Deadpool teleports somewhere on a grassy field, but doesn’t know how this could happen. Suddenly, a fist appears and hits him! Wade gets punched off a giant hill, and falls down, hitting some heavy rocks before eventually falling onto the grass. Wade doesn’t move anymore, but that’s because he’s… dead!
Wade’s spirit descends from his body. Patrick Swayze on a pogo-stick, Wade thinks that somebody needs to call his agent, thinking there’s a problem with the script. But, he has a reality-check. He knows it’s a nasty fall he just took, but this is probably just one of those pain-induced hallucinations you always hear about from guys whose elbows have just been shattered by him. Suddenly, Death stands behind him. Wade says hi to the babe, as they haven’t seen each other for a while.
Death wastes no time, and immediately kisses Wade! He had forgotten she had some digits. That’s the kind of detail a guy should remember from the last time they met.
Several years ago…
A general is sitting behind a desk, talking to someone standing in front of him. The general asks the person if he knows what he likes best about Shepard dogs. It’s because they have pride. When you look into a Shepard’s eyes, he’ll gaze back with defiant pride because it thinks it’s better than its boss. He’s more loyal and courageous and especially more trustworthy. And, the dog’s right on all accounts, especially on the person’s account. The dog is a miracle on four legs. “God” is spelled “dog” backwards. That’s a fact that can be looked up. The general takes out his lighter, in the shape of a Shepard dog, and smokes a cigar.
He continues to say that no matter how a person rearranges the letters of their name, it always spells the same thing: “trash.” The general wouldn’t let his dogs to their business on them, let alone waste time flapping his gums with. However, the general’s people have told him the person standing in front of him is more cultivated than most of his mercenary breed. He asks if it’s true that he’s trash with potential. Hesitant, Wade knows that he isn’t a canine, but certainly not trash. The general thinks that that’s outstanding and suggests they start the tour around the big house.
The general reveals that the island they are on is owned by the Special Weapons development branch of the Canadian government, better known as Department K. The little facility the general and Wade are standing in is called the Weapon X facility by the suits, but the people inside prefer to call it the Hero Factory. The general notices that Wilson looks pretty good for someone having cancer. Wade explains that he gave up the chemo, as he didn’t see the point of it.
The general remembers that he had a Pekingese once, named Snowball, and it caught cancer in her left ovary. He thinks it’s his wife’s fault, not the cancer, but that they had a Pekingese. The veteran wanted to cut it out, but then she would have been worthless. The general doesn’t know what good a pure-bred lapdog is when you can’t breed it. They got two litters out of her before she passed on. It’s a horrible way to go, but she took it like a Shepard. The General asks Wilson if he now understands it that everything always goes back to dogs, and that Wade could learn a thing or two from Snowball. Not that Wade will have to worry about the cancer much longer, as people work miracles in here.
Wade looks up, and they recognize Vindicator flying over their heads! The General is proud of him. Vindicator can transcend his station, climb up out of the muck and fly with the angels. And Vindicator is just the beginning. He’s the first. Wade will soon see what they’ve cooked up with since. Better yet, Wade will be presuming he has the will and skill to evolve. So, the general wonders if they have reached a parting of the ways, or have they together just began their adventure?
Hesitant, Wade claims to be ready whenever the general is. The general congratulates Wade, as he has spoken like a true Shepard. He thinks Wade will make one bang-up super hero. Wade smiles, and watches how Vindicator flies over the hills. The general corrects that Wade will make a fine super hero, unless he bombs out of the Program of course, because then he will be fresh meat!
An unknown amount of time later…
It’s delivery day at the hallways and one of the spokesmen is getting impatient, wanting to know where his betting butchers are. He shouts that three new rejects have just been dropped down the hole, and people can believe him, this crop of Weapon X candidates will not disappoint. Among the crowd are Jacques and Todd, who are in a betting mood.
The spokesman opens up the Weapon X databanks, and introduces the crowd to a freaked out Michelle, one of their inmates, who sits scared and alone in a corner. She’s a sensory enhancement failure according to the spokesman and the scientists can’t modulate the input levels, which means that Michelle goes insane and kills herself in probably two weeks.
The spokesman also introduces R. Hoek, a big, hulking misshapen inmate. He’s got strength augmentation mishap, and his muscles got so dense Hoek can’t even lift his own hand or anything else. The fat ones like Hoek usually last a while. He’s low in the ‘pool, bedding points make fifteen to one that Hoek dies in three months. Another door opens, and then the spokesman’s databanks go a little fuzzy. But they soon go online again, and the spokesman recognizes the next prisoner as Wade Wilson!
