Planet Spartax:
In a high rise, several politicians discuss the current pressing matters while, outside, citizens protest. They realize the people are unhappy, because a promise was made to them and the promise was not fulfilled. One politician, Glogug, accuses the others of lying to the people.
They did no such thing, another person, Togth, shrugs. They allowed the people to elect a new king, and they did. Because he is nowhere to be found, Glogug points out. And whose fault is that? Togth smirks. Glogug points out that they elected him without even consulting him. As is allowed in their planetary system’s by-laws, she replies. Instead of being given a king, they were terrorized by the Black Vortex! Glogug rants. Instead of stability, they live in fear of their planet being destroyed like the Kree homeworld. Instead of Spartax taking advantage of the hole left behind by the destruction of the Kree Empire—
Togth asks if he needs some time to compose himself. Where is their newly elected king? he shouts. Where is Peter Quill? And what is he doing that is more important than ruling his planet?
The answer lies somewhere in a space bar, where Peter is busy kissing his fiancée, Kitty Pryde. Making out in a bar. How romantic, she jokes. He thinks they should get married here. She knows he’s only half joking and, if she said “yes,” he would. Maybe? he replies. No, she smiles. So where are they getting married, Kitty Pryde, soon to be Kitty Quill? he asks. When are they getting married? she replies and adds she is keeping her name. They need to get married on Earth, right? he asks. Her mom and all.
She reminds him she’s Jewish. When her mom find out he’s not, she is going to kill him. Even if it means teaming up with Doctor Doom or Kang and whatever, she is going to find a way to fly out here and destroy him. Verbally, she adds. Peter believes he can handle verbally. Kitty assures him he can’t. Has she told the X-Men yet?
Hey, Quill! a drunk Rocket Raccoon shouts. Heads up! They look up to sees a news screen announcing that the newly elected president of Spartax, Peter Quill, is missing. What is this? Kitty asks while Peter stammers. Rocket chuckles Quill is missing. That sucks. He knew this happened? Kitty asks. That he’s missing? No. That he was elected present of a planet! she shouts, exasperated. Oh well, that he kind of knew.
He knew, Rocket tattles. He was hoping it would go away. Because he is a male, Gamora adds darkly. Was he running from it? Kitty demands. Peter assures her it just kind of happened. Surprised, Kitty demands who did this. He has no idea. This is not how that works, she protests. Now she is the expert on how to get elected president of a planet? he asks. Defensively, she states on Earth it takes lots of time and money and vetting and long campaigns. That sounds insane Drax comments. “I am Groot,” Groot agrees.
Out here, it just kind of happens, Peter shrugs. So she would be First Lady of a planet? she wonders. He tells her he is not going to be president. Why not? And lose all this? he asks. That moment, the alien woman at the table next to them vomits out a small being, then falls over.
Suddenly, Spartax guards walk in address him as President Quill and informs him he is needed on Spartax. He refuses. He didn’t campaign for this. The guard points out that he can bring this up with the Council. They are simply the royal chaperone guard. They are here to get him home safely.
So he is their president? Peter asks. When the guard gives an affirmative, Peter orders them to piss off. The guard refuses. He is the president elect. He hasn’t been sworn in, so he has no authority over them. They are asking for his cooperation. If he refuses, they will bring him in by any means necessary.
That is all he needed to hear, Drax grins. “Have at thee!” Peter holds him back. That guy is just doing his job. Kitty offers to phase them out. The chase will still be on, Peter points out. Gamora adds he will have to deal with this like an adult. He’d really rather not, Peter sighs, but then decides he’ll go. They all will.
The order was just for him, the guard replies. Peter points, out Kitty is his fiancée. The guard tells him to pay her, so they can be on their way. He clarifies this means they are engaged to be married. And Drax is his secretary of defense. Drax bristles at this, until Peter explains it means he gets to go to war with people. And Gamora is his legal counsel. Unamused, she points out she is a being of cosmic power. His cosmic consigliere, Peter corrects. Rocket is his secretary… of raccoon / Spartax relations, Groot is his secretary of agriculture and Agent Venom… his body guard, Flash decides. So they are his cabinet.
When they are on their way, Kitty asks what’s going on. Peter replies they are going to go there, politely decline, fill their ship up with little royal bath soaps and go back to guarding the galaxy. What if it isn’t that easy? Kitty worries. Then she gets a princess wedding that he won’t have to pay for, Peter jokes.
Soon, Counselors Togth and Glogul welcome Peter to Spartax and inform him the people, meaning an incredibly large crowd, are expecting him. Ushered inside, the Guardians are silent. The two smiling advisors are sure Peter has some questions. Yeah, like how did that happen? Peter demands. Togth informs him he was elected, he took on his father’s corruption, stood up to him and helped oust him from power. He is seen as a hero, Glogul adds.
Chastened, Peter insists he can’t. Why? he is asked. To guard the galaxy? Now he can lead it! One would think it is a much more effective way to achieve his noble goals.
Peter becomes pensive and they keep on pressing, pointing out what he could achieve within the system. The Kree and Skrull Empires are no more. The Spartax Empire is on the cusp of becoming the true center of the galaxy. Imagine what he could do with that!
Soon, a servant leads Kitty through the palace to her quarters. Kitty admits she isn’t the handmaiden type. Smiling, the other young woman assures her she is to be the First Partner of Spartax. There are customs she will have to grow accustomed to. She shows Kitty the huge sumptuous quarters to be hers until the inauguration ceremony.
Rocket is ecstatic at being bathed by a pretty servant. Gamora meditates in the gardens. Groot happily converses with the other trees in the park. Drax beats up the guards, calling it training.
Flash Thompson looks down from the balcony of his rooms. A servant asks if he can get him anything. Would he like a closer view of the royal city? Flash demurs. He was just remembering coach in high school told him he was never going to leave Forest Hills. He’d really like to call him now. The servant muses how to arrange this. But conversations with less evolved planets need to be signed off by the president…
That moment, the ground rumbles. Flash activates his alien symbiote and asks if this is normal.
Elsewhere, the two advisors address Peter’s ruse to bring the Guardians here as a council. Why not really do that? Turn the Guardians into his galactic Council? Hesitatingly, Peter replies he appreciates their point but he just isn’t that kind of guy. He’s the other guy; the guy railing against the system. He can’t be the guy in the system. Glogul bluntly tells him that sounds like a rather immature life philosophy. He knows, Peter admits.
They try to talk him into it when they too hear the rumbling, as do the others. They run to the window and see another planet hanging very closely above the royal city…
