In the desert, Deadpool feels the sun burning his eyes. When he holds up his hand to block the sun, he is shocked to see that his hand is that of a turtle. Looking down, he wonders what happened to his…
Before he can finish the thought, he sees a rabbit rushing up to him. He calls out to it to “c’mere,” he needs help. The rabbit (Wolverine) tells him nope. Deadpool (the turtle) asks him why not. Wolverabbit tells him they are racin’. Deadturtle says they are, that’s not fair. Wolverabbit says he lost. Deadturtle says you lost, what do you mean, he won? Wolverabbit then asks if he knows where the end is. Deadturtle says he sees that he is lost. But why is he asking him where the finish line is? He don’t know where it is either. But even if he did, he wouldn’t tell him.
Seeing the rabbit look around quizzically, the turtle says to him that he’s not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, is he. The rabbit feels behind his head and says uh-oh. There’s a hole in the back of his head and it’s gooey. Just then, the turtle gets it – why the rabbit is lost and talking like a moron. He doesn’t have a brain. Confused, the rabbit is unable to make the connection. The turtle says that he shot him in the brain. He got knocked around and stabbed a few times but he took a hot one right in the ol’ brainpan. He put the muzzle right up under his jaw and blammo! He bets that slug made a real mess of things, bouncing around in that adamantium skull of his. He then says you do realize what this means. Now, Wolverine has become the turtle and asks Deadpool, now the rabbit, to give him a clue.
Back in reality, Deadpool is munching on a carrot while Logan is chained and suspended over a pool inside a warehouse. As he chomps away on his carrot, he says to Logan what’s up, @#$%, he means “doc.” Deadpool then says to Logan that he sees how this is gonna work, right. He flips the lever, he goes down and there’s nothing to breath but water. And is there anything that can save him? He then says let me see healing factor – bzzt. Fish-like gills – bzzt. Some other kinda… – bzzt.
Tossing the carrot over his shoulder he says that’s a heartbreaker. Also, since he owns this place, and since he’s locked it up tighter than a frog’s butt, and since the utilities are linked to an automated account and the taxes are paid well into the next decade nobody’s gonna be coming around to pull him up. And you may ask yourself, well how did I get here? Simple, he led him there, by the nose. Every single move, every single thing since the fortune cookie in Chinatown has been meticulously planned by him. He knew exactly what to do to get him to do what he does. Now, he knows that sounds confusing, so let him break it down for him: he (Logan) played himself. He then asks Logan how that makes him feel.
When Logan doesn’t answer him, Deadpool says to him that he guesses he knew that San Francisco was an expensive town to buy real estate in, but seriously, he would not believe how much this place costs. He’ll give him a hint, the advance that he got for accepting the job of taking him out – gone. Between this place and all the money he paid out for weapons, explosives, bribes, tech – he’s actually completely upside-down on the deal. But does he wanna know a secret? It was never about the money. To tell him the absolute truth, he would’ve taken the gig for a magazine subscription and a handful of Dairy Queen coupons. Nope, it wasn’t about the money at all. It was about…
Logan finally speaks up and tells Deadpool that he’s not crazy. Deadpool looks at him and says what did he… Logan tells him again that he’s not crazy. He’s seen crazy, he’s been crazy an’ he ain’t it. Enraged, Deadpool says that now, from somewhere hidden in his dark and secretive past it comes out that he attended college and received a psychology degree. What, like on some super-secret mission. And he was all like “I’m the best there is at what I do an’ what I do is psychoanalyze.” “Tell me about your mother.” Oh, and he bets Freud’s death wasn’t a suicide at all; it was him that pumped that morphine into his arm, right. It was Logan in London with a… Logan cuts him off and says to him that he really loves the sound o’ his own voice, doesn’t he – shut up. Pulling out his knife, Deadpool gets really serious and dares Logan to say that to him again.
Deadpool then remembers back when he was a teenager living with his alcoholic dad. He was playing his guitar when his dad tossed a beer at the back of his head, told him to shut up and went back to drinking his beer, lamenting the death of his wife. The young Wade Wilson, incensed, puts down his guitar, picks up the beer, takes a drink of it, picks up a pair of scissors and heads out the window to hang out with his buddies.
Logan then asks Deadpool what the hell his problem is; daddy not give him enough attention? Deadpool replies “what’s his problem, what’s his problem?” Logan says it’s kinda obvious, ain’t it. Deadpool says he’s not talking about now, he’s talking about him running around the globe, acting like an a-hole. D.C., Tokyo, Brussels, yeah, he knows about all of that. Don’t forget, he’s a world-class mercenary, he has an information network of his own. Logan replies wow – world-class eh. Deadpool yells at him that he sure as hell beat the #$%& outta him, didn’t he? Logan smiles and tells him to untie his arms an’ he’ll clap for him.
