Deadpool (3rd Series) #31

Issue Date: 
March 2011
Story Title: 
I rule, you suck (Conclusion)

Daniel Way (Writer), Bong Dazo (Pencils), Jose Pimentel (Inks), Andres Mossa (Colors), VC’s Joe Sabino (Letters), Dave Johnson (Cover), Jody Leheup (Assistant Editor), Axel Alonso (Editor), Joe Quesada (Editor-in-chief), Dan Buckley (Publisher), Alan Fine (Executive Producer)

Brief Description: 

Deadpool and Dr. Matsuzaki get to the security office and see the silhouettes of the guards inside. The doctor runs in screaming, only to find the guards dead and a bunch of vampires waiting for her. They take her hostage as Deadpool walks in. They try to force Deadpool to tell them where Colvin and his sect are but he won’t say. The stab Deadpool and take off with the doctor, assuming she knows where they are. As Deadpool lies unconscious, the doctor takes the vampires on a wild goose chase. Deadpool wakes up and heads off to find the doctor, just as the doctor runs out of time and the vampires turn on her. Luckily, she is saved by the arrival of a janitor, as well as the fire alarm going off. Everyone in the hospital rushes down the corridor, which Deadpool uses for cover. Before he entered the hospital, he had a priest bless the water reserves. The holy water sprays out of the sprinkler system, burning the vampires. In the chaos, Deadpool grabs the doctor and runs off with her. The vampires chase him to the MRI room, where Deadpool manages to kill one of them before shutting himself in. The two remaining vampires burst in to see Deadpool standing next to the scanner. He turns it on and the vampire’s amulets and swords and magnetized and stuck to the scanner. Deadpool kills another vampire but the other evades him. In a dug-out hole in the wall, the doctor activates a modified X-ray machine, and vaporizes the last vampire with UV rays. After saving the doctor, Deadpool asks her out and she reluctantly agrees. Deadpool runs off to give Colvin and his clan some of the amulets that allow them to walk in sunshine. When he gets back to where he left the doctor, he discovers she has run off without him.

Full Summary: 

Deadpool and Dr. Matsuzaki find the security office and see the silhouettes of the guards inside. Deadpool says they are in luck and they have beaten the Draculas there. As Dr. Matsuzaki hides behind a wall, one of Deadpool’s inner voices says she is so into them. The other points out she looks scared but the first voice says that’s what love looks like. Deadpool explains to the doctor that the vampires know by now that someone is picking them off one by one. The easiest way for them to find out who is doing it is to take control of the security cameras. So, they should be there any minute and then they’ll walk into his trap. He starts to explain what he wants her to do but she turns around and runs away screaming.

She bursts into the security office and starts screaming at the guards and trying to explain what is going on. The guards are slumped in their chairs and she leans in to them and says that they may be under attack from vampires. She notices something is wrong with them just as a voice comes from behind her and tells her they are definitely under attack from vampires. She looks up to see three of the Claw sect vampires clung to the ceiling.

They grab the doctor, just as Deadpool enters. The leader introduces himself as Ceres and tells him the girl he loves is moments away from slaughter. Deadpool says the element of surprise is now gone, to which Ceres tells him to drop all his weapons. After Deadpool unloads an immense amount of guns, knives and swords on the floor, Ceres says he must be some sort of self-styled superhero. He says he always regarded Colvin and his runts as a bunch of cowards but he never thought he would sink so low as to get a human to protect them. He asks where they are but Deadpool won’t say. Ceres grabs the doctor around the throat and tells Deadpool he knows what he’ll do if he doesn’t tell.

Deadpool shrugs and says he will do it anyway to both of them. The best bet to stay alive the longest is to keep their mouths shut and stall them long enough for help to show up. Ceres tells Deadpool he has already told them something; the doctor also knows where the clan is. Ceres spins the doctor to face him and she splutters that she doesn’t know where director Colvin is. Deadpool says it’s pointless as they’ll see through her flimsy play like they did his. Deadpool calls Ceres “Dracula” and damns his superior mind. Ceres says he isn’t Dracula, to which Deadpool replies he isn’t dead… Before he can finish, though, he is stabbed through the chest from behind. Deadpool collapses on the floor and Ceres and clan leave with the doctor.

Deadpool starts dreaming of Edward Cullen and Bella Swan from the Twilight films. Edward tells her they don’t have much time and Bella says, if that’s the case, then he should ravage her. She exposes her neck to him and Edward says he can’t. She asks if it’s because he’s a sparkly little sissy. He says it is and so she slaps him across the face. She rips open her jacket to reveal a t-shirt with “Fear Them! Team Deadpool” written on it. She tells Edward she’s switching sides.

Deadpool suddenly wakes up and leaves to find the vampires. As he walks away from the huge pile of weapons he dropped earlier, one of his inner voices asks if he is forgetting something.