He jokes that the employees at the Weapon X compound got a little wager going on, and to get the proper odds they need to know what brings Wade to the land of misfit toys like him. Wade angrily takes out a self-made gun out of wood, thinking he’s got two bullets in it and isn’t afraid to use it. He threatens the spokesman to leave, as he just wants to be left alone. Wade recognizes the spokesman as Worm and tells him to back off, so he can have some private time to drink some water. Worm does as told, but Wade still plays with his gun.
Suddenly, A-Man enters and punches Wade into the face and even breaks his arm! A-Man next knocks Wade out, and drags him away. Worm whispers that if Killebrew has taken a liking to him, he’s never going to die. Another inmate recognizes that Wilson has just become the new king of the deadpool.
Death releases Deadpool, who liked reliving that part of his past as much as seeing a marathon of “Seventh Heaven.” Wade knows that once you die your life is supposed to flash in front of you, but he just wants to skip it all and order the Special Edition with the computer enhanced good parts. Like that time in Katmandu with the Malaka Twins, for instance, or when he gave the vice-president a wedgie. Wade knows that it’s bad enough he died because some guy he never met before hit him to it, but he doesn’t want to go over each stain on his permanent record. He suggests they just walk over to the part where they walk to the tunnel of light. On that very moment, Death touches Wade’s head using her hand.
Fire gets thrown over Wade’s body, who lies chained on an operating table. He screams from the pain, this making Killebrew glad that at least Wade’s pain receptors still work. He just doesn’t understand how those Department K jokers stay employed with all this torment. A-Man jokes that their failure is Killebrew’s gain. Wade, almost without breath, wants to know why he’s there. Killebrew introduces himself, and mentions that he runs this facility for their good friends over at Departments H & K. He welcomes Wade at… the Workshop!
Wade, wanting to die, begs Killebrew to kill him. Both Killebrew and A-Man laugh. If they had a penny for every time they heard that remark, they wouldn’t have to do this work anymore, as they would be rich like hell. Killebrew suggest he makes this simple, as he knows how thickheaded mercenaries can be. Wade flunked out from super hero school. Well, Killebrew is the man who collects the rejects and finds a use for them, or at least, parts of them. He knows that Wade came to the hospice expecting to die with some dignity, but Killebrew has some important work to do. And for that, he needs test subjects, and Wade is such a thing. And, just so long as Wade doesn’t feel betrayed, Killebrew mentions that the Canadian government has no idea about what’s going on down here: this is his own cottage industry! Wade wants to know what Killebrew is going to do to him. Killebrew smiles, laughing that he can do anything he wants…
After the experiments…
Deadpool remembers himself sitting in his dark room, alone, after Killebrew’s torments. He laughs at how the world works. By him, there once was a good man who lived in that room. He brushed between meals (brushy brush!). He washed behind his ears (scrubby scrub!). He even did the right thing, as a reward for years of goodness, bad things suddenly happened to him. Too bad Wade remembers all this. The bad things let the good man away from the nice life and swell car into a crummy job breaking noses just for food in exchange. Wade remembers how he used to talk to himself thinking he was still a good man. He was tired of popping and wanted a new life.
He fell in love with a good girl with bad skin (bad skin trade). In those days, Wade lived in the middle of the road, but saw a second chance with his bad skin. He grabbed it with both hands. Wade thought that the world rewarded his enthusiasm with cancer (pop!). He had no more girl, went from the middle of the road to become a gutter man. In those days, Wade killed a lot of people, and did it well (snap neck, crackle spine, pop eye). He remembers how a shining knight in a military uniform and a bad breath came to him and told him he could take the cancer away (cigars!). Wade took this as a sign, like a last chance. Thanks to the many experiments of Killebrew, the cancer from the inside matched his outside, and Wade’s entire body became seemingly infected.
It was in these dark times that Death first approached Wade. He remembers…
Wade thought that after seeing her for the first time, his sanity was definitely gone. Death was surprised that Wade could see her. Wade thought it was funny, as he always expected his descent into madness to be more violent. This was almost anti-climatic, though he isn’t complaining. Death immediately thought that something was wrong, as a living being shouldn’t be able to see her, at least not until the actual time of departure. If Wade, or anyone else could, they’d instantly go out of their ground. But, Death didn’t saw any aneurysms erupting, and Wade hasn’t started drooling yet.
Death ducked. A loud noise was heard and she fell a little pain. Wade freaked out, as that sound sounded real and nothing like a hallucination. Death apologized, as she only wanted to take a peek. It was amazing to have a breathing soul to interact with. She immediately imagined all the possibilities. Wade couldn’t believe it, at first thinking Killebrew must have slipped him something. Death doesn’t want to go through the drama queen routine: she’s Death, and Wade simply had to face it. She was there to provide a little… friendly motivation.
