Pint-Sized X-Babies #1

Issue Date: 
August 1998
Story Title: 

Ruben Diaz (Writer), J.J. Kirby (Pencils), Sean Parson with Koblish, Perrotta, Vines, Russel, Williams, and Ramos (Inkers), Ruffner, Hicks, Schigiel, Smith, and Tutrone (Colorists), Richard Starkings and Comicraft’s Dave Lanphear (Letters), Matt Idelson (Editor), Bob Harras (Editor in Chief), Chris Claremont and Art Adams (Creators of X-Babies)

Brief Description: 

The X-Babies almost defeat the Brotherhood of Mutant Bullies, led by Magneato, as they steal a vegetation-altering gem from the friendly Pix in Pix Village. However, Magneato beats the group, who return home to Charlie X, who is unable to locate B.O.M.B. Cyke blames Wolvie for the loss but, before they can discuss things, they are kidnapped by the Centennials, robots sent by Mojo, who wants the X-Babies for his new trivia show hosted by the deadly Arcade. In the process, Charlie X is paralyzed and left behind. The X-Babies find that they are competing against the captured B.O.M.B. The X-Babies lose the first round miserably and Cyke and Wolvie are sent to a fortress where they must climb to the top if they want to stay in the game. Unfortunately, Cyke must sacrifice himself along the way and Wolvie emerges victorious alone. He is sent back, but the X-Babies lose the next round and Creepy Crawler and Colossusus must face their own challenge. They return in time as the other babies lose the next round, sending Boyo and Shower to a graveyard, where they find themselves trapped in a mausoleum. They are reunited with the other X-Babies, whom Arcade sent as he found them annoying. They fight a bogeyman, but are defeated. Suddenly, Cyke arrives on Locksteed, whom he found and saves the team. They take the fight back to Arcade, but the cavalry arrives in the form of Charlie X and tons of other X-Babies. The X-Babies return home and later on “Arcade” is revealed to be his baby version Funhouse in disguise. Funhouse is taken away to have his spine removed for his failure, despite the high ratings for the show, which Major Domo keeps a secret from Mojo, as he hates Funhouse.

Full Summary: 

In the far away land of the race of cute, little, cuddly, purple creatures known as the Pix, all is not well. While the majority of the Pix dance around joyfully like they always do, a group of their own find themselves hostage in their own pumpkin house. A Pix screams for his attacker not to hurt them any more. Mysti Q, member of the Brotherhood of Mutant Bullies, orders the Pix to hurry up and open the safe while he still can. Nearby, Slob wonders why they did not raid the Pix earlier, as they have great food. Speaking of which, where is Chef Pix with more munchies for him?

Snaggletooth, busy harassing two other Pix nearby, tells Slob to stay away from Chef Pix, since he is his hostage. If Slob is hungry, he should just snack on the rolls under his chin. Nearby, Misty Q finally gains what the Brotherhood was set out to find, which turns out to be a green gem. Mysti Q orders the group to prepare to leave when she realize that someone is missing. Where is Phyro?

Outside, Phyro stands outside the pumpkin house and tries to light a match beside a stack of apple stems. However, he seems to be having trouble getting the match to light, as in his excitement he keeps on snapping the pieces. Finally, the child is able to light one and uses his powers to amplify the flames. Suddenly, Phyro’s enjoyment is cut short as it begins to rain. As he claims that someone upstairs must hate him, a whirlwind picks up as he looks up at the sky to see the uncanny X-Babies, created by an evil overlord for amusement and exploitation. Phyro realizes that this does not bode well as Cyke, Wolvie, Boyo, Creepy Crawler, Colossusus and Shower descend from the sky.

Inside the pumpkin house, Mysti Q tells Snaggletooth to find out what trouble Phyro has gotten himself into. Not believing that a Pix could cause Phyro trouble, Snaggletooth heads to the door, ready to rip one of the purple men open. Suddenly, Wolvie smashes through the window and tackles Snaggletooth. The Pix are friends of the X-Men and, if the Brotherhood messes with the Pix, they mess with them. Wolvie reminds Snaggletooth that he is the best there is at what he does, but Snaggletooth asks if he means he is the best at fighting like a sissy.

Outside, Slob charges Cyke and Boyo, who ask his leader how they will defeat the dirty-playing Brotherhood. Cyke, the ever-charismatic leader, tells Boyo that they will have to rely on courage, ingenuity and a whole lot of luck. Slob yells a few threats at the two as he charges out of the house, but he finds that he is so fat that he gets stuck in the doorway of the house. Boyo and Cyke decide to give Slob a hand. They play rock-paper-scissor to decide who gets to help the stuck boy. Cyke winds as his rock defeats Boyo’s scissors. He then lets loose an optic blast that blasts Slob out of the doorway and into the opposite wall.