In the corridors, Dr. Matsuzaki is escorting the vampires around. She tells them she forgot and it must be down the other hall. Ceres grabs her by the throat and says she’s running them around in circles. He asks if she knows where Colvin is or doesn’t she. She remembers what Deadpool said about stalling them for as long as possible and hoping help shows up. As she stutters that she does know, Oscar the janitor rounds the corner and sees them. The ragged looking man tells her he will clean this mess up for her. She tells him he doesn’t know what these guys are but he snaps his mop handle in two and tells her he does know.

Suddenly, a loud alarm is heard and the vampires realize it’s the fire alarm. Twenty seconds earlier, Deadpool had pulled the alarm, causing a stampede of doctors, nurses and patients to surge through the corridors, looking for escape. The vampires are overwhelmed by the people so much so they don’t notice Deadpool amongst them. Deadpool snatches the two wooden sticks out of Oscar’s hands and then picks up Dr. Matsuzaki. As the vampires try to find the doctor the sprinkler system suddenly comes on and sprays water everywhere. The vampire start burning as they realize it’s actually holy water. Earlier on, Deadpool had got a priest to bless the hospital’s water tanks, turning the regular water into holy water.

As Deadpool runs down the corridor with the doctor, he apologizes that it took him so long. He had to bust out a wall and then figure out how that stupid thing worked. Then he had to Google a bunch of stuff too. She tells him it’s fine and then asks him to stop, as she thinks they’ve lost the vampires. Deadpool spins around and realizes that they have lost them. He runs back and yells to them that he is over here. They start to chase him again and the doctor asks why he did that. He tells her to get used to it, as he’s a man of many mysteries.

The vampires round the corner to find Deadpool gone. They crowd outside the MRI room and sniff the air. Ceres says that, with everyone else evacuated from the hospital, the smell of warm blood is unmistakable. One of the vampires goes to enter but the others tells him it could be a trap. The door suddenly opens and Deadpool tells them it’s totally a trap. He stabs one of them through the chest with the broken mop handle and then quickly dives back into the room. The two remaining vampires kick down the door and yell Deadpool’s name. Deadpool, standing next to the MRI scanner, tells them to use their indoor voices, as he can hear them just fine.

One of the vampires says no more tricks but Deadpool corrects him. He points out that the MRI scanner is a big electromagnet that just got turned on. He flicks a switch and the vampire’s swords and amulets get ripped off them and pulled inside the scanner. Deadpool launches the other mop handle half at the vampires. It impales one and almost impales Ceres, but he turns to mist and dodges the sharp stick. Deadpool tells him that wasn’t fair, as he didn’t know they could do that. Ceres replies that not all of them can, only a special few. He grabs Deadpool around the neck and starts to choke him. From behind them, Dr. Matsuzaki asks if she should do it now. As he is getting throttled, Deadpool says now would be good. Dr. Matsuzaki is hiding in a dug out hole in the wall, partially hidden by a screen. Ceres looks at her and asks what it is, to which Deadpool replies that it’s something special. Ceres suddenly bursts into flames and turns to ash on the floor.

From her hole, the doctor says she can’t believe it work and asks how he did it. Deadpool peers in the hole at a device inside it. He says he turned the X-ray machine into a vampire killing mega-weapon. Alls he had to do was to open up the bulbs and remove the foil inserts, which lengthened the rays into the UV spectrum. He tells her she should Google it. As she crawls out of the hole, he tells her they are pretty much done there and asks if she wants to get a drink. She angrily tells him no and he disappointingly tells her it’s cool Looking at her leg, she adds she has a gunshot wound and she shouldn’t be drinking alcohol. He asks if she wants to get ice-cream instead and she tells him sure. She sits down on a seat as Deadpool says he has to handle a quick bit of business. He tells her to wait there whilst he does it.

He goes off to see Colvin and his sect. They are all resting in their coffins and being served blood out of wine glasses. Deadpool chucks some amulets at them and says at least they will have a fighting chance next time the bad guys show up. He then rushes off to find the doctor again but, when he gets there, she is nowhere to be seen. As a forlorn Deadpool leaves, one of his inner voices wonders where she went. He tells it it’s obvious: she went and got ice-cream without them.

Characters Involved: 




Other clan vampires


Other Claw sect vampires

Dr. Matsuzaki

Oscar the janitor

Dead security guards

Doctors, nurses and patients in hospital


(in Deadpool’s dream)

Robert Pattinson/Edward Cullen

Kristen Stewart/Bella Swan

Story Notes: 

This is a tie-in to the Curse of the Mutants event, which can be found in X-Men (3rd series) #1-6, as well as other tie-ins. Dracula’s son, Xarus, killed him and took over leadership of his clan. He then united many of the other vampire clans and unleashed a plan to turn mutants into vampires.

Xarus had given his clan members amulets that protected them from sunlight.

Last issue, Deadpool was approached by a group of vampires in the hope that he would protect them from Xarus’ forces.

When Deadpool is stabbed by the vampires and he dreams, he is dreaming of the characters from the Twilight films, a popular series of vampire films based on a set of books.

Google is a popular internet search engine

MRI stands for Magnetic Resonance Imaging. It’s a medical procedure that uses high-powered magnets to look inside someone to create detailed images.

Deadpool shot Dr. Matsuzaki in the leg last issue after she shot him first.

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