(comedic exposition)
Deadpool explains that, once, there was a terrible war called the War Between the States, which is now called the Civil War. It pitched brother against brother, blue against grey. It was a terrible time, blood and guts and everything in very depressing sepia. Now, he continues, Marvel has their very own Civil War™. It started when the superheroes known as the New Warriors fought a criminal named Nitro, resulting in the destruction of a school in Stamford. This lead to the national Superhuman Registration Act, which divided the superhero community between supporters and protesters. Deadpool jokes that Spider-Man as one of the supporters revealed his identity on television that could screw up his continuity for years to come. Deadpool also notes that this gets him off the hook for throwing Peter Parker of the Queensborough Bridge. The superheroes supporting the act don’t have the time to track down those who oppose the act, because supervillains are taking advantage of the big cluster&^%$. And that’s where he comes in…
(reality)
Deadpool attacks the Great Lakes Avengers, hoping that his actions will impress the government enough to hire him as official bounty hunter for renegade superheroes. However, much to Deadpool’s surprise, Mr. Immortal tells him that they are the Great Lakes Champions now. Deadpool wonders how Mr. Immortal could “read his captions” like that, but shrugs it off and continues fighting. He notes to himself that the Great Lakes Champions are bigger “feebs” than the New Warriors, but he needed a success. Mr. Immortal tells him that they are not feebs and Deadpool wonders how he could “read the captions” twice. Bertha yells at Deadpool that he’s saying everything out loud.
Deadpool doubts that, but then wonders if the new name with Champions is the result of a lost poker game. Flatman points out that they actually won. Deadpool asks why they picked that name then instead of the Great Lakes Battlestar Galacticas or something like that. Flatman tells him that they are quite pleased with their new name and wants to know why Deadpool is attacking them. Deadpool tells them that somebody needs to force them to register. Mr. Immortal replies that they already did, but is beheaded by Deadpool before he can finish. Deadpool wonders if he should hide the head as a gag.
Suddenly, Bertha grabs him and tries to smother him. Deadpool asks her if she has put on weight and compliments her, telling her that he likes a sturdy woman like his beloved Bea Arthur. Still struggling, Deadpool is sucked into Bertha bulk, rendering Flatman and Doorman speechless. Doorman thinks it’s disgusting, but tells Bertha that she did a good job. Bertha wonders how long she can hold him, then feels his hands moving and uses her muscles to shoot Deadpool out of her stomach. She is furious and asks Wade how he dares doing that. Deadpool replies that he felt encased and loved by “Lady Volstagg” as if he were in a fleshy womb, but then tells them he actually just wanted to distance himself from her for this: showing her the pin of a grenade.
The grenade he left inside Bertha’s flabs explodes, taking out most of the base and knocking out the Champions. Deadpool’s badly hurt though and his healing factor is quickly repairing the damage, though he finds himself… talking… like… Shatner….
A moment later, the final member of the Champions shows up and Deadpool tries to remember who she is. Nutcase Girl? Tail Girl? When she yells that she is Squirrel Girl, adding that he is an evil, evil man, Deadpool notes that he apparently is still talking out loud. Deadpool tries to make a condescending remark towards Squirrel Girl, but her claws hurt him. He tries to fight back, but Squirrel Girl beats him with ease.
When the police arrive the Great Lakes Champions have recovered and Squirrel Girl has tied up Deadpool, who hangs upside down and naked except for his mask and underwear. Deadpool tells the police that he is a mutant member of the X-Men and is there to officially force the Champions to register. When the police officer inform him that they already registered, Mr. Immortal tells Deadpool that they tried to tell him, though Deadpool replies that he didn’t. Mr. Immortal points out that Deadpool cut off his head and then also points out that Deadpool is neither an X-Man nor a mutant. Deadpool wonders how he knows; does he have the card-set? When Mr. Immortal remains quiet, Deadpool concludes that Mr. Immortal *does* have the card-set. Mr. Immortals mumbles that he only has it for flipping. Deadpool replies that he would like to flip Shadowcat, but is silenced by Squirrel Girl.
A man shows up and tells the police and the Champions that he wants Deadpool released into his care. He introduces himself as Agent Hafner of the Commission on Superhuman Activities with the jurisdiction over superhuman activity in Wisconsin, Minnesota and the Dakotas. Somebody sarcastically notes that that should keep him quite busy. Hafner tells them that he wants to enlist Deadpool as a licensed operative for the U.S. government. When Deadpool wonders as what, the agents tells him that he’ll be a bounty hunter. Deadpool then asks if he can hurt the heroes, to which Hafner informs him that he can, “as circumstances warrant.” Apparently not understanding the response, Deadpool repeats the question.
Eleven hours later, Deadpool has returned to his apartment in Manhattan, singing a version of “New York, New York,” based on his new job as bounty hunter. Listening in, Cable tells him that America will vote him off for tonight’s performance. Deadpool is surprised and points his guns at Cable in a reflex, until sees who it is. Rhetorically, Cable asks if he decided to work for “them,” which Deadpool confirms. He adds that t’s a good gig and asks if Cable wants to join him; they could go after Mr. Fantastic first. Cable tells him that Mr. Fantastic already registered. Deadpool is surprised and notes that he better finds out who is on whose side. Cable admits that that would be a good idea. Deadpool tells him that he has a list and searches for it.
While searching he asks Cable what he’s doing in New York. Cable avoids the question, simply telling him that he’s meeting a guy for a thing. As Deadpool finds the list, Cable asks who recruited him. Deadpool tells him about the C.S.A. agent and that they gave him a badge. Cable says that it always starts with a badge, but Deadpool is too busy finding somebody on the list he can beat. He thinks that Captain America will beat him and will only fight Luke Cage if he starts wearing yellow silk shirts again. He then starts looking for women on the list and decides to go after the “nubile Young Avengers.”
