As Deadpool flies back to Earth in his spacecar, one of his inner voices ask what their plan is. Deadpool replies that he will be grabbing some tacos once he gets back but his voices push and asks what he intends to do after that. He says he doesn’t know if he will do anything, as he doesn’t really have to. He worked his ass off to be a good guy and a bad guy but nothing really changed once he became those things. He asks why he should be anything apart from himself since people love him. One of his voices questions the last part but Deadpool points out he has lots of followers on Twitter. The voices ask if they really love him, to which Deadpool says there is only one way to find out.
(Meanwhile on Earth)
Bob, agent of Hydra, is stood in a dilapidated barn in the middle of nowhere. He declares that, after all the time, money and abuse he has endured from his harpy-slash-ogre wife, he has finally completed his project. He phones the travel channel and tells them who he is and that he has the world’s largest popcorn kernel for them to see. He looks up at an enormous kernel sat in a specially made container. It towers over him at about fifteen foot tall as numerous other large corn heads are littered around the area.
As Bob talks, he hears a loud noise and assumes that a plane is flying overhead. Outside, Deadpool’s spacecar slams into the ground and catapults him into the barn. The flaming Deadpool narrowly misses Bob and crashes into the giant kernel causing it, and all the smaller kernels around it, to turn into popcorn. The horrified Bob looks on as Deadpool steps out of the carnage and asks if he loves him. Bob drops to his knees and says that his feelings on Deadpool are very conflicted at the moment. Spitting out the stale popcorn, Deadpool asks if he has anything to snack on that doesn’t suck. Holding back the tears, Bob asks him why he is there, to which Deadpool gives a cryptic answer and tells him that Bob will help him find that out.
Using a knife to pick popcorn out of his teeth, Deadpool asks Bob again if he loves him. Bob replies that he doesn’t, which causes Deadpool’s inner voices to triumphantly say they knew it. Bob continues and says that he is mostly terrified of him, which causes Deadpool to grab him and wave the knife in his face. As Deadpool strokes Bob’s face with the knife, he says that it calms him but Bob points out that it has the opposite effect on him.
Deadpool tells him to stop being so self-centered and answer whether the others like Taskmaster and Blind Al love him. Bob nervously tells him that they hate him, which breaks Deadpool’s heart. Deadpool angrily throws the knife into a board with Bob’s face on. He asks why Bob would say such a hurtful thing and Bob tells him they actually came to him in a bid to kill Deadpool. They had another guy with them too. The last part peaks Deadpool’s attention and he asks what the man looked like.
(several weeks ago)
Macho Gomez thanks everyone for making it and introduces himself. He tells them they all have something in common and it’s that they have all been screwed over by the same person. The rest of the group, consisting of Big Bertha, Taskmaster, Blind Al, Weasel and Sluggo, all answer “Deadpool” at the same time. Gomez smiles and asks if they want to make him pay for once.
(now)
Deadpool screams at Bob at the fact they are teaming up against him and then asks Bob how it happened.
(a few weeks ago)
In a pitch black room, a clink sound is heard and a crack of light appears. A door is pried open and the grotesque face of Macho Gomez peeks into the darkness. A pair of bespectacled eyes stares back and then Weasel collapses forward and hugs Gomez. Weasel has been trapped in a deadly box full of spikes and weapons ever since he crossed paths with Deadpool in Las Vegas.
As he rushes towards the fridge to grab some food, Gomez asks him if he is Weasel and tells him he’s looking for Deadpool. Weasel scours the fridge and says he can’t help him but if Gomez does find Deadpool he should blow his %*#&$* head off. Gomez says that he thought he was Deadpool’s friend and Weasel replies he did too. But he stole his job, framed him for grand larceny and then left him locked in that box for God knows how long.
Gomez tells him he has been tracking Deadpool for a while now and he is getting the impression he isn’t too popular. As Weasel scoffs some food out of a tin, he says that Deadpool has lots of Twitter followers. That said, there are lots of folks that would like to see him dead. Gomez asks where he would be able to find these people.
In the barn, Deadpool shouts at the fact his friends are a bunch of two-timing bastards. At least he has Bob, though. Bob makes an awkward sound and Deadpool turns to him and asks what the matter is. Bob tells him that Deadpool isn’t a very good friend… sometimes. Deadpool asks for examples and Bob reminds him of the time he shot him through the hand. Deadpool points out that Bob betrayed him and he could have shot him in the head instead. Then there was the time Deadpool stranded him on the island. But again, Deadpool reminds him he was stranded with beautiful girls and treasure. He asks what he spent the gold on and Bob replies that the lab equipment to grow a giant corn kernel wasn’t cheap. He also made some mistakes along the way and he had to buy containment units for them too. Plus he had to shelve out for a custom piece that he was going to use at a big unveiling ceremony. This won’t happen now because Deadpool destroyed his life’s work.
