At the Jean Grey School in the teacher’s lounge, some of the present teachers sit. Beast informs the others he got an update from Rachel this morning following a lead on the Hellfire Club in Madripoor. Still no confirmed sightings yet. Also Angel is tracking a possible new mutant outside Belgrade. Beast’s in contact with the Russian Winter Guard about providing backup, if need be.
Storm announces that, as they have no other telepaths on staff, she has cancelled Rachel’s classes. This highlights their need to develop a sizable roster of qualified substitute teachers. Kitty and she will be working on that. No more interviews! Kitty groans. Can she go fight Sabretooth instead?
Iceman and Warbird agree the day was great. Iceman spells out they should have sent Quentin Quire to the Savage Land a long time ago.
Storm asks if there is any world from their headmaster. Beast replies Wolverine hasn’t checked in, but that isn’t unusual. He likes to pretend he doesn’t know how to operate the communicator. At what point do they become alarmed? Storm asks. Personally, he passed that point two hours ago. He votes they send in the marines, or at least Deathlok. Anyone seen Deathlok lately?
Kitty reminds them they are talking about Wolverine here. Do they really think he can’t handle one measly trip to the Savage Land?
In the Savage Land, Wolverine is trying to free himself from his half-brother Dog’s trap…
Hours earlier in the plane:
Everyone else always knew… Everyone except him? Genesis asks sullenly. Knew what? Wolverine asks. The truth, the boy continues, that he’s a clone of Apocalypse. That he was grown in a lab from the DNA of the world’s greatest villain. That his life was virtual lie. He’s never even been to Kansas.
Logan replies the other kids might have suspected something, but no one knew the truth but him. If he’s looking for someone to blame, look no further. It was his decision to keep Evan in the dark. He’s sorry he found out the way he did.
Evan doesn’t blame im. He wasn’t ready for the truth when he first came to the school. He wishes he were still being lied to. It was easier to see himself as a hero before he knew he was grown from the blood of a madman.
A man’s worth ain’t in his blood, Logan tells hm. But in how he chooses to walk this earth. And Evan’s been walking like a hero since they met. But a part of him will always be Apocalypse, the boy insists. Logan announces he will tell him about the blood in his own veins. He will tell him about his father…
Sprite and Genesis are fighting Cro-Magnons, although Genesis is trying to contain them rather. He swears, then apologizes… He’s been hanging out with Deadpool lately.
Sprite gets one off his back and tells him not to blame Neanderthals for acting like Neanderthals. They still have a lot of evolving to do. Sourly, he replies he doesn’t believe in evolution. And she doesn’t believe in being unnecessarily morose, Jia replies and pinches him in the butt.
On the plane, Logan tells Jia Jing to lighten up. If she doesn’t, she’s gonna give herself a coronary before she’s old enough to drive. Jia politely replies her family is counting on her; her entire country is watching. She cannot let them down. All she wishes is to become the greatest X-Man who ever lived. Anything less would be a humiliating failure.
That’s exactly what he’s talking about. She ain’t no X-Man, not yet. She’s a kid who can fly and hit really hard. But if she wants a legacy he’s about to give her one. He’s gonna give her a new name.
She feels honored at being given a mutant code name. He tells her that her job is to study the name and its history. It’s the name of a mutant who’s always known how to live life to the fullest. It’s the name of his favorite X-Man ever!
A more relaxed Jia, now codenamed Sprite, hits two Neanderthals. She still plans on being the best X-Man ever, but she supposes it’s okay to have some fun along the way.
Genesis asks a caveman to stop biting him. Jia cusses the cavemen out and figures this is quite liberating. Can Evan teach her more such words? Less cursing, more punching, he suggests. Spying from the shrubs, Dog Logan figures there will be time for both…
Not far away, three more kids are attacked by robots. Panicking, Trevor asks Quentin to do something with his mind powers. Quentin points out that he can’t use telepathy on robots.
The robots realize they have been shunted to the past, to an era before the extinction of both dinosaur and humanoids. Their leader gives the order to leave the dinosaurs be. Tag the mutants’ faces and measure their genitals! They announce that they are from the 53rd century and claim this unincorporated era in the name of Roxxon 5299.
