Standing on a street corner, Deadpool asks Spider-Man if he can crash at his crib tonight. Spider-Man immediately tells him no, much to Deadpool’s surprise. He thought they were partners and partners let partners crash at each others spider-cave. Spider-Man tells him he lives in an apartment, so Deadpool asks if he should hail a cab. Spider-Man reiterates that he is not staying with him so Deadpool offers to buy him a spider-cave in return.
Spider-Man thinks for a second and guesses that Deadpool is scared. Deadpool turns away and denies it but his inner voices admit they are terrified. Using air quotations, Spider-Man asks if he thinks Hit-Monkey is really out to get him. Deadpool, also using air quotations, replies and says he is convinced that Hit-Monkey is gonna blow his freakin’ brains out. Deadpool says he is here and he knows what he does… he kills guys like him. Spider-Man adds the word assassins but Deadpool denies he is one. Spider-Man points out that people pay him to shoot other people. That makes him an assassin. Deadpool claims he is a former assassin, as he hasn’t pulled the trigger for money since he killed the pizza delivery boy. As he tried to figure out how long ago that was, Spider-Man disappears, leaving him standing on his own.
Meanwhile, across town, an overweight detective walks into an apartment and marvels at a dead man slumped on the couch. The detective asks another office what the story is. The officer flicks through the pages on his clipboard and says the man was Phillip “Pancho” Martinez, age 36. Stroking his beard, the detective says he knows the guy. The office tells him he popped him in August and he was currently out on bail. The officer says they got a call from I.A. and they are going to want to talk about this. The detective swears, calls them paranoid and then asks who called it in. The office points to a man, standing out in the hallway, talking to another officer and says that it’s one of theirs who was off-duty. The off-duty officer was seeing some buddies nearby when he heard the shots and called it in.
The detective goes to the man and tells the officer interviewing him he has a few questions to ask. The officer says he is going to get some coffee and asks if the detective wants any. The detective tells him yes and watches as the officers leave the apartment. He asks the off-duty officer where the gun is and the man lifts his shirt up to reveal the gun is tucked away under his belt. The two men watch their surroundings and the off-duty officer asks if they are even. The detective says yes and tells him to make the statement like they talked about. The officer asks if he took care of the girl with the complaint against him. The detective tells him that she won’t be making any statements ever.
The relieved officer says he would have been ruined and kicked off the force. The detective says he that neither of them have anything to worry about and he did real good work here. The officer says he says it like he has seen it before. The detective says he has seen it lots of times and he has done it lots of times. He stares at the officer and says he is telling him because he wants him to know. The detective says Pancho thought he could tell a little story about him to get his sentence reduced but look how that worked out for him. The officer stutters and says he won’t say anything. The detective says he will say what he tells him to say. He becomes distracted by someone entering the apartment and assumes it’s the other officers back with his coffee.
A muffled gunshot sounds and blood spatters over the officer’s face. The shocked officer looks at the person who entered and mutters “b-but you’re a…” He then asks why he is so sad. But no-one answers. Instead, two more shots are fired from a gun with a silencer on. The detective and the off-duty officer lie slumped on the floor with gunshot wounds to their heads. Hit-Monkey stands over them, holding a smoking gun and observes the carnage.
(Next Morning )
Spider-Man swings into a warehouse through an open window and lands on the floor. His spider-sense starts tingling and he asks if Deadpool is pointing a gun at him. Deadpool’s voice shouts out and says there are two guns pointed at him and then he demands to prove Spider-Man is not a monkey. Spider-Man asks if talking isn’t enough and Deadpool tells him no. Spider-Man then raises his hands and says “what about these?” Deadpool asks what he is doing and Spider-Man tells him he is showing him his thumbs because monkeys don’t have them.
Deadpool walks out of the shadows holding two guns and wearing a traditional German dress worn by maid outfit over his costume. He asks what’s up and Spider-Man tells him a couple of crooked cops were shot last night. Deadpool immediately denies doing it but Spider-Man tells him he knows because he was following him. Deadpool leans in close and grabs Spider-Man by the arms and thanks him for watching his back and making sure Hit-Monkey doesn’t put a hot one on his buddy. Spider-Man calmly tells him that, up until this morning, he was still convinced Deadpool killed Mr. Cheng.