She knows Wade called for her, even defined her. She’s exactly as Wade wanted to see and hear her. Even to feel her, in order to make his transition desirable. Death suddenly understood why Wade could see her and why she was drawn to this place: body and soul, Wade is primed to pierce the dark veil, but outside circumstances conspires to keep himself alive, and Wade has given into them.
Wade asked for mercy. Death asked if Wade wanted her. He did, for no matter what these people did to him. Death wanted proof and, if Wade truly loved her, he would kiss her. Wade hesitated. Death just wanted a kiss… and a dead body, of course. After all, she can’t take the captain until the ship sinks. Death challenged Wade to come get her and find a way to die. She promised it would be worth his while. And in the meantime, she promised she would be around whenever he found it.
During the upcoming days, Wade writes the following in his diary:
This has been a bad month. He tried repeatedly to get together with Death attempting suicide, but she hasn’t returned the calls. Part of Wade thinks that Death really was a part of his hallucination. He is especially prone to these thoughts when undergoing more horrible experiments at the Workshop. Wade hallucinates about a lot of things when he’s in there, but never about her. He wants to see Death again – badly. He thinks about her all the time.
A-Man is getting on Wade’s nerves, constantly laughing at him. He’s clearly a man who does not understand desire and romance. If Wade wasn’t too busy trying to kill himself, A-Man would be the first in line for a neck-breaking. Killebrew comes in second. On a Wednesday, Wade’s body made noises he never heard before. He also saw Big Bird riding Gerald Ford. His odds in the deadpool are now three thousand to one. He’s starting to lose hope. Wade hates the attending meetings. He can’t take much more of Killebrew’s ongoing, horrible experiments. He wants to find a way to see Death again. At these times, Wade had wished people would give him a pen, as it’s hard to keep a journal inside your head.
Wade, sitting in a wheelchair, plays poker with Worm, Jaques, Steve and Todd. Wade finds this degrading. Worm jokes that it’s hysterical, too. Todd calls a turn. He tells Wade not to worry, as the attending will let him out as soon as he’s finished his rounds. He asks Steve if he’s got anything, but he passes his turn over to Jacques. Jacques doesn’t have anything either and Wade folds, having a bad hand. Worm laughs, as never in his experience as hospitality god has he met someone with such poor luck as Wade. Worm thinks that Wade is going to top the deadpool forever, thinking he’s never going to bite it.
Wade isn’t so sure, confident he’ll find some way to get A-Man out of his way. Worm laughs, not thinking that a tumor factory like Wade is going to battle the pinnacle of Weapon X. Worm thinks the only reason he’s not out leaping buildings and saving babies is because A-Man is such a cheap sadistic creep. Wade thinks that everyone has a weakness. Worm doesn’t think A-Man has one, and lets his build-in computer perform an analysis on A-Man.
The computer reports that A-Man’s nerves have been removed for pain management. Psychology skewed, so he follows orders. He’s also got enhanced strength and intuitive capacity, as well as subcutaneous implants for speed and resiliency. And, A-Man is also twisted as a corkscrew. In this place, whatever Francis wants, he gets. Wade, observing how A-Man kills a nearby standing man, realizes that Francis must be A-Man’s real name. Worm panics, telling Wade that name just slipped out and that Wade should forget about it. The A-Man hates his real name. The last guy who used it woke up one day with his feet where his colon used to be. Wade, sadistically smiling, likes that thought.
A-Man orders a robot to send the remains of the body to Dr. Killebrew, so he can start his newest experiment. Wade walks over to A-Man, joking he knew a kid named Francis once. He was so fat he had to iron his clothes on the driveway. He asks Francis, the A-Man, if he used to be fat as well. A-Man turns around angrily, wanting to know who wants to be shut down… permanently. Wade jokes that would be him. He jokes and asks Francis if it’s true what they say about little boys with little girl names? That they’re too sissy to play football, but not pretty enough to get asked to the prom? Everyone gets scared, except for Worm who realizes what Wade is doing.
Francis shouts that his mom always used to say that when you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all! Unimpressed, Wade continues to joke saying Francis Prancis in pink frilly panties. Everyone has to prevent themselves from laughing, but A-Man shouts at everyone to keep their mouths shut and destroys a control panel. A-Man walks away, with everyone thinking that Wade’s odds have just slid to nine hundred to one.
A few hours later…
A-Man has chained Wade onto an electric chair! Since Francis knows Wade doesn’t like to apologize, he’ll just skip to the main part and electrocutes Wilson!