Quentin suggests they start running. Is that what they teach them at Wolverine’s school? Dog Logan demands. Any man that runs from robots ain’t no man at all! He tells the rust buckets to come over. He’s got some genitals they can measure…
Elsewhere in the Savage Land, time-lost cowboys are killed by a strange man in a normal suit and an iron bucket on his head who refers to himself as the Iron Mask, steelheaded scourge of all law west of St. Louis.
A growling Shark-Girl watches the scene from the bushes.
A surly loner who struggles to control their feral side. Where has he seen that before? Logan mocks. Iara scoffs she only came to this ridiculous school to learn to keep her shark side in check. And that’s exactly what she’s been doing. Give her some credit. It’s been almost three days since she last tried to maul somebody. He tells her that they can teach her all the mind tricks and meditation in the world but that ain’t gonna solve her problem, if she is still too stubborn to put down roots. There’s no shame in having family, there’s strength in it. She insists on trying to make her way alone; she’s always gonna be vulnerable to losing control.
She ain’t interested in joining his Micky Mouse Club, Iara announces. She’s been doing fine all her life. Yeah, but then she didn’t have hundreds of teeth and a punch that could shatter cinder blocks. Logan hands her a file, telling her that this is what happens when people like them try to go it alone. The file bears the name Weapon X.
Shark-Girl threatens the Iron Mask and his sidekicks. He demands she tell him what brought them here. “Bite me!” Iara replies. He headbutts her and asks if she has any last words. Iara silently figures it’s better to die young and alone than live long enough to grow soft like Wolverine.
That moment, the cavalry comes in the form of Dog Logan and Genesis, Kid Omega, Sprite, Eye-Boy and Glob Herman, whom Dog has armed. He tells Iara this class here just started.
Wolverine, in the meantime, frees himself from the snares, only to have the tree fall upon him.
While the kids fight their foes, Quentin telepathically informs Iara that Dog says he is Wolverine’s kind-hearted time-travelling brother, who’s come here from old timey times to teach them the ways of “the redneck force.” Iara asks if he trusts Dog. Quentin informs her he cannot read Dog’s mind, so, of course, he doesn’t trust him. But he did give them all guns so he’s already got a leg up on his brother.
Evan chides them they shouldn’t be using those weapons. Quentin tells him he is shooting cowboys and robots with a laser shotgun. He’s never felt more American. Dog orders them to keep after their foes, then he orders the flying Genesis down. No damned fancy pants powers. Get down here and fight like a man!
Evan angrily announces that Wolverine would never let them use firearms like this. They are supposed to be heroes. They don’t even know why they are fighting.
Dog scoffs. He thinks Wolverine is gonna teach him how to be a hero? He might as well ask a moose to teach them to fly! Did Wolverine ever tell them about their pa and that he killed him? Dog promises to take them places old Wolvie never could.
Elsewhere, Wolverine manages to get free, only to have a dinosaur grab him by the vine around his throat. Wolverine swears he will kill his brother.
Meanwhile, Iron Mask, a robot and a Neanderthal have secretly teamed up. Iron Mask suggests they find out who bushwacked them. So far, he’s laying odds on “captain mustache” and his freakshow kids, he remarks, referring to Dog and the kids.
As they fight, Dog is pleased to see that he seems to be able to teach the kids to stand up and Eye-Boy is happy that he does something useful. Pleased, Dog thinks to himself this proves that he is better than his brother. He is the greatest Logan who--
Suddenly, he is kicked in the back by a Neanderthal. The groups have teamed up. They shake Dog awake to find out how they all got here, something the kids are interested in as well. Quentin demands answers and Dog orders him to shut up. Let him handle that! Because he’s so capable, Quentin mocks. He figures this is some kind of family squabble. Is he trying to show up his more famous sibling? Is he jealous of Wolverine? That is the saddest thing he's ever--
Dog hits him, recalling the beatings he took from his father, who called him a worthless dog. He’ll show them all who is a worthless Dog! he shouts. He’ll show every last damn one of them!