(now)
Deadpool is in an expansive trophy room, replete with pieces of armor and technology in display cases and a variety of guns on the wall. Arms crossed, he tells someone he wants to make sure he has this straight. His supermodel trophy wife has become a flesh-eating zombie and he wants Deadpool to kill her. With that, Deadpool extends a thumbs-up fist of acceptance and simply says “Deal.”
(yesterday)
Deadpool is concentrating on molding a brown substance into a shape. One of the voices in his head tells him he needs a job, to which Deadpool replies that he has a job, referring to the chair he has been making out of plastic explosives. To this, the other voice in his head tells him it doesn’t pay.
Deadpool flops down in the chair with a relaxed sigh. The voices in his head tell him he used all his money up on the Wolverine gig and all his munitions up on the recent Fury job. Deadpool delicately pats his chair and says that not all of his munitions are gone. The first voice sarcastically replies that he is completely broke, has no prospects for employment but he has an exploding chair, and then asks Deadpool if he is happy. Deadpool tells the voice that he is, to which the second voice agrees that the chair is pretty comfy.
Deadpool picks up a remote and turns on the TV. The first channel has an image of Tony Stark on, so Deadpool quickly changes the channel. The next channel shows Wiccan fighting a Skrull, so he flicks again onto another channel, which shows the Avengers and Skrulls fighting. Becoming increasingly annoyed with each channel change, he finally gives up. He starts to formulate a plan in which he kidnaps an important Skrull and holds them to ransom until they get off TV. He then changes his mind and makes it so that they have to put all his favorite TV shows on with no commercials. And also give him lots of money.
The first voice in his head tells him he should be ashamed of himself and mocks the fact Deadpool calls himself a mercenary. The second voice tells him he should call a real mercenary to get a job. Deadpool takes offence at the term “real mercenary” but the second voice just continues and tells him to call Zeke. Angered, Deadpool swears and say he’ll never work with Zeke and that he would rather suck the pus out of a homeless guys boils.
A little time later, Deadpool happily greets Zeke with open arms and tells him he is yhere for the job. He is standing in a large room with wood paneling on the walls and an ornate desk at one end. Standing by the desk is Zeke, a middle aged man with grey hair holding a glass of whisky. Taking in the opulence, Deadpool exclaims under his breath the fact that Zeke lives here.
Zeke walks towards Deadpool and tells him he is surprised to have heard from Deadpool, since leaving him behind and buried up to his neck in a termite mound. Zeke quickly changes the subject to talk about the future. He hands Deadpool a drink and tells him that the Skrull business has everyone distracted and now his business is booming. Still in awe of the room, Deadpool mutters that he is glad he is doing so well, whilst calling him names under his breath. Zeke goes on to explain that he is mainly concentrating on the Soviet areas and that he has over six hundred men in that area completely off the radar. Deadpool guess that the Zeke wants him to go to Russia but Zeke corrects him and says Eastern Europe. With Deadpool interested, Zeke tells him he will put a few calls in and that he should wait in one of the guest bedrooms upstairs.
Upstairs, Deadpool sits in a large, comfy-looking chair. The second voice in his head tells him that this chair really is comfortable but Deadpool quips back and asks if this chair can explode. After receiving a “no” reply from the voices, he smugly replies “didn’t think so.”
(now)
Zeke quickly corrects Deadpool and tells him he doesn’t want him to kill his wife. He wants him to kill the plastic surgeon who did this to her. Stumped for a second, a slightly confused Deadpool asks if he should leave Zeke wife alive. Clearly alarmed by the conversation, Zeke firmly replies “YES” and then wonders if asking Deadpool was such a good idea. Deadpool then grins and pats Zeke on the shoulder and tells him he was just messing with him. He tells him not to worry and that he will kill his wife but then quickly corrects himself to say kill the doctor.
When Deadpool then asks Zeke why he chose him, Zeke nervously replies that there is more to the situation. He tells Deadpool that he might have to go through lots of other zombies to get to the doctor… who in turn could also be a zombie. Deadpool nods his head and says it does sound like his kind of job, to which Zeke adds that Deadpool was the one who called looking for a job. He tells Zeke that he doesn’t usually do assassination jobs but he will since the target is already dead.
