Deadpool (3rd Series) #30

Issue Date: 
February 2011
Story Title: 
I rule, you suck (Part 1: All vampires are named Dracula)

Daniel Way (Writer), Bong Dazo (Pencils), Jose Pimentel (Inks), Andres Mossa (Colors), VC’s Joe Sabino (Letters), Dave Johnson (Cover), Jody Leheup (Assistant Editor), Axel Alonso (Editor), Joe Quesada (Editor-in-chief), Dan Buckley (Publisher), Alan Fine (Executive Producer)

Brief Description: 

Deadpool is woken up by a group of vampires. After firing on them they eventually manage to calm him down and tell him they want to hire him. They give him an address and ask him to go there at dusk the next day. After thinking about it a lot throughout the day, he decides to go and meets with them in their lair. The leader, Colvin, explains that Xarus has staged a coup on his father, Dracula, and is waging war on humanity. Xarus now threatens everything this sect of vampires has built up over the centuries. They explain a rival sect is coming for them and they want Deadpool to protect them. Xarus has given the vampires amulets that protect them from the sun, allowing them to walk in the sunshine. Deadpool declines their offer but Colvin tells him they set up a hospital 100 years ago. They treat anyone who walks through the doors and they give their profits to humanitarian causes. They only thing they take is blood. Deadpool eventually agrees to help them. At the hospital, the Claw sect vampires send in a scout. He comes across a doctor and is about to attack her when Deadpool chops his head off. Outside, the rest of his group try and contact him via radio. Deadpool answers and tricks them into sending one of them to the hospital chapel. Deadpool tries to get the woman to run away with him but she shoots him. He shoots her back and carries her to the chapel. The vampire finds them there and, after a brief discussion, Deadpool shoots his amulet, causing him to burn up from the light coming through the windows. The rest of the vampires head to the security office of the hospital, where they corner a group of guards.

Full Summary: 

As Deadpool sleeps in his bed, two shadowed figures wake him up. As he sleepily opens his eyes, he asks if he is having a nightmare. He sees a group of people stood over him and one of them, an old man in a suit, tells him this is really happening. Deadpool notices the man has fangs and asks if he is really surrounded by Draculas. The man begins to tell him that they are not all named Dracula but, bfore he can finish, the group of vampires is sprayed with bullets. Deadpool stands up, his top half in costume and the bottom half only wearing boxer shorts. He holds a gun and tells them to save it for somebody who wants to learn.

As he hurriedly puts the rest of his costume on, one of his inner voices asks him if he knows that normal bullets don’t work on Draculas. He tells it he knows that but normal bullets should buy him enough time. He stops speaking when he turns to see the group of vampires standing in front of him again. The man tells Deadpool to listen to him and Deadpool says he is all ears. With his pants around his ankles, he opens fire on them again but this time the man barely flinches. Instead, the man becomes angry and lunges at Deadpool, telling him to stop shooting. They came here to hire him, not kill him. As police sirens ring out, a female vampire, wounded by the bullets, tells the others they have to go. The man hands Deadpool a green slip of paper and says to meet them at this address at dusk tomorrow. Deadpool says he doesn’t work for Draculas, as he’s one of the good guys now. The man drops the piece of paper, which says “Colvin, Director” on it and tells Deadpool so are they.

At dawn, Deadpool sits on an oil tank at an abandoned train yard. He looks at the piece of paper the vampires gave him and asks his brain what to do. One of his inner voices tells him to go to the address and listen to what the Draculas have to say, as they said they were the good guys. Deadpool begins to object but the voice tells him that he can become a good guy, then it’s not impossible that they can too. Deadpool says that it makes sense and that he will have to ponder it. He sticks the piece of paper to his forehead and thinks for a few seconds before giving up. He decides to talk to the Draculas and, if their offer is legit, he’ll take it. If not… well, y’know.