Fed up, Deadpool reaches for the lever and says &*%$ this, he doesn’t need the aggravation. Logan then utters the word revenge. Deadpool stops and says huh. Logan says that he asked what he was up to, that’s it. He’s out for revenge. Deadpool asks revenge and then breaks out into laughter. Pulling up his mask, he wipes a tear from his eye and asks Logan that he thinks that he deserves to get some revenge. How much revenge, all of the revenge? He then angrily tells him that he is such a $%@&ing baby.
Deadpool remembers again when he and his dad went to the cemetery where his mother was buried. As he was crying, his dad called him a baby. Something in Wade snapped and he said that he’s a baby? Saying it again, he pulls a bottle of alcohol out of the glove-box. His dad starts to tell him to put it back but Wade ignores him and smacks him in the face with it. As he does, he tells his dad that he’s a baby and asks if baby wants his bottle. Falling out of the car, bloody, Wade’s dad asks him to “ftop, pleave, he gibs up.” Initially shocked by what he just did, Wade begins to laugh. He tells his dad that he gibs up too and starts to laugh uncontrollably. Getting back into the car, his dad asks him why he’s lapping. Taking a swig from the bottle, Wade replies because it’s funny.
Deadpool then tells Logan that he’s not the one who has a problem with reality, he is. Life is stupid, laugh at it. Logan replies that he’s a moron. Deadpool replies maybe, but he outsmarted him so… Logan informs him that he didn’t outsmart him. Looking at the lever, Deadpool states okay, right, he didn’t outsmart him and that it doesn’t matter what he thinks. Logan replies that he thinks it does. Deadpool angrily says to him that he thinks he needs his approval. He thinks he’s looking for some, what’s it called, validation? Nooope, wrong answer &%@#head! He says that he knows some people think he’s just a failed attempt at re-creating him, but they’re the morons because they can’t understand that he’s something else. Something better, obviously! He means, there he is, hanging from the ceiling like a dummy and look at him. Looking into the water below, Deadpool sees his disfigured face, puts his mask back on and states that he’s the one who should be out for revenge.
Logan asks him what the hell is this; the tears of a clown? He is what he is an’ that’s it. Now since, he healin’ factor’s so damn impressive, how about he grow a pair an’ pull that lever. ‘Cause if he’s about to go on about how mean this world’s been to him, he think he’d rather $#%*in’ drown. Deadpool replies ohmygod he is a piece of $%#* and asks if anyone actually likes him. Logan replies not really but a lot o’ folks act like they do because they know it’s better to be his friend than his enemy. Deadpool exclaims exactly, because they know what he is and they’re dealing with it, unlike him. Logan asks what… Deadpool states that he said it himself, you are what you is. Wait – that was Zappa. What was it he said, never mind. He tells Logan that he’s a hypocrite.
Logan says how about pullin’ on that lever instead o’ his… Deadpool tells him that he cannot deal with what he is. He is Deadpool, “the merc with the mouth.” Good shots and bad jokes, that’s him. He’s Wolverine, the berserker Wildman of the woods. He’s the best at what he does and what he does isn’t pretty. Now, that means he kills people, right? Right?
Logan then thinks to himself all of the people he has killed in his past – Sabretooth, Hellfire guards, Taras Romanov, Betsy, Lady Deathstrike, Mariko Yashida, Xorn, amongst others. Logan then says to Wade yeah that’s him, a killer. But some o’ those he killed, maybe most of ‘em didn’t deserve… Deadpool cuts him off, and says oops, his bad. Didn’t stop him from being accepted into the X-Men, did it? Logan asks, “the X-Men?” Deadpool says talks about the hypocrisy. He means, if they let him in, you’d think they’d let anybody in but nooo. Logan says that he wants to… He’s not even a mutant. Deadpool says he’s not, but he’s not exactly human, is he. Y’know, maybe they did only want him because they were afraid of him of because they knew they could use him. But at least they wanted him.
At that moment, a voice comes from the other side of the room and says “abandonment issues, perhaps some unresolved conflict with your father.” Perhaps he should sympathize. Pointing his gun at Daken and his eyes drawn to his Mohawk, Deadpool wonders who he is and what’s up with the hair. Daken tells Deadpool that he’s really enjoyed watching him work but sadly, it’s curtains for his little comedy act. Don’t make him get the hook. Deadpool clicks his gun and tells him to hold on there “last of the Mohicans.” He’s the one who tells the jokes around there. Just then, he holds his hand up to his ear and pretends it’s a phone. He tells Daken that was 1985 and it wants its…
In a flash, Deadpool looks to his arm and discovers his left hand has been cut off. He says “wow.” He has to hand it to him. Standing before his father, Daken recommends to Deadpool that he should leave now; he’s in over his head. With that, he pulls the lever which causes Logan to fall into the pool below.