Deadpool then asks that the pay is. Slightly taken aback, Zeke asks if Deadpool is cool with the job and that he thought the zombie thing might have freaked him out. Deadpool puts his hand on Zeke’s shoulder and tells him he has seen some strange things in his life, things that he thought couldn’t be real. With that, Deadpool sees Zeke dressed in a baseball outfit with the word “grandpa” written on his shirt. He is surrounded by cheerleaders and a bear mascot and Zeke has a beaver sitting on his head. Deadpool continues and says that finding out zombies exist is a relief.
Deadpool again asks what the pay is, to which Zeke tells him it’s three hundred thousand. Still with his hand on Zeke shoulder Deadpool just stares silently at him. Then, just as Zeke breaks the silence and asks if anything is wrong, Deadpool presses his finger to Zeke’s lips and tells him to be quiet and that he is waiting for the laugh track. Zeke asks what he means, to which Deadpool tells him that three hundred thousand is a joke and for that he will kill his wife. He stands nose to nose with Zeke and goes on to say that for five hundred thousand he will kill his whole family.
Zeke, sweating by this point, quietly asks Deadpool what if he paid him a million. Deadpool tells him they have a deal and then adds that he is traveling a bit light and asks Zeke if he can hook him up with some weapons. Relieved, Zeke pours himself another whisky and swigs it down and tells Deadpool that won’t be a problem.
As Deadpool stands in a room full of weapons, the first voice in his head can only say “Mother…. of…. God.” Deadpool looks upon a wall covered in guns and large mechanical sentries, as well as rockets and remote controls vehicles. Holding one of the larger guns, Deadpool mutters that they aren’t so great and says the weight on them is off. The second voice in his head just tells him he is jealous. Zeke tells him that the handles are made from a new composite material and they are all state of the art. He then says that the transport is ready and tells Deadpool to gear up and meet him on the helipad in ten minutes. Clearly jealous and in awe by this point, the voices in his head tell him so and say that he should have asked for two million.
On the helicopter Deadpool has a very large duffle bag and is surrounded by guns. He stares out of the window to the ocean below and goes over the conversation about the mission he had with Zeke. Zeke informs him that there is a dossier on the mission but he is going to give him the highlights. The first instruction is not to kill his wife. In the dossier is a picture of Zeke’s wife, a young, beautiful blonde woman. Zeke goes on to explain that she was last seen in Grodke, a little town where the surgeon has his practice.
Just then, the pilot interrupts and tells Deadpool to hurry up and that he only has a thirty minute window to drop him off before he has to be over international waters again. Deadpool continues to recall the conversation. Zeke says that once the woman has been located that he should contact him with her exact coordinates and he will have some men scoop her up and hopefully they will be able to find a way to reverse the procedure. Deadpool then looks at another photo of a man with dark hair and a shaggy beard. Zeke says that it’s Dr. Druek Lovosno – the plastic surgeon. He tells him to kill the doctor in the most horrible way possible but to be careful as he is protected by his staff of zombies and that his surgery is like a castle.
Slightly apprehensive, Deadpool asks about the zombies and if they are regular slack jawed and shambling zombies. Zeke tells him they only look that way when they haven’t been fed and that’s because of how Dr. Lovosno’s procedure works. The patients are injected with something that allows them to feed off other people to stop or even reverse the aging process. Summarizing, Deadpool likens the zombies to vampires and then coins a new name for them…. zampires. The helicopter has now dropped Deadpool off onto a large boat and he is sailing to the destination.
Once he gets to Grodke, Deadpool removes his mask and dresses in a trench coat and wide-brimmed hat to try and hide his features. Still recalling the conversation, he walks through the town. Zeke tells him that the hungry ones are easy to spot and that it’s the ones that aren’t look like regular people. Deadpool firmly tells Zeke that he is not walking around town wasting everyone. Zeke tells him that he doesn’t have to and that he knows the staff at the surgery are zombies so he can kill them. He goes on to say that Lovosno is probably a zombie but he is responsible for doing this to everyone so he can be killed anyway.
Deadpool then asks about the local cops but Zeke tells him not to worry about them. All around town, Deadpool is drawing gazes from the locals and also the police. One man presses his finger to his ear and covertly whispers something. A moment later, Deadpool is surrounded by men with guns who shout “aim for the body.” With that, they open fire, sending Deadpool flying backwards, exposing his costume and face.
