On a barren alien landscape, Commander Kak of the Ongulians speaks to the few surviving members of his species. For six long years, they have waited, biding their time, tracking their most hated enemy and learning his aberrant ways. But today their time for vengeance has finally come. They will avenge the deaths of the loved ones, the destruction of their cities and the murder of their beloved planet of Ongulia. Today, Id the Selfish Moon dies.
Kak explains that as their commander he will lead the charge. As good and true Ongulian citizens and soldiers, they will follow him. But there will be another who will join them in battle. A fierce warrior from a galaxy far away. Spurned by the justness of their cause, he has agreed to pick up arms and lay down his life if necessary. All in a bid to preserve the memory of Ongulia and bring its destructor to a swift and terrible justice. His name is Deadpool and he has asked to say a few motivational words on this momentous day. Commander Kak turns but he can’t see Deadpool anywhere around. One of his soldiers whispers something in his ear and Kak swears in disbelief.
Funtzel stands in the doorway to Orksa’s bedroom, trying not to stare at the sight before him. Deadpool is currently trapped underneath the inebriated Orksa as she lays unconscious on her bed. Deadpool tells Funtzel he knows it looks weird but it’s no big deal. Since it was the last night before he went off to war and certain death he thought a celebration would be in order. Obviously a little bit too much space wine was consumed. Deadpool says to call Obb and have him bring the tow-truck over. He would have done it himself but he can’t reach the phone.
A little while later, Obb has brought a tow truck to the room via a hatch in the roof. Commander Kak watches the events and tells Funtzel that he said Deadpool was the best. Funtzel says that he is and that inside Deadpool’s head is an incredible intricate and brilliant mind. As the tow truck lifts the enormous Orksa off Deadpool, one of his inner voices muses that she looks like a parade balloon. His other inner voice says that she looks like a piñata full of fried chicken and gravy instead. The first voice yells that it’s no way to talk about his wife.
As they start arguing between themselves, Deadpool sits up off the bed and tells everyone he knows how to kill Id. Kak asks how and Deadpool replies with his brain. He walks out of the room and tells the others to put some pep in their step.
(On board Ongulian command vessel)
Deadpool tells Kak that he didn’t expect their vessel to be so crappy. Kak tells him that they have had to sell off components of the vessel to fund their quest over the years. And to pay for Deadpool’s services. Deadpool looks around and says that perfection comes at a price. When they get to room with a holographic display of the galaxy within, Deadpool asks where Id is. Pointing to a place in the holographic display, Kak says that he doesn’t know exactly but he was seen in the D’krian Quadrant so probably targeted a planet called Urrulu. Deadpool asks why that one and Kak informs him that it’s because it is populated. It only has a thousand or so farmers on it but it is still populated and that’s what Id likes. Deadpool says that it is a cannibal as he eats planets but what would really help him visualize it would be an origin story.
(The Black Galaxy, a very long time ago)
At first there was nothing. And then, coalescing from the dust and gases of deep space, there was Ego the Living Planet and, in his shadow, Id. For millennia, Ego fended off discovery by Rigellian explorers, preferring to remain unknown. But Id wanted to party. And so he struck out on his own in search of good times. He traversed galaxy after galaxy but never did he find others like him to hook up with. Aside from Ego, there were no others like him and even then Ego was nothing like him. Id was alone.
Dementia finally overcame Id and his quest became a misshapen, deformed construct within his mind. Compulsively, he searched for happiness and revelry but now, instead of participating in them, he destroyed them. The planet known as Kegger 24/7 never knew what hit it. Utilizing his seismic waves of catastrophic proportions, he reduced the planet and its inhabitants to dust. Id breathed in the destruction like a drug. The motes of senseless death and sudden terror igniting in his mind a sensation of deranged euphoria. With that euphoria came a sudden, vivid and implacable urge for more.
Deadpool tells Kak that’s the most %*&#$£ up thing he ever heard. Kak replies that, be as it may, it’s all true. Id is going to keep on destroying planets until someone stops him. And by someone, he means them. Deadpool points to himself and says Kak means them. Kak replies that’s what he said and Deadpool’s inner voices support Kak. Deadpool corrects himself and says he means himself. His inner voices ask what about them and a very confused Kak stares at Deadpool. Kak asks if Deadpool has a plan and he says he does. When Kak tells him he doesn’t, Deadpool asks if he is a telepath. Kak replies that he isn’t but he does have a plan.
Kak tells Deadpool that, when Id uses his seismic shockwaves to decimate a planet, it takes every bit of concentration. This will give them an opportunity to strike. Whilst he is focused on Urrulu, it will give them the opportunity to stealthily approach from the rear and launch their tube rocket.
Deadpool starts to laugh at the end and Kak asks what it so funny. Wiping a tear from his eye he asks if Kak is serious, to which he replies he is. Deadpool tells Kak to continue and so Kak tells him he will be in the tube rocket. Deadpool adds that he isn’t comfortable with the plan but an exasperated Kak tells him he hasn’t heard it yet. Deadpool says he isn’t comfortable inside tube rockets and Kak assures him it’s very comfortable, if a bit crowded. Inside the rocket there will also be an explosive device they have engineered to kill Id. Deadpool asks what it does other than “destroys Id.” Kak tells him that, as well as being a high-powered nuclear bomb, it is also a robotic drilling machine. Once activated, it will drill into Id’s core and once it does it can be detonated remotely.
