Ultimate X-Men #34

Issue Date: 
August 2003
Story Title: 
Blockbuster - part 1

Brian Michael Bendis (story), David Finch (pencils), Art Thibert (inks), Dave Stewart (colors), Chris Eliopoulos (letters), Nick Lowe (assistant editor), C.B. Cebulski (associate editor), Ralf Macchio (editor), Joe Quesada (editor in chief), Bill Jemas (president)

Brief Description: 

Sitting in a Brooklyn Diner, Wolverine is shot by an unknown party, who closes in on the building in three colorful vans. Badly injured, he makes his way to the only person he knows around, Peter Parker aka Spider-Man. Peter and his friend, MJ, manage to keep the injured man a secret from Peter’s aunt for the next two days, while he heals. Finally, as a barely recovered Wolverine is about to leave, he notices the three vans on the opposite side of the street across the Parker home.

Full Summary: 

A pretty, casually dressed blonde enters a shabby-looking diner. She checks out the only other guest sitting at one at the tables and then turns to the barkeeper, asking for a cup of coffee to go; decaf. She turns to the sole other guest, sipping his coffee. She knows him, doesn’t she, she asks. He’s famous. One of the X-Men, right? “Yup,” is Wolverine’s monosyllabic reply.

The girl, apparently not recognizing a brush-off, enthuses that this is pretty cool. No reply. She wishes she was famous, she insists and turns towards him, whispering: is he on a secret mission, or something? Is he… He’s eating lunch?, he cuts her off. Not offended, the girl laughs. And tells him a moment later that she is going to buy him that lunch. Why, he asks. The hell of it, she replies. She insists over his protests and gives the barkeeper an intent look as she passes the note to him. He reads something, stares and quietly leaves. The young woman tells Logan, it was cool to meet him and leaves as well. Outside, she speaks into a cell phone, stating that his I.D. is confirmed. It’s a go.

Logan turns towards the counter asking if he can have some… He realizes the man is gone; he is all alone. He moves the shades apart a bit, peeking through the window. Three identical white vans adorned with flowers and the colorful logo “De-Doo Diaper” are parked opposite the Diner. The van’s doors slide open and, suddenly, armed men fire at the diner. Wolverine is hit multiple times. Believing their goal accomplished, the unseen gunmen stop and the vans quickly drive off.

Curious onlookers close in on the diner, peeking through the destroyed windows. Among them is the blonde from before. “Visual I.D?” somebody asks her over the phone. That’s a big donut she tells them, a code apparently meaning that Wolverine is not to be found. The voice tells her to get out. Locals are en route.

Peter Parker aka Spider-Man is swinging home, wondering about he next level of absurdity in his life. He has to study for test PSAT’s now. A practice test to a test. Even though he’s been having straight A’s all his life. Shouldn’t all A’s be a free pass to college? He becomes calmer as he thinks about his girlfriend, Mary Jane, and the fact that they are back together again. He stealthily enters the abandoned building where he stashes his stuff and changes into civilian clothes, thinking to himself that either way he is too busy for this PSAT’s stuff. He has to put in more hours for his job at the Daily Bugle, as he’s broke due to always making web fluid, which he then has to waste on some losers trying to rob an armored car in broad daylight. What he’d really like to do is slap his webshooters down on the table and tell the PSAT people “Hey, I invented these. Now can I just go to any school I want?”

He goes home and enters the backroom where he stashes the computer and other of his stuff. Suddenly, he hears a noise from a corner. He looks and amid the junk suddenly sees a leg. A badly injured Wolverine sits in the shadow and says, “boo!”

Peter screams and automatically shoots his webs at Wolverine. The he grabs the next heavy objects at hand, first throwing his chair at him then whacking him with a broom. All the while he shouts, demanding to know who he is. Is he working for Norman Osborne? SHIELD? Does he think he can just come into his life? Wolverine slices through the web with his claws and says, “kid, calm down.” Peter stops, his arms in mid-air. He’s finally recognized the man. What happened to him, he asks horrified. And how does he know where Peter lives? Is he dying? Wolverine asks him again to calm down. Peter almost gets sick as he gets a good look at Wolverine.

Logan explains that he got tagged in Brooklyn and had nowhere else to go. Who did this, Peter wants to know. He doesn’t know yet, Wolverine admits. How did he know where he lives, Peter asks again. He followed him home the first time they met, Wolverine explains, the talking clearly being a strain on him. Peter doesn’t buy it at first and babbles on until Wolverine tells him he needs his help. Peter offers to swing to the hospital but Wolverine refuses. He can heal overnight. He just needs a blanket and a beer. Beer, Peter asks? You don’t have any Beer? Wolverine asks and passes out.

At that moment, Peter’s girlfriend Mary Jane Watson storms in, complaining that she caught her mother reading her e-mails. Suddenly, she takes in the sight before her, Peter crouching in front of the horribly injured man in the corner and faints. Peter catches her.

Wolverine finally comes to, with Peter and MJ waiting in front of him. Don’t they have school, he asks. It’s Saturday, Peter explains. Logan has been asleep two days. MJ offers him some Matzoh ball soup. Wolverine thanks her and Peter mentions that they had to do a “spasmo Three’s Company” number so they could keep Logan hidden from his aunt. So did they find that beer, Logan hopes. No luck, though MJ offers that her mom might have a wine cooler. Wine coolers and Matzoh Balls, Wolverine asks incredulously.

He catches MJ staring at him and tells her it’s impolite. Unfazed, MJ asks about his powers, being amazed and somewhat disgusted. Plus, she tells him, he smells like a wet dog. She asks Peter to call her when this is over and leaves. Peter nervously asks Logan if he could leave now. Wolverine admits it was crap of him to do that to Peter, he owes him... Good, Peter replies, so if he could leave now. Wolverine suddenly listens intently to something only he can hear and turns to the small window on the other side of the room. On the other side of the street he sees three white vans with the logo “Doo-Dee Diaper” “I might end up owing you more than one,” he tells Peter somberly.

Characters Involved: 



Mary Jane Watson
Blonde agent

Story Notes: 

Spider-Man and Wolverine met in Ultimate Marvel Team-Up # 1 & 15.

Peter’s description of having to do a “spasmo Threes’s Company” number refers to the sitcom which ran from 1977 to 1984 and starred, among others, John Ritter. The main theme running through the series were slapstick and zany situations where the three roommates would have to keep awkward situations from their landlords, the Ropers and, later, Mr. Furley.

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