Still in disbelief, Cable asks if the government really went through with the idea of using superhumans to catch superhumans, to which. Deadpool responds that it takes a thief to catches a thief. Cable replies that it takes a politician to create a law that doesn’t work. Deadpool doesn’t care. This is the law and he is just the kinda guy to benefit from it. Cable wishes him luck and proceeds to leave for his meeting, but suddenly pauses. He asks Deadpool why he didn’t ask which side Cable was on. Deadpool tells him that he figured Cable was above all this B.S. Right… Cable says, considering.
Cable meets up with Captain America and tells him about Deadpool and repeats his offer of sanctuary in Providence. Captain America thanks Cable, but tells him that they are not leaving the U.S. It would send the wrong message. Cable tells Captain America that he needs to think bigger and then reveals to Captain America that he found out about the secret identities Captain America and his allies use seconds after they created them. He projects holographic images of their new secret identities and asks how long it would take the government to find them out. Captain America is not concerned. The government doesn’t have the same level of “electronic telepathy” that Cable has. Cable tells Captain America not to be too confident; the government already knew most of their secret identities before and now they have two new reasons to pry: fear and self-aggrandizement.
When Captain America asks if Cable thinks that they are going to lose, Cable replies that they already lost. Captain America wonders if he knows because he’s from the future, but Cable claims that he knows because he has seen their plans: superhumans will be turned into a controlled military unit. Captain America tells him that Tony Stark would never support such an action, but Cable tells him that, in the future, when Stark is gone, somebody else will. Captain America believes that you can’t fight time and change the big picture in a daily struggle.
Cable disagrees. His offer of asylum is in consideration of the big picture – the world picture. He is president pro tem of Rumekistan now. European and former Soviet Bloc countries have always considered super-humans a dangerously “American thing.” Getting the drift, Captain America notes that Cable is trying to make it a dangerously global thing. Cable asks him once again to join the fight for the future and tells him that his offer will stand even should Captain America lose the battle, though he might want to change his name. “Captain World?” Captain America asks, but Cable thinks he has earned a promotion to General Overview. Captain America asks Cable for his support, but Cable wants to keep his involvement low-profile. He leaves, but from a nearby roof, Deadpool has observed the meeting.
Deadpool uses the information he just saw Cable project to track down Daredevil, who is now using the identity of Cooper Peyton, an engineer on Long Island. Deadpool mocks Cable for not realising that Deadpool already figured out whose side Cable would be on, then wonders how he’ll get to Long Island. From a stolen cab, Deadpool follows “Cooper Peyton” around and notes to himself the engineering job is a front. He hopes that Daredevil will meet up with the other renegade superheroes so he can take them out all at once, which would net him his own solo-book or even a movie. He also notes that his captions are working again, until a woman walking by tells him that he’s talking to himself.
Deadpool sneaks into the place Daredevil entered and is disappointed: there are no high-tech gadgets, no Quinjets and no extradimensional portals to the Negative Zone. Deadpool wants his superhero headquarters to have cool, wholesome, ridiculous contraptions. He receives a thrown Billy club to the head and Daredevil asks him if a Billy club will do. Deadpool tells him that it is a start. As Deadpool dodges Daredevil’s next attack, he attaches “an interspatial distorter that will phase Daredevil’s brain into Dimension X” to his back. Daredevil stops long enough to note that the distorter is actually just an iPod with a bit of tape attached to it. Deadpool tells him it is, but that for a minute there Daredevil was worried.
Pressing the attack, Deadpool unsheathes his swords, but Daredevil blocks the attack with his clubs and asks Deadpool why he’s fighting them; Cable is on their side. Deadpool tells him that while he and Cable are friends, they don’t always agree. Daredevil asks if Deadpool thinks the Registration Act is acceptable. Deadpool closes in and tells Daredevil that he has no secret I.D. He was in the military and in covert ops and asks why Daredevil needs his identity to be secret. Daredevil responds with a question back. Why should his identity be public knowledge?
Daredevil gets some kicks and punches in on Deadpool, but has to avoid his swords again while Deadpool explains that superheroes are walking atom bombs; maybe not Daredevil, who is “Hong Kong flick fancy pajama-boy,” but the Thors, Iron Mans and Squirrel Girls. Why should Joe and Josephine Public not feel safe, knowing who they are? Daredevil doesn’t agree, knowing this would not improve their safety at all. Galactus can still step on their house. Deadpool agrees that he has a point, but even though he’s a known villain with a criminal record longer than Stacy Keibler’s legs and when Uncle Sam’s says “sign here,” then Deadpool signs…
Suddenly, Deadpool is hit in the face by Daredevil’s knee. Deadpool is annoyed for being hit while talking and grabs Daredevil’s ankle, but then has a “vuja de.” Daredevil recognises it as a George Carlin joke: “the feeling none of this has ever happened before.” Deadpool corrects himself; it is déjà vu and he also notes that Daredevil is not really Daredevil, but…
Before he state Daredevil’s identity, Deadpool is hit in the face by Captain America’s shield. He turns around to see Captain America, Hercules, Goliath and the Young Avengers standing behind him. Deadpool identifies them by their new names: Brett Hendrick, Victor Tegler and Rockwell Dodsworth and then asks what kind of name “Rockwell” is. Hearing this, Goliath tells Captain America that he told him so. Deadpool then notices the “nubile Young Avengers” and is discomfited to note that Hulkling and Wiccan look especially nubile to him.
Watching has the angry and menacing form of the rogue heroes tower over him, Deadpool asks if they know what this all means. Sweet Christmas, I’m gonna get a whupin’!