At Dusk, Deadpool goes to the address and meets with the vampires. Colvin, the man who met him before, tells him that the vampire kingdom has been thrown into chaos and their balance of power has been destroyed. Dracula’s son Xarus has staged a coup and threatens to undo in days everything the sect has accomplished over the course of centuries. Deadpool asks if he meaning sucking people’s blood and transforming into bats. Colvin seems confused by this and Deadpool tells him he’s making it sound like the Draculas have done all this great stuff. But, as far as he can tell, the only cool things they’ve done is getting staked by the Frog brothers in Lost Boys. The female vampire glares at Deadpool and tells Colvin they should explore other, better options.

Colvin tells the woman, Svetlana, that they are coming and coming fast. The fact they haven’t already attacked makes him nervous. They don’t have time for other options; it’s either Deadpool or nothing. Deadpool sits down on one of the sofas and asks them who is coming. Colvin tells him the Claw sect probably. When Deadpool asks who they are, Colvin dryly replies a rival sect of other Draculas. Deadpool says it makes total sense, except they are both sects of Draculas. Colvin asks if he was listening when he told him about the coup. Deadpool tells him he was but Colvin asks him if he knows what a coup is. Deadpool enthusiastically tells them he does as he has been involved in dozens of them. But maybe to reassure themselves maybe they should explain it to him.

Elsewhere, a group of vampires stand outside a hospital. They carry swords and are dressed in black with bandages covering their heads, legs and arms. One of them says they should attack now as the Mystikos are weak. Why lessen their victory by waiting until they are even weaker? Another vampire, Ceres, tells him it’s because it’s more fun this way. The first vampire, Geza, says that it’s not to him. Ceres asks him how many times he has killed, if he can even remember. Geza says he doesn’t know and Ceres says he can’t either. In fact, he imagines that none of them know. But to kill under the light of the sun… that would be memorable. With that, he pulls out an amulet from around his neck and holds it up.

Deadpool is shocked the vampires can go out in the sun. Colvin explains that Xarus provided his clan with amulets that can block a portion of the ultraviolet spectrum. He continues to talk but Deadpool doesn’t understand a word he or Svetlana are saying. Eventually, they get to a bit Deadpool does understand… they need protection during the day. They ask him to name his price and he thinks for a few moments about the offer. Svetlana tells Colvin that Deadpool is going to shoot them again but Deadpool assures them he isn’t. But he isn’t going to help them either, for two reasons. They’re both Draculas. He waves them goodbye and starts to walk out. Colvin says he asked them what they’ve done that is so great. He offers to tell Deadpool the answer.

Over one hundred years ago, they pooled their resources to build a hospital. Now they are one of the last privately owned hospitals in the nation. In over one hundred years, they have never turned a patient away for any reason. Plus, they have one of the lowest mortality rates of any hospital on the planet. Thirty percent of their gross annual profits is donated to various humanitarian aid foundations. The rest is used to pay the staff. The only thing they take is blood… and a small administration fee. Colvin tells Deadpool that Xarus and his kind want to go to war with the human race but he wants to save it. If Deadpool really is one of the good guys, then now would be a hell of a time to prove it. Deadpool finally agrees to help them but asks them, if they can walk around in the day like normal people, how he is going to spot them. Colvin tells him that it won’t be a problem.

At the Mercy General Hospital, Geza sneaks in through the sewers. He is discovered by Dr. Matsuzaki, who asks if she can help him. He tells her he will help himself and advances on her. She pulls a gun on him and says that two years of self-defense courses and three weeks of firearm training say he won’t. With his red eyes shining through the bandages around his face, he says that her weapon won’t save her. From behind, Deadpool tells him his will. With that, he thrusts a wooden stake through the his chest. Geza screams and so Deadpool slices his head off with his katana. He turns to Dr. Matsuzaki, who is stood there stunned and covered in blood. He tells her she looks hot and asks if she wants to get some tacos after he finishes killing the rest of the Draculas. She asks if the vampire he killed is Dracula but he says it’s one of them. She hides behind him and asks if there are more. He tells her the place is crawling with them.