A few seconds later, Wade arrives in Death’s castle! She wears a long, purple dress and mentions that Wade surely took his sweet time to come see her. Normally, she likes that in her men, but only under certain circumstances. Wade, wearing a nice tuxedo, wants to know where he is and if he’s truly dead.
Death denies that he’s dead. Back in his body, Wade is bleeding out of his ears with a million volts of electricity sautéing his spleen, but she thought he wouldn’t mind a little distraction. She suggests they dance. Wade is hesitant, claiming he can’t dance. Death thinks he should learn. Since there isn’t much time left for Wade to dance, he’d better enjoy his body, and hers, while his soul still has a shape. She mentions Wade that, after he crosses, it gets complicated. But he doesn’t have to worry, as she’ll be gentle. Wade thanks her, but jokes that gentle isn’t on the menu this evening. He wants to rock. Death jokes that sure is fore warded of Wade, but he should keep that up.
Wade gets up, joking those were good times. The band even played “Someone to watch over me.” They laughed, danced though Death never even once did the Lambada, though Wade guesses it’s “the forbidden dance” for a reason. Waiting to die was the best time of his life. He notices Death turning away and asks her what’s wrong, having thought that’s what she wanted him to remember. He gives Death a hug but notices something above.
The guy who attacked Wade jumps down to his corpse. Wade tells Death not to bother about that guy, thinking he doesn’t want to dance. On that very moment, Death touches Wade’s face again, and he remembers.
Several years ago…
Jacques, Steve and Todd watch in fear as A-Man enters, carrying two other defeated guys with him. A-Man puts the two guys down onto their seats and starts shouting at them. Worm ignores it and asks Wade if they can talk, thinking they’ve become friends of some sort. Wade agrees. Worm asks if Wade noticed something different about the other inmates, like a lightness in their steps or something. Wade jokes they’ve probably got too much lithium in the air supply again.
Worm doesn’t think so, telling Wade things changed because of him. His war with Francis caused a battle of wills in a place where most guys check their spine at the door. And somehow Wade seems to be winning that war, in style. He’s filling the entire place with hope. Wade, smoking a cigarette, thinks Worm must be losing it again. He’s probably downloading John Wayne movies again. Worm denies that.
He tells Wade to look at everyone’s eyes. They’re filled with hope and A-Man is losing his control over the place. Wade is becoming a hero. This makes Wade angry, defending that he doesn’t care anything about anyone in this entire place and is most definitely not a hero. Worm tells Wade that he could actually do some good in this place if he wanted. Wade angrily shouts that there don’t exist any good or right things in this world or else a place like this wouldn’t exist. He walks away. Worm shouts at everyone to listen to him, as the odds against Wilson have jumped to fifty to one because he his heart is already dead.
Later, A-Man goes to complain to Killebrew that nobody respects him anymore because of Wilson and wants to kill him for it. Killebrew orders A-Man not to do that, as Wilson’s entire body is filled with useful information and is to be left unharmed. He suggests A-Man that he can go make people fear him again if he likes to, but Wade is to be left alone. A-Man understands and walks away.
At the same time, Death has pulled Wade to her again and they are sitting together in an imagined grassy landscape. Death thinks Wade was a little rough on Worm today, but he doesn’t think so. He thinks Worm doesn’t fit in the bigger plan and is certain that, after all this is done with, they won’t even remember each other and Worm can go look for a hero someplace else. That’s what Death wanted to hear. Wade promises her that he’s hers. Death isn’t so sure, and promises Wade that he’ll soon see what she means about that.
The next day…
A-Man calls out to Wade, telling him it’s time for him to take his daily medicine. Wade walks up to Francis, thinking he can make him mad again. Other inmates try to warn Wade about something but he ignores them. A-Man opens up a door, and Wade follows him. They enter a huge lab, where they find Worm chained onto a torture table! Wade defends that Worm is to be left alone, as he didn’t do anything wrong, but A-Man isn’t interested in that, as he’s done messing around.
If Wade agrees to approach him with respect again, A-Man promises he shall leave Worm alone. Worm tells Wade not to give in. He knows that deep down Wade didn’t mean what he said earlier and to keep on. Wade hesitates and almost agrees with A-Man, but then ignores everything and shouts at A-Man that he’s nobody’s slave.
That’s good enough for A-Man. He activates a machine, which starts draining A-Man’s life! Wade quickly pulls Worm off the machine. He’s still alive, but endures much pain. Death approaches Wade, asking him to help her ease Worm’s suffering. Wade breaks Worm’s neck. Death confirms that Worm’s dead now. A-Man approaches Wade, telling him he knows what’s going to happen now: Killebrew doesn’t like it when his toys get broken, so now in return Wade will have to die as well.