Deadpool asks if Bob is still his friend and whether he said no when Gomez asked him to join. Once again, Bob just gives an awkward reply, causing Deadpool to become suspicious. Leaning in close and getting annoyed he asks if Bob said “no” or whether he said “no, but he will text when Deadpool shows up.” Bob slumps his shoulders, looks defeated and hands Deadpool his phone. He reads a text that confirms that Bob told Gomez that he was there. Putting his hand on Bob’s shoulder, he says not to worry as he will save him for last.
Deadpool turns to see Gomez and his gang burst in through the barn doors. Looking at all his friends-turned-adversaries, he wonders whose ass he will kick first. He then comes to the conclusion he should kick all their asses at the same time. With that, he rushes towards the group, screaming “Leroy Jenkins.”
They try shooting him but he is too fast for them. As he uses Gomez to vault over Big Bertha, he tells the obese women he has realized he is into fatties now. As he lands, he sees Sluggo lunging towards him, ready to punch his lights out. Deadpool asks how long it has been since they last fought but Sluggo becomes irate as his inane chatter. Deadpool dodges out of the way and Sluggo punches Bertha and his hand becomes lodged in her fat. Deadpool in turn punches Sluggo but is caught off guard when Taskmaster knocks him down in return.
With Deadpool lying on the floor, Taskmaster turns to Gomez and tells him to light him up. As Gomez charges up a flame thrower, Deadpool tells him that his space wife really knows her way around a Crisco kiddy pool. Gomez blasts Deadpool with a ball of flame and, as the merc is thrown backwards, he fires some shots himself. As he flies through the air, his inner voices comment that it’s the oldest trick in the book, shooting your enemies fuel tanks. With his tank damaged, Gomez is also blown backwards into a small containment device. As he looks around he sees the room is full of sentient cobs of corn. The twisted corn pieces look at him and beg him to kill them.
Elsewhere, Blind Al sends her dog Deuce off to find Deadpool. Deuce has a leash on that is attached to Al’s gun. The dog finds Deadpool and bites into his arm, showing Al where to concentrate her fire. Realizing what the deal is, Deadpool cuts off his arm and throws it away, prompting the dog to go and chase it. The arm hits Taskmaster in the face and the dog goes to grab it. Al’s gun is spun in Taskmaster’s direction and she inadvertently opens fire on the rest of her group.
Weasel dives into a pile of crates whilst realizing he shouldn’t have come as Deadpool is bound to do something awful to him. Just as he spots a popcorn launcher amongst the broken crates, Deadpool summons him over so he can do something horrible to him. Weasel picks up the launcher and fires it at Deadpool. But the merc ducks and the heads of corn impale Sluggo instead. They subsequently explode, spraying the whole area with Sluggo’s guts, as well as lots of popcorn. Deadpool tries some of the popcorn but spits it out as it’s stale like the rest.
As he stands in a pool of Sluggo’s remains, the rest of the group surround him. He drops his knife and screams at them, asking if this is what they want. Suddenly everything goes dark and a mysterious voice tells him that it’s what he wants. The voice, belonging to Death, says this is what he has always wanted from his friends. As he is sprayed with bullets, Death lets him go from her grasp and he begs for her to come back.
Deadpool sits bolt upright to see Bob kneeling next to him, holding his severed arm. He says the group has gone as they seemed to think that he was as dead as he was ever going to get. He asks if he is okay but Deadpool replies he isn’t as he might just be insane. He asks what kind of person wants their friends to kill them, to which his inner voices enthusiastically answer that they do. Deadpool asks why and his voices tell him that they want to die. But he can’t die, which is probably why they want it so bad; you always want what you cannot have. He wonders why he would get his friends involved but the voices say that it would mean they care.
Reattaching his arm, he muses that he wants friends, which he will never have, to kill him, which will never happen, because he wants someone to care about him, which no one ever will. Bob puts his hand of Deadpool’s shoulder and tells him that he cares. Deadpool stares at him for a few second, then picks his gun up off the floor, cocks it and then shoots Bob in the leg. As he walks away from the bleeding Bob, he sets off to find better friends.