Inside, Wolvie has his claws popped out before Snaggletooth’s face and asks him who the man is. Your momma, replies the child Snaggletooth. Cyke enters and tells Wolvie that the game is over. Boyo announces that the Brotherhood will think twice before showing up in the Pix village again. Shower enters and tells the Pix that it is safe to come out as Creepy Crawler and Colossusus are searching the village for any other bad guys. One goofy looking Pix comes up to the X-Babies and thanks them on behalf of all the Pix and then excuses them all so they can go out and dance for joy.

Cyke sees through Mysti Q’s disguise and stops her. Cyke admits that she had a good disguise, but he knows no self-respecting Pix would take off his hat in public. Nearby, Wolvie is not impressed about Cyke’s detective skills or his showboating, as Wolvie’s senses have already told him that the Pix was actually Mysti Q. Suddenly, Colossusus is thrown into the house and Creepy Crawler teleports in, stating that the Brotherhood have reinforcements. Unfortunately, a wave of electromagnetic static instantly takes down the X-Babies.

Outside, Toadpole laughs at how easily Juggernut defeated Colossusus, though Juggernut claims that he is not finished yet. Suddenly, Magneato, master of magnetism arrives, announcing that no X-Babies will stop him from claiming the gem that mutated the vegetation around them into a luscious town. Toadpole is shocked at how low Magneato has sunk recently, though Juggernut reminds the boy that Magneato was born that evil. Magneato uses his powers to gather his Brotherhood. Wolvie, the only recovered X-Baby, calls out to Magneato and screams several expletives at him. Magneato tells Wolvie that such language is not appropriate for a little boy. He will not be so lenient in their next encounter.

Later on, at Mojo’s Broadcasting Company, a self-serving Pix presents Mojo, ruler of Mojoworld, a copy of the X-Babies fight with B.O.M.B. Mojo is delighted to add the episode to his sweeps week line-up. He then thinks about his rising return after Longshot and Dazzler threw him down into public access television. Mojo then asks the Pix the price for his betrayal to his kind. The traitor Pix tells Mojo that he just wants to stand apart from the herd. Mojo understands as he realizes all that happiness and singing and dancing might make someone mad. He then calls in Major Domo to take the Pix traitor to the Spineless conversion process. From the facial response on the Pix, this is not what he had in mind.

Major Domo enters with Mojo’s two lackeys, the Grips. Domo hands the traitor Pix a contract, stating that Mojo can use his likeness on any product. The Pix signs it and, before he truly realizes what he has gotten himself into, he is dragged away to have his spine cut out. Nearby, the villain known as Arcade states that the Pix should have just gotten a tattoo.

Mojo tells Arcade that the dullards are incapable of creativity and that is why he has called him in to help again. Arcade thought Mojo called him in because he missed him, but Major Domo wonders aloud if anyone could miss his crass personality. As Arcade and Major Domo bicker, Mojo asks them not to sully his moment of glory. He then tells Arcade he has a time slot between “America’s Funniest Animal Attacks” and “Hobo, P.I.” Perhaps his Murderworld show could find an audience among the Spineless?

Arcade, however, has a better idea. What about a trivia game show? Major Domo thinks that the idea is ridiculous, but Mojo loves it. What is better than watching a group of fools trying to kill each other for prizes every week? Arcade turns to Major Domo and gloats on how he is going to pull in the ratings. Domo, however, brings up one valid point. Where in the world will he get contestants to go on the show? From his family reunion? Mojo is overcome by a sinister look and tells Domo to leave that up to the Centennials.

In the Umbrella Forest is the Clubhouse for Gifted Youngsters, home of the X-Babies. Inside, the X-Babies watch their mentor, Charlie X, use Cerebrum to locate Magneato, but he does not succeed. Magneato must have found a way to block his alpha wave transmissions. Cyke is upset as they had the Brotherhood pegged… until Wolvie got too anxious. Wolvie pops his claws and tells Cyke not to blame him. Cyke then asks if someone else ignored specific orders. Annoyed by Cyke’s lisp, Wolvie tells him to say it, not spray it.

