Wolverine and the X-Men (1st series) #17

Issue Date: 
November 2012
Story Title: 
Wolverine’s Secret Weapon

Jason Aaron (writer), Michael Allred (artist), Laura Allred (colorist), VC’s Clayton Cowles (letterer), Michael & Laura Allred (cover), Jordan D. White (assistant editor), Daniel Ketchum (associate editor), Nick Lowe (editor), Axel Alonso (editor-in-chief), Joe Quesada (chief creative officer), Dan Buckley (publisher), Alan Fine (Exec. Publisher)

Brief Description: 

When he planned to start the Jean Grey School, Wolverine went to great lengths to get Doop aboard. While the rest of the staff and students consider Doop useless at best, annoying and perverted at worst, Doop is actually Wolverine’s secret agent, protecting the school from secret dangers they have no idea of. His spare time too is exhausting, as a celebrity like Doop is courted by heroes and villains alike for all kinds of strenuous activities.

Full Summary: 

The Jean Grey School:
Deathlok informs Wolverine he has prepared the evaluation of the school staff Wolverine requested: Kitty Pryde is overworked and at present unable to perform the full duties of headmistress. Henry McCoy is dangerously overworked and at serious risk of a mental breakdown. Robert Drake is far too lenient in his grading patterns. Rachel Grey is entirely too harsh. And the Shi’ar Warbird, despite her frequent threats of violence to the children, displays an uncanny knack for the teaching of art. And Wolverine has been absent with such a high frequency, it is impossible to consider him anything even remotely resembling an effective headmaster.

That it? Logan asks. That is just the opening summary, he is informed. There are eight hundred seventy more pages, but overall his staff is hardworking and committed to doing whatever it takes to make this school succeed. All but one at least. There is one staff member whose very presence confounds Deathlok. They have no job title, no official responsibilities, no true purpose at all that he could determine. Wolverine assures him he is wrong. This guy performs a vitally important function.

They have stopped at Doop’s desk where the mysterious creature has fallen asleep amidst food, skin mags and several mysterious objects. Then perhaps once he wakes, Doop can tell them what it is, Deathlok suggests.

He knows what this looks like, Logan begins. Deathlok agrees. Doop is enjoying his afternoon nap. Not to be confused with his late morning nap, or his pre-dinner siesta or the random times he will simply pass out in the hallway.

He will have to trust him on that, Logan replies. Doop is here for a reason. Wolverine asked him and he doesn’t care what it looks like. Doop is here because they need him.

Weeks ago:
A nightclub. “I need you,” Logan tells Doop who is surrounded by two scantily-clad ladies. He is opening a school and has a job that Doop would be perfect for. Is he ready to be an X-Man?

Not interested, Doop in his strange gibberish mocks. Too bad Logan didn’t ask him when being an X-Man still meant something. Logan refuses to leave until he says ‘yes.’ Doop tells him to suit himself.

What follows is a series of strange activities from ice-bathing to Mexican wrestling, none of which succeed in getting rid of Logan (although the seventeen hour Andy Warhol Marathon gets close). Finally, Doop agrees if Wolverine does one thing for him.

Dressed in Cyclops’ old costume, Wolverine goes on a stage showing people his impression of Cyclops with six claws stabbed in his face. One very painful and humiliating performance later, Doop is in.

Sometime later, during a staff meeting at the Jean Grey School, during which Doop is sleeping:
Iceman asks what exactly Doop is doing here other than sleeping. Beast tells him Doop steals his food out of the teachers’ lounge refrigerator. He even made the last few batches of salmon pâté a bit irradiated. But that doesn’t appear to have dissuaded him in the least. Kitty now understands why the toilet in the third floor restroom melted.

Henry further protests that Doop stole much of the equipment from his fourth period chemistry lab to use in the apparent distillation of high proof alcohol in the corner of the school library.

Someone else asks if he could wear pants. And another one wonders if Doop is male or female, since he always seems to be in the women’s team room.

That’s enough! Wolverine orders. Doop is here because he asked him. End of story. But here to do what exactly? Iceman asks skeptically. Trust him, Logan replies, they don’t wanna know.

During the construction of the school, Wolverine explains to Doop the school isn’t even finished yet and already it has made its share of enemies. Lots of folks are gonna be looking to shut it down the moment it opens. That’s where Doop comes in. Wolverine can’t run this school and still be out there protecting it the way it needs to be protected. He needs someone with connections in all the wrong places. Someone who can keep their ear to the ground and root out any threat before they get to their doorstep. And then be able to deal with them, quickly, quietly and effectively. This won’t be a public position, he warns. The things Doop does will have to be kept under the table. Even the rest of the staff won’t know what he is up to. Can he count on Doop?

After the staff meeting:
Doop wakes up when he hears an alert. The alert tells him global trouble searches have results for him to view…

At a bowling alley, a group of neonazis with the catchy name the “League of Nazi Bowlers” plans an attack on the Jean Grey School. As they bowl, Doop surprised them. One of them throws a bowling ball at Doop, which he swallows. The head Nazi order him to return the ball. If he insists, Doop smirks and fires a volley of balls, which he had eaten at them.

Another staff meeting, where the teachers complain about the Bamfs when suddenly a sleeping Doop burps up a bowling ball.

A meeting of the Westchester County school board (attended by Doop in disguise):
Two board members suggest that at their next meeting the board should condemn the Jean Grey School, which endangers them all.