A few hours later, Wade gets put on another torture chair. Killebrew is disappointed. He mentions that he thought to have almost discovered what was wrong with Wade and that he could really be somebody. A-Man smiles, but Wade shouts that this isn’t over yet. Death appears and tells Wade not to worry, as she’ll be right here with him. Needles get stuck through Wade’s stomach and A-Man pulls out Wade’s heart. Killebrew and Francis give Wade his last few minutes alone to die. Death tells Wade not to fight it, and to kiss her so they can be together forever. Wade suddenly feels weird. A green light bursts through him!
Wade gets up and wonders why he’s still alive, as his heart was pulled out of his chest! Death thinks it’s his healing factor kicking in and that Wade is fighting to stay alive. And she wants him to stop it. Wade takes a look into his chest, which glows in a green light. He feels weird, like God… Death claims that God doesn’t have anything to do with this. Wade’s will for vengeance made this possible. Death mentions she has plans for Wade, though even had others. She disappears.
Wade shouts that Death must be thinking because she’s a cosmic entity means she can storm off like that just because he’s late for a date. But he wants to take this opportunity to do whatever he wants and promises that afterwards, he and Death shall be together.
Wade kills some security guards and takes their guns. He rushes towards the meeting room, where Francis is listing that the name “Wade Wilson” or any of his nicknames are to never again be spoken in these halls. Suddenly, Wade bursts in ready for action. A-Man freaks out as he thought Wade had died. Wade jokes that only his mortician knows that for sure, and even he won’t tell him. He opens fire upon A-Man, but he dodges all of the bullets. He jumps towards Wade and starts crushing his bones, but Wade manages to survive. A-Man shouts that Wilson can’t do this. Wade takes a few moments to recover, and then shoots A-Man! Wade mentions that Francis is correct. Wade Wilson can’t do this… but Deadpool can! Deadpool is in the house, and he’s here to stay!
With his final breath, Francis jokes that Wade looks so ugly now that not even his mother will play with him anymore. Wade takes a look into a nearby mirror, and notices the scales on his entire body. He thought his healing factor should have taken care of them by now, but doesn’t think it’s a problem. The other inmates warn Wade that they’ve seen Killebrew trying to escape, but Wade tells them they can go after him if they want to. He’s done. As everyone leaves, Wade calls out to Death that he’s ready to go now. But he gets no response, and remains silent for a while.
Wade never saw Death as a woman who could hold a grudge, but she sure did. Wade had to live a long time with that decision, with what he became that day. Wade sure is glad Death brought that up again. Wade suddenly hears something: his attacker is saying something. He takes a closer look.
Ajax introduces himself to Wilson’s body and mentions he’s a cleaner. It feels nice to him to have finally beaten him, though to be honest he would have preferred a little more screaming. Ajax takes off his mask, and Wade recognizes him as… Francis?! Wade doesn’t know how this can be possible as he killed the guy first.
Suddenly, a lot of ghosts appear next to death, and Wade recognizes some of them: Jacques, Todd and… Worm. Wade thinks it’s nice that all of his former buddies are back to help him get to the afterlife. Worm claims they aren’t exactly there, but stuck somewhere and need a favor. Worm explains that the day Wade blew up the hospice, he saved all of them, but also condemned them. And now they’re all involved into that big thing between Deadpool and Francis simply because Wade didn’t actually finish the job. Ajax survived, just like Wade and was reborn but with a singular hateful purpose.
He tracked down everyone of the Weapon X escapees and killed them one by one, until he found Wade. Their blood is on Wade’s hands. Wade doesn’t believe that. Worm explains to Wade that he promised to make Francis pay for what he did, even forsook Death for revenge but he hasn’t come through on his end of the bargain. Wade has to become alive again and kill Ajax for good this time. Wade isn’t sure about that, as he hasn’t killed anyone in a while. Officially. Worm tells Wade that’s his problem. Besides, he doesn’t have much of a choice, unless he prefers to be haunted by the people like them.
Wade finally realizes this is why Death has been quiet. She isn’t there for him, just to make him remember so the boys could make their pitch. He asks Death if she’s certain this is the only way. Wade realizes it is, which seems to be the story of his life. Wade promises he’ll do it but needs a second first. Worm and the others thank Wade. The ghosts disappear. Wade walks over to Death, and gives her a kiss goodbye!
A few moments later, once Ajax is gone, Wade gets transported back into his body and is alive again! He thinks it’s official now: Death sure can kiss. He hopes that, the next time they kiss, it’ll be a “hello” kiss and not a goodbye one. He gets up, and walks away, with Death waving him goodbye.