A confused Deadpool wakes up and sits bolt upright, immediately finding himself in a jail cell. Still without a mask and with bullet holes in the chest of his costume, he gets up and goes to the bars of his cell. Just beyond the bars are two policemen playing cards. Without looking up, one of them remarks to the other that Deadpool is alive and that he told him he was a zombie.
Deadpool objects and says that he isn’t a zombie but, before he can finish, he hears a groan coming from behind him and he turns around to see a bunch of decaying zombies advancing on him. Exclaiming in disgust, he turns away as female zombie walks right up to him and sniffs him whilst muttering about brains. Deadpool quickly slams her face into the bars of his cell, making a loud crunching sound and spraying blood across the room. One of the policemen suddenly stands up and yells for Deadpool to stop. When the other man, asks why he should, the first policeman says that these people are locals from the town and that they need to be kept safe until a cure is found. The other asks if they can at least waste the foreigner, to which the first man agrees. The first policeman tells him to aim for the head as both men raise and aim their guns at Deadpool.
Just then, the two men are killed by bullets to the head, shot from behind. A group of men enter and ask him if he’s Deadpool. Slightly stunned, Deadpool just stands gripping the female zombie’s jacket, who has now collapsed on the floor. The men say they were sent by Zeke and they figured he could use a little help. The men shoot the female zombie, which causes her head to explode. They then open the cell door and set Deadpool free. Deadpool, however, is a little taken aback that Zeke sent some mercenaries to help him out. He walks up to the leader and tells him that he would have been out the cell in less than an hour and he would have done it without killing anyone who wasn’t already dead. The man replies that it’s not as if they were civilians… they were cops. Deadpool walks away from the men saying that they were just trying to protect their town.
He suddenly stops as he is about to leave through the doors and asks how Zeke knew Deadpool was in trouble. The man taps the butt of Deadpool’s gun and tells him there is a tracking device in the handle. Deadpool remarks that he knew the weight was off and, with that, he opens fire on the mercenaries… killing them all.
A while later, Deadpool is walking through a small village in the mountains with his duffle bag and some guns. It’s nighttime and it’s snowing. One of the voices in his head asks if they are still doing the job, to which the other voice replies of course they are. The first voice asks if they think Zeke will mind the fact Deadpool killed some of his men, to which the second voice simply replies that nobody cares about mercenaries.
Finally, Deadpool sees what he is looking for and wonders to himself if Zeke said the doctor’s place was “like” a castle or was it “a” castle? Deadpool looks up high into the mountain to see a large castle draped in shadows.
Just as Deadpool starts up some stone steps to the castle, a woman with an eastern European accent gets his attention. She asks him if he wants to see the doctor. As he turns around he sees she is a haggard old woman partly concealed by a dark cloak. As Deadpool exclaims “No $%$*% way,” one of the voices in his head ponders if she has a real hunchback. Confused, the woman asks if Deadpool is not wanting to see the doctor. Imitating her accent, Deadpool corrects her and says he does want to see the doctor.
The woman moves up close to him and tells him that his face is truly disgusting and that the doctor has his work cut out for him. The woman warns him that they don’t accept insurance… cash only. Deadpool says he has cash and then asks the woman to do something for him. When she asks “vat?” Deadpool contorts his body and hunches himself over and asks her to say “it’s pronounced eye-gaw.” Annoyed, the woman tells him that plastic surgery will only change his outer self but inside he will still be a horrible person. They go inside one of the small wooden houses and she tells him there are some forms he needs to fill out. She then offers him some bottled water to quench his thirst, which Deadpool accepts.
(two hours later)
Deadpool finally hands the woman back the forms. She checks that he filled in the previous medical history part of the forms and then phones for a car to be sent down to collect him. As he takes a swig from the bottled water, one of his voices exclaims how it was the easiest infiltration ever. However, just as he puts his mask back on, he starts to feel funny. With that he looks, at the bottle and sees a skull and crossbones on it with the word “poison” written on the label. With that, he collapses as the old woman looks on smiling.
The woman asks her master if she has done well, to which a voice says she has and her faithful service will be rewarded with the removal of the hump… once his schedule allows. He is interrupted by a phone call, which is from Zeke. The man, a clean shaven Dr. Lovosno, stands next to a white limousine and is surrounded by beautiful nurses in tight, revealing uniforms. Another woman wearing a red dress is embracing him from behind and licking his ear. Dr. Lovosno tells Zeke that he has Deadpool but his wife is busy at the moment.