Another day: the female member dressed only in a dressing gown admits she was wrong about the Jean Grey School. She had no idea they had someone like him there. Consider her vote on the matter officially reversed. Just promise her one thing: Promise they’ll do this again sometime. Dressed as a gardener, Doop leaves.

The same thing happens with the male member, only Doop is dressed as a maid.

The Jean Grey School:
Warbird passes Doop’s desk, telling him: his room, in five minutes. She’ll bring the wine. He’ll bring the broken glass and battery cables!

History class:
Kitty Pryde teaches a class about the Xavier family journals. They left off in 1652. Idie reads how Joshua Xavier built his cabin along Breakstone Lake and was looking to buy more lands after he came into some Wendigo-furs. But instead he almost lost all of it when men came out of nowhere to threaten him with strange lightning pistols, saying they were real estate investors from the future and that they wanted all his land.

Joshua was in a bad spot. The whole Xavier family might have ended right there if it wasn’t for the intervention of a mysterious stranger: a floating green half man who spoke the strangest language anyone had ever heard. He whupped the future men and saved the day for all the Xaviers.

But then the Wappinger Indians saw him and thought him some sort of devil and chased him off. And he was never seen again.

Doop floats past the window, exhausted and riddled with arrows.

Another day, a cavern on another world, surrounded by hostile robots. He hopes Doop is ready for this, Howard the Duck announces, ‘cause he sure isn’t. They are trapped in a cave in dimension ZZZ, surrounded by hordes of bloodthirsty robot barbarians, with nothing between them but a broken sword, a rubber chicken with nails in it and a gun that shoot s bees. And if they don’t stop those guys, they’re gonna use the school to power their invasion of Earth. They’ve been in some tough spots before but never anything like this. What does he think they oughta do? Kill them all or die trying! Doop announces and grabs the Bee gun. Howard agrees as he grabs sword and chicken. “Let’s show them why you don’t mess with Doop and the Duck!

Sometime later:
An injured Doop hides out in the icewing and Logan wonders why the wing smells like Howard the Duck. On second thought, he doesn’t want to know.

Another day:
Be gentle, Warbird warns roller-skating Tigra and She-Hulk off. Doop has had a rough day. The ladies don’t care and order him to get his skates on. The roller derby starts in ten minutes!

Another day:
Suddenly, he is not so hungry, Genesis mutters in the cafeteria when Doop falls both asleep and into the food he is supposed to pass out to the students.

A Japanese restaurant:
Doop is stuffing himself. It makes him sick what’s become of him, Sabretooth criticizes Doop. They don’t even feed him right at that school. A man of his talents reduced to this. It breaks his heart. Wolverine doesn’t appreciate him at all, does he? Not like his old pal Sabretooth would.

They’ve known each other a long time, seen the good old days when the Russian were still fun. He’d never let someone with Doop’s kinda skills go to waste. He’s got his own crew now. They run most of the eastern hemisphere, Take what they want. Kill whom they please. Like New York in the 70ies. So, he interested in getting the band back together?

When Doop keeps on eating silently, Sabes hits him, snarling if he is even listening to him. He is not, comes the angry reply. He swallows the burning candle on the table and, a little later, a burning Sabretooth chases after Doop, who is carrying away more of the food.

Another day:
Tigra and She-Hulk return Doop from skating with his right arm torn off. Next time try not to cry so much, She-Hulk chides unsympathetically. Beast has a helmet for him and asks him to tell him when his brain feels like it’s melting.

His arm bandaged, Doop tries to relax in a bathtub when the Danger Room starts up.

More situations of Doop holding back monsters.

The helmet experiment is a failure due to Doop’s second brain in his hindquarters,

Cannonball and Gambit ask Doop to come to Cajun cooking night.

Another day and Doop is injured by the lawn mower. Toad berates him for passing out in the grass.

Night: The devil plays a guitar solo for the kids’ souls, only to be beaten by Doop’s funky solo.

Cajun night not having gone so well either, an exhausted Doop is expected by Lockheed, Deadpool and Man-Thing all of whom have some great freetime activities planned as well.

Doop sits at his station and is surrounded by Bamfs, who draw on him.

Another night: A nun is playing internet troll complaining about the Jean Grey School online. Wolverine should stick to doing what he does best: stabbing things. And since when does walking through walls qualify you to teach calculus? And don’t get her started on Iceman-- Doop comes in and smashes the computer.

Another school day: An exhausted Doop is sleeping in the hallway, ignored by the students. Keep up the good work, Wolverine tells him and gently places a pillow under him.

Characters Involved: 

Beast, Cannonball, Gambit, Iceman, Kitty Pryde, Rachel Grey, Wolverine (all X-Men and staff at the Jean Grey school)
Warbird II

She-Hulk, Tigra (Avengers)
Howard the Duck

Schoolboard members
Nazi bowlers
Internet troll nun

Story Notes: 

Cover: If you think this is ridiculous, wait’ll you see what happens on the inside.
Page 3, panel 3: I think I’m good right where I’m at. Too bad you didn’t ask back when being an X-Man still meant something.
Panel 4: Suit yourself.
Page 5 panel 1: Hmm… thinking about it.
Panel 2: We’ll talk more after you’re done.
Panel 5: Okay. You win. I’m yours.
Page 7: panel 4: Wha ….
Page 8, panel 4: You can say that again!
Page 9, panel 3: If you insist…
Page 13, panel 3: Kill them all – or die trying!
Page 15, panel 5: I am not …

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