever since. Then, about five years ago, the baron’s sons started to develop the island into a luxury holiday resort for the super rich. Everyone who comes to the island is loaded and they all come by boat. Deadpool tells Bob that they are going to turn the party out.
When Bob points out that Deadpool is already rich, the merc hits his parrot over the head with the teaching stick. He tells Bob that there are lots of important things money cannot buy. Deadpool stares off into the distance for a few moments until Bob gets his attention. Deadpool goes on to say that money can buy a solid gold gun that shoots diamond bullets. With that, he pulls out the pistol which was strapped to his side and tells Bob he calls it “The Compensator.” Bob tells him that it’s cool but Deadpool has already moved on and is staring at a map with two crosses on it joined by a dotted line. Deadpool tells Bob that they should be there in four days… five days tops.
(Six weeks later)
Bob, still dressed in his parrot costume, is lying on the deck of the boat. He is groaning due to the excessive heat. He pulls himself up using the railings around the ship and mumbles “land ho.” An excited Deadpool announces that it’s Jallarka and that alls they have to do now is wait for one of the rich yachts to sail by and then they can get their pirate on. Bob mumbles that he thinks he has the scurvy. Deadpool turns around to him and asks if he is a doctor. When Bob starts to tell him he has spots Deadpool interjects and tells him that he isn’t a doctor… he’s a parrot so they need to get him to a vet.
They moor the boat just off the shore and use a dinghy to row to the beach. As they get to the beach, Deadpool steps off the dinghy as Bob starts to fall backwards into the water due to exhaustion. As the other beach-goers look on, Deadpool grabs Bob and tells him to stop embarrassing him. Deadpool turns to one of the tourists and asks where they can find a vet. The man, dressed in only a small leopard-skin thong, starts to speak but Deadpool can’t understand him as the man is speaking French. One of Deadpool’s inner voices chirps up and groans that it’s a foreigner… they should have known. His other inner voice chimes in and says the exposed butt-cheeks should have been a dead giveaway. The first voice tells them to be sure to pirate the hell out of this guy’s yacht as soon as they get the chance.
Deadpool starts to walk away from the man as he shakes his fist and continues to speak in French. As Deadpool props up a nearly unconscious Bob, he shouts out to the rest of the beach and informs them that he is American and he needs directions. Just then, a voice calls out to him and asks if he needs something. Deadpool turns to see a young blonde woman wearing large sunglasses standing at the window of a beach-hut. On the top of the hut is a sign that says “Need to find something? Just ask me.” Deadpool walks towards her and says he needs a first mate… and he thinks he just found her if she knows what he means. As Deadpool imagines the woman wearing a pink pirate costume, she tells him she knows what he means and then asks is she should swab the deck now or later.
Deadpool starts to sing and dance much to the woman’s confusion. Bob uses the opportunity whilst Deadpool is hallucinating and speaks up and asks for a doctor. As she starts to tell him where to go, Deadpool snaps out of his hallucination and asks her what’s up. Deadpool leans in close to her and asks if she likes unicorns and then points out that he is a pirate. She doesn’t show any response, so he starts snapping his fingers in front of her face. When she doesn’t look his way again, he asks what her problem is. She turns towards him and lowers her sunglasses and shows him that she is blind.
An alarmed Bob whispers at Deadpool to stop it but he doesn’t listen and continues quizzing her, not believing she is blind. He sarcastically tells her that he has never heard that before and with that he pulls off his mask to reveal his disfigured face. After a few moments of both of them standing facing each other, the woman speaks up and tells him he smells of bullets and taco meat. A delighted Deadpool realizes that she is blind and that she can see into his very soul.
Bob then asks how she can be a tour guide if she is blind, to which the woman tells him that she has lived on the island her entire life and knows it better than anyone. Bob continues and starts to ask if she has always been blind. She finishes his sentence and says she has. When Bob tells her that it’s a shame, she becomes angry and tells him that the pity she gets from idiot tourists makes her feel so much better about it all. Bob starts to backtrack and apologize but the woman just points out the direction of the hospital. An embarrassed Bob says that it’s a shame that she is blind because she can’t see how beautiful she is. With that, Deadpool hits him on the head with his teaching stick. The woman turns to Deadpool and asks if he just hit Bob with a piece of bamboo. Deadpool denies it and hides the stick behind his back.
Just then, the sound of gunshots interrupts them. They turn to see where the noise came from and Deadpool points out somebody must be having fun as the tourists on the beach start fleeing. Out at sea, two boats are seen and one of them has flames coming from it. Deadpool gets out his telescope and looks at the boats and realizes there are other pirates in the area.
On the pirate ship, a pirate fires a machine gun mounted to one of the railings. He laughs and shouts for the rich little pansies to flee from the wrath of Wackbeard the pirate. With that, a gun is suddenly pointed at his head and fired… blasting a hole right through. As the man falls to the floor, a short, fat man holding a gun puts his foot on the dead man’s head and tells the other pirates never to call him that name again.
Back on the beach, Deadpool is slumped on one of the stools at the shack. He mumbles that he was supposed to be the scourge of Jallarka. The woman points out that she knew this would happen. She warned them but they didn’t listen to her because she is blind. She tells them that the island has no defenses or police force and all they have is the hotel security personnel who only carry walkie-talkies.
Bob tells her that Mr. Wilson has lots of guns. As the woman asks who Mr. Wilson is, Bob suddenly gets an idea. Bob tells her that Mr. Wilson is only the badass-est mercenary in the whole world and that he is so rich he will save the island for free. An annoyed Deadpool turns to Bob and just pictures him as a donkey. Suddenly realizing what he has done, Bob starts to cower away as Deadpool advances towards him. The woman speaks up and asks if Deadpool would do that for them… he would save them?
Deadpool tells her that he will on two conditions. First, she has to join his crew as the navigator and, secondly, she has to cover her pretty ears for the next five minutes. With that, Deadpool gets out his teaching stick and stands behind a very worried Bob.