Unfortunately, it has to be placed precisely on one of the fault lines on Id’s surface. This is where Deadpool comes in. Deadpool asks if they only have one of the drill bombs. Kak says they do and Deadpool then says they can’t risk simply firing it at the surface. Kak says they would miss and the explosive would detonate harmlessly at the surface. Deadpool says the plan is completely original and he’s in. Kak says the sensor will tell him when he is standing on a fault line. At that point, he should activate the robot and then get back on his rocket and return to their ship. Once he is on board, they will retreat to a safe location and detonate the bomb.
Deadpool seems happy with it but tells them he has just one question. When Kak asks what it is, Deadpool asks about the people of Urrulu. Kak says that in order for the mission to be successful there needs to be a sufficient distraction. Urrulu will be that distraction. Deadpool angrily asks if that means getting blown up. Kak tells him that if it means one planet must die so countless more can live then so be it. With a look of sorrow on his face, Kak says it was not a decision that was made lightly. Pulling out his gun and pointing it at Kak’s face, Deadpool say this one was.
Deadpool then asks Kak and his men who can drive the ship. No one replies, so Deadpool shoots Kak in the arm and then asks the question again. One of the Ongulian crew gingerly puts up his hand and says he can, after which Deadpool places Kak and the rest of the crew in the brig. As Kak angrily asks what he is doing, Deadpool replies that he is saving the planet. Kak says he paid Deadpool to kill Id, not to be a hero. Deadpool says he knows that now but he doesn’t like the terms. So now they are going with his plan, the one from his brain. He foresees just one problem though.
Deadpool stands on Urrulu with a megaphone. He announces to everyone that he is going to say things only once. The bad news is their planet is about to get blown up by an insane moon with addiction problems. The good news is he is there to rescue everyone so they should pack up what they can and get in his ship. They shouldn’t worry, as he will take them someplace cool.
The strange yellow and blue Urrulians stare back at him in silence for a few seconds. Then one of them raises his shovel above his head and excitedly shouts out. The rest put their hands in the air in celebration but Deadpool seems taken aback. One of the Urrulians tells him the planet sucks and that it was their grandparents who colonized the rock. He asks Deadpool if he thinks they want to be farmers, because farming is hard. The Urrulian turns to the others and starts chanting “no more work.” Deadpool tells them they are going to have to do a little more work before they go. He then asks if they know how to build crop circles.
Later on, Id eventually arrives at Urrulu but sees an enormous crop circle that reads “They’re gone. I’m the guy who did it.”
As Deadpool captains the Ongulian ship with the celebrating Urrulians on board, the Ongulian pilot asks him why he antagonized Id. Deadpool replies that he wanted to and the pilot stares in silence at him. Looking at an electronic operation manual, Deadpool tells him that it was so Id would chase them. He stops reading and tells the pilot he wants to ask why again. The pilot says he does and Deadpool replies that he will see why soon. The pilot sighs and asks if he can tell them where they are taking the Urrulians. Deadpool says he doesn’t know and suggests somewhere cool.
On an icy planet, the Urrulians stare at Deadpool in disdain. Deadpool points to the pilot and tells them to blame him. The pilot starts getting worried and tells the Urrulians they have shelter and food. He gestures to the boxes behind him and says that the freeze-dried food packets are really tasty. As the Urrulians look menacingly at him, he says he should leave. However, as he does so, he sees the ship take off and leave him, along with the other Ongulians, stranded on the planet.
As Deadpool pilots the ship, his inner voices ask if he should be feeling some kind of regret. Reading the manual, he replies that if he left them on a populated planet they wouldn’t be any better off. Out of the window, he points out that Id has bypassed the planet. One of his voices mentions Id’s catching them up and his other voice asks if it is good. Deadpool tells them that it is good as he gets on the radio. He asks Orksa if she can do something for him. Back at their base Obb goes up to Orksa and nervously asks if she has heard from Deadpool. She tells him she hasn’t and he says that Funtzel hasn’t either.
Obb asks Orksa if she knows Deadpool might not come back. She asks him why not and he tells her it was a suicide mission and that they warned him. Obb tells her that if Deadpool doesn’t come back he is always there for her. She tells him that’s very sweet up him and hugs him. As she does so, she uses her clawed hands to slyly remove his key ring from his back pocket.
Back on the ship, Deadpool sits at the rocket launch consol. He says that everything is set and that he has one last thing to do before showtime. One of his inner voices asks if he thinks it will be as easy as last time. Deadpool asks if he means convincing them and then answers that it will probably be easier. He exits the ship in a space suit and stands on the top. Looking down at a dusty planet he asks the population if they remember him. The planet is the one Deadpool assaulted previously in the dispute over drilling rights. The mercenaries look up at him with horror on their faces as Deadpool tells them they have ten minutes to get the miners and themselves the hell off the planet.
In space, Id arrives at the planet.