Ceres radios to Geza and asks if he has found the entrance to the resting chambers yet. Deadpool answers back and says it’s in the chapel. Ceres, thinking it’s still Geza, says his voice sounds different. Deadpool says he is all choked up on the blood he is drinking because he is a Dracula. Ceres tells on of the other vampires to go to the chapel to see what’s going on.

Deadpool tells Dr. Matsuzaki that they have to get moving. He grabs her by the arm but she says she has to tell security and make sure the patients are safe. He tells her he can’t let her do any of that, so she shoots him in the leg. As he writhes on the floor in pain, one of his inner voices exclaims that she shot him. The other one adds it was in the leg, though. The first asks what the difference is and the second says she could have shot them in the head. The first comes to the conclusion that she must love them and the second agrees.

Dr. Matsuzaki tries to escape but Deadpool shoots her in the leg. She collapses on the floor and Deadpool tells her he got her message and he feels the same too. He leans down to her and screams for him not to touch her. He picks her up and she struggles and kicks him. He tells her not to worry about her leg it’s just a…. She interrupts and yells that she knows what kind of wound it is, because she’s a doctor. He tells her he’s Deadpool and they are going to be so happy together. She asks where he is taking her and he tells her the chapel.

They enter the small room with an alter at the front and stained glass windows all around. Light beams in through the windows and Deadpool asks if it’s romantic. One of the claw sect vampires appears behind him and tells him it’s very romantic. Dropping Dr. Matsuzaki on the floor, Deadpool tells her he’s got this. He goes up to the vampire and tells him he must be wondering what this guy is thinking. He should be pooping his pants in terror because he is such a big scary Dracula but he is so calm.

Deadpool says that’s his first mistake, causing the vampire to ask what it was. Deadpool replies that it’s assuming that he was thinking. But he shouldn’t worry because everybody does that. The vampire tells Deadpool his first mistake was telling them where he could find him. Deadpool replies that it wasn’t actually because it’s the room with the most windows. The vampire whips out his amulet and shows Deadpool, telling him it protects him from the sun. Deadpool shoots the amulet and the vampire burns from the sunlight coming through the stained glass windows.

As the vampire burns to ash, Deadpool tells the doctor that it was a hell of a first date. She screams and asks what’s going on. He agrees with her and says that vampires dressed like mummies that can be killed with silver bullets like werewolves… pick one and stick with it. He asks if there is a surveillance area where they can review the security feeds. She tells him it’s at the end of the main hall and he asks if the security guards hang out there. She says they don’t hang out there all the time. He picks her up and says that’s the next place the Draculas are going to hit. He’d hate for a bunch of guys to get killed just because they showed up to work today.

In the security room, one of the security guards is looking at the CCTV feeds and he tells another that he is sure he saw a big flash of light by the chapel. The other says there was no smoke alarm and tells him camera 9 is still down. The first guard says that Oscar the janitor is down there and he asked him to check it out. Oscar suddenly gets through on the radio and says he has found a body with no head. After a few seconds, he suddenly spots the head, belonging to that of Geza. He asks the others what they want him to do. The guard tells him he thinks he should come back to them.

Ceres appears behind them with two more vampires. He tells them that is an excellent idea; the more the merrier.

Characters Involved: 




Numerous other vampires in Colvin’s sect

Claw sect vampires

Dr. Matsuzaki

Doctors and nurses at hospital



Claw sect vampires

Security guards

Oscar the janitor

Story Notes: 

This is a tie-in to the Curse of the Mutants event which is mainly shown in X-Men (3rd series) #1-6 as well as other tie-ins.

Dracula’s son Xarus murdered his father and took over his vampire clan. He then brought together the various vampire clans and issued them with amulets that allow them to walk in the sunshine without being hurt. He then decided to try and turn the X-Men into vampires in a bid to gain some super-powered allies.

Lost Boys is a vampire film starring Kiefer Sutherland.

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