Cyke and Wolvie argue, even bringing up the time Wolvie chucked a smoke grenade into the Morlockin Tunnels. Colossusus must restrain Wolvie, who asks if Cyke will ground him. Nearby, Boyo and Shower suck on lollipops. Boyo thinks Wolvie needs a muzzle for Christmas, but Shower thinks that Wolvie is brave and honest.

Suddenly, the Centennials (a robotic dinosaur, bear, and a Sentinel dressed as a jester) arrive outside the clubhouse. Originally created as parade floats to celebrate the anniversary of Enslavement Day, Mojo has taken them over and reprogrammed them. The Centennials attack and the Sentinel version captures Shower and Boyo in its fist, as it smashes through the school. Charlie X gets up and tells the Babies that they are under attack, to which Wolvie sarcastically replies that they already know.

Colossusus and Wolvie perform their trademark Snikt and Spin routine, and as Wolvie is thrown through the air he is swallowed by the dinosaur Centennial. Nearby, a pile of rubble has collapsed on Charlie X, who cannot move. Cyke rushes to his mentor’s side, but Charlie tells him to stand by his teammates. However, it is too late. Creepy Crawler, Boyo, Shower, Colossus, and eventually Cyke are all taken down by the Centennials. The robots return back to Mojo, leaving the now paralyzed Charlie X trapped under the rubble of his clubhouse.

A few hours later, the X-Babies wake up in darkness. Boyo asks Creepy Crawler if he can teleport out, but the blur-furred X-Baby refuses, as he could potentially teleport into a wall or another solid object. Smelling something bad, Cyke wonders aloud if Creepy hasn’t already tried teleporting. Colossusus realizes that he has farted, but keeps this to himself. Wolvie announces that he has something that should shed the darkness.

He then lights a cigar, much to the chagrin of Shower. Wolvie explains that he got the match off of Phyro earlier. Shower, however, is not referring to the match, but to the cigar, which is bad for his health. Wolvie reveals that it also stunts his growth, which is why he is eating a candy bar, and if she wanted a piece she should have asked. Shower is shocked to realize that Wolvie actually has a candy bar and not a cigar. Suddenly, Creepy Crawler realizes that they are all moving. Green lights turn on and they find that they are on a platform, with an announcer telling them that the show will start in a few seconds.

The band known as Monkey Wagon plays the opening music and then introduces the show host, Arcade. Arcade welcomes the audience to his new show, Murderama. Today, two teams will try to answer questions on obscure categories. If they answer right, they get the goods. If wrong, the other team gets the points. The team with the lowest score at the end of each round will face a deadly challenge. A pair of players will be transported to battlefields, where they must survive to stay in the game.

Arcade then introduces the contestants. First, he introduces the X-Babies, who get booed by the crowd. Arcade then introduces the other contenders, B.O.M.B., whom the crowd loves. Arcade then starts the first round, entitled Breakfast Cereal Killers. The first question, worth $600, asks what the cereal mascot with a “nose” sharper than a bloodhound when it comes to tracking the flavors of fruit is. Cyke buzzes in and answers Toucan Sam… or he tries. Arcade, not understand Cyke with his lisp does not give Cyke the points, though adds that that X-Babies can still win this round if they answer the other questions right.

Wolvie answers the next question about a chocolate cereal mascot wrong, by answering with the Trix rabbit. Banshee gets his question wrong as well about Count Chocula, Frankenberry, Boo-berry, Fruit Brute, and Yummy Mummy. Shower is unable to guess the traditional marshmallows in Lucky Charms, and Creepy Crawler and Colossusus are stumped on their question concerning a cereal slogan later adapted by MTV.

In the end, the Brotherhood gains 3000 points, leaving the X-Babies with nothing. Arcade then selects the first two X-Babies to be sent to fight for their lives, and he chooses Wolvie and Cyke, though Wolvie is more disappointed in going with Cyke than in actually going. Arcade tells the audience that Wolvie and Cyke must scale a mountain fortress, before the next commercial break. The X-Babies will get 5,000 points if Cyke and Wolvie survive.

Cyke finds himself transported into the fortress and is strapped to a table, as a pendulum swings ever closer. Cyke is having trouble getting a good aim on his restraints and the pendulum. He then comes up with a plan and shoots his optic blast at the skull of a nearby dead prisoner, which deflects the blast into a cage, which deflects it into a mirror, which severs the rope holding the pendulum and the restraints. Cyke frees himself and reminds himself never to complain about his geometry homework again. He then hears a muffled sound coming from a coffin.