Deadpool tells him that stings but Spider-Man begrudgingly says Deadpool was right. Deadpool says of course he was right but then asks what he was right about. Spider-Man tells him that they found a bloody paw print at the scene and the print belonged to a monkey. An elated Deadpool asks what they are going to do now but Spider-Man says that he came there to ask the same thing. Pointing at Spider-Man, Deadpool tells him that’s not how it’s supposed to work because he came to New York to learn his thing. Spider-Man points back and says that he is after him. Deadpool tells him it’s perfect because Spider-Man saves people so he has the best seat in the house. Deadpool then puts his hands together and lovingly chimes “Save me Spider-Man.”
Spider-Man turns away, shoots a web-line and tells Deadpool it’s unbelievable. Deadpool says he warned him but Spider-Man says that it’s not the Hit-Monkey… it’s him. Deadpool holds the rim of his skirt and asks if it’s the dress. As Spider-Man starts to crawl out of the window, Deadpool says that if he wants to know what he would do then, he would find out who the Hit-Monkey is after and set a trap. Then he asks Spider-Man who Hit-Monkey is after. Turning around, Spider-Man tells Deadpool he is after him. Deadpool asks how he would find him. Just then Spider-Man’s spider-sense goes off and he realizes that Hit-Monkey would follow him.
Hit-Monkey screeches and leaps from the rafters shooting two guns and spraying the warehouse with bullets. Spider-Man swings down to Deadpool and they take cover behind some boxes. As Deadpool bleeds from a gunshot wound to his side, he tells Spider-Man he’s good but Hit-Monkey is better. Spider-Man asks if the wound is bad and Deadpool tells him it will heal in twenty minutes. Spider-Man grabs him and they swing up to the rafters. He tells Deadpool that Hit-Monkey can’t really kill him and asks why he is so freaked out. He replies that getting shot hurts. Spider-Man tells him that if Hit-Monkey did shoot him, he wouldn’t necessarily know he would heal. Holding his side, Deadpool says that his healing factor isn’t exactly common knowledge. Spider-Man asks if Hit-Monkey shoots him and assumes he is dead will he leave. Deadpool tells him yes, assuming that he is last on the list. Spider-Man gets an idea and starts to explain it to Deadpool.
Spider-Man points to Deadpool and tells Hit-Monkey that he’s all his. Hit-Monkey stares for a few seconds and then opens fire, peppering Deadpool with bullets. The two then stare at Deadpool as he “dies” and Spider-Man escorts Hit-Monkey out of the warehouse. On the way out, he gives the monkey a subway map marked with his route out of the city. Before he leaves, Hit-Monkey gets out a camera and the two go sightseeing around New York and take a series of pictures. Later on, Spider-Man waves Hit-Monkey goodbye at the train station and then accepts the key to the city from the mayor. A news reporter asks him about Deadpool but he just raises his hands in the air and asks them all “who cares?”
(Deadpool’s fantasy ends)
Back in the real world, Deadpool is outraged at Spider-Man’s plan. As Spider-Man protests, Deadpool pulls a gun on him and the two start fighting. But they are interrupted by Hit-Monkey, who leaps at them firing his guns. The two men dodge out the way but Spider-Man gets hit in the shoulder. Hit-Monkey fires again and Deadpool falls off the rafters but is caught by Spider-Man. The two crash into some boxes and, as Spider-Man lies there bleeding, Deadpool runs for the exit. Hit-Monkey comes up behind Spider-Man and the two stare at each other for a few seconds, but eventually Hit-Monkey lowers the guns. Hit-Monkey moves forward to see if Spider-Man is alright but Deadpool suddenly appears and points a gun at Hit-Monkey’s head, yelling for him to take his stinking paws off him, “you damn diry…
As Spider-Man shouts “nooooo,” Deadpool imagines the whole scene in slow-motion. Hit-Monkey cartwheels across a box towards Deadpool and leaps towards him. One of Deadpool’s inner voices asks, if this is bullet time, then where are the bullets? As Hit-Monkey spins around, Deadpool sees that, instead of holding the guns in his front paws, he now holds them using his feet. Hit-Monkey opens fire again and sprays Deadpool with bullets. Deadpool falls back as blood explodes from numerous wounds.