Cyke recognizes the voice as Wolvie and follows the sound of the voice. He then opens a nearby iron maiden and finds Wolvie in it with holes in his body thanks to the spikes of the maiden. Cyke is concerned, but Wolvie reminds him that he has a healing factor. Cyke and Wolvie traverse the empty catacombs and eventually come to a door with a draft. Thinking that it leads to the outside, Cyke opens it, but find a dark room without a floor. Instead, wooden poles in the ground are the only steps to the other side. Unfortunately, the two don’t have much time left.

Cyke feels that leaping around on the posts is dangerous, but Wolvie taunts him and asks him if he is scared. Cyke carelessly begins to go ahead and tells Wolvie he is only worried about flunking this test. Towards the end, Cyke miscalculates the distance between the last peg and the ledge, and crashes into the side of the ledge. He falls onto some loose rubble, which begins to shift. Wolvie extends his hand to Cyke, who cannot reach Wolvie. Wolvie pops his claws in hope that it will help. Cyke gets a little bit closer and is able to grab onto Wolvie’s claws as the rubble falls down. Both realize, however, that Wolvie is unable to lift Cyke back up, so the leader takes one for the team and lets go, plummeting into the abyss and to doom.

Wanting to honor Cyke, Wolvie advances to the next room and finds a dining hall full of warlords. However, the porthole to freedom is too high for Wolvie to reach unnoticed. He then jumps onto the table and asks the warlords to direct him to the nearest stepladder. The warlords find Wolvie to be so small and cute to cause them too much trouble, so they decide to slice him to pieces. Wolverine, however, is more vicious than imagined and defeats the Warlords in a feral rage. Wolvie jumps upon the pile of warlords and escapes to freedom.

Wolvie returns to the X-Babies, who ask where Cyke is. Wolvie does not want to talk about, which prompts Creepy Crawler to ask if their leader is okay. Arcade interrupts and introduces the next category, which is entitles “Playing with Fire.” To no surprise, Phyro has no problem with this category and wins it with ease. Boyo turns to Wolvie and asks him if he will not help them answer questions. Wolvie tells Boyo that he has done his share already.

Arcade tallies the scores and finds that Colossusus and Creepy Crawler will be sent to fight for their lives. They must unscramble a set of alphabet blocks scattered around a course. A clue to the answer is that “we wear them all our lives.”

Colossusus and Creepy Crawler are sent to a room full of large toys. Creepy Crawler wants to play for a while, but Colossus is more focused. They spot a piece on a giant boxing ring with two playable boxers. Creepy Crawler teleports upon the piece and claims it. Colossusus tells Creepy Crawler to watch out as one of the toy boxers attack. The boxers, resembling Sentinels, attack Creepy Crawler, who teleports away. He then jumps around and causes the two boxers to hit one another, allowing Colossusus to escape with the piece.

Colossusus and Creepy Crawler find themselves in several other dangerous scenarios, but are able to collect all the pieces. However, they are unable to unscramble the message. Colossus is able to solve the riddle, which is “genes.” Creepy Crawler tells Colossusus to head back to Arcade’s show, as he wants to stay behind and play on the racetrack.

The two return anyway, just as the category “Tortures that End with ‘Tion” comes to a close. Wolvie dominates in this category. However, Wolvie finds that his buzzer is not working, causing him and Boyo to feel that the Brotherhood is cheating. Unbeknownst to them, Snaggletooth has snuck underneath their floor and eaten the wires to their buzzer. The X-Babies lose the round.

Shower and Boyo are sent to a graveyard, where they must simply survive. Shower tells Boyo that at night everything takes on a more sinister shape. Shower thinks she is hearing banshee’s shrieking, but she is wrong. In truth, the sound comes from vampire bats. Boyo tells Shower to stay low as he unleashes a sonic blast that defeats the bats, as his sonic scream interfered with the bats’ sonar navigation. Suddenly, zombies begin to emerge from the earth.

Resurrected network producers stalk the two X-Babies and have them surrounded. Shower and Boyo take to the air and find a mausoleum nearby. As they descend, they find that the zombies have already caught up to them as they run fast. The two X-Babies seal themselves into the mausoleum. Inside, Shower looks upon a coffin and is scared, but she knows that, with Cyke gone, she is not the leader and she must act bravely. Shower reads the plaque on the coffin and realizes that it is their portal home, but first they must defeat the ghoul inside.

She then realizes the floor is sticky, but Boyo explains that she is stepping on bugs. The two push open the lid to the coffin. Shower screams as a mummy gets out of the coffin. However, it falls the floor… defeated?! From inside the coffin, Creepy Crawler, Wolvie, and Colossusus argue as they each fight for space. They emerge and Wolvie tells Boyo and Shower that it was time that they showed up. Arcade sent them as back up, but he thinks that the man was just tired of waiting to get rid of them all. Suddenly, a bogeyman emerges from the bandages of the fallen mummy, and the bogeyman deems the X-Babies a teeming bunch.

The bogeyman makes the X-Babies remember their worst nightmares. Wolvie loses his sanity, Shower is buried alive, Creepy Crawler freakishly mutates, Boyo goes mute and Colossusus rusts away. Suddenly, the Bogeyman is blasted in the back by a fireball. The X-Babies look up to see Cyke riding atop a giant fierce dragon he calls Locksteed, and informs them that he found the dragon and wants to keep him. As Locksteed takes down the Bogeyman, Boyo tells Cyke that they thought he was dead. Cyke explains that he landed on Locksteed and then set the dragon free. Wolvie is glad to see Cyke back and notices that his lisp is gone too. Cyke explains that the more Wolvie teased him the harder he worked to get rid of it. Wolvie then decides to call it even.

Shower asks Cyke how he found them, to which Cyke explains that Arcade tricked them into thinking that they were being teleported to different dimensions. In truth, they have been placed on just adjacent sound stages. The X-Babies gang up on the Bogeyman and give him payback, which causes the network to censor the violence.

The transmission is disrupted across the dimension, so Arcade explains that they are facing technical difficulty. Two viewers discuss how Arcade looks like the guy from the Mad TV.

The X-Babies return to the game show set and decide to take the fight to Arcade. Arcade, however, traps the Brotherhood in a bubble and threatens to reduce them to neoplasm unless the X-Babies return as reigning champions. The X-Babies have a quick group huddle and decide to agree, as they don’t want anyone else punished in their place. Arcade accepts this and is about to release B.O.M.B. and put the X-Babies in their place, when a telepathic voice orders him not to.

All turn to see Charlie X, now crippled and in a Shi’Ar modeled hover chair, with reinforcements. Charlie X announces that not a single mutant will be enslaved this day, as he sends X-Babies of Sunfire, Angel, Thunderbird, Iceman, Beast, Marvel Girl, Psylocke, Dazzler, Shadowcat, Rogue, Captain Britain, Karma, Moonstar, Magma, Havok, Meggan, Magik, Warlock, Wolfsbane, Sunspot, Cannonball and Phoenix to attack. The X-Babies who cannot fly board Locksteed’s back as the others take to the air. Cyke tells Charlie X that he didn’t doubt that he’d come for them. Charlie explains that he quickly gathered some allies and promised a party afterwards. Cyke agrees that they have space for a party in the clubhouse, but what will they do with all these X-Babies? Everyone laughs.


Mojo shrieks at Arcade and asks him if he knows how much his mess up has caused him. The Barbequing Union is demanding worker’s compensation and repairs. As Major Domo adds the bill, Arcade tells Mojo that he has other show ideas, such as a talk show with convicted felons. Mojo grabs Arcade by the head to attack him, but finds that the man’s face slides off. Mojo then reveals that the man he thought was Arcade was actually his baby version… Funhouse! Funhouse apologizes and explains that he wanted to show that he was an equal to his counterpart.

As Funhouse is taken away to have his spine removed by the Grip, Major Domo considers revealing to Mojo the amazingly high ratings the game show got, but decides against it.

Characters Involved: 

Boyo, Charlie X, Colossusus, Creepy Crawler, Cyke, Shower, Wolverine (X-Babies)


Major Domo

Funhouse disguised as Arcade

Juggernut, Magneato, Mysti Q, Phyro, Slob, Snaggletooth, Toadpole (Brotherhood of Mutant Bullies)

Bogeyman and other various Murderworld villains

X-Babies versions of Angel, Beast, Cannonball, Captain Britain, Dazzler, Havok, Iceman, Karma, Magik I, Magma, Marvel Girl, Meggan, Moonstar, Phoenix III, Psylocke, Rogue, Shadowcat, Sunfire, Sunspot, Thunderbird I, Warlock, Wolfsbane

Story Notes: 

Dazzler and Longshot helped dethrone Mojo in X-Men (2nd Series) #9-11.

Mojo and Arcade attacked Domino in X-Force (1st Series) #76.

The Bogeyman has an uncanny resemblance to Mr. Sinister.

Cyke’s comment about what to do with so many X-Babies is in homage to the last line of Giant-Sized X-Men #1, in which Angel asks what they will do with 13 X-Men.

Issue Information: